WEDDING CRASHER!

Ok so before I post about my life at home with CC as of late, I wanted to share what I did this past weekend. My sister was invited to a co-worker's wedding and her man had to work, so she asked me to go in his place. Even though I don't know these people, (they know of me) I needed a night out regardless of where it was- so off I went. I did not get drunk- I had my token 3 beers and was quite happy but the best part of the night was when they brought out the chocolate fountain- oh yes, that is what I said- CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!!!! However, it was gaurded by a dreadful chocolate Nazi, who scowled and stared every time you went near it...So my sister and I were all going up and trying to look like ladies, you know taking a strawberry or two and dipping it in the fountain and sitting down and then non-chalauntly (sp?) going back up for perhaps a rice crispy square dipped in chocolate and so on and so on- so finally, at one point we noticed chocolate nazi was not at her post- I screamed to my sister "Go, Go GO!!!" and we were going to make a run for it when we came up with a brilliant idea- we'll have our own chocolate and that way we won't look like pigs (ok people let me just tell you that this was the best chocolate I ever ate in my life- milk chocolate- yum yum.. Ok I am drooling again, let me continue with the story) so anyway I encourage my sister to grab a wine glass from the table and fill it up with chocolate and then we wouldn't have to keep going up there- so she did it- I was fucken howling, I almost wet my pants laughing- and then I made her stand there while I took a picture but only it kept coming out too dark so she was filling it and filling it and I was just dying.. So anyway she comes back to the table and now I have to go get stuff to dip inour chocolate so I go up there and we were gearing for the rice crispies eh so I am trying to pick up as many as I can on the wooden sticks- you know the shishcabob sticks- well, that just wasn't working, So I end up grabbing the bowl of rice crispies and pouring it onto my plate- again laughing so hard I am almost peeing myself.. Anyway so we had our own chocolate fiesta I will tell you- it was so funny.. Then the girls that worked there I guess were coming around clearing the table and they kept asking us if we were done with the glass of chocolate but we either told them no, ignored them, or tried to act like it was someone elses'. So we put it off as long as we could, but finally had to give in and let them take our chocolate away... sigh... it was good though, damn damn good. Over all a fun night- not too bad....

