Secrets From the Parlor

The times, they are a changin'.... DAMMIT!

2011-02-25T21:33:00.002-06:00

T-minus 3 weeks and the house will be gone- It's sold, she found a condo out in Etobicoke, and strangers are moving into my house- her house- Dad's house.. and it is tearing my heart apart. I am so terribly sad about this I cannot even tell you. People say its just a house- but to me it isn't. It is the most stable "home" I have ever known- 20 years of my life it was the safe haven. It is where my babies went to "Nana & Papa's" . Where they had sleep overs and where we had Christmas and Thanksgiving and father's Day and Mother's Day and everything else of significance... And even though they drive me nuts- I will miss being 15 minutes away and I will miss Mamam cooking dinner for us every week and shopping with her every Monday - that I will dearly miss- Maybe I am being overly dramatic- but it feels like dad is dying all over again- in the sense that we will never see him again- now we will never see the house either- his last home- all the things he fixed and did in that house- all the time spent all the memories and laughter and firsts- I had my wedding shower there- and my baby shower.. it all happened there- I hate change so much- and yes I know it is good- but I am not ready for this change .. this sucks ass....

DOWN WITH ASSMEAT!

2011-01-28T13:14:00.003-06:00

So here it is- 2011 already and nothing has changed- there was a glimpse- and the hope came back- but that quickly faded - back to the same place I was in years ago- but this time- without dad here to keep me somewhat sane- Assmeat is assmeat and will never be anything other than assmeat- he is a selfish immature asshole and I hate him more and more each day- And this, the year I turn 40 has to be the year I do something- it has to be the year everything changes and I can be happy again- I figure that I have been unhappy about 80% of my adult life- the only happiness deriving from my children of course- the rest just bullshit stress and dealing with him and his antics and self absorption- I do not deserve this and neither do my children- I have completely lost who I used to be in so many ways- this is the year of change- this is my year of renewal - this is MY YEAR- fuck him- fuck him fuck him....

Bittersweet Thanksgiving...

2010-10-10T09:44:00.002-05:00

Last year at this time I had my family here at my home for Thanksgiving and he was at the Hospital spending time with dad- it was all very surreal- and still is- but I remember that day was fun- and I remember trying to do everything but think of the fact that dad was in the hospital and we were not going to be going to their house for Thanksgiving- and that we couldn't even send him a plate because at that point- eating was pretty much non-existent for him. A lot has changed in a year but yet so much has stayed the same except for one missing piece of the puzzle and that throws everything off- I mean everything- I miss him so much that it makes my stomach hurt- some days I still don't believe it or its like I almost forget and think when he call comes in from "mom & dad's" that its him on the other line instead of her.
This year I invited no one. No Thanksgiving here this time. We are going to their house today to celebrate Thanksgiving - it will be the first time in years because well, dad was sick for a couple of years before he passed and we couldn't do it- but everyone is coming. The house is up for sale now- and this will be the last Thanksgiving in that house, and it will break my heart. For that house to be gone it will take a little piece of me with it- for 20 years I "grew up" in that house. That house is the only one my kids ever knew as Nana and Papa's house- it is the closest thing to a childhood home I have ever had- and I will miss it because I see dad in every room- the paint on the walls the hardwood floors he installed the bar he built, his pool table- the pictures he hung- the fireplace ledge we would always sit on at Christmas, the deck I would find him sitting on feeding his friend chippy- and I know why she must sell it and get out of there- but selfishly I want her to keep it. I miss him and I wish he were here - I miss his laugh and how every time he did he would have to take his glasses off and wipe a tear from his eye- I miss him sitting at the head of the table- I miss he was the best male role model my kids ever have had or ever will have and I miss him getting a kick out of the funny things the kids say or do- I just miss him. I have spent the better part of the day crying- and now it is time to go there where he won't be- and be thankful - but I question that whole process- I am thankful- don't get me wrong- i am thankful for my babies and for my health and for just being a live- but I am not thankful he is not here- even if it does mean he is no longer in pain- I know that is awful- but I still wish he were here even if it meant he were still sick... I dunno - I just wish.....
so happy thanksgiving to all- hug someone you really love today and be thankful they are with you.....

SIGH.....

2010-04-29T14:04:00.003-05:00

I had a dream about him last night. Nothing sexual- it was just a dream - it was an irrelevant dream- weird, unusual- but it felt good. Just being in his presence- even in a dream- it just felt good. I miss him so much. I miss sharing things with him- laughing with him- going places with him- I just miss him so much. It always seems this time of year when he comes back into my mind- I wish I could just call him- meet him for a coffee. Anyway I didn't want to wake up this morning- I just wanted to stay there with him in my dream....

Dear Lotto Fairy

2010-03-24T23:01:00.002-05:00

I was just wondering if it could be my turn please. I am deserving and needing and would be oh so thankful if you could just please please let me have the jackpot this week, I promise I would help others- I would help so many people. And it would make me so happy. We could escape then- we could runaway from here and never look back and he couldn't have this control over us anymore. I could be happy and my kids could live without this bullshit- even if it is not the whole thing- just enough- just enough for us to get out.... I'd owe ya one...

Thank you for your consideration in this matter;

Yours very truly

Me

Spring-a-ling

2010-03-23T22:43:00.002-05:00

Well, March Break is over now- and all my little chickens are sick- but we really did have a good break- spent time with my sister and Hannah and my cousin and her little guy and of course my bff. So we had a fun filled week- it was good- now this is the time of year when it really goes by fast- we will blink and it will be the end of the school year- time just goes by so fast. It's been a little over 5 months now since dad died. She is still angry- angry at the world- angry at all of those who would be, in her mind, lined up around the corner to spend time with her. problem is, I think no one really liked her that much to begin with (yes I know mean but true) and so with dad being gone- no one feels like they have to be phony anymore. She has no friends, no hobbies, she doesn't "do" anything. She shops and gets her hair done- that is it. Oh and she cleans. She has gotten rid of so much of dads stuff. - too quickly I think and is now debating about selling the house and moving. I feel bad for her of course and I know it is too soon after dads death- but she has to do something with her life- we cannot be her life- we cannot spend every single weekend with her like we have since he died- she has to find something- someone to communicate with to befriend- to do stuff with other than us...
Anyway I miss him a lot- and sometimes still cannot believe it is true.. I wish like hell it wasn't....

HATE IS SUCH A STRONG WORD... but completely appropriate here...

2010-02-23T17:52:00.004-06:00

I hate you. I hate you for all the things you have done to me. I hate you for your lies. I hate you for your secrets. I hate you for your infidelity. I hate you for your immaturity. I hate you for your irresponsibility. I hate you for your laziness. I hate you for your inability to complete a task. I hate you for being so selfish. I hate you for never learning from mistakes. I hate you for being a shitty husband. I hate you for being a shittier father. I hate you for your drinking. I hate you for your drug abuse. I hate you for your lack of commitment. I hate you for the way you talk to people. I hate you for the way you think everyone owes you something I hate you for thinking I should have gotten over it by now. I hate you for never putting me first. I hate you for always putting yourself first. I hate you for not wanting to be with your kids. I hate you sitting in that recliner. I hate you for so many reasons I could probably sit here all night typing.... fuck- I hate your fucken guts......

Wish You Were Here

2010-02-15T23:56:00.000-06:00

I wanted to be able to come on here and blog about how great things are going, about how things have changed and how I have hope again. But sadly, I have nothing new to say other than the fact that my premonitions of the MIL and her demands and needs have come true, that the changes in CC directly following his fathers death have all but vanished.. blended into the assholishness of him... Does that make sense? The asshole in him has sucked all the goodness that started shining through and ate it.. absorbed it. And also that I am still fat and have done nothing to change that...

So no, Dad dying hasn't made him better- for a while yes- but back to the same old thing. CC doesn't drink anymore-not really anyway. About a month or two ago he got drunk and was sick for like 2 weeks after- felt awful and so he says he'll never drink again. But you know what, I don't even care- that really hasn't been an issue and honestly- it isn't what made him an asshole- it just made him a different asshole- so either way it makes no difference..

So what else.. oh yes did I mention he hasn't worked since October? Oh, no? I didn't tell you that huh? well wait now- he left work (and rightfully so) when Dad got real bad- and after Dad died, he got a job offer but it was literally a week after and he was in no condition to go to work ('nuff said) and then of course Christmas snuck in there and he always seems to get laid off like right before that so there was no work to be found- and then well, next thing you know its the new year, and now February. He did get 2 weeks and a day in at one place and has something lined up for March 15 (ahhh the Ides of March-- great) but as for right now nothing- nothing- and more of nothing. So what has he done since he's been home? Let's see if I can compile a list for you. Oh yes there is the time he... oh wait now, no that was me.. oh but then there was that one time he... ohhh nope I am thinking of someone else.. oh I know I know he's done NOTHING!!!!!!!! Yes that's it fucken nothing- however he has been at his mother's house every fucken day doing this or that - changing light bulbs and clearing out this- replacing that- moving this- so I guess I can't say he hasn't done anything- he just hasn't done anything here. I suppose he thinks he is justified when he sits on the couch for days on end because well you know he had to do that thing at his mothers. They do seem to go to the casino an awful lot though- Yes, he seems to be able to get up and take her to the casino every weekend without question or comment- he's not losing money- sometimes makes a hundred bucks or so- but really? Is that all there is to do? I suppose so. And I say nothing- because that is usually the only time he is out of the house for any length of time and I just need him not to be here sometimes because seeing him sit on that couch day after fucken day makes me feel sick..

Speaking of, if I have to hear him cough one more time today I am going to gouge my eardrums out with a sharp object. He has the most annoying cough of anyone in the world and btw refuses to quit smoking even though he promised his dad on his death bed he would quit and his dad asked him a million times to quit when he was so sick and he said he would and we all gave him the grace period after dad died to help him cope- and really quitting while you are at home and not working would be easier that when he is at work where everyone smokes- but no- he says he wants to enjoy life... whatever - he is a selfish fucken prick and doesn't understand (even though he has just experience the same fucken thing) what an effect it would have on the children if he died- he doesn't care that his kids would have to go through what we just did- he knows how hard it is- but he doesn't care- fucken selfish- I guess the difference is that his dad was a GOOD DAD- and he is a shit dad- so maybe it won't affect the kids as much anyway- I have no respect for people that willfully put their own lives at risk - dad wanted to live and if he could take back every cigarette he ever had to give him one more month- or week or day- I know he would have- and then there are people like CC and people like Thelma's mother who almost died who struggles to take a breath most of the time but can still smoke however many smokes a day- people like that who have no regard for their lives- and people like dad who wanted to live so much- ... makes me mad- and sad... All I know is that I will be here for my babies- I will not leave them..

I miss dad very much- I could cry- still every time I talk of him. I look at pictures all the time. I go back and watch videos trying to hear his voice. I am so thankful I am such a shutterbug and took so many pictures- or any pictures for that matter; CC's side of the family definitely lacks in that area for sure. I am so glad that I would call him and ask him to come with me when I would take the kids somewhere cause I know CC wouldn't go- I am glad my kids have memories of that too. I hate that he isn't here anymore- and sometimes I still don't believe it- sometimes I cannot wrap my mind around it and that makes me mad and terribly terribly sad- I wish he were here to talk some sense into his stupid son- I wish he were here to finish my kitchen cupboards that CC started almost a year ago and hasn't touched since, I wish he were here to see how well the kids are doing in school and how pretty Pickle is and how tall Curly is finally getting. I wish he was here to see Little Man's drawings. I wish I could make him a rainbow cake- and sit with him on the swing while he listened to the stories I would tell him about the kids.. I just wish he were here..

I call Bullshit....

2010-01-10T17:51:00.003-06:00

I don't mean to sound like a broken record- but I miss Dad like crazy. It is absolutely inconceivable to me that he is dead- That we will go through the rest of our lives never seeing him or talking to him again- that He is removed from the face of this earth- it is just fucken crazy to me- Still, the mere mention of his name brings me to tears- still the mere thought of him being dead makes me ill- and the realization of it all has not fully taken its toll I think, and truthfully, I don't think it ever will- it just seems to unreal- like this couldn't have possible have happened- there is no way he is dead and that he is not going to call any second and ask me to come and cut his hair or ask if CC has done this or that around the house - it just does not seem possible...

The New Year

2010-01-02T21:06:00.004-06:00

Well, that's it- the kids' birthday is over, Christmas, New Years and even CC's birthday- over and done with- and I must say that this past 3 weeks has been a blur- literally- not because I was overly busy or anything- it just went by so incredibly fast and to be quite honest, I felt like I wasn't even here for any of it. I know weird right- but I feel like I was outside my body most of the time. and of course, I felt like something was missing- and he was- Dad was missing throughout all of it. I cannot even tell you how my heart aches. When someone dies, you feel so badly for the family- but you know what- you don't get it- you really cannot fathom the hurt and sorrow and sadness and longing- until you experience it first hand- you cannot know- but I know now- and it kills me- and it angers me and saddens me and horrifies me and scares me- I just want him back. sometimes, I still don't think it is real. I feel like maybe he has gone away on a trip- and will be home again- or he is still in the hospital- its all so fucked up... I just wish I could fix it all- and make all of our pain go away- I had the thought of going through the rest of my life without him- it is so unreal. The course of all of our lives have now changed because it will never be what it could have been because he is no longer here- its odd to think about isn't it? I mean really- his death changed so many lives- and the course of all of our lives- its fucked up... I miss him- I love him - and I hate that we spent Halloween without him, and celebrated the kids birthday without him, and had Christmas Eve here instead of at his house without him- and all the other things that follow- I hate it- Don't get me wrong though, I am also grateful. I am smoke free (still) and I am feeling pretty good these days and I have my babies and they are healthy and they love school this year and I am happy- and just so fucken thankful to be alive and well and have the people I love...I just wish he was here too....

2009-10-24T20:36:00.002-05:00

On October 20, 2009 at approximately 2:00 a.m. my father in law passed away. No glory- no peace- no relief-. He is gone and I am so profoundly sad I cannot explain it. We have gone through the arrangements, the viewing, the funeral, the burial and I have no closure. I have nothing but sadness. And now it seems like I am going through the denial everyone else was going through when he was sick. I just simply cannot believe it or rather I cannot accept it. I am going to miss him so fucken much and I cannot seem to picture anything- any event, any occasion without him. It sickens me to my very core. I hate that he is gone and I want to scream out for him to come back- to please just come back! I have never in my life lost some so close to me and even though I loved my uncle silly- we were not close in that sense- not since I was younger- same with my papa- and even my friend Wendie- I loved her but it just wasn't the same. This sucks so badly and I cannot do a thing about it- I cannot fix this. I have never seen CC like this before- (obviously) he is so broken hearted and sad.. he will look at me and just say "ohhhhh Jen" and nothing else needs to be said- I know what he means, how he feels- he is broken... and sad and scared and he doesn't know how he is ever going to feel better- he too cannot believe it- he too feels helpless. He just wants his daddy back- so do I ...so do we all... that's all I want to say right now-

2009-10-16T16:15:00.005-05:00

He knows it's over- everyone knows- The dr's initially gave him less than a month(this was a couple of days ago) but now they are saying its even less- maybe a week-maybe a few days. When they found out- they decided they wouldn't tell him- why would they? But the following morning they came in- he told them- he had asked- so we know he must have felt it- in his heart he knew the cancer was out of control, that the tumours were getting bigger and popping out everywhere- he knew- he must have known it was over- he had lost this fight - that is why he asked..We don't think he knows how long he has.. but its better that way I think. So it was decided that I needed to go- I reluctantly agreed- I know I couldn't hide behind the children forever as much as I wanted to...

The entire way to the hospital I could have very easily thrown up. I did not eat a thing all day- and slowly sipped on my coffee with he drove-. I didn't want to go- I didn't want to be here - it didn't matter that it was dad- it could have been anyone- this is something I cannot bare- I cannot face it- my legs feel weak the second I enter a hospital- my mouth dry, I shake- hospitals are for dying- and bad news...

When we get there - (there meaning the palliative care unit) it is eerily quiet- serene almost I guess you would say- there are already people there and we sit in the waiting room but soon enough his mother comes out and tells me to go in. When I see him there I am obviously shocked. My legs almost buckle from under me. Its only been a little over 2 weeks since I saw him and he has aged 30 years it looks like. He looks just as bad as had pictured it- just like the other people I had seen in the documentary I watched about people dying of cancer.. how quickly it changed him-

His breathing is loud and intermittent and laboured. He looks like he is sleeping. She says that most of the time this is how he is- out of it . He hellucintaes and talks jibberish- I was warned before hand.. Mom says to him "Look, look your daughter is here to see you" and he immediately opens his eyes and smiles and says "Oh God.." then as he is reaching out to me says "Come here" I hug him and I felt his arms shaking as he tried to hug me. He said "I'm glad to see you" I said "I am so glad to see you too" I ask him if he is tired he says yes.. I say "Sleep then, you just sleep" and I am rubbing his swollen hand... his mother and he go out of the room and leave me with him- at which point I should have whispered to him- I should have said all the things I wanted to say like "I love you- please.. please don't go- please wake up and tell everyone you will be fine. Please don't leave me here with them- you are the only one who gets me- we're the same... please please don't die...." I should have thanked him then- I should have told him I was thankful to him for being the dad I never had- I should have told him that every night I wished it was my dad that was dying instead of him - I should have told him my babies would never be the same without him and that I needed him to stay because their father is stupid and doesn't deserve them- I should have asked him to please hold on- to please get better so he could be the father I know CC can never be to them... I should have said so much.. but I didn't- I stood there scared out of my fucken skull- wondering why everyone left me alone with him- wondering if that last breath he took would be his last- and why was there such a pause before the next breath... I stood there scared out of my fucken mind- like a child almost- scared that the cancer inside of him was going to jump out of his mouth and jump into me... I just wanted to run... I wanted to run out of there so fucken fast....

They come back in the room and CC is distraught. He is crying and holding his fathers' hand. Sometimes he gets up and kisses his forehead. I know he wants to scream out too- begging him to be ok now - I know none of this seems real to him. I know he feels helpless- I almost feel a sense of jealousy as I watch him tending to his father. I remember driving myself to the hospital and being wheeled down to surgeries alone- I remember going to every single dr's appointments by myself- hearing horrible news and having no one there to comfort me. I remember not being able to walk upright or get out of bed by myself- I remember cleaning my own dressings and injecting myself with medications because he wouldn't.. and yes it is selfish and appalling that these thoughts even enter my mind- but they did as I watched him wipe his fathers mouth and kiss him gingerly- those thoughts actually entered my mind- why wouldn't you ever comfort me - or hold me or look after me..?? I am selfish and stupid.. and I hated myself the second they entered my head but I thought them ....I did- and I don't know why..

We all took turns going in and out of the room- just watching him mostly as he slept. When I first went back into the waiting area his mother was telling everyone about how he reached out for me and how he "perked up" when he saw me. She says "He has never done that for anyone! No one! Not his sisters or his son or me! " I felt special- I felt loved- and I know that this "Story" will be told a million times now-to everyone and anyone- I know she will tell this story again and and again- that I was the only one that he responded to like that- that means something... that was my gift from him... and I will take it..

He breathing was so loud and he was struggling and I don't know how much of anything he heard or knew.. but I felt better in a weird way when we left because I know he knew I was there. Before we left I kissed him three or four times on the cheek and said "Goodnight Papa Daddy, I love you"....I know he heard me- I know he did.

I haven't been sleeping. A couple of hours here and there for the past few weeks really, but mostly this past one. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes I would dream of him- not dying necessarily- but it would wake me every time and then I wouldn't want to go back to sleep- I used to stay up when I was younger as long as I could because I couldn't bare to sleep- I know I wrote a poem about it or two - I should look for it- sleeping means dreaming. and I hate to dream.. your dreams is where you have to face everything you don't want to which is why dad kept popping into mine. Last night I slept for almost 5 hours straight- and I didn't dream.. I think seeing him (as much as I didn't want to see him like that) helped me - put me at peace.. as much as I can be.

