The times, they are a changin'.... DAMMIT!

T-minus 3 weeks and the house will be gone- It's sold, she found a condo out in Etobicoke, and strangers are moving into my house- her house- Dad's house.. and it is tearing my heart apart. I am so terribly sad about this I cannot even tell you. People say its just a house- but to me it isn't. It is the most stable "home" I have ever known- 20 years of my life it was the safe haven. It is where my babies went to "Nana & Papa's" . Where they had sleep overs and where we had Christmas and Thanksgiving and father's Day and Mother's Day and everything else of significance... And even though they drive me nuts- I will miss being 15 minutes away and I will miss Mamam cooking dinner for us every week and shopping with her every Monday - that I will dearly miss- Maybe I am being overly dramatic- but it feels like dad is dying all over again- in the sense that we will never see him again- now we will never see the house either- his last home- all the things he fixed and did in that house- all the time spent all the memories and laughter and firsts- I had my wedding shower there- and my baby shower.. it all happened there- I hate change so much- and yes I know it is good- but I am not ready for this change .. this sucks ass....

DOWN WITH ASSMEAT!

So here it is- 2011 already and nothing has changed- there was a glimpse- and the hope came back- but that quickly faded - back to the same place I was in years ago- but this time- without dad here to keep me somewhat sane- Assmeat is assmeat and will never be anything other than assmeat- he is a selfish immature asshole and I hate him more and more each day- And this, the year I turn 40 has to be the year I do something- it has to be the year everything changes and I can be happy again- I figure that I have been unhappy about 80% of my adult life- the only happiness deriving from my children of course- the rest just bullshit stress and dealing with him and his antics and self absorption- I do not deserve this and neither do my children- I have completely lost who I used to be in so many ways- this is the year of change- this is my year of renewal - this is MY YEAR- fuck him- fuck him fuck him....

Bittersweet Thanksgiving...

Last year at this time I had my family here at my home for Thanksgiving and he was at the Hospital spending time with dad- it was all very surreal- and still is- but I remember that day was fun- and I remember trying to do everything but think of the fact that dad was in the hospital and we were not going to be going to their house for Thanksgiving- and that we couldn't even send him a plate because at that point- eating was pretty much non-existent for him. A lot has changed in a year but yet so much has stayed the same except for one missing piece of the puzzle and that throws everything off- I mean everything- I miss him so much that it makes my stomach hurt- some days I still don't believe it or its like I almost forget and think when he call comes in from "mom & dad's" that its him on the other line instead of her.
This year I invited no one. No Thanksgiving here this time. We are going to their house today to celebrate Thanksgiving - it will be the first time in years because well, dad was sick for a couple of years before he passed and we couldn't do it- but everyone is coming. The house is up for sale now- and this will be the last Thanksgiving in that house, and it will break my heart. For that house to be gone it will take a little piece of me with it- for 20 years I "grew up" in that house. That house is the only one my kids ever knew as Nana and Papa's house- it is the closest thing to a childhood home I have ever had- and I will miss it because I see dad in every room- the paint on the walls the hardwood floors he installed the bar he built, his pool table- the pictures he hung- the fireplace ledge we would always sit on at Christmas, the deck I would find him sitting on feeding his friend chippy- and I know why she must sell it and get out of there- but selfishly I want her to keep it. I miss him and I wish he were here - I miss his laugh and how every time he did he would have to take his glasses off and wipe a tear from his eye- I miss him sitting at the head of the table- I miss he was the best male role model my kids ever have had or ever will have and I miss him getting a kick out of the funny things the kids say or do- I just miss him. I have spent the better part of the day crying- and now it is time to go there where he won't be- and be thankful - but I question that whole process- I am thankful- don't get me wrong- i am thankful for my babies and for my health and for just being a live- but I am not thankful he is not here- even if it does mean he is no longer in pain- I know that is awful- but I still wish he were here even if it meant he were still sick... I dunno - I just wish.....
so happy thanksgiving to all- hug someone you really love today and be thankful they are with you.....

SIGH.....

I had a dream about him last night. Nothing sexual- it was just a dream - it was an irrelevant dream- weird, unusual- but it felt good. Just being in his presence- even in a dream- it just felt good. I miss him so much. I miss sharing things with him- laughing with him- going places with him- I just miss him so much. It always seems this time of year when he comes back into my mind- I wish I could just call him- meet him for a coffee. Anyway I didn't want to wake up this morning- I just wanted to stay there with him in my dream....

Dear Lotto Fairy

I was just wondering if it could be my turn please. I am deserving and needing and would be oh so thankful if you could just please please let me have the jackpot this week, I promise I would help others- I would help so many people. And it would make me so happy. We could escape then- we could runaway from here and never look back and he couldn't have this control over us anymore. I could be happy and my kids could live without this bullshit- even if it is not the whole thing- just enough- just enough for us to get out.... I'd owe ya one...

Thank you for your consideration in this matter;

Yours very truly

Me

Spring-a-ling

Well, March Break is over now- and all my little chickens are sick- but we really did have a good break- spent time with my sister and Hannah and my cousin and her little guy and of course my bff. So we had a fun filled week- it was good- now this is the time of year when it really goes by fast- we will blink and it will be the end of the school year- time just goes by so fast. It's been a little over 5 months now since dad died. She is still angry- angry at the world- angry at all of those who would be, in her mind, lined up around the corner to spend time with her. problem is, I think no one really liked her that much to begin with (yes I know mean but true) and so with dad being gone- no one feels like they have to be phony anymore. She has no friends, no hobbies, she doesn't "do" anything. She shops and gets her hair done- that is it. Oh and she cleans. She has gotten rid of so much of dads stuff. - too quickly I think and is now debating about selling the house and moving. I feel bad for her of course and I know it is too soon after dads death- but she has to do something with her life- we cannot be her life- we cannot spend every single weekend with her like we have since he died- she has to find something- someone to communicate with to befriend- to do stuff with other than us...
Anyway I miss him a lot- and sometimes still cannot believe it is true.. I wish like hell it wasn't....

HATE IS SUCH A STRONG WORD... but completely appropriate here...

I hate you. I hate you for all the things you have done to me. I hate you for your lies. I hate you for your secrets. I hate you for your infidelity. I hate you for your immaturity. I hate you for your irresponsibility. I hate you for your laziness. I hate you for your inability to complete a task. I hate you for being so selfish. I hate you for never learning from mistakes. I hate you for being a shitty husband. I hate you for being a shittier father. I hate you for your drinking. I hate you for your drug abuse. I hate you for your lack of commitment. I hate you for the way you talk to people. I hate you for the way you think everyone owes you something I hate you for thinking I should have gotten over it by now. I hate you for never putting me first. I hate you for always putting yourself first. I hate you for not wanting to be with your kids. I hate you sitting in that recliner. I hate you for so many reasons I could probably sit here all night typing.... fuck- I hate your fucken guts......