THE RETURN OF CC PART 2

So, let's see where our story left off, oh yes, so CC has been going to meetings almost everyday now, if not then every other. He says he feels real good when he comes out of a meeting. He has floated around a bit, going to AA, CA & NA and has even met some guys at meetings that he made a connection with. So in that respect, things are going well. I am very proud of him for sticking to the meeting thing- but like I said, he feels good about things when he comes out of them, so shit, go every night if you want. The first real test came this past Friday when an old friend of ours and incidentally the friend who just so happened to have gotten CC started on coke all those years ago and would sit in my apartment with CC and do rails on my coffee table (unbenounced to me of course) called and asked CC to play a game of hockey like shimmy of shinny or shiney or what ever the hell they call it. So CC was all gung ho and I was worried- so worried. But let me tell you, he was home directly afterwards- called me to tell me he was off the ice, and then called me on the way home and yep, came straight home. He said the guys all went up to the bar for beers and of course there are the others who stand out in the parking lot and smoke joints (so juvenile) and he got showered, dressed and came straight home. He could have gone up with them, had a pop or something but even he said, he didn't want to put himself in the situation... So good for him. Now, the next issue- work- he hasn't gone back yet, he's got some offers, but he is scared, and rightly so, and was trying to hold out for something with a little less hours maybe or something with guys he wouldn't know or I dunno- he was just scared. Anyway now he has an opportunity to work for the school board doing all their plumbing and shit like that I guess- I don't even know. So he had to get a police check and all this shit and he is actually starting on Monday. He isn't thrilled about the job, I wouldn't be either- and the money sucks ass, but it is, if nothing else, a good transition back into reality. He works only about 6 hours a day- will be home for supper every night- not anywhere near the guys he was drinking doing drugs with, he actually will go from school to school- so anyway the money sucks, the job sucks, but its a good way for him to get back to work and still keep up with his meetings, his obligation to family and then after a while if he feels he can handle it and he has some sobriety behind him, he can get something a little more substantial- if he wants to - apparently this is a pretty hard job to get fired from- meaning it is a job for life if he wants it- but again the money sucks and we are in so much debt- but anyway his sobriety and commitment to his family far outweighs all of that- we'll just pay everything off slower, and manage with what we have. So I guess you could say things are going pretty good. Oh let me tell you this- so Valentines' Day was the other day and he's all out and about looking to get me something which I told him not to anyway. My big thing is cards- buy me a card and write something mushy in it and I am happy. Besides, he never buys me anything for anything-no birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day valentines, maybe Christmas sometimes, but other than that he doesn't get me anything ever so just the fact he wanted to and went out and made the effort was enough for me. Anyway he came back disappointed, and told me he could get what he wanted to get me but it would take 3 days. I didn't want to know in a way- I love surprises and don't get many of them I might add- but I figure I had better know to make sure he wasn't spending money we didn't have or shouldn't be spending anyway . He gladly told me and I swear it took every thing I had not to cry. He asks me "Do you know that poem Footprints?" and yes, I do I think S has it up in her house somewhere- But anyway even though it is god-ish, I actually like it- I think it is so sweet. Anyway he wanted to get me a print of that and get it in a nice frame to hang in our room. So I asked him, even though the gesture itself was sweet and so unlike him, why he would have thought of that particular poem for me. And do you know what he said? DO YOU? He said, because when he looks back at all of our years together and all we've been through, that's what he feels- he feels like I carried him through all the tough times in our lives. I got all veclempt and almost cried. I told him I didn't need it to be physically in our home, and that it was the sweetest thing ever... we're still looking for the poster of it and we'll get it framed, the way he was going to do it would have cost over $200.00- he's sweet for wanting to do it- but he has no money sense at all- anyway .. there, there is a sweet CC story to end this post... let's hope there's plenty more to come instead of all my I HATE CC posts....