So now it is a waiting game.. wait for the phone to ring and hope he isn't alone- or in pain.. maybe just hope he goes to sleep.

2009-10-13T11:15:00.002-05:00

Things are bad- again,or shall I say- still. CC seems to now be in the denial haze. Thinking maybe this is just how it is when people are going through chemo. Maybe he'll bounce back..no- there is no bouncing back from this. I have now become the voice of reason- the rational one who is trying, with grace, to tell him this is the end- there will be no bringing him home. He has changed so much - obviously his physical appearance is ghastly, but mentally some days he isn't there- one minute he is scared, the next quiet, the next seeing things- its terrible. Even if -and I say this without truly believing it is possible, but even if he was to bounce back from this- he would never be the same- the person he was is no longer there when you look in his eyes- that sense of humour is gone- its just empty now. I haven't yet seen him- I told CC about that documentary I have watched a few time about cancer patients dying and I described the look they have and that is the look his dad has now- he says he is skin and bones- looks like he's been in a concentration camp- its eating him alive. I do feel sorry for CC- I see that desperation in his eyes I think these last few days he has realized that his dad isn't going to be around much longer. I don't know if he can bare it- his father is the only person I have ever seen him cry over. He never cried when we lost all the babies- he never cried when our babies were born or when he first saw them on the ultrasound- he never cried when we almost lost pickle- On our wedding day when he said his speech- he never cried at the joy of our union- or when he talked about me- he cried when he mentioned his parents- when he thanked his dad for everything. He cried when they found out it was lung cancer- and he has cried almost every single time he talks about him-I wish I could fix it all- I wish I could make all of this go away- I wish I wasn't turning in to the kind of person who can look at someone and think "It should have been you" but I am I finding myself doing that a hundred times a day- like why not him or her or that one- why dad? I don't get it- this fucken cancer shit is the plague- why is it everywhere- why can't they do something more? Why is it popping up all over his body? How much more can he take? Does he want to? Has he had enough? does he even know what is going on? Anyway... I am sad, and I wish I could wake up from this dream now, I don't like it...

The End is Near

2009-10-08T22:02:00.005-05:00

Everything seems to be happening rather quickly. Discussions of palliative care have already happened- He was supposed to come "home" last week after the final round of radiation- and nursing would be arranged- but then he collapsed while trying to get up from the washroom and that plan went to hell. I haven't seen him yet since he went into the hospital- I have spoken to him on the phone many times but last I saw him was when he was still at home- weak, and skinny, but still at home- I have not been. I have no desire to - I cannot bare it- but I know that will be something I will have to do probably sooner than I am ready to. My heart absolutely breaks at the thought- what it must be like for him to know -to not have any control. He must be begging God. He must be begging for more time- I know I would be- even if I didn't believe. I would beg anyone who would listen- Please, please- I am not ready, I don't want to go- I want to stay- I'll do anything...I want to see my grandchildren grow up- I want to smell the fall air again- I want to see the blue sky, feel the cold, eat ice cream- hear music- be here for one more Christmas, one more New year- one more birthday, one more week- one more day- I'll do anything... Cripes.. I would be begging. I am going to miss him so much that it makes my heart literally hurt- an ache so strong that I have scared myself the last few days; convinced I am having a heart attack or something. I just cannot imagine how it is going to be without him here- I really cannot. All the little things mostly- Halloween is coming- he was always here for Halloween - they always came and we would take the kids around. He always came for Halloween. I have the children to "hide" behind right now- they are saving me from having to face this head n really- "Oh Jenni has to be there for the children, she can't come" And my poor Sweet baby girl- she will be devastated- just the mere thought of it makes her cry- I have started dropping hints- talking about it as if it is now a possibility- I have to as much as it hurts me I have to start- I have to - There is to much to think about. I think about this kind of stuff all the time- I have been waking in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning every night and I must have been thinking about him because when I wake up that is what I start thinking about and then I cannot fall asleep again sometimes for hours. I am afraid to close my eyes - but yet every single time I wake up in the morning I have to remember that this is all real- everyday I wake up in denial. Everyday. I have changed my opinion somewhat of CC- I do feel sorry for him- I do- I still do not comfort him- but I feel bad for him- this is his daddy after- all and after he is gone he will be it- he is his father's legacy and I think he is afraid he will not measure up- maybe it all too late for that- I think he is just thinking as that little boy inside of him not wanting his dad to go- he's too young- he's supposed to stick around and bitch and moan that CC doesn't do anything or be here to remind him to change the filter in the furnace or all the other things he reminded (or hounded rather) him to do... yes, I do feel bad for him- nothing is ever going to be the same again... Ok... my eyes ache from crying... today was a bad day- maybe tomorrow will be better- too much to think about - Thanksgiving this weekend- having my whole family over- I wonder if this is the right thing to do..

PHASE ONE- ACCEPTANCE

2009-09-26T11:50:00.006-05:00

So I broke the news to CC about his father. It was not pleasant- he cried- I cried while I was telling him but at no time did I go over to comfort him. At no point did I reach out to hug him or hold him- I just let him sit there and cry- I felt sorry for him leading up to our conversation, but once I started talking to him I felt sad for me, for dad- not for him- I had no sympathy for him at all- not an ounce- he treated his parents like crap- and I wanted at some point to scream out- SEE! I told you one day you would be sorry for being an asshole to him! And here he is.. I just felt nothing- I was almost just mad you know- just so mad at him I could punch him in his face... And it occurs to me that it is gone- every single ounce of everything I ever felt for him is gone. And even if- even if he becomes a better man because he is loosing (or when he loses) his father, even if he becomes everything he was supposed to always be or becomes this great guy- this fun, kind, caring, selfless person- it won't matter- it won't matter because the damage is done- too much has happened- he has done too much too me said too little to be able to fix this- it is over - and I feel that from every inch of my being. This is no longer me just being mad and regretting and "what if'ing" - this is me- knowing there is nothing there- nothing left- and there never will be ever ever again. This is of course not to say I haven't known this for some time now- I have not slept in the same bed as him for almost 2 years (I sleep on the couch) and as for actually sleeping with him- its got to be at least a year- yeah, at least a year...and that one time was probably all there has been for two or so anyway - he's probably doing someone else here and there- and I sadly don't care either way - I just don't like him- I really just don't. And sometimes I would get that little glimmer of Oh, if only he were like this all the time.. but that soon fades and its like cripes I don't care if is or not- still don't like him. Now I have to figure out how to get out of this- how am I going to get out of all of this and live my life- I have to start making a plan- I have to start getting a plan for finances and so on- that is the only thin holding me back- isn't it always though- fucken money- ....I wish I had parents I liked- I wish I could call up my mother and say it's over.. I'm coming home. But I have never had a mother to count on like that or that I liked for that matter- and god knows I have never had a home to go home too- so there goes that- it's gotta be me- this has all got to be me now- I have to do something ...

Unreal

2009-09-23T16:37:00.002-05:00

When I wrote my last post- I didn't know how quickly things would happen. I knew- I think I have known more than anyone- that my FIL's time was short-I have been confused at the lack of concern- at the hopefulness everyone else seems to have been relying on all of this time. I thought maybe the MIL was putting up a front- I thought she knew how bad it was but was just acting like he was going to be ok for our sakes. But no- she truly really believed he was going to be just fine. He was in the hospital twice this past weekend- and even then- she put it off to the medication - the drugs- he was on- and he would be just fine- the dr's told her nothing had spread to his head or stomach to which she took as fantastic news. He went in today for a consult and the news was bad- there is nothing else they can do- it is progressing too fast- its all happening too fast and nothing is going to help. And I thought- finally.- Finally someone has told them what for some reason I had known all along- I know that sounds awful but everytime I got off the phone with her I would be like Really? Does she really not see how bad this is? I know you gotta have hope I know that faith and hope and a positive attitude can get you through a lot of things. But there is one thing I do know- cancer is a tough mother fucker- and it takes more than a positive attitude to beat it- it is merciless and cruel and a bad to the bone son of a bitch and it grabs hold of some people and just rocks their fucken world- and sometimes in life you can prepare for things that are about to happen- and sometimes no matter how much you prepare- its going to punch you in the gut so hard it knocks the wind out of you- and that is what happend to the MIL today- a suckerpunch to the gut. And I don't know how to help her or make it easier- because it isn't and will not be ok- nothing about this is ok- and I am so not good at this shit- I want to run away and pretend this is all not happening. He hasn't much time. He knows it is over- he told her today he told her "I know this is the end" _ I cannot fathom it- I cannot comprehend how it would feel to know you are going to die and there isn't a fucken thing you can do about it- I think it is so fucked because they just thought he would go down this rough road and come out of it in the end a little worse for wear but ok- he never had time to accept it or go through the process- he just thought- she just thought- everyone just thought he would be ok- now what? Its as if he has been in a horrible car accident- unexpected- tragic- and now is on life support - thats what this is all like but it shouldn't have been like this- everyone should have started getting ready for this shouldn't they? But no, no, because they just thought he would be ok- he would beat it- I would like to speak to the dr's involved here- didn't anyone tell them there would be no happy ending? Were the drs just sugar coating everything? Did no one see this coming besides me? Surely they knew- surely they did- why did no one say anything??> I don't understand.

So now I have been left with the burden of telling my husband that his father is in hospital and very likely will never leave it- he is at work right now and does not know. And my children- my sweet precious children how shall I tell them? How will this effect their lives? This is their first real experience with death- - they came when my sweet uncle Jim died- and we talked about it- but because they had no real intimate connection with him I don't think it was real to them- yes they know he died- they know Nikki died- but papa- their papa - how is this going to effect them- what do I say? do I tell them now that it is going to happen? Do I wait until it happens? I don't know I don't know what to do I am so sad for them and CC too- I am sad for him I am because this was a father- a real father who was there for him his whole life- - there is no one else- he is his father's only son- his fathers only child- he has no brothers or sisters to grieve with- just his mother- and me. my heart aches for him and for the children.. I am not sure what to do- and I am not sure how much of this I can do- I just don't know .. I simply do not know what to do.

SO SUE ME.....

2009-09-17T21:31:00.003-05:00

Yes I am- and here it is now- the end of summer- the beginning of the school year and I have written nothing- well- can't change it now so let's move on shall we-

- The FIL was doing better - even went back to work- and then everything went to hell and he is fighting for his life again- very weak- "Superficial cancer" popping up all over the fucken place- chest- neck- stomach- its everywhere. I know it is bad- I have always known- I am not naive- I read- I know- I felt it- and now I see it- death- imminent- death- I can smell it off of him almost- - I see it in his eyes and it breaks my heart- and I know ain't nothing gonna be the same. This is going to be one of those life changing things- where everything and everyone around you will change- nothing is ever going to be the same- I am sad for my children- how much a part of their lives he was for so long- and now they don't see him - he, too impatient, too ill, too weak, to sad, too angry, too sick, too scared- Them- too young- to understand, to realize how bad it is- too young to know he doesn`t have much time and to be nice and kind and not make him upset or worry- them-- just too young...how terribly terribly sad.

- With respect to the above, I am horrible and selfish when I think of the future- the future without him- I think of the things that I will now be responsible for- the things he used to take care of that will now fall on my shoulders- I think of her- of how she will need me and how I don`t want to be needed- not for the petty things she will need me for- not for those things- but I will be expected to- it will become my new job- I have yet to live my life- I haven`t but for my children, been happy with my entire adult life - and I know that becoming her keeper- that becoming her taxi and confident and go-to-girl will just eat at me so much and i may implode from it- I hate myself for thinking any of these selfish things- I should be crying and begging god or whoever the hell is in charge of this shit to save him and to fix him- but I know he cannot be fixed. I know he is unfix able.. and besides- there will be plenty of time for tears- the tears will come regardless-right now I can only be angry for leaving us all -yes I know he hasn`t left yet- but he will and I am pissed about it.. not fair....

I am scared all of the time- I feel something inside isn't right- - my Dr thinks I am crazy- and almost had me convinced of it too- but no- there is something- and maybe it is just as simple as my body`s reaction to this medication I am on for my thyroid- coincidentally all of my `symptoms`started at the same time I started this pill- but my Dr thinks I am crazy no one has reactions like this- no one- but there is something- and I am positively absolutely terrified about it- and maybe because of the FIL it is scaring me more than it should- maybe I should just go with the flow- but I am scared that something is wrong- and if so- what will happen to my babies? What the fuck would happen to my children- my beautiful babies- I am their everything- we have no one- their father is useless- yes CC aka assmeat is still useless- better- but if I was not around- oh my god- if I was not here for my babies- ... I cannot even fathom... I cannot let myself think of that scenario-..

Have not spoken to my own mother in over a year. My sister asks if I would be sad or regret not talking to her if something were to happen to her- I don't think I would- I am just so done with it all- I am so finished - too much negativity- too much anger there on her part - I have much to be angry about- but I am not- I used to feel sorry for her- I used to do everything to give her a break- now I just don't care- I simply just don't care anymore...

An old friend of mine has cancer- funny- they ran into the FIL at the cancer hospital which is how we all found out- for some reason this friend and I haven't spoken since the beginning of the year and before that for 2 years since CC got out of rehab to be exact- Long story short- I think she wanted to leave us to start our new life without the interruption of her and her hubby`s drama and his addictions-cripes our new life only lasted 2 weeks.. but anyway ... she was so close with my kids- she came with me to bring the boys home from the hospital- she came to every Dr`s appointment- she was just always there- anyway at Christmas i thought enough is enough and sent her a Christmas card- she called and we talked for hours- we planned to get together- she said she would call me back- she didn`t- month later she calls and again we plan to get together- again- she was supposed to call and doesnt- I wash my hands of it`- Ì tried- I do not and will not ever beg for friendship with anyone or chase anyone... but now this- cancer---I know she is ok- they operated- she`s been going through radiation- but I struggle with the fact that she just dropped me like that- for years- but more so- my children- I know this has been a hard time for her- I know she must be scared- but I don`t know if I want to go back to that friendship- we passed by their favourite bar one day and saw him sitting there drinking away- nothing ever changes- I don`t think I want to go back to that friendship but I feel bad for her and I know she must be scared.... I will think about it some more... maybe send her a letter or something,,,

_Speaking of boozers... my dear sweet BFF`s husband is an alcoholic- and an asshole. Somehow blames me for their tumultuous marriage- he has issues- big time and some how it always comes back to me- I know he is jealous of our friendship- and because she would rather sit on the computer with me for 8 hours rather than have to sit with him for 1 but it is getting on my last nerve I tell you what and it will come to a head and soon we will have it out and he will not like what I have to say to him- that I gauran-fucken-tee... bring it MO FO I fucken dare you. I do have issue with my BFF saying a little too much to her drunk about me and my issues- I don`t talk to CC about her and her hubby`s issues and I dont think I like the drunk knowing mine- which he brings up when they fight- like because I do this or say this or don`t do that with my husband that he thinks that is why she is or is not doing or saying things etc- I shall have to speak to her about that- that is not cool with me- not at all.

- So yeah I am still fat- all the plans to be skinny by summer went to hell and back- no excuses but I do think the thyroid issue has quite a bit to do with it- my meds are not regulated because of the fact i am convinced it is causing me all these symptoms and pains and bullshit- so I am not taking as much as I should so I am sure that has a lot to do with it - but I also am not helping by exercising or anything so what do I expect So next goal- CHRISTMAS... there ya go...

My babies are in grade 3 now and I could just cry about it... time is slipping away so fast and I am trying so hard to appreciate and soak in every moment... I love them so much- they are my joy- my life- my every happiness- they are my everything.. and they are just so gosh darn funny- if you only could hear the things they say- they make me laugh every single day and for them I am so so thankful- so very grateful- I just love them so fucken much... See... I just got all veclempt just typing that - my love for them is so great it makes me weep .....

Ok on that note I am going to sign off and try and get back to this tomorrow.. this should give you a bit to think about `til then...

From long ago- I have this on my face book- but I just love it so...

2009-06-13T17:51:00.001-05:00

Doctors Dr's Doctor's dr.'s .........

2009-06-03T09:55:00.002-05:00

So yesterday had the kids at the dr's - Curly may have to get tonsils and adenoids taken out- uggg... waiting for a referral to another Doctor. Tomorrow I go to the dr. to complain once again about how I feel- and I am worried he will tell me it is all in my head or that it is impossible that this med they put me on for my thyroid could cause me to feel this way- we will see- but I am tired of feeling this way and something needs to change. Next week the kids got to the eye Dr and get Little Man and Pickle new glasses. Doctors Doctors.. hate it..

Money can't buy you happiness -MY ASS IT CAN'T!!!

2009-05-28T19:05:00.003-05:00

So things around the homestead are slowly getting done- roof, windows etc- and though that should make me feel better, it does not. We took out a line of credit from the bank to cover the costs of all of this and the only thing I can think of is how this is yet something else that ties me to him. Just when I think- yeah you know what, maybe I can tolerate it, maybe I can get back what I used to feel- or at the very least, can I fake it enough and be happy enough with everything else so I can stay here and let my kids have a life uninterrupted by divorce and the complications thereof, he say something or does some or breathes and I know I cannot be here. I just cannot envision My life here with him forever- for all of the Christmas' where he participates in NOTHING. For all the Halloweens' where he won't even so much as give out candy or go tobogganing in the winter, come to school functions, be present and active at birthday parties- be willing to spend time with family without sulking in a corner with a beer and a smoke in his hand. And you know what, yes it will be sad for him- work your whole life and end up alone- work to support a family who loathes you- what a waste- what an utter waste- he will learn- he will understand one day how he threw it all away- how it all could have been so much more-
These children can probably only name one memory of their father being present in their lives and that is sickening... (mind you I cannot name one- mmmm just thought of that- so much for my kids not having the same life as me....) anyway I have so had it- and I know I have been saying this for years and I have meant it for years- I just have not seemed to be able to find a way out- and in the process I have lost myself- hiding behind food now so it seems- and the extra 40 pounds I have gained in 2 years- I am unrecognizable in so many ways and sometimes I think Oh yeah that will teach him- I will exercise and look so fucken good he'll be sorry- and then I eat a bag of chips or scarf down 2 chocolate bars and that all goes to hell. I guess the temporary fix of food makes me feel better in the moment and I'd rather feel better for a couple of minutes than hurt all the time like I do now. I don't want to be that person who desperately waits for those lottery numbers to be announced- thinking "if only" and hoping against hope that her knight and shining armour will come and find her and take her away from all of this.... sigh... how positively pathetic.....

WOW-INSERT REALITY SMACK HERE................................

Ok, so in the midst of my typing this rather long, self pitying blog, I get a phone call from the MIL which is odd because it is late (late for her being 9 p.m.)so anyway I answer and she is telling me how FIL is not feeling well and what should she do. She says he is dizzy and sweating like crazy and feeling nauseous. Now, this is a man with lung cancer - a man who has gone through chemo and radiation, and has been fine and now the cancer is back. This is a man who is starting chemo again on Monday to be precise and who has been coughing and not feeling great for a month or so. And what should she do?? mmmm... As I am talking to her- she screams, she drops the phone, I can hear commotion and crying and hysteria.. he has fainted, fallen, something- I hear her telling him to get back on the bed, and then she comes to the phone again only to start screaming for her mother to come in Hungarian- carrying on wailing *HYSTERIA*. Comes back to the phone again - tells me he passed out twice now and hit his head- should she call 911?? SHOULD YOU CALL 911??? WTF????? Needless to say she hangs up and calls 911- in the meanwhile I have told assmeat to get up and get the hell over there - I am trying to calm myself down- I am in panic mode and realize I have yet to get the kids in bed- so I start getting them in bed and MIL calls again telling me he seems fine now- and that he doesn't want to go to the hospital. Anyway I was like too f'ing bad- he's going- assmeat is on the way (obviously I did not refer to her son as assmeat- ha!)

