So after putting it off for days, I guess I am finally ready to tell the story of the day Nikki died. I still don't feel any better- worse somehow- sad- of course- guilty- maybe forever.
The entire day I knew what was going to happen- I knew that at the end of that day I would be saying goodbye to my first little baby- the baby that I carried around in my overalls pocket and put in my knapsack, and took wherever I went. The same little baby I dressed up relentlessly and did fashion show videos with and treated more like a child than a dog. The same little baby who was there for me through all the loss and the heartache while I tried to fulfill my dreams of becoming a "real" mommy..
And yet.....
and yet instead of spending the day with her and holding her and thanking her for all she had given to me- I, like the coward I am- ran. I found anything and everything I possibly could not be at home that entire day. I went and bought her a new blanket - to wrap her in so she wouldn't be cold when we went. I bought groceries and craft supplies- for what? I guess just anything so that I didn't have ot face the fact that I would be taking her to do what I did.
I dropped the kids at my sisters and headed back home. My friend M was coming with me- she was going to drive so I could hold Nikki. She was waiting in the driveway when I got back from my sisters and we went into my house and talked for a little while. I was anxious and nervous and stalling a bit I guess- and then I knew it was time to go. I wrapped her in the blanket I had bought her and we got into the car. She seemed calm enough- I can't even remember the last time she was in a car and I thought about that on the way there. We got there all too quickly and as soon as I walked in, and while M was parking, they escorted me into an exam room. Nikki became immediately aggitated and was trying to wriggle out of my arms. I hadn't seen her with that much energy in months- she really started freaking out and as I went to put her down I realized she had and was still, shitting all over the place- I had it on my jacket and she was just going all over the floor and her tail was covered in it I guess because of the way I was holding her. Then I remembered as I was trying to clean it all up- that she had done this every time we went to the vets- she was so scared she literally shit herself everytime we went. One of the girls came in just then and helped me clean up- and gave me a towel to put around her- so much for the new blanky....
M came into the room with me and the vet came in telling me what would happen next. They left me a form to sign- a consent for the "procedure"- I didn't even read it.
They took Nikki from me so they could put an intravenus into her and then they would bring her back. It seemed like they were only gone for a second... everything was happening so fast- I was starting to loose it- crying quietly- second guessing myself.. panicking almost. They left me with Nikki for a minute or two and the vet came back in and asked if I was ready. I wasn't of course and I told her that if she didn't do it right there and then that I was running out of there. She started putting the syringe into the intravenus and Nikki started squirming trying to get out of my arms- I was screaming in my head STOP!!! PLEASE STOP...I held her tightly and I just lost it- I was crying so hard and so loud and I just kept saying I'm sorry Oh Nikki I am so sorry...
Within seconds I could feel her getting very heavy in my arms.. and I couldn't look at her- I just couldn't. And the vet (this image has been stuck in my mind ever since) put her hand against Nikki's cheek and leaned her against my chest.. I was hysterical, M was sobbing just as much as I was and it was truly the most horrible awful empty sad feeling I think I have felt- ever- the only thing I could compare it to is when I lost my babies- when they would be wheeling me down to the OR and I was all alone and scared and sad and angry and pleading in my heart for it all to be a dream but knowing it wasn't and that I had to feel it - I had to feel it all or it would destroy me.. it was truly that awful. She listened for a heart beat and said that she was gone. She said she would leave us alone for a moment and to let her know when I was ready..
In a way I knew I would nver be ready- that I could have sat there all night holding her telling her I was sorry and wishing I hadn't done it or at least waited another day or month or year.. I sat there for a moment or so sobbbing uncontrollably and told M to get the vet back in- I just kept thinking- Take her- please just take her... and they did.. that was it- in a matter of 10 minutes from the time I walked in with her it was all over- and she wasn't coming back.
Then they asked me about the ashes and if I had chosen an urn and I was in such a fog I couldn't think straight- they gave me the book and asked that I come back the next day with my decision. I asked where she was, and they told me the freezer- I just about threw up right then and there and I knew I had to get the fuck out of there and quick- I knew I couldn't change what happend - but if I had stayed there any longer I would have convinced myself I think, that I could go and get her and forget the whole thing..
M took me home and we sat for a while and talked- I told her some stories and shared a few memories about Nikki and then I had to go back and get the kids.
All the way to my sisters I cried and then of course I had to pretend I was ok for the kid's sake. As far as they knew Nikki was in the hospital and very sick- they didn't even ask about her until we got back home.
The next day I went back and picked out the urn. I am having trouble accpeting that it will actually be her ashes I get back- I mean like really- how does one know? I suppose I just have to trust that the people doing it are honest animal loving people... what else can I do?
On Sunday, I broke the news to the kids. I needed a couple of days to get over it myself- so I could at least be stong enough for them.. Pickle freaked out- sobbing hysterically- screaming that they killed her they killed her!! I tried to explain that they did all that they could but that Nikki was just too old and too sick- "they didn' try hard enough" she cried back... Little Man cried and cried- and then he said "I wish I could die so I could see Nikki in heaven" and that was it for me.. I told him never to say things like that because Mommy needs him here and loves him. We talked about how Nikki is better now and she can see and hear and can run around and have fun again- I even told them she could talk which kinda made them all laugh a bit- it was sad ...
I told them we could send messages to Nikki in heaven with balloons so this weekend we are going to go and buy helium balloons and attach messages to them and send them up to Nikki- I didn't know what else to do- to see their little faces and hear them crying - it broke me.. after they went to bed- I cried my guts out for an hour...
I can still hear her sometimes walking around- hearing her little nails click on the floor- and I stil find myself putting plates of food down on the floor for her.. I wake up and expect to see her in her little bed outside my room or to come into the kitchen when she smells that I am cooking something.. I feel a little lost truthfully and empty.. I still haven't thrown any of her stuff out. Her food and water dish are still down and so are her blankets and her little bed.. I am not ready yet.. but I know I have to do it soon.. I will never get another animal- I simply cannot bare this pain again... it is truly awful...
And that's all I have to say about that....