THE RETURN OF CC PART ONE

Ok people, after a long sabbatical, I am back and here to share with you all how my life has been since CC came home. First and foremost- thanks for all your thoughts and best wishes for me and my 3 little pigs getting better- which we all did and still are- whew.....
OK so Wednesday the 7th, I dropped the kids back off at school and sent off on my long journey to pick up CC- the weather was bad, and at one point I thought very seriously about turning around and calling the centre to tell them to tell CC he would have to take a bus home, which was incidentally, an option we had discussed, but nevertheless, I continued on and the last hour or so wasn't too bad at all. So I get there early even, and I knew all the boys would be in a meeting from 3-4 so I sat on the leather couches in the waiting area for him to come out. I heard things wrapping up and all these guys came out staring at me, some asking who I was, some assuming who I was, all of them trying to be charming and initiating small talk with me which I was not at all interested in. To be quite honest, I was terribly excited to see him. I felt like I was in one of those scenes you see in all those love stories, where the person is getting off the plane and all of the people are coming out and the person is looking and looking past the sea of bodies coming out and they always seem to be the last one off the plane- anyway he had gone upstairs through the back way to grab his bag, and when he came down, I was surrounded by everyone there it seemed, all wanting to talk to me or wish us luck or telling me some funny little incident about CC's time there- he came through the crowd and hugged me and then turned to hug and say goodbye to a few others there and I picked up some of his stuff and we started walking out. By this time most of the guys had gathered outside the front doors for a smoke and they were all in a line on either side of the walkway- and again I felt myself feeling like I was in a movie of some sort- it was almost laughable- I felt so stupid walking down the line of guys while CC stopped and shook hands and hugged each one of them. It was weird- anyway it had since started to snow and I encouraged him to get to the van so we could get home before things got too bad. He offered to drive - I am so glad for that- I was not looking forward to it. Anyway when we first pulled out, I saw him all teary-eyed. He started to cry a bit- saying how much he would miss it, the place itself and the guys- and that he was scared. He talked a lot- and I listened, fascinated by the things coming out of his mouth- how positive, he was yet he looked and sounded so vulnerable. The weather was getting worse and worse as we drove on and we ended up stopping a few times to let the snow calm down a bit. It was actually fun- and I can't believe I am saying that- to be in a car with him for what turned out to be a 5 hour trip home. We talked and laughed and I listened to all of his stories. I told him about the things I had read and all of the things I was looking forward to. Now normally I would feel dumb about sharing things with him- because normally he would give me a look like I was an idiot or that I was cheesy- but he seemed genuinely intrigued with what I was saying and his thoughts were clear and precise and honest. It was nice. So we finally make it home. His parents had come to my house and picked the kids up from school after I had left and they seemed quite ready to leave after we got back- the kids were all excited and I could see that CC was getting a bit overwhelmed. After all, he hasn't really been around them for almost 8 months and the last month and a bit he has been in this peaceful serene place and then comes home to 3 little monkeys all wanting his attention at the same time, all wanting to tell him something at the same time. I get overwhelmed a lot of the time too and I am pretty patient. Anyway soon after I got the kids to bed and I could see his mind racing. I had picked him up a copy of NA (narcotics anonymous) and he had about 4 other books that he got while he was there including AA and these little prayer books, thoughts for the day etc etc. He was quite excited for me to read them as well so I made a deal that I would read the two books with him every day- the ones that has a message of the day or thought or prayer. So we each read the passages for the day and we talked and talked about lots of different things. I got on the internet and we started searching for a place he could go to the next day for a meeting. I didn't want a single day to go by before he went to one- not that he did- but I just initiated it - got the ball rolling. So we found a few places and the next night he went to a meeting which he ended up not caring for very much- but it was his first one away from the centre so I didn't expect him to love it or anything. The next few days was much of the same. We talked a lot and I told him a lot of things he probably didn't want to hear - about how I was still angry with him about what he did and that I didn't feel like he was remorseful for it- like it wasn't enough for him to have said he was sorry that day- and that it has never been really brought up again. I told him I felt like since the drug issue came to light he has forgotten everything else that went before/during it. He assured me that was not the case and told me that he has learnt that he cannot make promises to me because addicts don't keep promises and that all he could do was prove to me with every passing day that he would stay sober and be the man he knows he can be. He said that each day he starts out by telling himself that "today I will not drink or do drugs/ Today I will be a good husband and father". He told me there wasn't much else that he could do but take it day by day and prove I can trust him again and not drink or do drugs. I have accepted that there is nothing really physically he can do to change what happened obviously or to even make me feel better about it and true enough- if every day gets a bit better and I see he is trying even in the smallest of ways, well, I have to accept that and either go with the flow or accept that I can't and let him go. So far I am doing ok with it. And so far he has made that real easy- but this, as I call it, is still the honeymoon phase of recovery- it's all fine and dandy now, but can it last? I would like to think so, and I have been reading my Relationship Rescue book by Dr. Phil which incidentally is a fucken amazing book. Very eye opening and at this point- all about me really- what I mean is, there are certain exercises you have to do, journal writing about your relationship, yourself etc, and it has truly opened my eyes to many things. I have also been (hold onto your hats for this one) turned onto THE SECRET you may have heard of it by now- it is sweeping the nation so I have heard and I have been trying to practice the LAWS OF ATTRACTION. What I like about it is, that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with god, but a sense of spirituality that I have never really experienced before and have come to believe that I do infact need in my life. OK I will write about that another time. But bottom line is that there are a lot of things I need to fix within myself before I can commit to him again and commit to the relationship. I am learning a lot about myself and trying desperately to stay positive although admittedly I still have that sinking feeling sometimes... Waiting for the axe to fall.....

SPOKE TOOO SOON- DAMN IT ALLL!!!!!!!