So a while later assmeat calls and says the paramedics are there and they are checking him out- it all has something to do with him coughing and hitting a nerve or an artery- like the irritation from the coughing has irritated something else which in turn makes your blood pressure drop quite quickly and that can cause you to kind of pass out- but not really because apparently he was aware the whole time of what was happening not like when you faint and don't know what happened. So anyway they determine that is the deal and he doesn't want to go tot he hospital anyway so they tell him to call back if anything else happens and that was that. assmeat says he looks like someone beat him up- his face is all bruised up from hitting it when he fell etc. Cripes.. what a scare. And then I thought about it- there was my MIL crying and panicking, watching the love of her life being so sick and not being able to help or know what was wrong- and I felt the fear from her and heard the desperation - "please not yet" and yet here I am wanting nothing more than to, at 37 years old I might add- find the love of her life and get rid of this weight, this load on my shoulders and all the while fearing that if I do not do something and soon, I will be in the same position she is in now- but only I won't care and I will have to look after someone whom I loathe and the only escape from that will be death- whether it be his or mine.. OMG.. how fucken depressing is that????? I mean really, to be honest - I don't live each day in hell here- its not all fighting and carrying on- we are completely civil most of the time but there is nothing- no affection or anything at all I literally cannot remember the last time I slept with him- I really believe it is going on a year now- it has to be. I just keep plotting my escape- my freedom from him- my happiness- and it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere- I guess I am looking for a magic fix and I know deep down that ain't gonna happen- I am going to have to do something- I just don't know what to do- how will I support my babies and make it so they don;t have to go to daycare when anything could happen to them?? Uggggg I hate money -!! Money can't buy you happiness huh?? BULLSHIT!!!!

Ramblings of a lonely girl...

2009-05-21T14:10:00.004-05:00

You know when you have one of those days where you have a lump in your throat and if someone were to say anything to you whether it be "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?" Or "Hello" you would just break down in tears? Well I am having a day like that and I have no idea why. Nothing has happened, and no, I am not coming on my period.. I am just so sad today. My heart is literally aching.. I just can't shake it. I just came back from wandering around a grocery store for 45 minutes only to walk out with a loaf of bread I didn't need. All because I didn't want to sit at home- alone.. thinking about whatever it is I am upset about which again, I really don't know... ho hum.. it's going to be a long lonely summer.

So you know how people say everything happens for a reason? Well, I don't think I really believe that to be true- and I think I have touched on this in a blog from forever ago- but anyway I do believe to a certain extent that everyone is here for a purpose- there is a reason for my being here and it is something significant. And no, by the way do I believe that the sole purpose of my being is to be a mother to these 3 babies (yes they are 7 but they are still my babies). I think I am here to be much more than that and I wish I knew what it was, I wish I aspired to be something. I know there is something greater in store for my life, our life (our meaning me and the kids of course) I really wish that there was some kind of sign- something to nudge me in the right direction.. I need something to change- everything to change- and I just need a little help getting started...

So if anyone knows something I don't- could ya please enlighten me??? Ya.. thanks so much...

If You Need a Laugh

2009-05-19T19:50:00.000-05:00

Miss you...

2009-05-08T09:53:00.002-05:00

Saw an old "friend" today and the first think I thought of was that I had to call Wendie (my friend who died in 2002) and tell her about it. That made me remarkably sad. I still to this day don't really believe she is dead. So much happened that she would have been a part of and I miss her so much sometimes. I miss her laugh most of all.

THEN

2009-05-07T21:06:00.002-05:00

Wishes

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heartI'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it outI wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

Superchick

Don't let the door hit you on the way out on THURSDAY

2009-04-27T21:55:00.004-05:00

So assmeat is supposed to start working at this job come this Thursday - I cannot even tell you how much I am looking forward to having my days back... not having to share my air with him and find reasons to stay in the basement or go out even though we had no money to buy anything just so I would not have to sit and make small talk with him. So beyond not interested that it is not even funny. Now if this stays as a constant-bonus- but for now- for this Thursday- I am happy and thankful just for that - even if it is for one day- Glorious Glorious Thursday.......

Here's a thought...

2009-04-22T14:54:00.002-05:00

I am just trying to pinpoint the exact moment- ok wait let's even say the year that it went from I LOVE YOU to I LOATHE YOU....

Just thinking out loud... carry on.

I think I just puked in my mouth a little...

2009-04-21T19:49:00.003-05:00

Ok I think I just inadvertently found out that HE and HER are now expecting and its a boy... I hope I am wrong about this... Maybe its she and he instead... It's bad enough I passed up the opportunity and then HE married HER and is no longer allowed to speak to me.. and now this.. lovely....Think I am bitter? Damn right I am....

And so it shall begin

2009-04-19T22:04:00.002-05:00

Ok so.. a couple of things- First- I have/will continue to start my exercise regiment. The other day I did a full 30 minute brisk walk and it felt good and I think it is something I can do. - And then I had my kids home for the weekend and it all went to hell- however I think if I can do that every weekday - it is a great start and I can adjust things as I need to after that. I have an issue with doing anything at home because of assmeat. I would be annoyed if he "caught" me exercising and not interested in his reaction or lack thereof.. and god knows I would not step foot in a gym- so until assmeat gets the fuck out and gets a job , this is my only option at this point- I think it'll be fine for the first little while- gotta start somewhere...

My FIL's cancer is back.. the spot they saw back in January has grown... don't know how bad yet- but it is not big enough to start treating it- so I guess that is good news... Ok, that's all I want to say about that ...

MMMM.... don't think I have mentioned this tid bit of info... Haven't spoken to my mother since the end of July/early August maybe.. the kids and I went up there and she started her irrationally yelling and carrying on about god knows what- so I already conceded to the fact I wasn't going back up there again anytime soon because I simply cannot handle the stress of it- the tip toeing around her in fear she will blow at any little thing- but the straw that broke the camels back was that she proceeded to call my sister u and tell her how awful my children were - talking smack about her own grandchildren- the ones she only sees 3 or 4 times a year- the only ones she saw incidentally because I was the only one stupid enough to drag them up there every couple of months because no one else would take theirs.. Well that just did it for me- I haven't spoken to her since I was up there= I did not call or go there for Christmas or anything- she called- my house- I ignored and she was all Ohh merry Christmas blah blah BULLSHIT- and then just last week she "heard" about Little Man being in the hospital and she was concerned. Again saw her number come up- and again IGNORE- so she is a right off-no one disses my kids- especially those who never see them or take the time to see them and then when they do talk shit about them- and I might add for no reason at all- I don't know what the hell she was talking about anyway- She's fucked- always looking for something to bitch about- not interested.. no time for bullshit and drama... life is too short for that. I have put up with her shit my whole life- I will be damned if she is going to talk about my babies that way and like I said, I am tired of tip toeing around her and trying to figure out what she is so god damned mad about all the time. Done and done....

A-Hole Alert

2009-04-19T21:42:00.002-05:00

So I am in a quandary as it were- I thought the drama bullshit ended once I left work and was away from the "women folk" (we all know how that can be). But it seems as though it has reared its ugly head again and I find myself at a loss as to what to do about it. My first instinct is to attack- because that is what I do when I am wounded, but by doing that I may make someone else's life more difficult than it is, so I probably shouldn't, and besides.. I am not that person anymore.. or at least I am trying not to be. Anyway this person is talking shit about me and from what I can gather from the situation, it seems to be out of almost jealousy that this person is being an a-hole to me- saying bad things about me. Because I have never had it out with this person, nothing "happened" and I think I wasn't supposed to know this person was talking shit about me and it just kinda came out- but I know now and I know it wasn't just one little thing said_ I know it is a everyday thing . What bothers me is that this person stands, in a way, between me and someone extra super special to me and it almost makes me want to distance myself from this special person just so the a-hole can see it is not me that is the "problem" but their own doing, their own issues has cause the shit for the a-hole. I dunno- I don't want to make things worse- but I will be damned if I am going to let someone talk shit about me for no good f'ing reason.. I'll have to ponder this for a while...

Just Breathe

2009-04-13T20:54:00.008-05:00

So Easter weekend brought with it a series of emotions. The kids had been sick for most of the week prior- but just the usual- runny noses- nothing major. I kept them home from school Tuesday and Wednesday, then Thursday they all went back in the morning because they had a Move-A-Thon which they had been looking forward to for weeks so they went for that and then I kept them home that afternoon- Little Man and Curly had developed a cough and even though it didn't seem too bad- I started Little Man with his puffers and figured he would get past the cold over the weekend. We hadn't- by the way had a problem with Little Man's asthma in almost 2 years- by problem I mean no hospital visits- when he gets a cold we start his puffers and he has been fine - nothing more serious has come of any of his colds no matter how bad they have gotten.... Anyway... By Thursday night I can hear that nasty cough of his getting worse and worse.. And before I know it Little Man is lying in bed beside me moaning and gasping...it all came on so fast... So off we go to the hospital- they take is SATS and he is at 85!!! Bad!!! We don't even wait- we are whisked to a room immediately...

Long story short Little Man is not responding to any treatments- 8 mask treatments, 3 doses of steroids and NO CHANGE. Different Dr's, specialists, respiratory therapists are all coming in and out and no one gets why. we do an X-ray and they discover he has pneumonia in the left lung but still- he should be responding somehow to treatments. This whole time we are in ER by the way, they have him on full oxygen constantly, only to stop it while he is doing his mask treatments. It soon becomes evident we are not going home- The pediatrician- who just so happens to be our pediatrician comes to see him and confirms we will not be going home because his SATS are still too low and that there has been no improvement. Soon we are moved up to the Ped's floor and put in the quarantine room- (I still don't now why- I forgot to ask about that actually) Anyway they tell me straight away that no one else will be in our room and that the bed beside him is for me. I felt so much better- I was so afraid that I would have to go home and leave him here- which of course I wouldn't have done anyway even if it meant I would have stood up leaning against a wall all night. Soon after nurse after nurse and Dr after Dr comes in to see and check and talk- a nurse asks Little Man if he likes the Wii - they bring in a cart with a Wii and 20 games built right into it- Thank god for that- he was so happy-he was like "this is like a hotel!" Which by the way he has never been to a hotel before so I don't know how he would know that.. but anyway I felt better that he felt better. At this point he didn't get that he wasn't going home. Once I told him he broke down and cried- he just wanted to see Curly and Pickle.. it was so sweet/sad. Later that evening Assmeat brought up the other 2 to see him- it was cute- for about 10 minutes and then they all started fighting over the Wii- who was player one- "I don't want to play this game" and the usual sibling stuff..so Little Man settled in for the night and the poor thing- not only did he not sleep the night before either (nor did I ) but now we sure as hell weren't getting any sleep because we had a constant flow of Dr's and nurses checking his vitals, giving him mask treatments- he would just start to fall asleep and someone would come in- then he would get a mask and you can't sleep through that racket- then he would be wired a bit afterwards and watch a little tv- and then the process would start all over again. So we didn't sleep- every once in a a while when I thought he was sleeping I would close my eyes and try to sleep and he would come and crawl into my little tiny non-adjustable cot- and I would bring him back to his bed and re-adjust everything and well what do you know here comes someone else...

Throughout the night the nurses kept telling me his SATS were improving- still on oxygen all the time and doing masks and steroids and added antibiotics for the pneumonia, but things were looking up. So the next day when the nurses came in to give him more meds we were all shocked to see his SATS were down to just as low as they were when we came in- he didn't seem to be struggling to breathe or anything it was weird- they changed machines and everything thinking there must have been a mistake- but no. The pediatrician came in and basically told us there was no way unless something miraculous happened that we would be going home. So there again we get a stream of Dr's and specialists coming and going trying to figure it out- they upped his oxygen and started mask after mask. This went on all day and for some reason, shortly after lunch, they decided to take him off the oxygen and see how he would handle it. He got up to about 94 and stayed there consistently for hours which was awesome and unexpected- after another mask treatment it went even high although shortly after that it came back down- the Dr's concluded that it was the pneumonia in the lung that was making his SATS so low and not the same as it would be if it was just his asthma causing it - so that was good news I guess- it was just a matter of getting the antibiotics into him to get that pneumonia out of his lung- Finally after seeing him not go below 95 the decided he could come home with of course, all the antibiotics and steroids and his puffers to do- but that's ok- we'll take it- so we set off home and as I write this now- he is so much better you would almost never know how bad he was just a couple of days ago- So we celebrated Easter- a day late because you know Mommy had to contact the Easter Bunnies "people" to arrange for him to come a day later because we thought Little Man would still be hospital- no one seemed to mind and I stayed up til the wee hours of the morning writing clues and making de-coders for them to "de-code" the clues and search for their goodies- it went over well- and everyone got a lot of goodies!! I'm so glad my little guy is ok now.. it just goes to show you that you can never tell- you never know when something can go horribly wrong...

No.. No .. Don`t say anything- just go with it...

2009-04-01T12:48:00.003-05:00

So its now April- all of these months that have passed since I vowed I would start exercising and yet I have done nothing- At first it was, Oh I will wait til Assmeat gets back to work- and well since that hasn't happened- I wonder what other excuses I will come up with before I start - I don't want to get to summer and think why didn't I do something before? I don't want to be fat again for another summer and never put a bathing suit on or wear shorts or hate every single picture that is taken of me.. I don't wanna!!! Ok there is my rant for the moment... There's a bag of cookies with my name on it waiting to be eaten... just kidding.... Or not....

P.S. Blee Blah Blue......

I love my kids

2009-03-30T19:46:00.005-05:00

I love that my kids are so much like me in so many ways- Just silly things though you know- like the fact that Pickle and Little Man for the most part anyway, love doing crafties. I love that my kids love rice and gravy just like me and just like me, it is their comfort food. I love that Pickle will come home from school, or just spend an entire Saturday for that matter, cuddled up in her bed in her jammies watching movies and playing with barbies or coloring. I love that we all love playing board games - and I love that I have probably 20 some-odd board games that one day we will play together but that I am happy just to play snakes and ladders or monopoly jr or checkers or whatever until then. I am happy that my kids still don't care that I show up to school when it's pizza lunch day and hang out until the bell rings even though it would be like a "day off " for me- I am glad they still run to me calling my name when they get out of school every day... I am just happy my kids like me and like being with me and we like doing things together- and I am disturbed that some people don't seem to care that their kids don't want to be around them....

You Are Not Dreaming...

2009-03-29T21:47:00.006-05:00

Ok so - I am not going to spend this entire post rehashing the last 6-8 months or going on about why I haven't blogged- I just haven't- not that there hasn't been anything to blog about. Mostly, to be honest, its just because I am or was- or always will be, caught up in the Facebook world and of course- skype.. so whatever- I'm back- ...

I am also, not dead- not dying, that I know of- not feeling 100% but I would say in the range of 80-85% which is acceptable. I am still a non-smoker thank you very much and plan to stay that way FOREVER! I am so grateful I do not smoke anymore- I don't have to worry about how I will quit- "oh how will I ever stop smoking?" I am done with it and I am so awesome for that!!!! I also- on the down side gained at least 20 pounds over the past year because of that- but I can get rid of the weight- once motivation kicks in again.....

Why do I have no motivation you ask?? I will say one thing and I know I need not say another thing: CC- UNEMPLOYED- A-Fucken-GAIN- since mid-December.. how is he not dead? How am I not in jail/gone out of my f'ing mind you ask? I do not rightly know.... that is all I want to say about that right now. It makes my stomach hurt.

So I'm back.. I will try for a goal of once a week- maybe more to just keep the juices flowing if nothing else... I have to get back to me stuff - do things I like- and I like to write... and so, I shall....

Gobble gobble....

2008-10-13T20:16:00.003-05:00

Well.. Happy Turkey Day- it is Thanksgiving here in Canada and though I had so so so much to be thankful for I am also scared shitless right now so it is hard to think of anything else. Tomorrow at 7:40 in the morning I will be having a catscan done on my brain. I have not been well as of late- terribly weird things happening to me numbness tingling, lightheaded, heart palpitations... and on and on... they don't know what is wrong with me but it is becoming debilitating and I am not able to resume my regular daily activities - it's becoming scary - very scary. I find myself paralyzed with fear and having anxiety attacks on top of everything else I am feeling as well- scared scared scared. So many people I know lately are being diagnosed with this or that - mostly cancer and scary shit like that and I am scared. I can't leave my babies- nothing can be the matter with me- it just can't- totally unacceptable!!! So tonight I will probably stay up all night because I won't be able to sleep and then tomorrow after my catscan I have to go on a school trip with my babies- great- what timing eh.. anywya I will let you know when I know- send your zen my way and hope its nothing- yes let's all hope it is something stupid... or nothing at all .. something tells me it won't be that easy- something tells me I am in for a fight....

2008-08-19T10:13:00.002-05:00

So I should tell you that I have quit smoking- oh yes, for good, I am done with it- I am finished. I had "quit" several times since last October, but always managed to have a drag here or there or just have one or two smokes a day. And then FIL was diagnosed. And I quit- but then I would still have one here or there and I just couldn't shake it. So in June- I got terribly sick- I mean I was so sick I was scared. Any other time I had gotten a chest cold or whatever I would find myself smoking more believe it or not- being sick would cause me to smoke more than I would whether I was wheezing or coughing or whatever. But this time, this time I was dreadfully ill- pneumonia. At the point I finally gave in and went to the dr's it was already almost week 3 I think of the illness. The dr. said had I come in at the "height" of it they probably would have hospitalized me.. lovely. Anyway, I was so sick I didn't smoke- I wore a patch for a few days but I found the patch was making me crave still because I was still being fed the nicotine. So I forwent the patch- toughed it out and I am happy to say that I am a non-smoker and even though stress-wise I have had a million reasons to pick one up again- I have not- not even a drag - nothing. So yee ha for me!! On the other hand- quitting smoking has lead me to gain at least another 10 pounds... I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life- (haven't I said that before?) but at least I can work that off- you can work off cancer right? And yes I am mortified about my weight right now- but its something I can change so I am trying to be positive about it... trying.. trying very hard...

Sadly, (try and figure this riddle out) Pickles' husbands' grandmother- whom I have grown to know quite well, is terribly ill as well. Seems she was having dizzy spells, and figured it was vertigo or something weird- she ends up finding out she has lung cancer that has spread to the brain.... I heart aches. Pickle's husband is so so so so close to her- she lives with them as well and they are like two peas in a pod- how awful. And yes, a smoker she is... another reason never to touch them again.... So we have had my "Son-in-law" over a lot to try to give his mom a break and to give him a bit of fun. His mom is 8 1/2 months pregnant by the way- a baby they have tried for almost 7 years to have- it was all very exciting- but now sadly that joy seems to be lost in the sadness and the inevitable. Heart breaking.

So I have become, (maybe I always was) absolutely paralyzingly terrified of death. I mean truly. It is all around me. And I am scared to death. I convince myself that because I still am not feeling 100% since I quit smoking 2 months ago that surely I have cancer or some other ailment and it is just a matter of time. What scares me the most about it is my babies. what would they do? Leave them with assmeat?? (Oh, that is my new name for CC- no, nothing has changed) I cannot even fathom their lives with him and without me. I am getting veclempted just thinking about it now. Just before I quit smoking I got a physical- which surprisingly was ok- nothing bad except for the fact that I have a very under active thyroid and now am on thyroid medication for the rest of my life- boo hiss- but other than that chest x-ray cholesterol, blood pressure- everything fine. BUT- they never saw anything in my FIL's chest x-ray either nor in my son-in-law's grandmother and both of them have lung cancer !!!!! So what do you do??? Even though I don't cough or wheeze anymore like I used to- I still feel a bit congested- like all the time- and I am so so scared....

Well, I think I have written enough today- all very depressing too wasn't it? Oh well.. I'll find a happy memory from the summer and write about it later... I know I have got some ... yeah, there has to be some .... let me work on that ...

THE RAY OF SUNSHINE

2008-08-15T15:31:00.002-05:00

So with all the sadness I have been feeling about the loss of my uncle, and all the other crap that has been going on (Oh!! I still have yet to tell you what else happend!! Stay tuned for that) I neglected to tell you about how grateful I am- My FIL has been doing well!!! He has undergone months of radiation and Chemo and actually- this coming Thursday, he will be getting the results of the latest CAT scan. I can tell you he has gained a ton if weight back, he can talk again and has been feeling really really well!! The last check up he had was great in that the tumours had shrunk signifiganty!! So they did another round of treatments and so that is what this next appointment will be for- to see if he needs further treatments or if he is OK for now- its truly a miracle it really is- he is not out of the woods yet - I know that - but he has just done so well and is feeling so much better- he's even talking about going back to work!! WHAT>????? I am just grateful for the time and for his health- for now- for today- for this minute- I am grateful...

THREE LITTLE BIRDS

2008-08-15T14:37:00.002-05:00

My little lambs are 6 now- almost 7 and going into grade 2 in a couple short weeks. I am having a hard time with the fact that they are getting older and I often find myself watching their baby videos and getting teary-eyed because I know that time is past and I can never get it back- anyway they are all doing well- Little Man is now taking Electric Guitar classes! Yes can you believe it?? Hilarious- he likes it too and he's pretty good at it considering he has just started and I am certainly not musically inclined - so he started from scratch literally- So he's had a half dozen lessons or so and is doing well and so- we've got ourselves a rock star!! This summer, Curly decided to play soccer- let's just say it isn't his thing-we'll try something else next year.... Pickle is taking cooking classes!! She's gone to about 6 0r 7 classes and she just loves it- the only thing about that is the fact that she knows what goes into things now- so she is not as eager to try something once she knows what's in it- anyway she likes it- so whatever...

So the summer has flown by sadly- and the weather has been awful so we haven't done all that much- last month my sister and S and their families and mine went to Yogi Bear's Jelly Stone park for a 2 day camping trip- wasn't what we expected and it was cold and damp- but I think the kids liked it ok- and we have some activities coming up for the next couple of weeks that should satisfy them- CNE, Ontario Place, movies, a get together with my Auntie and my cousins for a day O fun, and of course another trip up to Auntie S's.. so we're good- I just wish it didn't go by so fast...

WHERE TO BEGIN....

2008-08-15T14:22:00.002-05:00

Ok.. I have much to say so I will just start with whatever and go on as I please.. bare with me..

So my uncle died- yes, my dear sweet Uncle passed away from cancer- it was quite sudden in that he was fine for so long and then it was like one day he wasn't and it all went so quickly after that. I am terribly sad about it- and I will miss him horribly. My Auntie Ann and Uncle Jim were like the parents I never had- so to speak. Their place was the one place in the entire world where I could go and feel completely, utterly at home and being in their company meant I felt love. I know that sounds cheesy- but its true- unconditional love beamed from their every pore. I feel terribly sad for my Auntie- I know she will be sad for a while and I am sure incredibly lonely- I cannot imagine the love of your life for your entire life no longer being there- but I have vowed to myself that I will not let a month go by without seeing her or talking to her- and not because I feel sorry for her- but because I truly love her with all of my heart and want her to be a part of my life all the time- not just at holidays. So there you go- I had a dream that I started a club for her and I and my cousin and my sister and that every month we get together and have a game night- so I think I am going to suggest that and that we should make it a monthly thing- I think it will be fun and I think we all need each other and need a fun night like that- so anyway I will suggest it and see what happens- I know they will be on board-

Anyway - I really don't even want to talk about it anymore because I am still quite sad about my uncle- I really am- my heart hurts to think about it - and I have cried a million tears over his loss but yet it doesn't seem to take away any of the hurt- or sadness-anyway I don't want to appear to be too dramatic about it - I bet it is surprising to some that it affected me so - but it did...

MY MY MY

2008-07-31T00:17:00.002-05:00

Can it be possibe that the last time I wrote here was like February? Well, sorry to disappoint- but it won't be tonight either- or tomorrow or the next day- to give a brief synopsis- tomorrow I am going to the funeral of my dear sweet uncle... and just sick about it- and from there I am leaving to go on a camping trip with my 3 little pigs, my best friend Shell and her 2 and my sister Moe and her 2 for 2 nights 3 days- at Yogi Bear's Jelly Stone Park no less... so much to tell you all- so sad, I promise when I get back I will write up a storm and tell you all what you have been missing out on in my life for the past 5 months or so.... its almost 1:30 in the morning- nope- stil not sleeping normally- but I guess this time I have a reason.. anyway I better go- talk to you all soon....

WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING... NIKKI WASN'T THERE.....

2008-02-04T21:41:00.000-06:00

So after putting it off for days, I guess I am finally ready to tell the story of the day Nikki died. I still don't feel any better- worse somehow- sad- of course- guilty- maybe forever.

The entire day I knew what was going to happen- I knew that at the end of that day I would be saying goodbye to my first little baby- the baby that I carried around in my overalls pocket and put in my knapsack, and took wherever I went. The same little baby I dressed up relentlessly and did fashion show videos with and treated more like a child than a dog. The same little baby who was there for me through all the loss and the heartache while I tried to fulfill my dreams of becoming a "real" mommy..

And yet.....

and yet instead of spending the day with her and holding her and thanking her for all she had given to me- I, like the coward I am- ran. I found anything and everything I possibly could not be at home that entire day. I went and bought her a new blanket - to wrap her in so she wouldn't be cold when we went. I bought groceries and craft supplies- for what? I guess just anything so that I didn't have ot face the fact that I would be taking her to do what I did.

I dropped the kids at my sisters and headed back home. My friend M was coming with me- she was going to drive so I could hold Nikki. She was waiting in the driveway when I got back from my sisters and we went into my house and talked for a little while. I was anxious and nervous and stalling a bit I guess- and then I knew it was time to go. I wrapped her in the blanket I had bought her and we got into the car. She seemed calm enough- I can't even remember the last time she was in a car and I thought about that on the way there. We got there all too quickly and as soon as I walked in, and while M was parking, they escorted me into an exam room. Nikki became immediately aggitated and was trying to wriggle out of my arms. I hadn't seen her with that much energy in months- she really started freaking out and as I went to put her down I realized she had and was still, shitting all over the place- I had it on my jacket and she was just going all over the floor and her tail was covered in it I guess because of the way I was holding her. Then I remembered as I was trying to clean it all up- that she had done this every time we went to the vets- she was so scared she literally shit herself everytime we went. One of the girls came in just then and helped me clean up- and gave me a towel to put around her- so much for the new blanky....

M came into the room with me and the vet came in telling me what would happen next. They left me a form to sign- a consent for the "procedure"- I didn't even read it.

They took Nikki from me so they could put an intravenus into her and then they would bring her back. It seemed like they were only gone for a second... everything was happening so fast- I was starting to loose it- crying quietly- second guessing myself.. panicking almost. They left me with Nikki for a minute or two and the vet came back in and asked if I was ready. I wasn't of course and I told her that if she didn't do it right there and then that I was running out of there. She started putting the syringe into the intravenus and Nikki started squirming trying to get out of my arms- I was screaming in my head STOP!!! PLEASE STOP...I held her tightly and I just lost it- I was crying so hard and so loud and I just kept saying I'm sorry Oh Nikki I am so sorry...

Within seconds I could feel her getting very heavy in my arms.. and I couldn't look at her- I just couldn't. And the vet (this image has been stuck in my mind ever since) put her hand against Nikki's cheek and leaned her against my chest.. I was hysterical, M was sobbing just as much as I was and it was truly the most horrible awful empty sad feeling I think I have felt- ever- the only thing I could compare it to is when I lost my babies- when they would be wheeling me down to the OR and I was all alone and scared and sad and angry and pleading in my heart for it all to be a dream but knowing it wasn't and that I had to feel it - I had to feel it all or it would destroy me.. it was truly that awful. She listened for a heart beat and said that she was gone. She said she would leave us alone for a moment and to let her know when I was ready..

In a way I knew I would nver be ready- that I could have sat there all night holding her telling her I was sorry and wishing I hadn't done it or at least waited another day or month or year.. I sat there for a moment or so sobbbing uncontrollably and told M to get the vet back in- I just kept thinking- Take her- please just take her... and they did.. that was it- in a matter of 10 minutes from the time I walked in with her it was all over- and she wasn't coming back.

Then they asked me about the ashes and if I had chosen an urn and I was in such a fog I couldn't think straight- they gave me the book and asked that I come back the next day with my decision. I asked where she was, and they told me the freezer- I just about threw up right then and there and I knew I had to get the fuck out of there and quick- I knew I couldn't change what happend - but if I had stayed there any longer I would have convinced myself I think, that I could go and get her and forget the whole thing..

M took me home and we sat for a while and talked- I told her some stories and shared a few memories about Nikki and then I had to go back and get the kids.

All the way to my sisters I cried and then of course I had to pretend I was ok for the kid's sake. As far as they knew Nikki was in the hospital and very sick- they didn't even ask about her until we got back home.

The next day I went back and picked out the urn. I am having trouble accpeting that it will actually be her ashes I get back- I mean like really- how does one know? I suppose I just have to trust that the people doing it are honest animal loving people... what else can I do?

On Sunday, I broke the news to the kids. I needed a couple of days to get over it myself- so I could at least be stong enough for them.. Pickle freaked out- sobbing hysterically- screaming that they killed her they killed her!! I tried to explain that they did all that they could but that Nikki was just too old and too sick- "they didn' try hard enough" she cried back... Little Man cried and cried- and then he said "I wish I could die so I could see Nikki in heaven" and that was it for me.. I told him never to say things like that because Mommy needs him here and loves him. We talked about how Nikki is better now and she can see and hear and can run around and have fun again- I even told them she could talk which kinda made them all laugh a bit- it was sad ...
I told them we could send messages to Nikki in heaven with balloons so this weekend we are going to go and buy helium balloons and attach messages to them and send them up to Nikki- I didn't know what else to do- to see their little faces and hear them crying - it broke me.. after they went to bed- I cried my guts out for an hour...

I can still hear her sometimes walking around- hearing her little nails click on the floor- and I stil find myself putting plates of food down on the floor for her.. I wake up and expect to see her in her little bed outside my room or to come into the kitchen when she smells that I am cooking something.. I feel a little lost truthfully and empty.. I still haven't thrown any of her stuff out. Her food and water dish are still down and so are her blankets and her little bed.. I am not ready yet.. but I know I have to do it soon.. I will never get another animal- I simply cannot bare this pain again... it is truly awful...

And that's all I have to say about that....

IN THE MIDST OF MY GRIEF....

2008-01-31T21:43:00.000-06:00

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You are only coming through in waves.. your lips move, but I can't hear what your sayin'...

2008-01-29T23:11:00.000-06:00

I thought I would come on here and write a bit but now that I am here sitting, dreading, hoping that tomorrow will never come, I regretfully have nothing to say.. I am numb.

WHERE THE HELL IS THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT??

2008-01-28T21:00:00.000-06:00

These past few days have just flown by. Wednesday is coming way too fast- and I am not sure I am going to make it. My track record suggests I will, and that in each and every tragedy in my life or crisis I have risen above and switched to another gear shall we say, and gotten through it. I know I will- I know that physically I will "get through it"- I just don't wanna. I mean of course, I don't want to be in the situation of getting through anything- I cannot stop any of this- I am so scared. On one hand I think everything, somehow is going to be fine. But on the other, I have thoughts of the funeral, and have already started putting pictures together of him and the kids. The other day for some reason I was compelled to do so and spent the better part of the day going through all of my cd's of pictures and copying the ones I wanted to my computer. I hate that I was doing it but something made me. I don't know what else to say- we will more Wednesday.....

I took my Christmas tree down today and hated every moment of it. I even took down the Christmas clock. Now there is nothing left of Christmas and that makes me terribly sad. I got choked up just typing that....

Wednesday is also the day that poor little Nikki is being put down. I have wrestled with this the last few days- I know deep down it is the right thing to do but I don't wanna- how can I do this?

I have decided that I no longer wish to be an adult thank you very much. As shitty as my childhood was- I think I would like to go back please.. Being an adult sucks ass...

...and I think it's gonna rain today.....

2008-01-25T12:19:00.000-06:00

So the last week or so has been just awful- I set the date for little Nikki to get put down- January 30- as I was making the call and trying to convince myself it was the right thing to do- I cried uncontrollably to the poor secretary on the phone and then after I hung up I cried more. Someone said to me that day- everyone has to die- and I thought yes, that is true- but I am choosing her death which to me seems, I dunno harder somehow. I know she cannot tell me she is in pain or she doesn't want to go on, I dunno, I hate having to be the one to make this decision. I almost wish some mornings that I will find that she has passed away in her sleep- I am just sick about it...
On another note- things have gone from bad to worse with my FIL. As I have mentioned he has been going through months and months (literally since April 07) of testing to try and figure out what the heck is wrong with him- he is down to about 125 lbs or so which is crazy- he has withered away before our eyes. On Wednesday he got the results from the latest test he had done (CAT scan which he has had 2 others before this as well) and it is not good- they also did another scope and took a biopsy of something they found on the lung. They are 90% sure it is a tumour on the lung- to what degree or what stage we do not know. He meets with a lung surgeon on Wednesday (yes the same day Nikki gets put down) and I guess we will know more then. I think the world just fell out from underneath me then - my heart sank, my stomach hurt, my heart beat so fast I thought it was coming out of my chest. This cannot happen- this is unacceptable. I am not willing to accept this - after the initial shock and the tears and the questions and the anger- I felt this exhaustion come over me like nothing before- it hit me like a brick and I fell asleep almost instantly. It didn't last long though- I was up and down every hour or so- waking up from nightmares and convincing myself I had just dreampt it- its not real- it cannot be. I have all of these questions and I don't know what to do- and my heart hurts for my babies- they loved their papa so much- more so I think (shhh....) than CC - he has been more of a father to them and more of a husband to me- not in that way - you know helping me around the house and going everywhere with us- etc- anyway I know little Pickle cannot bare this- I know her little heart will not be able to handle this much sorrow- she has been quite distressed about the fact that papa hasn't been feeling well for so long- the kids have hardly seen him in months and it bothers her- she is so overly concerned that it's almost disturbing- like she is only 6- and she worries oh so much and yes she is dramatic- but she is just so deeply affected by everything I don't know what she will do.... I am scared for them and terribly sad.

CC is another story.. all these months I kept telling him that I had a bad feeling about his dad- that something real bad was going to come of all of this and just the other day before we knew the extent we do now, I freaked out on him and told him that he treats his parents like shit and always has and he better start being nice to his dad etc etc and I don't even know why I started saying all of that- but anyway he got all upset and started saying he has to start being nicer to everyone wah wah- anyway buddy- heard that before... I know is mean and sad but last night, after we found out he cried, and I think I have only seen him cry like 4 times in 17 years- I should have reached out and hugged him and held him and told him it would be ok- but I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I didn't want to comfort him - I felt like telling him- go- cry- you should feel bad and scared- go off and cry- I have no sympathy for you- I was just so pissed off at him. Today we went over to his parent's house and sat and talked and his mom kept crying and then I would see her cry and I would cry- and I just feel so fucken helpless I want to do something or stop it - and I cannot- I have to trust that the people with the power will fix him up the best they can and he will stay with us. He is more of a father than I have ever had- and I say this with selfishness: He cannot die because I still need him and the kids need him and life just isn't going to be the same with out him and I refuse to let him go- I am not going to let this happen- fuck that- he's not leaving me with CC and the MIL- he's the only other one who gets it- anyway I am just blabbering now- I am terribly sad and scared and I just wish I could curl up and sleep and wake up when he is all better... I hope I am strong enough for all of this-next week is going to be awful...

COLD AS YOU

2008-01-10T08:20:00.000-06:00

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take
You take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want
Cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you
Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing, honey
But I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died
Died for you (died for you)

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counted all the scars you made
Now that I'm sitting her thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Taylor Swift

HONESTLY...

2008-01-09T10:13:00.000-06:00

You asked me that when the time came
if I could please just be happy for you-
I promise-
I will be.
Honestly.
But I cannot promise
that I won't be
sad for myself.
I know it will hurt like hell.

WTF???

2008-01-08T18:28:00.000-06:00

I have been known to watch Oprah now and then- lately she has annoyed me and her topics are getting mundane and repetitive- Anyhoo---- I do recall a certain episode wherein she had these English chicks on who talked about the fact that something like 70% of women are wearing the wrong bra size and I thought- well these women must be stupid then mustn't they? Well, I must join the club of stupidity because after today I realized that I too have not been wearing the right size bra- at least for the past 5 years anyway. Yeah so I go into LaSenza (is that what it is called?) today which by the way I never go in there because to find my size bra is impossible and it just makes me feel bad about myself. But anyway I went in there to check out the sales for Pickle- they have a little girl's clothing line and Pickle is finally at the size where she can fit into their smallest size. Anyway so I go and look around and end up looking at some bras and trying a couple on but knowing full well that even though they say they are a certain size they are not- they are liars! Anyway I try on my 34DD's in about 7 different styles and have the same problem with each- my boobs are just a popping out the tops of them- the sales lady who was trying desperately to get me to come out of the change room with one of them on (are you fucken nuts?) was trying to tell me that is the way they are supposed to fit and that yes my boobs are supposed to be sitting under my chin- bras are supposed to push up don't yah know- but I don't want them to!!! My neck holds my head up just fine- I do not need my boobs to hold up my head thanks so much- anyway I look at the rack one last time before giving up as usual and leaving feeling disgusted with myself- and low and behold there sat a lonely little bra with the letter E on it- could this be? Could this be the next size up from DD? I had never seen it before- not here- not anywhere actually- and though I do not go to specialty stores ( have never even heard of one around here) it was always hard enough to find the DD size but now now here before me sits a lonely 34E - and something just told me - this is the one Jen- this is it- and so I tried it on and TAADAA! It fits! my boobs are not under my chin and they are not hopping out- that is the answer- that is it! I am not a DD I AM AN E!!! It truly never occurred to me that I could be - but in fact I must be- even those bra size calculators say I should be a DD but after trying on the E I know now where my boobies belong.... so of course that was literally the only size E they had in the entire store because otherwise I would have bought every last one of them.. yee ha!! boobies- you will have a comfortable place to hang out after all!!

WANTED:

2008-01-08T18:22:00.001-06:00

So, after much consideration, I have decided that I need a boyfriend. Yes. I think that is precisely what I need. Someone I can talk to you and laugh with and who will treat me with respect and kindness and think that I am pretty and funny and who will take me places and want to be with me all the time (but won't be and that's a good thing) and who will genuinely be interested in what I have to say and want to know everything about me. Yes- that is what I need. Now where do I go to buy one of those?

I DID NOT FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.....

2008-01-06T14:25:00.000-06:00

... although some days I wish I had. No, not really. So, I have been getting complaints from people about the lack of posts and so I thought, even though I do not feel like rehashing the last month or so, I will give some brief rundowns to give you a little insight into what has been going on around here as of late...

so here we go...

* After the chicken pox out break- after the last poor little lamb made it back to school- and I mean right after ( They were all back to school ONE day) Pickle came down with a stomach virus so bad I almost took her to hospital- she puked for days and the pains she had in her tummy were almost too much for her to bare. And of course.. the boys followed suit a few days later- end result- 3 kids home for a full week of misery, crying pain and puking... oh happy days.....

* Once that was all over with, which brought us right into the month of December- it was time to get under way with the birthday celebrations- since their birthday is just a few days before Christmas, I have been having their party early in December just to get it done with, and out of respect for those coming- there are so many Christmas parties etc going on, I just think the earlier the better. Anyway Little Man was obsessed with having their party at home (uggg) this year with party games and the whole thing. So while the kids were off sick I sent out invitations to the kids asking to give us a quick reply as I let each child invite only 2 people and those 2 people would buy a present for them and them only. I mean after all you cannot invite a kid to a party and expect for them to buy a gift for each one right- so anyway I explained it in detail within the invitations stating that if they could not make it to let us know immediately so that the child in question could have the opportunity to invite someone else. Anyway people are stupid, rude or whatever because I only got one answer. the day before the party, and after I had already invited a whole new group of kids cause no one had replied, plus all the backups we had (relatives to fill in the gaps you know cousins etc) don't cha know everyone started replying out of no where and next thing you know I have 14 kids at the party which meant going out the day before to buy a whole new batch of stuff for loot bags and ordering a bigger cake, accommodating for more people for all the games planned etc. I have to say in the long run, it went over quite well, the kids seemed to all enjoy and it wasn't as bad as I thought but of course it was stressful as hell preparing it all and hosting- but anyway its done. My baby's are 6 now and I could just cry thinking about it.