Ok so my last post boosted about me and my final battle with the laundry situation.... yeah ok... I should have just conceded to the fact that my laundry woes will never be over- Last night- after tossing and turning all night long, trying desperately to sleep with my mouth open because my nose was so plugged up, I found one of my sons and my daughter in bed with me- no biggie- its a common occurrence since CC has not been around- anyway so at 4:15 this morning I hear Pickle cough- and oh yes I know that cough very well- I sat up just in time to get a lap full of vomit. Not only did I get puked on but so did Little Man and boy did we hear about it- of course he was wearing his Buzz Lightyear Pj's and well, it was the end of the world as we all knew it when Pickle puked on them. So she managed to hit me, my son, every pillow on the bed and of course all my freshly washed sheets, comforter etc etc.... so at 4:30 this morning I was left with the grizzly task of cleaning off 2 puke covered children, and redressing them for bed, and stripping down my bed, putting in a load of laundry and getting myself cleaned up too- Oh and did I mention that last night even though I said I was going to bed I decided to go and sit in a nice hot bath - so there was me all clean and smelling fine one second- and covered in puke the next......it's not bad enough that I am so so sick- but now poor little Pickle too- she has slept most of the day- literally- she has only puked one other time this afternoon, so she is pretty much a good sick person, I can't complain, but man alive- now I have to worry about the other 2 not only catching what I have but now what Pickle has too- and we have such a busy few weeks ahead- 3 birthday parties in 3 weeks to start.... oh sigh... no rest for the weary... EVER !

GIVE ME A KLEENEX AND A PILLOW AND I WILL BE JUST FINE....

So here it is, Sunday night. I am sicker than sick and have not felt this bad in years probably but today I did something, even though I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep, I got an awful lot accomplished. It may not sound like much to most of you- but adding 3, 5 year olds to the mix, its a miracle if I get anything done in a day. So I finally, and this is a Big task for me got every last bit of laundry done, down to all the towels and comforters and sheets etc. I usually have a hamper full at all times and I get to the point where I will sift through things and decide what is most needed to be washed and leave the other stuff behind. And then of course before I know it I have several hampers of stuff that was left behind you know? Anyway LAUNDRY- DONE! Then I cleared out my entire office/craft room/video game room, re-organized and put everything in its place. I spent an hour or so making valentine bags for the kids class (with the help of the three little pigs of course) and spent almost 2 hours doing homework with the kids as well- yes- SK and 2 hours of homework- it is absolutely ridiculous- I feel so sorry for them- no wonder kids drop out of school.. its so bad. I also went through my closet and got rid of an entire garbage bag of clothes- yes, I actually parted with stuff- I don't know what got into me. So even though I feel like dirt- I did something today.... and now I will curl up in a ball and get some sleep - I have to be chaffer to the MIL AGAIN tomorrow- that is my new job don't ya know-all my time when the kids are not in school for like the past 2 weeks has been driving her around to appointments etc. Oh happy day...

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

So here it is 4 days and counting until CC comes home. I am more than a little apprehensive about it all- right now I know where he is what he's doing and who he is doing it with- when he gets home I am going to wonder every time he walks out that door. Like the looser that I am I bought a couple of books I have been reading- one is Relationship Rescue by my buddy Dr. Phil and the other is called Surviving Infidelity which so far, seems a little hookey- but anyway I will read it and see if it gives me any insight into deciding whether I want this to continue, if I can get past what he has done to me or if it is time to cut the ties... I know the book thing is a long shot and in no way replaces therapy or counseling, but it is a start for me anyway . Anyway, I am sick- very very sick- so sick that everytime I swallow or cough I am sure it is going to kill me- just lovely- I am sure through no fault of my own I will most certainly pass it on to the kids and will then have 3 sick babies too... sigh... Oh oh, I forgot to tell you - check out this latest tidbit from CC- the other night he called and we're shooting the shit and he starts talking about the meeting he was just at and whatever and then tells me he thinks it would be a good idea if we all started going to church. I went silent for a while, and just said OK but then changed my mind and told him that I didn't believe in that and that going to church was not my thang and that if he wanted to go I would encourage it etc but that I was not interested. He seemed disappointed and then asked if he could bring the children with him- I told him I would have to check it out first and whatnot- but that I didn't see a problem in this if THEY wanted to do it. See this urkes me- first of all he was the one who was going on and on about not wanting to be preached at about God when he went to rehab- and that if they started he would leave because he doesn't go for that shit- and he was the one (and yes, me too) that almost didn't get married because even after we found a united church (he is catholic and I refused to get married in a catholic church) the priest or minister or whatever the hell he was made us come to church for like 3 weeks and we both loathed it and hated it so much we almost said fuck it and thought about eloping in Vegas (I know who am I kidding- I loved my wedding and all the planning that went with it- but still, it was brought up) and again both of us were the ones who didn't get the kids baptised because we wanted the kids to make their own choices about religion and not push any one of them on them- let them decide- even when his family was pulling a freak show about it and his mother was "ohhh so disappointed" neither of us has ever been religious to any degree- God and I (if that is what you want to call him) have issues- we are not friends, we do not play well together and therefore going to his house to praise his name- is not my bag baby- sorry charlie- not gonna do it- so anyway although I was surprised with his suggestion, I will not succome to going to church just because it is something he feels he needs to do- can't and won't - I will be supportive in other ways but not that way- you bible thump on your own buddy boy- so sorry . Anyway I am sure I have offended a million people by now, if I have - stop reading this then- I make no apologies for my NON religious beliefs..
Well well that was sure a rampage wasn't it? right........