* So then there was Christmas. Now keep in mind I had very very little time to prepare for Christmas this year because I had the kids home for about a month and a week give or take and then the birthday party so I had about 2 weeks to prepare and shop for Christmas.. can you say POWER SHOP???? The kids got more than enough as usual, had my sister and brother over- went to my mother's (ugggg) and survived the 2 week Christmas vacation INCLUDING CC. So there you go. Not too shabby. It was actually ok, it really was.. there are some things that have happened or that have come to light which I will write about later- but over all a good Christmas holidays.

* My FIL is very sick and no one knows why. He has been sick since like April and it just keeps getting worse and worse. He now officially weighs less than I do which is absolutely frightening. He has taken every test imaginable and they cannot figure out what is wrong. It breaks my heart and scares me to death all at the same time....

* Speaking of fathers- mine decided not to be with us at Christmas this year and instead went to my uncles. I have not spoken to him in months and frankly I don't know what to think about it all. He never ever calls me- he had sent a few emails to me at the beginning of the year about stupid trivial shit- but other than that nothing. I am not chasing him- not anymore. when he first came back I tried my best to do anything I could to help him out we helped him move into an apartment and furnish it and I took him a lot of places then he got real sick and I went to the hospital as much as I could and then it all just stopped once he was better- even last Christmas when he was here I just felt like he didn't want to be here. My sister lives 5 minutes from him and he never calls her either- I don't understand it all and there is so much more to it- but I don't feel like discussing it right now, I really truly don't.

* My dog, Nikki is on her last legs. I have had her since CC and I first moved into our apartment in 1992. She was my baby and went everywhere with me and I dressed her up, treated her like a child - almost to the point of ridiculousness. Truthfully, I think she was my baby to fill the void of a baby because once the kids were born (other than the fact that I was so busy I didn't have time to sleep let alone play dress up with a dog) I didn't really pay much attention to her- so kinda faded into the background. I know that is awful and sad, but so true- and she has been going downhill very drastically. Granted, she is almost 16 which is insanely old in dog years but still, in the summer she was still running around here and there and now she has trouble getting up and down stairs, her legs give out sometimes, she's deaf for sure and always has her tail between her legs. Unfortunately I am of the mentality that I don't want to know. I don't want to bring her to a vet because I am scared of what they will say although I know she will have to be put down. When she has a good day I convince myself she is fine now and makes me feel badly about even thinking to put her down... never again, no more animals... I can't deal.. anyway I am calling tomorrow- it has to be done... poor little Nikki.....

Ok now I have depressed myself. HAPPY NOW?? Ha! kidding.. that is all for now... got to take a breather....

FALL ON YOUR KNEES.....

2007-11-20T22:47:00.000-06:00

Ok so briefly I will update you on the chaos of my life. 2 weeks almost to the day that Curly and Pickle came down with the chicken pox, Little man did as well and with a fucken vengeance I tell you- he got them twice as much as Pickle and three times as much as Curly.. it has been awful- and Little Man is not like the other 2- not a good patient... and that's all I have to say about that. We missed going to my dear Shell's for her towns Christmas parade and a day of Christmas crafts and well, just being with her.. he missed CC's work Christmas party. I ended up taking the other 2 whilst CC stayed home with him-poor dear.. Hopefully by Thursday he should be ready to go back to school and then my 22 day run of being home bound and constantly with at least one child will be over and I can get back to my routine- my sad, lonely boring routine.. but you know what right now I will take that any day over looking after another child with chicken pox- fucken A.

So despite my set backs of late and not starting off the "holidays" as I wanted and not being able to start shopping or decorating or anything else, I am trying desperately to get into the Christmas spirit- to somehow overdo and make up for last year- anything has to be better than last year. And here I find myself typing this blog when I should in fact be cleaning the rest of this basement which I put on my list of things to do today and which at this point has not been completed and which I cannot cross off my list- I should be doing another load of laundry- which is also on my list, or a hundred other things- but I am sitting here - stalling I guess- I am wiped out emotionally and physically just wiped- I have given every ounce of patience and nurtured and comforted all I can and I am tired- anyway so here I sit listening to Christmas music while I waste away the hours and wonder why I am so tired in the morning.

Anyway speaking of Christmas- I will tell you what- O HOLY NIGHT has got to be I think my favourite song of all time. Not just Christmas songs- all songs. I have every version of any person who ever sang this song from Celine Dion to Cartman from South Park. I am not a religious person ( no really?!) but this song just gets to me. I can any day, any time of year put this song on and it always does one of 2 things to me- makes me cry- like sob- down from the pit of my stomach bawl or gives me an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace. It's that one part especially that gets to me- that some can sing with such power and conviction it sends chills through me- "Fall on your knees... hear the angel voices...." fuck I love that part.

Tonight, it makes me cry. Tonight, I think about how so many Christmas' past have been filled with such sorrow and hurt- and wonder if this year somehow it will be different and if I can live up to my expectations of it all- tonight I wonder what lurks around the corner for me because surely something will happen to unravel me again. Surely I will find myself broken, and crumpled in a ball on the kitchen floor crying from the depths of my stomach and feeling that ache in my heart just like so many Christmas' before. It always makes me wonder why I love Christmas so much- so many terrible things have happened at Christmas- enough to turn ya off completely - but I have hope that one day it will be my magic Christmas- we'll see...

Anyway- I better get back to work. Tomorrow is another day and the days go by so quickly- how the hell is almost the end of November already anyway ? WTF?

POOR ME

2007-11-07T20:26:00.000-06:00

Yes.. I'll say it- poor me I feel sorry for me.. there ya go- I do and I don't care who thinks what about it...

Pickle has now come down with the stomach flu on top of still having chicken pox- been cleaning up puke all day.. lovely...

MY husband is an asshole- ok.. that is no different from any other day but still- had to point it out.. he got pissed off at me because I didn't have dinner ready when he got home.. he worked all day don't ya know and I sat here and did nothing .... whatever- asshole...

It is my birthday. I have 2 parents still alive- and 2 brothers and 2 sisters- out of my whole family- my sister called to wish me a happy birthday.. ONE sister ---the rest of my family couldn't be bothered I guess... and yet- now get this- my best friend from over 25 years ago- whom I have seen once in about 17 years sent me a bouquet of flowers- granted I hate flowers- but still, she took the time to send me a bouquet of flowers on my birthday-isn't that just the sweetest.... my family sucks ass... except you Moe......

MOTHER ON THE EDGE

2007-11-06T21:10:00.000-06:00

Where to begin....

This past 6 days have been hell for me- Halloween came, and we were all so excited- and then Curly was not feeling well at school that day- came home and felt worse... fell asleep, and missed Halloween- woke up at 9 p.m. crying that he had missed it- and so I bundled up that little Captain America and we went in search for houses still giving out candy- he managed to get to 4 of them- my heart broke... the next morning Curly was covered in Chicken Pox- 2 days later Pickle came down with them and by far- it was the worst I had ever seen- the pox were so big and she was so sick- she would lie and shake and cry- it was awful... so I have spent that past 6 days bathing 2 pox ridden children twice a day in oatmeal baths, applying anti-itch cream, making soup and patting heads and amusing bored little chicken pox covered children. Curly is a champ though- he is the best patient- he didn't feel badly other than the first day but Pickle, my god was she sick- and the pox were everywhere- between her fingers and toes, even in her cacooch and she cried- "ma, I can't take it anymore!" just awful! And even when Curly had them in his mouth and then they spread inside his eye and I had to rush him into the Dr's to get special drops- he was still a champ about it- he's amazing. So it is winding down now- Curly may be well enough for school by Thursday I am thinking but Pickle- no way not until at least Monday- she is still covered but feeling much much better- and all this while Little Man never got it- he still may of course- because I would love to go through this again in 2 weeks- but so far nothing and he is so good about it- he has to get up every morning and go to school while the other 2 are still snug in their beds- I have a neighbour taking him to and from school because I obviously can't. It's been very rough- exhausting- and of course i have had no help- what else is new huh? So it's been tough...

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 36 years old.. the past few days I have felt like 66- maybe this is the year for me- last year at this time CC was still away fucking his girlfriend and partying it up while I was here alone... I don't know what I want anymore- but i know it isn't him and of course that has been my feeling for quite some time now- maybe this year of my life I will finally have the balls to do something about it...

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

2007-10-16T21:43:00.000-05:00

So... yes, it has been a while hasn't it ? Sorry- Life has become unexpectedly busy- this is supposed to be my quiet time- the kids are in school all day every day and yet I am finding it harder to get things done around the house -I just have so much to do all the time running here and there doing this and that- I guess I have 5 years of errands to make up for I don't know, it's strange. Mondays- the boys having skating lessons, Tuesday is Pickle's ballet, and Thursday they are all in swimming class. I find though, that we have been hibernating over the weekends- literally- if there is not a plan set - we rent movies and video games and just stay in all weekend- I must say though, I like it- as much as they drive me nuts- I love having them home on the weekends. It's the least lonely part of my week.

SO let's get started then...

I will begin with an explanation of the title of this post- Last week- Tuesday, I quit smoking. I didn't even really build up to it- didn't prepare for it, didn't cut down first or anything. Just decided (after having a lingering nagging gross cough for 2 weeks prior mind you ) that it was time and considering I had the free patches sitting on my dining room tab;e for the past 5 months and they were due to expire that it was time- Just fricken do it you know. So I did- I put the patch on Monday night actually before bed- people had told me that they got wicked nightmares from wearing it at night- so I was prepared- but that didn't happen- Monday night I could not sleep at all. I was wired! So, at 4 a.m. I decided to take the patch off and reapply when I got up. So I woke up, and even though I usually have a smoke before I do anything else, I didn't feel like one- so I quickly put another patch on and went about my morning had my coffee, did everything else like I normally do- except for smoking. I did catch myself going for the door every now and again out of pure habit of course- But I did well- I think I had a drag literally once throughout the day more so I think because I felt lost without it almost- but that was about it- and then again I took it off at night. So the next could of nights- I fell asleep downstairs on the couch so I didn't end up taking the patch off at all and let me tell you what- no nightmares, but the weirdest freakiest dreams I have ever had- I won't even get into it- but it was all so twisted and bizarre that it felt like, well, it felt like I was high having those fucken up stoner dreams- very cool- and the casts of characters in them- my god- people I hadn't thought about in years- people I would never talk to if you paid me- just weirdness- but I like it- Oh yes, I do and so I shall continue patching at night.. I like it- I like it a- lot!! So there ya go, I am a week into it and doing fine- I do have a drag here or there every now and again- but other than that I am doing very well! It is much easier than I thought it would be but then again I am not what you would call a non-smoker yet- so I better save that comment for when I am... so far so good. And for those of you wondering- no, I do not feel any better, my taste buds are no more ramped then they were and I can't smell any better yet- I don't think anyway- but my cough is gone and that is good enough for me right now...

I am worried about Pickle. During her kindergarten years Pickle was the queen of kindergarten- everyone loved her, they would call from their little gated area when they saw us walking down the street= the girls would fight over who sat next to her- And then there was Hunter- Hunter and Pickle were 2 peas in a pod- 2 little princesses - just adored each other- they were inseparable. Hunter moved away over the summer- far away- and even though Pickle is not shy- and is still as bubbly as ever- Pickle has yet to bond with any of the girls in her class- there are only 4 girls- yes 4 of them in the whole class and the other 3 were all in the same class last year so Pickle is kinda the outsider but even still she has no trouble making friends and getting in there you know- but for some reason she hasn't. I asked her if they were being mean to her or anything and she says no- but she always just plays with her brothers and her "husband" who is not in their class at recess and at lunch- she never plays with any girls. I worry- I don't want her to be alone- or feel left out and I don't know if she actually is feeling that way ( I seriously doubt it) but is it normal for her to be just playing with boys? She is such a girly girl yo know- it surprises me- and I am scared for her- maybe I am being over protective and worried about nothing... I hope so-

CC has been working a lot- I mean a lot- he doesn't usually get home until 9 or 10 at night. Most of the time I don't care- really- but I must admit- I am terribly lonely- and I miss Shell.....

I don't know if it has anything to do with not smoking- but I have been over the to emotional for the past week- like I think I have cried every day this week- maybe it is my body grieving for cigarettes (ha!) maybe its the loneliness, maybe it is the worry I feel for Pickle and the other 2 on a daily basis - ( I worry constantly- always, about everything- what if what if what if... ) I don;t know what the hell it is- am I depressed? I don;t know- I just know that anything and every thing has made me cry this week- oh... see.. I am getting veclempt just writing about it... ok enough of that ....

Anyway I know there is a million other things I wanted to write about tonight but I am terribly tired, so I will sign off for now and try to get back here tomorrow to finish the update _ I must tell you all about some of the misadventures we have had at school- already... sigh.. Speaking of- their first school trip is this Friday- to a farm to pick a pumpkin, have a wagon ride etc- and of course I am going !! Damn right- no one is taking my babies on a bus to a farm where I cannot spy on them! Nope, still haven't cut the cord!! And you can't make me!! HA!

THE WELCOME MAT

2007-09-25T21:18:00.000-05:00

So this is not intended to be a pity party or a poor me post- just my way of venting even though I should be venting to the very person I am pissed at..

So I have become, or shall I say, I remain, the family doormat- walk all over me please! And make sure and wipe your feet real good too whilst you step on me- just to rub it all in a bit more. I am being and have been and suppose forever will be, taken advantage of by certain members of my family. Other than my sister, no one ever calls me for any reason at all- even birthdays- unless they need something whether it be legal advice (5 years ago BB -before babies-, I was a legal secretary and everyone still seems to think that not only do I keep up with all the changing laws and procedures, but that in fact I am an actual lawyer) or babysitting- which is what my beef is about today. Oh just call Jenna- she doesn't have anything to do all day- she'll babysit- and like a schmuk- I say yes- every fucken time even when I don't want to. BB I used to babysit my niece up to 3 times a week. At the time I was desperate for a baby- and loved nothing more than being with her- but once mine came along- needless to say I had no time or any more hands to babysit other people's kids, yet the requests still came and still come.. Like I don't have enough on my plate!!! How selfish are some people! When my babies were little- and even now I might add- I never got any help from anyone- ever! I didn't get any relatives coming over to help out or to give me a break - not once did they ever call and ask me if I needed a hand with laundry or cooking or god forbid watching a baby for me - I had 3 !!! Anyway I don't want to bring up old shit because that is long past- and they all deserted me when I needed them most and I can say with head held high that I did it alone and I did it well- but any way here again I get a call from one of my relatives asking me to babysit tomorrow-not one, not 2 but 3 of them- so now I will have 6 kids under the age of 7 tomorrow!! Oh but wait- it gets better: Niece #3 who is 1 year old will be here at 8:40- at 8:45 I have to bring my kids to school- so off I go with all 4 of them. At 10:50 I have to take Niece #3 to pick up Niece #2. At 11:40 I take Niece # 2 & 3 to pick up my 3 for lunch- at 12:40 I take Niece # 2 & 3 to bring my kids back to school. At 3:05 I take Niece 2 & 3 to pick up Niece #1 and at 3:35 I take Niece 1, 2 & 3 to pick up my 3 from school.....WTF!!!!!! So there you go- what a fucken idiot I am - no one will do it for me but I am expected to do for everyone else- it sucks so badly- my family are a bunch of selfish people... and one day- oh yes one day very soon- they will be sorry in one way or another- it'll all come back on them ! Ok I know I sound like a little 10 year old right now but i don't care- you'll be sorry! you'll all be sorry you used me and treated me like shit! You'll see!! You will all see!!!! (ok picture me on the floor kicking and screaming because that is exactly what I feel like doing right now!!) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

INCREDIBLE LITTLE YOU

2007-09-23T15:54:00.000-05:00

OK I know my kids are smart- and I know all parents think their kids are smart- but get a load of what Little Man said to me just now... it just absolutely amazes me how their minds work- they are so amazing to me...

So for some reason Little Man asks me about who "invented" animals- he asked me that if there were no people yet- where did the first animals come from? And of course I could go into the whole God thing but do we really know that to be true? Could there not be another explanation for it that I could tell him that makes sense and that wouldn't impose on religion in any way? So I paused and instead I just said- you know what, I am not sure, maybe we should investigate and look it up and see what answers we can find... so then he says " I know ma- maybe the sky laid an egg and it fell on the ground and that was the first animal! And I said, you know what? Maybe you are right!

Now isn't it incredible- that a 5 year old little boy could have such deep thoughts about such things- he is right about animals being here first- and well, hey- if there were no people around to "invent them"- how the hell did they get here anyway! I dunno- I just think that was pretty damn clever of a little one to think such things.. my kids RULE!!!!

FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL

2007-09-09T16:45:00.001-05:00

Click to play | Make your own Smilebox

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO PICKLE

2007-09-02T19:53:00.000-05:00

So, we are on our way to the mall today to do some back to school shopping and I stupidly say to Pickle "Is that a zit on your chin?" Well she immediately looks in the mirror and starts her usual drama. A zit? A Zit! I don't want a zit! How could this happen? Will it ever go away? Does it look awful? What am I going to do? And on and on... So, not being able to take anymore, I say "Actually, you know what hun, it looks more like a little bug bite" To which Pickle replies (get ready for this): "Actually mom, it looks more like a 3rd nipple!" WTF????!!! I laughed all the way to the mall...... she fucken kills me...

I WANT TO GO BACK!!!!

2007-09-01T12:09:00.001-05:00

So a while back I was going on about FACEBOOK and how much I loved it- well, still do- People are finding me from like kindergarten it's just wild! So anyway a few friends from high school started talking about getting together for a reunion and I thought- ah, maybe I will go- but never thinking it would follow through- cause you know people make plans and other people agree to be a part of it and it never ends up happening. But anyway this time it did- about a week ago and I actually went. Now I wasn't popular in school- I wouldn't say- not one of those snobby girls or anything- I had my niche of friends and was quite happy that way- people new who I was by the way I dressed and stuff but I didn't associate with a lot of them by choice- not my cup of tea ya know.. anyway so I was hesitant abut going- didn't want to be judged by people or compared or anything- but I was pissed at CC for one and felt the need to be out amongst people you now- so I went. And let me tell you I am so glad I did- I had the best time. I didn't drink a lick of anything- (I think I was the only one there who wasn't drinking) and I saw so many people I hadn't seen in years- it was great- It really took me back- I loved school- yeah I hated the teachers and the homework and getting up every morning to go- but I really loved being at school around friends - that was my only escape from all the bullshit at home when I was younger- school was my out you know- like my way to forget about home and my mother and all the fucken crap- even when we lived in a trailer (oh yes did that for a long time) and I would have to leave at 5 a.m. just to get to school- I went every fucken day so I didn't have to be there. I wish I had an out like that again- ya think they would let me back in high school? I really miss it and I really miss alot of people from that time and hopefully now that we have all reconnected, we can get together and spend some time catching up.. it was awesome...

THE OTHER WEDDING

2007-09-01T11:53:00.000-05:00

So, before the meth-head, trailer trash, brutal wedding, there was another wedding I have yet to tell you about. My daughter was married August 12, 2007- Oh yes, my little Pickle has wed. Her "boyfriend" Who has been in their class every year and who lives up the street and whom all my children just adore and vice versa called and decided that enough was enough- he and Pickle must marry! So what else could I do? I sent my only girl off to wed. I made a wedding video but can't seem to upload it here with this new video feature (sucks) I'll continue trying but in the meantime, I will put some pictures here for you to see- it was just precious- of course it only last about 45 seconds because the novelty wore off, but it was cute as hell!!

REWIND>>>>>

2007-09-01T10:59:00.001-05:00

Ok so I know I have yet to blog about the wedding and well, anything else that has happened in the last 2 weeks so here it goes...

Bottom line, I got a dress, which I didn't get to try on because they were locking the doors so I took a chance and bought it anyway and got one like 2 sizes too big and even though it was kinda cute, the way the dress is cut- and the size of my enormous jugs, I think I looked pregnant, like it was like a maternity dress or something... anyway at that point I didn't care. So off we went, got to the hotel and changed and shit and listened to the MIL go on about this and that as usual. The ceremony was short and odd, I thought, but whatever- then we quickly went back to the hotel and MIL had a costume change (like what are you?A celebrity? You have to wear a different outfit at the reception? How vain!) anyway then before the reception started we went to CC's aunt and uncles (the parents of the bride) Now these people have some serious cash man- they have like 15 horses, stables, acres and acres of land- the whole bit- just gorgeous. I think though, they are the type of people who have money but have no money you know? Anyway it was nice, and I interacted with all of his relatives and stuff, but the talk was all about how much this costs and that was this much and OHHH I HATE that- I think it is rude anyway to talk about such things- but they just do it I guess to show off- So we took some family pictures and stuff, ate some whorederves and was even served by a handsome strapping young man at the "bar" so then off we go to the reception and I was slightly confused when I walked in - It looked like a school gym- honestly, down to the basketball outlines on the floor- I was shocked- I expected to enter a palace for christ sakes with the way they went on.. Anyway whatever- so we get seated with some other cousins- seemed cool at first - and I tried to have a good attitude and go with the flow- so I started drinking.. I got about 4 into me which is a lot for me (out of plastic beer cups to boot don't ya know- tacky!) and then they announce that dinner will be served soon and that the bar will be closed during dinner- that's cool I can handle that- but then they say- After dinner, the bar will reopen as a CASH BAR!!! Ok I know it is expensive for booze at a wedding- I know mine was but first of all if you are going to have a cash bar- then you have to warn people ahead of time- there was a scattering of people flooding out onto the streets looking for bank machines- ridiculous... Secondly- if you are going to brag about how much money this was and how you special ordered this from this country and flaunt your horses and mansion for everyone too see- you don't then have a cash bar at your daughter's wedding- Sorry- you just don't - brutal!! So they put wine on the tables-( which I do not drink) and we all waited for dinner- and waited and waited- by the time dinner was over- it had been 3 hours since the bar was closed and I was beyond drinking at that point. CC on the other had was not- along with the beers before dinner and the rye and gingers, he and another guy at our table polished off 3 full bottles of wine during dinner and then I found out he also went out and smoked a joint with one of his trailer trash cousins- (note: remember earlier I had said I thought they were cool "AT FIRST") So anyway I went out at one point and smoked one too- ok when I say smoked by the way, I don't mean I smoked a whole joint- I had a drag, and for me, that does it- I had a drag and I am good to go. As the evening progressed, things got worse, CC was hammered and talkative- annoyingly talkative- but it wasn't with me so I guess it shouldn't matter but he gets like annoying- where you can tell the person he is talking to is trying to be polite and listen but they really don't want to be there anymore and he just keeps talking- ugg I hate that- so he's off talking to relatives, trapping people and I am sure repeating himself a million times which he also always does. At this point, I have been "trapped" by one of his aunt's at least a dozen times when I had gone out for a smoke- at first I didn't mind- she was and is the black sheep of the family- a drug addict, always the one in trouble, not a tooth in her head looser etc etc- so apparently this is the first family function she had been invited to in years because no one wants anything to do with her- she had been clean for a while- and maybe that is why she was invited this time, but man alive- she sure wasn't clean that night- At first I could tell she had a lot to drink- whatever- get it in ya - but then as the night wore on I could see it was much more than that- typical Meth-head characteristics for sure- what a fucken freak. She was literally making me gag just to look at her- and she found me wherever I was- smoking, the bathroom, anywhere! And she was just like CC in that she repeated herself constantly and would not let me leave! I was so uncomfortable, and she was making me sick and every time someone came out for a smoke whether I knew them or not I looked at them with those eyes- you know the "CAN YOU HELP ME PLEASE" eyes- and no one did- especially not CC- he is the worst "date" ever- I know he hadn't seen some of these people in years and years and he was drunk- but never thought to see where I was or what I was doing or if I was ok or anything- but that is CC what do you expect- so anyway meth head kept touching me and hugging me and holding onto me and I couldn't talk- no no- she wouldn't let me finish a sentence- if I excused myself to go the bathroom she followed and waited outside my stall- she cried on me and started telling me stuff I don't want to know about- I don't care- and I just felt dirty, I wanted to go and take a shower every time I finally got away from her- And she would say things like " I love hugging you because I love the smell of your hair" Or asking me to lift up my dress a bit so she could look at my legs and shit like that- just dirty druggie nasty comments, I hated it-. So soon it became apparent that CC was hammered beyond anything else... it was just after midnight and he started asking me if we could leave- well thank god... I went and got his dad and got him to drive us back to the hotel- So on our way to the car- his 2 cousins, the ones who we sat with, trapped us in the parking lot and it was just vile. They were both pissed drunk and started hugging CC and taking his wallet and phone and just like all over him and I was like hello people COUSINS- you nastys! It just bothers me when people get like that- like simma down na- you are fucken related and you are like groping him and shit- and then of course CC was loving it- anything for attention from women cousins or not I guess- so we finally get out of there and get back to the hotel and we (or at least I ) was starving so I ordered a pizza- CC passed out within seconds of course and I ended up staying up for 2 more hours waiting for the fucken pizza to come and then they fucked up my order and forgot half of it and I had to wait up another hour for the rest of it so i didn't get to sleep until after 3 a.m. I was tuckered. The next morning we went back to the aunt's house for "brunch" which was nice actually and we stayed for a few hours. Oh, did I mention that at the wedding his uncle hit on me? Oh yes, talk about awkward- his married 50 some odd year old uncle asked me to dance, he is like well over 6 foot tall and I am well, not and so anyway we were dancing and small talking and then we go back to the table wherein he has his hand on my thigh and telling me how beautiful I am and how we really really need to spend more time together and get to know each other more.... ewwwwwwwwww..... and again.. no one saved me... so the moral of this story is- just when you think your family is bad- take an intimate look at someone elses' !! It was ok thought- more or less, I just enjoyed being out you know- but I hope no one else in his family is getting married anytime soon.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

2007-09-01T10:46:00.000-05:00

Is it just me or does anyone else have the same attitudes about going back to school? It's kinda like new years all over again. I remember when I was in school I was like ok this year I am going to keep my notebooks neat and not write all over my binders and do all my homework and do really well-it was like a chance to start over- like people get at New Years you know- So here I am almost 20 years since I have been out of school and I feel like it is "New Years" again- I am making all these plans - quit smoking (no, still haven't done that) loose weight, (nope, that never happened either) exercise (what the hell is exercise again?) SO HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! Time for some major changes. . . . .

Question/Secret/Sadness

2007-08-25T16:53:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been in a situation wherein you have been a part of some one's life for more than half of yours- and look at them one day and think- holy fuck- I don't even know you?! I find myself in this "predicament" and it is awful unsettling. Like I look at this person and think- who the fuck are you? I know nothing about you- everything I thought I knew about you is a lie or is something that I made myself believe to combat the reality of a given situation.. it's fucken wild, and sad, and stupid... all at once...

Insomniacs ramblings....

2007-08-15T01:44:00.000-05:00

It's almost 3.m.- another night that I can't sleep. This is getting out of control. I am actually crying right now - like seriously. Yo know why I can't sleep tonight? Well, on Saturday, I am going to a wedding out of town, CC's cousin. And the other day the kids went for a play day at their friend's and I spent 3 hours in a store trying on dresses - trying to find one that didn't make me look fat or short or fat, and I finally thought I found one and then tonight I tried it on again, with heels, and it turns out it looks awful on me and I don't know what possessed me to buy it in the first place because I am not like that- I will not buy any thing just for the sake of it- not unless I really like it- but here I am - 3 days until the wedding, nothing to where and no opportunity to go out and try again. And the fact is that I hate dresses- I fucken hate them and the only ting I hate more than shopping for dresses is shopping for bathing suits and so anyone who knows me knows that I must hate it an awful lot. And so while I was trying to sleep, all I kept thinking about is how I was going to manage taking the 3 little ones with me to the mall tomorrow to find a dress without them running and hiding in racks or chasing each other up and down isles. And I already know that tomorrow night we have to go to find a suit for CC because he tried his on tonight and they don't fit- HA! At least I am not the only one, but still- we will all go, and I will pick them out for him and keep the kids occupied whilst he tries them on and then he will be good to go and I will be shafted as usual. And then I was thinking about the fact that I will be so incredibly tired tomorrow that I will be mean to them and it's not their fault, and the summer is almost over and I have not done anything with them - nothing meaningful, nothing that they can go to school in September and say Oh we did this over the summer- or whatever- worry worry worry.. that's all I seem to do now and it is literally taking over- I am always worried about something. I spent about 2 hours on the net tonight trying to define my body type and figure out the best style of dress to wear, the right color, the right shoes accessories etc- and why? Why the hell do I care about these people who I have met maybe twice in my life and that most I cannot stand anyway - why the hell do I care what they think of me and how I am dressed... that is so like the MIL.... sickening...

It's Almost Over

2007-08-12T22:42:00.000-05:00

So the summer is so quickly coming to an end and I am not ready!!! Everyone keeps telling me "oh how nice it will be when the kids are back to school all day every day" well I don't think it will be so nice. I am not looking forward to it at all- not one bit- if I had it my way I would never have sent them to Jr Kindergarten 2 years ago and waited an extra year to put them in school- they are to young to go all day- they aren't ready- ok, ok I am not ready- and yes the time I will have will be nice- but that novelty will wear off very quickly I am sure- and then what will I be? What will I do? I am so scared for them- what if they have a mean teacher? What if there are mean kids in the class- what if they are hungry? No more snack time - they have to go out for recess in the big yard and their school goes up to grade 8!!! I am worried sick and scared to death for them and for myself... I am a mother- that is what I do- what will I do without them all day?? I will not cut the cord- I will not cut the cord- AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

2007-08-12T22:39:00.000-05:00

Ok, I know I am delayed in this review.. but I never get to watch movies and god forbid CC should take me to a movie or that we have anyone to watch the kids while we go anyway- BUT ANYWAY I finally saw Little Miss Sunshine last night (after staying up til 3 a.m. to watch it) and I would just like to say that I fucken loved this movie- and I am officially putting it on my favourite movies of all time list- what a great movie- just great- if you haven't seen it yet- do so...

That is all....

SECRET

2007-08-12T22:37:00.000-05:00

I let my kids stay up as late as they want so I am not alone. Even though CC is not away, and my kids are with me all the time, I feel incredibly lonely all the time....

THE WORLD ACCORDING TO PICKLE

2007-07-31T22:44:00.000-05:00

Classic example of how "gay" (am I the only person left in the world that uses that term?- not that there is anything wrong with it... ha) my daughter is....

I don't remember exactly what the conversation was but I was doing something CC should have been doing (ohh surprise surprise) and Pickle says to me

"Why doesn't Daddy do it?"

So I say:

"Because daddy works all day and he is tired when he gets home" (yeah yeah isn't he a fucken hero- oops did I say that out loud? !)

and then Pickle says ... wait for the gayness now....

"ohh that's right, he has to work to make money for our family (cue patriotic music now) and for our country."

HA! For our country? WTF??!!! I just about choked....

NEW "SEGMENT"

2007-07-31T22:32:00.001-05:00

OK, got something else I can most definitely post about often and it will never be the same... seeing as though my children are so damn funny- oh yes they are- and well, OK annoying too- and seeing as though they "say the darnedest things" I have decided to add a new segment entitled : THE WORLD ACCORDING TO..... and I will fill in the appropriate name obviously - I'll just give brief little stories about cute shit they have said or whatever and yeah OK- I know it is much like what I do normally anyway- but I have decided to give it it's own segment- so sue me.... stay tuned...

NOT GONNA DO IT

2007-07-31T22:27:00.000-05:00

I will not send you a happy birthday message... I will not send you a happy birthday message.. I will not send you a happy birthday message.... even though I have done every single year no matter if we were in contact or not- for the last 21 years.. this year I will not send you a happy birthday message and I will not feel bad about it... I will not. There is only a half hour left in this day- Jenna you have made it this far- 30 minutes ... 29.........

MOVING ON WITH LIFE

2007-07-22T23:11:00.000-05:00

Ok so I know you all want to know more about JGG and how he is, I have talked about it so much the past few days I almost don't want to anymore but I will give a brief update:

He is still in intensive care but doing much much better today- S went to see him finally and she and I both are glad that she did. He is starting to come around - not talking all that shit like how he should have done it this way or why didn't it work or things like that- he seems, I am told a bit embarrassed and ashamed and has stated he just wants to feel happy again and is willing to do what it takes to get that feeling back again. He is being transferred to the psych ward tomorrow- and is not happy about it- but let's hope something clicks with him and he starts to see the sunshine again...

So... before the storm hit, I was telling you all about the camp out at S's we had (well the kids really) so I wanted to post some pics from that night... it's sad you know, but because this has all hit S and her family so hard, it has taken over their lives and will do so for quite some time. I feel for the kids- all of them because their summer now is going to be known as "the summer when..." instead of having all those fun memories to look back on.. we had such plans for the rest of the summer- not big- just outings and things here and there-0 but those little things are the very things that memories are made of.. I just hope EVERYONE can move on with this and not let all of this consume them.. as we all know- life is too short for that shit...

GRATEFUL

2007-07-22T22:52:00.000-05:00

After everything that has been going on the past few days with my friend (more of which I will get into later) I thought I should take a moment and share what I am grateful for- right now, today...
I am grateful for my babies- and all the joy that they bring to me every day.
I am grateful that even though we are still going through some tough financial times, we have managed to stay afloat and are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel (even though we had a set back with CC's car- it ended up costing $3,200- pretty much double the amount we were initially told)
I am grateful for my friends- especially S for being such an inspiration to me.
I am grateful that I am not stupid enough to fall for the tricks that people can pull on you- you know when someone pretends to like you or be interested in things you have to say when all the while there is an ulterior motive and when that motive is not realized, you are tossed aside like a piece of trash. I am grateful that my true, real friends offer advice and support when I need it instead of running away from it or pretending that they don't know I am in pain or in need of a hug or a phone call or just a friendly word. I am grateful that my true friends would never do things like that to me -
I am grateful that I am not as naive as I used to be.
I am grateful that I was able to get past the things that haunted me as a child- I am grateful I no longer hold the anger within me that I used to towards my parents. I am grateful that I can be a better person than what they set me up to be- and even though everything was stacked against me in every way possible- I got over that wall and moved on and can be proud of who I am today and never had to do anything stupid or illegal or hurt anyone to get where I am.
So there ya go.. that is all I have right now.. It's been a long day..

SUICIDE CHUMP

2007-07-20T23:38:00.000-05:00

Ok my title today is brutal and maybe even mean but what I have to tell you is no joke and I am very angry right now- sad too yes, and scared-but mostly angry.. On Wednesday night, the 3 little pigs and I went to S's for a "campout" we (well the kids, not us) had a tent up in the back yard, and roasted marshmallows, made smores, hotdogs, the works. S and I even had a couple of drinks togather which we never do- it was a great night. Her daughter slept in the tent with 2 of the 3 little pigs, Curly chickend out without chickening out you know- excuse after excuse, anyway he slept in the house. So, the next morning, we all get up, have a lovely pancake breakfast and the kids had a swim, just took it easy.. I decided to get the kids home relatively early, though the kids wanted to stay, I just felt the need to leave- we were all tired... anyway the kids and I left- probably about noon or close to it- and just hung around at home the rest of the day.. at about 4 or so , S text messaged me about a show she had been watching and for some reason I didn't immediately reply which I normally would have. Instead I waited until about 5:30- 6:00 and then wrote something funny back to her. Literally seconds later she phoned me and I could hear it in her voice- something was terribly wrong..

Here's a little "legend" of names so you can follow the story a bit closer as it goes along...

S- is my very best friend in the whole world- we have known eachother for over 22 years
JGG- Aka Jolly green giant-(he's like 6 foot 2)- my friend who I briefly dated as a teenager- we all hung around together - and have known him as long as I have known S
Party Girl- is S's younger sister- who also hung around all of us throughout the years she ended up marrying JGG and they have been together for about 15 years

So... the story is as follows- now of course I have only gathered all of this information over tens of phone calls and text messages over the past day or so- the evnts I am describing happend Thursday...

We leave S's house, about an hour later, JGG brings over his youngest son for S to babysit while he goes to work- normal occurance- she usually has one or the other or both of Party Girl and JGG's kids while they are off to work. Jgg tells S he has to go to work early for a meeting as he got in trouble for something- and S doesn't think anything of it and goes on with her day. The other son is brought to S & Party Girls' mother & fathers - also a normal occurance. Before any of this trnaspires, Jgg goes to the dr's and gets a prescription for an antidepressant- something he has started taking recently- he has been trying to stop smoking weed and hash and found it very stressful ( I don't get that) but anyway - whatever gets you through- so we know that- we know he went and got a refill on his prescription... after dropping off the kids- we now know that this is what transpired-to the best of everyone's knowledge. Jgg leaves S's house and goes to the liquor and beer store... he goes home, downs a bottle of vodka and 8 beers..he takes a bottle of asprin and the bottle of anti-depressants... he calls into work sick- and the person who took the call thought he wasn't making sense and sounded drunk- he apparently was making comments like "I'm checking out" and things of that nature. The person who took the call hangs up with JGG and calls 911. Jgg tries to make it into his bedroom where he has garbages bags, bungy cords and an art project his oldest son made him. He never makes it there- he passes out, hits the floor face first. Broke his nose, and though it is still uncertain at this point, his hip is most likely broken as well. An undetermined amount of time after he took everything, the police arrive and are unable to get an answer at the door. They try to bust the door down and can't because something is blocking it. The end up breaking out a window, and finding him face down in a pool of blood. They don't know if he had shot himself or what- but have vitals so they get an ambulance there and he is rushed to the hospital. They find a suicide note and the computer is on with pages up about how to kill yourself. All the windows and doors are baracaded with wood and other things to ensure no one would get in or at least have a hard time of it.. Party girl is called as she is on her way home to tell her to go to the hospital. She was about to go and pick up the 2 boys and GO HOME- she calls S of course and tells her all she knows which at that point was nothing- she didn't know if he was dead or alive.. I can't even imagine. S and I kept in contact all night long-he was alive.. and had a breathing tube in- he could not for some unknown reason breath on his own.. it finally came out early this morning. The suicide note did not give any clues as to why other than generalities such as "torment" he had been suffering for 20 years- he started out his note by apologizing for them having to find him like that so he intentionally wanted his wife and 2 small children to find him dead- BULLSHIT. Now, I know JGG had a fucked up childhood- we all did- I had about as fucked up one as you can have and other than regualr teenage blues, never considered shit like that nor did I let my shitty childhood and the things that happend to me stay with me for my whole life.. I fucken moved on ok- so this fucken guy- (I say that like I dont know him from Jack- but I am so mad..) does this shit when he knows his wife and kids are coming home and will find him. Your fucken babies.. I dont understand, I don't understand.. if you wanted to do something like this- go to a hotel room, go somewhere else, not in your home, not where your babies sleep... he is apparently, in a lot of pain right now, still groggy and in and out. It took a long time for him to come to- they still don't know the extent of his injuries because he is too unstable to take him to xray. Party Girl says he mainly just lies there and says nothing, and that it seems pretty apparent that he is disappointed that he was "saved". He only remembers drinking and drinking and blocking the doors off and nothing after. He is not apologetic, and seems terribly sad.. I want to feel bad for him, and I suppose I do in a way but I am so mad- so fucken mad that he would do something this extreme instead of reaching out- running away even, talking- anything! No one had any indication at all that he was capable of this sort of thing - I would never have guessed in a million years- never never never- not him- he was never down or sad he was always the one making us laugh and fooling around.. I dont get it - I don't understand. I can say without doubt he is obviously mnetally ill in whatever way- you have to be to pull shit like that- no question- and we do know there is a family history of this-his father who was a fucked up individual would pull this sort of thing every few years and they would get a call and go rushing off - but his were always (or at least they seemed to be) very half-hearted attempts- but this was so caluculated- and but for that person from his work being smart enough to call 911 - he would without a doubt be dead whether he got that bag on his head or not... and I just don't understand- what is so bad? What cannot be fixed? Party Girl and her mom went back to the house sometime in the middle fo the night. She said the "history" on the computer showed as far back as 5 weeks of him going onto websites about suicide and different methods. I was with him not 3 weeks ago and we had a great time - you would never have known he was thinking about anything remotely close to that- never never never. Poor Party Girl she is so fucked up she doesn't know what to do- what happens when he is released? She will be afraid to leave him alone ever and what is she going to be thinking everytime she walks through that door? He will not be left alone with the kids ever- like what the fuck?? I have this horrible feeling this isn't the end of this- I can feel in my heart that he will find a way and he will do it-we have to get him help and figure out what the fuck is going on in his mind and try to help him.. this is just crazy.. so there you have it... fucken bullshit stupidity... my heart aches... I just don't understand...

I MAY AS WELL RENT A ROOM THERE...

2007-07-16T21:39:00.000-05:00

So what Sunday would not be complete without a trip to the local hospital- that seems to be a constant with me lately- this time I am happy to say, it was not serious.. So Saturday little Pickle was feeling sniffly and ended up, as she always does when she is not feeling well, have a nappy noodle. So she slept and slept until about 10 at night and then awoke, still stuffy, but hungry and of course wide awake. Now because I am a night owl, I was up with her until at least 3 a.m. I got her dinner, gave her a dose of Advil or Tylenol or something like that and went to bed... at 10 the next morning, I get a tap on my shoulder, and no it wasn't the ghost, but little Pickle. She said nothing and when I turned around I saw her face and jumped right out of bed. Even CC jumped up- her eye was swollen, and I mean swollen right shut- What happened? I asked her- she didn't know- she had not a clue but it didn't hurt and it didn't itch... bizarre. So I got up and got dressed, and dressed her- and off we went to the walk-in clinic.. Of course there was the regular drama- "But that was my best eye"! "Am I going to die?" "Will I have to get my eye cut off?" "What if it never goes away" "I look awful!" and on and on... When we saw the Dr. he looked overly concerned. I thought for sure he would tell me it was a bug bite (although we hadn't even left the house on Saturday) or something was in her eye- or it was allergies or from her cold or something.. but he kept humming and hawing.. looking and looking again.. So then he tells me he thinks it would be a good idea if we went to the hospital. So I am like What?? What do you mean? So basically, because there was no evidence of a bite- he suspected that it was something more serious called " periorbital cellulitis" or something like that that can really fuck you up- something about it sending signals to the brain or that it blocks signals to the brain or something- really weird.. so anyway it is quite serious apparently and he sent us to the hospital for further evaluation..So we go to the hospital and now Pickle is getting even more dramatic.. she tries to convince me- now get this- that the reason that her eye is puffy is because she was trying so hard to sniff up her boogies that they went to her eye!! The night before she was incredibly frustrated because she couldn't breathe through her nose- she tried to sniff I mean she tried so heard her eyes were bulging out and I convinced her sniffing wouldn't help and that she had to blow instead- so she thought that when she could finally sniff, she sniffed all the boogies into her eye making it puffy! Hilarious!?? Yes! But, pretty smart too I think.. I mean I know it couldn't happen- but her thought process is just incredible... anyway the Dr. finally sees her and determines no, it is not that freaky eye thing and that regardless of what it is, it should be gone in 24 hours... No antibiotics, no nothing.. and we go home.. and sure enough today it is about 90% better with very little evidence of the swelling at all- Her best eye is saved!!! I'll post a pick her of her eye - this is after the swelling went down enough that she could see out of it- and she was very happy as you can see.. ohhh.. my life is so interesting isn't it?? Geeezzz.....

THE GHOST AND MRS. CHICKEN

2007-07-10T16:36:00.000-05:00

So, did I tell you that I have a ghost in my house? Oh yes, I think I do- and can I tell you that if there is one more incident that I will not be one of those stupid white people that stays to find out who or what the fuck it is? Oh no, not me... So here's the situation.. a few years ago, my friend died- the Christmas after her death some weird shit started happening- like every time I walked into a room this particular Christmas ornament would go off and start playing a tune. Ok so some could say I walked too close to it or whatever- NOT- it was only me- only when I walked into a room did this happen. Thereafter, when all my Christmas stuff was packed away in the basement before it was finished, the same ornament would go off every time I went down there to do laundry... ok weird.. but I put it off to just that- weirdness.... So over the past couple of months a stupid toy Becca has, has been doing the same thing- only me- if anyone else is down here it doesn't do it- but when I am alone down here- especially late at night- it goes off every time- it's pretty freaky shit.. So about 3 nights ago was the kicker for me that something is amiss. So I am lying in bed- and kinda awake and asleep- you know how you can sleep but still be aware of everything that is going on?Anyway minutes before "the incident", Curly came into my room and said he couldn't sleep so I led him back to bed and lied back down and closed my eyes... I started to drift, but again was aware of everything around me- waiting for Curly to come back in I guess. So anyway I am lying there trying to sleep and I feel someone or something (dun dun daaaaa) hold onto my arm... so I roll over and expect to see Curly standing there- but no- there is no one.. so I was like WTF.. but figured I was drifting into a deep sleep and just ignored it... so I roll back over and like 2 seconds later the same thing- someone is holding onto my arm- and my hair on my arm- only one arm- starts sticking up and I get goose bumps- ONLY ON MY ONE ARM!!!! Do you hear me people ??!!! There is a fucken ghost or some shit like that in my house and it likes my ARM!!!! I could puke- so of course I couldn't go back to sleep and I had the heebie jeebies - it was just awful... So there you have it- if one more thing happens, I am moving into the Howard Johnson's- fuck this shit....

FUN IN THE SUN

2007-07-06T10:14:00.001-05:00

So... I have actually had a pretty good week- other than Monday, when CC's car's transmission fell out when he was in bumfuck Idaho golfing and it cost over $200 to get it towed back here and now we need to pay out to fix it... But other than that I have had a really nice 5 days- Sunday went to S's for Canada Day and we had a great time- then Tuesday we all went with my sis and her fam to Ontario Place for the day and it was amazing- it was so dead- we actually though it was closed at first. No line ups for anything- which with 3, 5 year olds is a blessing because you know how impatient they can be.. so yeah it was a really great day and everyone had a blast. The yesterday I went up to S's again to meet up with one of our friends that we used to hang around with 20 years ago- we hadn't seen him in years and years and he was infamous for taking pictures constantly so he brought tons of pics and we sat there all afternoon looking at old pics and laughing and reminiscing.. it was nice. So now today- I clean- and clean some more- and then Sunday I have to go to the MIL's cause it's her birthday- sigh... anyway so far the summer has been not too shabby- the key is keeping them busy busy busy... let's hope we don't have a repeat of last year or I will surely go nuts....

THE GRADUATE(s) 2007

2007-07-02T12:44:00.001-05:00

THE GRADUATE(s)

2007-07-02T11:49:00.000-05:00

A couple of days after Curly's surgery- it was graduation day. The triplets graduated from Kindergarten and it was the cutest thing ever.. I'm going to try to upload the movie I made about that day...

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD

2007-07-02T11:13:00.000-05:00

Ok sorry all.. been lacking in my blogging once again and I see my last entry was before Curly's surgery and I have much to catch up on.. sorry to leave you all hanging..

Let's start with the surgery.. It was by far the hardest day for me as a mother, other than leaving all the babies at the hospital when they were born, not being able to take them home right away.. Anyway- we had to wake the poor soul up early- very early and be at the hospital at the crack of dawn. We waited in the Pead unit first and then about an hour later we were sent to wait in the surgery waiting area.. I could see Curly was a bit nervous, but I think mostly tired. He was so small looking, in his little hospital gown and all, and my stomach ached the whole time we sat there. So soon, it was his turn to go in. I couldn't go through the doors with him or wait til they put him under- they took him in a little wagon and as they walked away Curly turned back to look at me and I could see he was on the verge of tears.. I was beside myself. The surgeon told us not to go to the regular waiting area because the procedure would only be about 15 minutes so just to wait there and he would come right back out.. So fine, we sat and sat and sat some more.. I must of looked at that clock about every 30 seconds. At one point, I saw people coming in and out of the operating room he was in and I knew something was up, I felt it in my heart. We kept justifying how long it was taking by saying, oh maybe they didn't get started right away or maybe he wouldn't fall asleep- but I knew something else was up.. I started pacing, and I am sure annoying everyone there, and finally, after about an hour and 10 minutes out comes the surgeon and instead of coming up to us and talking, he motions for us to come into this office- my heart sank. So he starts out by telling us that he is ok "now" and then proceeds to tell us that they had complications and that after they did the procedure and started to sew him up, that the beeding wouldn't stop. They first tried to remove all the stitches and then try again and still it wouldn't stop. He was very concerned. He said of all the literally hundreds upon hundreds of procedures he has done like this, he has never ever seen anyone bleed so much and for so long. He said that it was about 5 minutes away from being extremely serious and that we had better get someone to check him out because he suspects he has some kind of blood disorder and that no one should beeld that much from what they did. I was horrified- my poor baby! So they then took him to recovery- and I had to go wait in another area for them to call me into the room. After about 10 mintes they did and the nurse was leading me down the hall and I could hear him crying. I stated runnning and the nurse is calling after me and I just ignored her and was running in and out of rooms trying to find the right one.. And there he was my poor little lamb- just beside himself and crying and shaking and scared and in a tremendous amount of pain. I ran to the bed and told him I was here and he just grabbed me around the neck and wouldn't let go and he was telling me "make it stop ma, make it stop" They told me that they had just given him morphine and it hadn't kicked in yet plus waking up from anesthesia is like brutal for kids so he was out of it too and confused and cold and the whole bit. So we lifted him off the bed and I sat in a rocker and we put warm blankets on him and he cried and hung on tight.. It was the worst thing ever- I felt so bad for him yet could do nothing. It was awful. So this went on for about an hour. And then I guess once the medicine really kicked in he settled a bit and we were able to bring him up to the Pead's unit for the rest of the recovery time. The doctor had since told us we would have to stay longer so they could watch him more in case he started bleeding again. So they put me in a wheelchair and he sat on me and they wheeled us up. Once we got into the room CC was allowed in and he was actually really good with him- it's weird to see him so compassionate and loving and that with them because it is so rare I guess- anyway we made him comfortable and put a movie on and got him juice and then the nurse told us besides the usual waiting time, we wouldn't be allowed to leave with him until he peed. I knew this was going to be an issue. They left the IV in as well to pump up his fluids and he didn't know that it was a needle or there would have been tears I tell you. Anyway after a while CC convinced him to try to pee- so off we go to the washroom, the first couple of time we carried him and pushed the IV cart but after that he walked. The poor baby- he was so afraid to go pee.. he knew it was going to hurt but even the nurse said it was better to get him to go now while the drugs were still in his system because the pain may not be as bad. So he tried, and he cried, and there was blood- but not a lot- it was just torture for me- there was nothing I could do to help him.. not a thing... Anyway after about 7 or 8 times to the washroom he finally peed a little and it hurt oh yes, it hurt the poor baby but he did it and soon after we were allowed to go home. when we got home I had to go right away and get him some pain killers and special cream so CC and his dad stayed home and I went with the MIL. Uggggg she drives me nuts.. Anyway, get back and have to pick up the other 2 from school- the whole class had made Curly get better cards and Little Man says to Curly "You are famous! look at all the mail you got!" The reunion was quite endearing- and of course the drama just spilled out of Pickle... " is he going to be ok? Is he bleeding? Does it hurt? Will he die?" and on and on... So we set him up in his room- videos and video games and he seemed quite comfortable for the most part- but when it was time to pee- that was another story.. it was awful, grueling.. terribly sad because it hurt him so much and he knew it was going to - and he would hold it as long as he could- but eventually he would have to and it was just heart breaking. CC when he was home would go in with him and was really good about it- one night I hear Curly saying to CC: "Dad, I wish you could change penis' with me. " Just heart breaking.. Anyway we had some scary moments after we got home like the fact that his pee was coming out harder and thicker yes, but like a sprinkler- seriously- for a week I would go into the washroom with him and put a toilet paper roll over it so it wouldn't spray all over the walls or him every time he peed. So it was a tough couple of weeks- I am happy to report that as of right now today- it looks so much better and he is peeing, for the most part straight with not much spray- I think that once the rest of the stitches dissolve, that will solve that problem. He is quite happy though that for the first time in his life he can "pee like a racehorse".

I NEED A VACATION....

2007-06-19T23:57:00.000-05:00

So here it is the night before Curly's surgery- ok well, morning of.. its abut 1:00 a.m. by now and guess who's still awake?? Well, there's me- and Curly wouldn't ya know- he picks tonight of all nights to pull one of his night owl nights. Anyway the long and short of this week is CC was off since like Tuesday of last week because of the labourer's strike- they had to shut down because of unsanitary conditions or some shit like that so anyway I figured- you're off work- well then - you will fucken work here boy- none of this holding the couch down all week shit so, we re-did my bedroom - new floors, (which kicked our asses) paint, curtains, the works- and it has taken a good 5 days no make that more like 7- between getting everything out and getting rid of clothes and painting BLACK trim, and the floors which was a killer and everything- anyway it is done and it looks good.. in the meanwhile however- the rest of the house went to hell and now I suffer for it because the MIL is coming tomorrow at 6 a.m. to look after the other 2 and get them ready for school etc while we are at the hospital. So today I guess everything caught up with me and I wasn't feeling good at all- and so CC leaves work early to come home and "help" me tidy up for the inspector tomorrow- and even though he did change some switch plates and help me carry the dressers back in- the rest of the day he did fucken nothing- put his feet up and just fucken sat there whilst I did everything else- got everyone dinner, cleaned- ALL day (and still cleaning) did about 6 loads of laundry- got every one's stuff ready for tomorrow because the MIL is helpless; went out and rented some of Curly's favourite movies for when he gets home from hospital- cleaned some more- and then some more- bathed the children- got them into bed- and still, everyone else in this house just sat there and watched me do it- so at 10:30 when I started freaking out on CC- he asks me- what do you want me to do???? LOOK AROUND ASSHOLE!! So I end up telling him to go in and try and get Curly to sleep because he was still up- about 3 seconds later CC is sleeping and I thought Curly was too- but no- an hour later he comes down asking me to get CC out of his bed. So I wake up the lazy fucker- send him to bed and tell Curly to go lie in my bed- which he does- I figured for sure he would go to sleep- nope- he just came down a minute ago and asked me what I was up to... so I sent him crying (yes I am mean) back to his own room- you blew it buddy... so I thought I would take a break and write for a second. I have got at least another hour of cleaning to do - and then maybe I will be able to sleep too. I am incredibly nervous about tomorrow- I know he will be fine- but I am so scared for him. I don't want him to be in any pain... my poor little man....

2007-06-12T00:19:00.000-05:00

How did you find me?
I have been hiding under this rock for so long
hoping
waiting
fading.
How did you know to look for me here?
I have not walked the regular paths-
I’ve veered in so many directions
I’ve traveled so far.
I was lost.
I was in need
of touch
and kindness.
How did you know?
How did you know just what to say?
To bring the smile back on my face that had been vacant.
How did you know to kiss me that way?
To touch me-
to hold me so tightly I could feel your chest beating onto mine?
How did you know I needed that?
Who sent you?
Who told you?
Who cares…

IT'S OFFICIAL- MY FRONT DOOR SMELLS LIKE FOOT

2007-06-11T18:49:00.001-05:00

Ok, it's been a few hours since the paint has dried and now if you stand at the front door it still smells of foot.. Nice- welcome to my home- please enjoy the odor of foot whilst you wait for me to answer the door.... shame...

ARE FIRST IMPRESSIONS REALLY THAT IMPORTANT???

2007-06-11T16:49:00.000-05:00

Ok so today, my little chickens had their first pizza-day at school so I had the whole day to myself- and I had plans- big plans... So first on my list was to paint my front door. We changed the hardware on the door months ago and you could see the outline of the old handle and shit- so anyway, years ago, I had mistakenly bought exterior paint - so I thought well, I will just use that right..... so first of all, I had to stir it for like an hour to get it mixed up after all its been 7 years... yes, 7 year old paint.. So I get started and realize quickly that the paint smells- I mean it reeks- and not just like that paint smell- an odd smell- a disturbing smell- like the smell of dirty feet.. oh yes that is what I got to smell all morning- dirty feet- great...So I go about my business.. painting- with a paint brush- bad idea- should have used a roller.. but anyway here I am painting so I have the front door open.. but my back is facing out- I am wearing hoochie mama shorts- you know like old short shorts so I don't ruin yet more clothing when painting.. and I am going to town painting...totally oblivious to everything around me.. Just then, as I am bent over- with hoochie mama shorts on, I hear "HELLO THERE!" I screamed, dropped the paintbrush and swung around too see a man standing at my fence staring at me. So I say, while still in shock "Jesus boy- you scared the shit out of me" and right after it left my mouth I shrank to about 2 inches tall... The hello was from my new neighbour (my old neighbours just moved out Friday) who I had not yet met.. and- now here's the kicker.. he is, um.. shall we say, a person of color and I said "JESUS BOY!" So just so we have this straight- I use the word boy as some would use dude I say it all the time.. but not usually to people of color or while wearing hoochie mama shorts or while talking to my new neighbours.. I apologized right away- he laughed and we introduced ourselves.. but fuck was I ever embarrassed..So I can just tell- MY NEW NEIGHBOURS JUST LOVE ME!!! HA!!

So anyway- being a looser like I am.. instead of just letting the children have their lunch at school and going about my day- I showed up at lunch to make sure they were all happy and eating- I KNOW- looser- cut the cord already! But they've never eaten at school before- I was worried.. I got in trouble by the teacher and quickly was sent home... and no.. I didn't not wear my hoochie mama shorts to school...

BRINGING CHRISTMAS BACK BABY!!!

2007-06-07T22:30:00.000-05:00

Ok did I tell you all that a few weeks ago I put up my gazebo on the deck there, just like every year and this year (well ok, just like every year too) I put Christmas lights up in it like on the "ceiling" of it. Ohh and it looks so lovely.. and it reminds me of Christmas! So there ya go.. the clock is gone, but the lights are back!!! And fuck anyone who has something to say about it... even if it does look tacky... so there!

CARNIVALS AND CAROUSELS

2007-06-07T21:50:00.001-05:00

So tonight the in-laws came over with the intention to take the kids to the park etc and get them out of my hair for a while- and of course CC had more important things to do like GOLF- so I had a couple of hours to myself but sadly had nothing to do! Always the way huh? So anyway I ended up going over to this video game store and bought the boys a couple of new video games which are really for them- not for me.. no.. certainly not for me! So afterwards I went over to this shoe store and even though I HATE Shoe shopping which has got to be some kind of genetic abnormality, I got myself a new pair of shoes. Just like summer slip on runners you know- nothing fancy- So it just so happens while I am at said shoe store I look up and see before me a CARNIVAL!!! Yee ha! I love carnivals- I don't know what it is about them- I am not big on rides- like scary rides ( I used to be but that vanished very quickly the older I got) its just the whole feel of it- the atmosphere. Now, I know what you are thinking- and no- I did not ever nor will I ever wish to be a carnie- no no.. not me- but I just love being around the noise and the smell of popcorn and candy apples and the nice nice rides like the Ferris wheel and such- I don't like the games or anything- but anyway unimportant.. so there I sat- in the parking lot and just stared at the carnival and drank my Timmies coffee and smiled.. I remember when I was like 12 or 13 when my dad first came back into the picture, he took me to a carnival at Morningside Mall and he won me a Duran Duran mirror and even though I hated Duran Duran and still do, I pretended that I loved them because he had won it for me- I still have it too- that was a fun night... shame.. Anyway- that was the extent of my evening and now I am trapped in video game hell with my boys and it is almost 11 and I must get them off so they can go to bed... Good night to all.. I will be dreaming of the carnival and cotton candy and carousels....

FORGOT TO TELL YOU

2007-06-06T22:02:00.001-05:00

So we went to the urologist (side note * the night before we went- I could hear Curly telling the other two that "when he went to the penis Dr....." so I interrupt him and told him that he wasn't exactly a penis Dr., he was called a UROLOGIST. So later on when again he was discussing the matter with the other two I hear him say "Ah, guys, tomorrow when I go to the ARCHAEOLOGIST, I won't have to go to school..." Archaeologist! Hilarious!)
Anyway off Curly and I go- and pretty much immediately he knew what the problem was. Basically, his little pee pee hole is virtually non-existent. It is so small and narrow the Dr. was amazed he was able to pee at all. So then he tells me this cannot be fixed with creams or medicines- surgery is the only way this can be remedied. So my heart sunk and I tried not to cry (this whole time of course my crotch is killing me as he was describing the procedure.) So yeah, he has to have surgery so they can pretty much cut him a new pee pee hole- my poor little man. So they wanted to know if I wanted to wait or get it done ASAP so of course I want it done immediately so then they tell me JUNE 20!! So it's like 2 weeks away- I don't know if I can be mentally prepared by then... ohhh my poor little lamb. He will be sore of course and will need stitches but it really isn't that big of a deal but of course surgery is surgery and he will be under so that is scary in itself.. I have told him that after this is all done he will be able to pee normally and he will feel so much better.. he seems fine with it but of course, he doesn't know any better... my heart aches..

BUSY BUSY DAY

2007-06-06T21:01:00.000-05:00

So.. this morning I was off to the school because Pickle got an award at the assembly today- she had no idea she was getting one and it was cute as hell too see the look on her face when she got it - she was all jumping up and down and holding her "star". Of course, the boys were upset "how come she got one and we didn't?". It's hard for them sometimes to understand because I try to make sure everything is equal with them but that really isn't how life is- so I guess I have to stop that. Anyway after the long long assembly- got home, went and got my Timmies- (ohhh I needed that) and then sat for a minute before it was time to go back and get them for lunch. Got them home- made lunch- and then had to go back to the school because it was Scientist in the School day and I was volunteered to be a scientist. So there I am all afternoon being a scientist with all the little kiddies- it wasn't that bad though actually but for the little shits in their class getting on my nerves- there is like 2 of them that just irk me- anyway right after we rush home because I get the call that both Pickle and Little Man's glasses are ready so we scoot over there to pick them up and I will tell you what- Little Man looks fucken cute!! Anyway he has a semi fit because he doesn't like any of the cases they have there and then of course Curly is so upset because now both of them have glasses and he doesn't. So the Dr. pulls me aside and tells me they can sell me a pair with just glass in them so he can think he has real glasses too- SOLD... so there are the 3 of them looking at themselves in the mirror comparing- admiring- it was just precious.. so now I have all 3 of them in "glasses" and now we are off to the mall to find Little Man a new case so he doesn't have a fit for the rest of the night- boot around the mall- find one- race back home to get Pickle's dance outfit because now I realize how late it is. Drop the boy's off with CC race to ballet- we are late- get her changed- off she goes.. she's done- get home, every one's whining they are hungry- start making salad, potatoes, and get the BBQ going - make steak and burgers (yuk and yuk) everyone eats- I eat salad and potatoes.. sigh- and now I finally get a minute to myself although all I really want to do is go up and have a nice long bath.... I'm tired....

LETTERS NEVER SENT 2

2007-06-03T15:18:00.000-05:00

Dear ___________;

Hi you! I bet you never expected to hear from me again. Or maybe you did. Maybe all of this time you have been waiting for me to contact you or to call or write- and maybe you've wanted to also- so many times- but you were afraid of how I would react so you didn't. Or maybe, you haven't thought twice about it- maybe it never even crossed your mind. Maybe the things that you used to say reminded you of me don't anymore- maybe when you look up and see the moon you don't wonder if I am looking at it too- or maybe when you hear a Prince song- it is just another song to you- maybe it doesn't make you think of me anymore. As much as I have grown up in the past few years and realized you and I were not meant to be as much as we both thought we were or hoped we were- I still think about you a lot. I think about the fun we used to have. I could really sit and talk with you- for hours, about anything - and I never ran out of things to say. I still catch myself thinking Oh my God I have to call ______ and tell him about that. But I don't- and you don't either- and maybe it is better this way- but I do miss you terribly- and I wish things didn't go the way they did- I wish you didn't have to turn away- because there is so many things I have to tell you and I am sure a million more we should have laughed about. But that's ok- I have my box full of memories- and I guess I can always visit you through them- I hope you are well- and I hope that sometimes.. just every once in a while you think of me... just a little...

WORRY WORY AND MORE WORRY /SECRET

2007-06-03T14:51:00.001-05:00

So tomorrow I take Curly to the urologist to find out what the deal is with him. He is still having problems and I am so scared he's going to need some invasive procedure. I have had nightmares about it for a week now. He's only 5 and I am afraid I am going to get some crusty old man Dr. who has lost every ounce of his compassion and is just mean and bitter and will want to do something to him that will cause him pain.. I know it sounds silly- and everyone knows I would never allow it- but I just don't want him to be traumatized or fear Dr.'s or anything- all it takes is one bad apple.... I speak from experience... Anyway I will update you on that.

On another note, Little Man does in fact need glasses.I kind of figured as much- he has really been squinting lately- but I tell you what- he looks absolutely adorable with glasses- not geeky adorable- just goddamn freaking adorable.. we should get them next week sometime.. wait til you see.. just wait til you see him... just precious... of course Curly is heartbroken because he doesn't need them... I was exactly the same way when I was a kid- I prayed I would I prayed and prayed.. but nope.. not until I was 12 or so I got them and even though I was having a bit of trouble.. I think I exaggerated during my vision test to make sure I got glasses... isn't that awful??? I still have those glasses and have never had another pair since- nor have I needed them... silly little girl...

PRETTY AS A PICTURE

2007-06-03T14:43:00.000-05:00

Ok so I took Pickle to get her photos done in her costume- I'll post them when we get them back- but here are the ones I took- she's too much- such a poser! I love it!!

UP AND DOWN THE MERRY GO ROUND

2007-06-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

So the last couple of days have been just lovely. I mean really. I don't know what it was exactly- but all of us- all 5 of us spent yesterday and the day before all together- just hanging out. The weather has been hot hot hot so we were outside 90% of the day- and yesterday I took Pickle for her dance photos and CC took the 2 boys to the golf range and then afterwards we had a big barbecue and hung out in the back yard all evening and it was nice. On Friday night CC and I even sat out and played Yahtzee together for like 2 hours-- It was just a really nice couple of days... just refreshing...

TAG YOU'RE IT!

2007-05-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

Ok I was tagged again- I really have a tough time writing facts or odd things about myself- I don't know why but I can never think of anything- so bare with me this is probably going to be boring....

The Rules:*Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.*Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.*Players should tag eight other people and notify them that they have been tagged.

1. I am very much a homebody. Even as a kid I was like that- I would get "sick" every time I had a sleepover and have to go home. I would rather be home than anywhere else in the world. It's weird because especially when I was a kid- things were so bad- and we lived in the worst places- people's basements, trailers- seedy hotels- and I would still rather be there than any where else- alone mind you- but still "home".

2. I am lazy. I mean I really am. I try to justify it but telling myself that I deserve a break- but I am lazy- like now for example- my house is a mess and laundry needs to be done and yet I am sitting here typing because I am too lazy to clean. I waste time and start projects just to avoid cleaning or doing something I should be doing. I suck.

3. I don't cook- I hate cooking. If not for CC's grandmother making a meal for us once a week- my kids would really not eat home cook meals. I do taco nights and spaghetti nights- but I have never like made a roast beef dinner or a sit down all- four- food -groups meal for them- I just don't have it in me- I hate it so much.

4. I put too much energy into stupid things- this kinda goes along with my laziness point above. Like things that don't really matter or that won't be appreciated or remember I will put incredible effort into- and go all out- but yet- maybe it's just to avoid doing other things...

5. I have always wanted to play guitar or piano- I bought a keyboard once and hundreds of music books and put the stickers on the keys and everything- but I just can't do it- I mean I am so unco-ordinated it's almost silly- but I really wish I could play- I would love to be able to sit a a piano and play something- my dad tried to teach me once when I went down to Florida to visit- I know how to play part of a prince song because of him... now that I think about it- that is one of the very few memories I have of him and I - and I was probably 15 or 16 at the time....anyway- not a rock star...

6. I hate having people over at my house. family- I can deal with. But I am not a House party person- I hate hosting anything or being responsible for making sure people are comfortable when they are here because the whole time I am not comfortable. I mean it really irks me and I don't know why- I hate it- I am the worst- I forget to offer drinks or food or anything- I am just awful- I think maybe I am just territorial or something- but I just don't like people here- just stay away- stay away- if you knock we will pretend we are not home!! HA!

7. I have a very intense phobia about spiders and webs- I mean like the fear paralyzes me to the point (some of this may sound familiar to some of you) that I won't go outside at night because of it. I am terrified when I walk out y front door in the morning that I will walk through a web- I usually walk out the door swinging something in front of me in case there is a web there because if it touches me I will surely die- and have the heebie jeebies all day about it and look like a nut-case twitching and itching all day...

8. I have never shaved the top part of my legs- the thigh I mean- I do have hair there- but it is blond and sparse- I don't know if it is because I am lazy- but I think more so because I just don't see the point- if it's not thick black ugly hair coming in- why would you do that do yourself? Us women have enough to do don't ya think?Why would you go through all of that? Am I wrong? Is this normal? See, I don't even know if I am wacko or if there are others "like me" out there.....

Ok that is all I have in me for now... I am going to tag Moe, Debbie and I will have to check to see who hasn't already been tagged by Patty to see who else.. stayed tuned...

CC's THEME SONG

2007-05-30T09:25:00.000-05:00

Ok loving this song.. it should be his theme song...

Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
While looking through your old box of notesI found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the endI really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

YAWN....

2007-05-30T09:01:00.000-05:00

Ok so I am not sure where to start. Not that anything remarkable has happened- but i hate that I let my blog go without updating it and then I have got so many thoughts I don't know which one to start with. Ok I will just start typing and see what comes out....

So CC update- I am sure you are all curious... Things are weird- I am starting to get that feeling of loathing him back again. The honeymoon of his "recovery" and his slip and his second "recovery" are all but over. The only difference that has remained is that with the children. And I tell myself I can live with it- that if he is good to the kids and taking an active part in their lives and they are happy with him- that I can hold out- I can sacrifice my own happiness so that they can have a dad in their lives but I know that is stupid and I deserve more and in the long run it will be better for the kids - but I just don't know what to do. I have been going about my own life basically- went out (and even slept over) on the weekend to Shell's to an 80's birthday bash for her cousin and had a great time.. it was fun- we dressed up in our old 80's gear and everything... I'm making plans to get together with old school friends c/o facebook thank you very much and just not worrying about him- just going on with things and living life and enjoying my kids..

This morning I had a breakdown- I mean just out of nowhere I am sitting out having a smoke (yes, still smoking) and started crying. It's all going by too fast- it's all happening way too fast and I can't slow it down- the kids are getting older and growing up waaaay too quickly- they are going into grade one in September- it's all just happening too fast.. I hate time...

I am worried constantly. Everything is falling apart- I mean literally- we need a new washer- mine leaks out all over every time I do a load. My van is screwed up ( a known problem by GM that after a certain amount of time the manifest intake gaskets let oil leak into your engine!- and they never recalled- of course I didn't know this when I bought the van) anyway probably about 2 k to fix- all the windows in my house are fucked- my front door is fucked- my back deck looks like shit and is probably going to fall apart- the driveway needs to be paved looks like shit- it's just all piling up- and of course i worry about this shit every day- and then there's the money issue- CC's union has been striking all over the place and he is probably next- lovely... I didn't get to sign my kids up for any activities for the summer- I didn't have the money at the time- of course you have to register kids in February or March for any summer shit around here and I just didn't have it at the time so there is no baseball no soccer no nothing- my poor kids...

Worry worry worry..

NEW LIFE

2007-05-22T23:10:00.000-05:00

So on Friday me and the three little pigs went to my BFF S's house to celebrate her birthday and her daughter's. We had a good day- I always feel so refreshed when I am with her- just to sit and talk and laugh- she has the best laugh- and I know that it is always genuine you know. Anyway we had a great day and we ended up staying the night. We had a "campfire" and it was so late so we stayed over. S and E and I ended up staying up until 2 a.m. watching a DVD I put together of me and S. from years past. Most of it was from 1990- before CC - we went to "visit" my father in Florida and almost literally spend the entire week locked up in my Dad's apartment making videos- because at the time I didn't have a video camera (not like now or for the past 10 years where it has been permanently affixed to my hand). Anyway it was the greatest week ever and that video of us- 18 years old- was just the greatest thing- we seemed so much younger and so silly- but so happy- and we made each other laugh so much - We, just as we still do today- fit so perfectly together- we know what the other is thinking and laugh about the same things- anyway although it was kinda sad watching it (this was all well before S's disease started and she could walk) it put a warmth in my heart and I dreamt about it all night... Anyway I just love her so and I don't know what I would ever do without her. Anyway I saw Patty's post today and I laughed because just like her little baby birds- S had a nest of baby robins on the shed in her back yard so I will show some pics of that- all brand new and fuzzy and sweet.. we figured out the baby's were born on S's birthday- May 15th- so she has adopted them as her little babies... just precious.. new life.. cant beat that...

SECRET/SADNESS

2007-05-22T23:02:00.000-05:00

Everyone thinks I am such a good mom- I get that all the time. They call me "supermom" and "mother of the year" and "the best mother I know" etc etc. But I am not. I am so far from the best mother that it is scary- and sad. My kids don't like me most of the time. Pickle always comments when I am "nice". Like she will say (in her own dramatic way) " mmm... you're being pretty nice right now. " or " I like it when you are nice mommy." And what kills me is that I try- I really do try. And I know mothers are almost always under appreciated and their kids never know just how much their mom's do for them- from the smallest things- and I do a lot for them- things they will never know about or possibly ever appreciate- but I am not a good mother- and the saddest part is I know why I am not- and I try to put everything else aside- but I let it overwhelm me- and I take it out on them. I don't hit them or anything- but I am not a good mother and I am scared to death they are going to be like me or him for that matter- and it will be because I didn't stop it- I let things go, I said too much, I said too little, I turned the other way- I blocked things out- could have would have should have things to death- I am not a good mother- and I should be. And one day- they will hate me for it....

Ok, Ok I'm back.....

2007-05-22T17:46:00.000-05:00

Ok I know, it's been a while. I think I am going to do a series of posts rather than put all the info into one long long post- So here- as my first post is the explanation as to why I have been MIA for so long. It started with Pickle getting sick, which then was passed to Curly- then I had a couple days rest and then Little Man got it- and then to top it off, Pickle got it again and by Mother's Day I had Little Man in the hospital- so that was a two week period- and then, literally after getting home with Little Man from the hospital where he had 4 mask treatments, I came down with it- and I had it bad. I can honestly say that I have never ever been that sick before in my life- I mean it knocked me on my ass for 3 days and lasted a good week- Monday morning came and I literally could not get out of bed- I couldn't send my kids to school because I could not physically get up. It was awful- at night's I lied and cried because I felt so bad. I mean I don't often get sick (unlike my younger days) and when the kids get it- I usually don't and if I do, I can suck it up and go on with things no matter how shitty I feel- but this time- this time it got a hold of me and kept me down- it was awful- just dreadful... but I am happy to report (and I mean FUCKEN HAPPY) that I am feeling good again and hope I never have to feel that way again ever ever ever ... so there ya go- nothing dramatic really or exciting- I was just sicker than sick can be - so there ya go... ok throughout the night I will continue posting and update you all on the happenings of my ridiculous life....

FIRST GRADUATION.....MANY MORE TO COME- I HOPE

2007-05-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

PICKLE is the funniest! Can you stand it??

OK I could just smack them all- I got the proofs back from their graduation photos and they are so cute I can't stand it- Just amazing....

CURLY has trouble smiling on command!

Gotta love the thumbs up poses!

"WE SAW NATURE"

2007-05-03T17:10:00.000-05:00

Ok so on the weekend, it was nice so I took the kids to our most favourite free places to go. We call it the Chipmunk Park but its like a conservation area and there are thousands of chipmunks that will come right out and eat out of your hand. We go quite often in the summer- this was out first trip out there this year- I think the baby chipmunks were still hibernating because we didn't see too many- but we saw "nature" as the kids call it and it was a fun afternoon with them...
This is Little Man- and if you look close you can see a little Chipmunk taking a peanut from his hand...

LETTERS NEVER SENT 1

2007-04-30T08:49:00.000-05:00

Dear __________;

I saw you in a video yesterday- other than pictures, it is the first time I have seen your face, or heard your voice in years. My heart stopped the minute you came on screen and I could barely catch my breath. It seemed like it was only a few months ago that we stayed up late into the night, laughing- always laughing. And even when distance and life separated us, we were still us and we still could pick up that phone and go right back to where we left off.
It breaks my heart that you aren't here anymore. I am still confused and sad. I don't really know what happened and no one is talking- even now- 5 years later. I saw a picture of your little ones, who are not so little anymore and I wonder how they get through the day- without their mamma or their daddy. And I hate myself for not being there for them- and how everything became so busy and overwhelming. I am sure they don't even remember me. It bothers me that you never saw my kids, you never saw my babies and it bothers me that at the very moment I was watching over them- trying to get them home with me- you were dying and I never knew. Why didn't you call me? Why didn't you just once call me and tell me?! I would have come- I would have sat by you and we would have laughed and talked and you would have had someone there- Why didn't you just call me? I am angry that your family never called me either- not even when you died. I am angry because it was over a month after that I got the call- I didn't even get to go to your funeral. And as ironic as it all is- the last time I actually saw you in person was at your husband's funeral. And I thought then- how will you make it without him- he was your world... And less than a year later- you went to him- and even though I have the comfort of knowing you are together- I want you here-
I see your face all the time in crowds or while I am driving and I can't remember how many times something would happen and I would say Oh ______ would get a kick out of this- or I can't wait to tell ____ about this- I gotta call ______. Oh I miss you terrible. I wish you were still here- I am sorry I didn't know and didn't call and didn't see you more often- I am sorry your babies will grow up without you- and I am sorry I will too. You were such a big part of my life for so long. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...

NEW "SEGMENT"

2007-04-26T23:41:00.000-05:00

Ok so I don't know about you all, but I am certainly tired of talking about CC and all of his bullshit and MY RIDICULOUS LIFE. So, Along with my SECRETS and SADNESS and GRATEFUL posts, I am adding a new one.. LETTERS NEVER SENT. There have been so many times I have either written someone physically or just wrote them a letter in my mind and never sent it or bothered even to write it down and send it- so I am going to start posting them here- one rule- you are not allowed to ask me who the letters are for- I won't tell you anyway, you can just leave it to your imagination.. it'll keep ya guessing anyway .. so stay tuned. I was going to do one now, but it's almost one in the morning and I just finished cleaning the 100 gallon fish tank ( Yuk yuk) and I feel the need to shower- like now.. plus Pickle is very sick (poor little lamb) and I am sure she will be up a hundred times tonight so I better get my business done and get some sleep... talk to you all soon...