So anyway the countdown is on, and before I know it I will be driving 3 1/2 hours to get home and bring him back to our happy little bubble here- I am just so scared that once I get him back here I will want him out- I don't know nice CC I don't know the CC who listens and has conversations and is willing to take part in our family, I don't know the CC who doesn't drink, or smoke pot or even do blow (not that I knew he was doing it anyway ) and I think I am scared because even if he turns out to be the way I have always wanted him to be and pretended he was to every one else, that I may not like CC that way- I may not like the new CC - what a kick in the ass that will be eh? HA! Anyway I need to go do laundry- SIGH.... talk amongst yourselves.....

MEMES- WTF? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EVEN SAY THAT- BUT ANYWAY....

OK I got tagged by echo- so here are some weird things about me- some may be repeats of my blog ages ago entitled "25 things about me "or something like that.. anyway I am feeling slightly lazy today so I may just cheat and use some of those- let's see what I can come up with: let's start with the rules :

Here are the rules: Each player starts by blogging about six weird things (or memes) about themselves. Those tagged must also blog the rules in their blog while tagging a half a dozen people of their own. It's also important to inform the tagees that they've been tagged. Tag.

#1- I have a phobia about feet- summer just urkes me- I cannot handle seeing people's feet- it drives me insane- I mean isn't that what they invented socks for? Come on na- no one needs to see them- keep 'em covered.... unless of course you are a baby- that I can handle...

#2- I loathe throwing things out. I have so much stuff in my house it's crazy- I am often asked "what do you need that for?" Most of the time I cannot answer it other than to say that I MIGHT need it one day. The thought of throwing things out just panics me for some reason - I don't keep garbage and shit like that- umm ok an example: My garage is filled with boxed and boxes of baby toys and clothes and of course 3 cribs, 3 highchairs, etc etc ... why? Well, I might need them one day. Am I planning on having more children? Um no, but still- one never knows do they? I also have boxes and boxes of old notes from highschool and projects and things I classify as "memories" such as empty smoke packs that some one may have bought for me or train tickets from the time so and so and I went to the... you know stuff like that- My name is Jenna and I am a hoarder...


#3 I can wiggle my ears- yes, yes I can......

#4 My laugh is often referred to as a cackle and I have been known to embarrass quite a few people with it. In grade school I tried out for the school play- I wanted the part of Dorothy- I ended up being the Wicked Witch of the West.....

#5. Tonight I had Stovetop stuffing for dinner- turkey flavor- it is my fav- I could eat it again and again... BTW no turkey with it- or any other fixings.... just stuffing.....

# 6 OK lastly, I would like to share a few things to prove I am strange- just like little things- but combined, I think it classifies me as weird.... I have 36 different Christmas CD's - how much is too much? I mean, how many different ways are there to sing Silent Night? In my bathroom cupboard right now, I have 11 different shampoos, and 6 different anti-frizz or straightening products, in my garage I have about 16 large totes of Christmas decorations/lights, I also have about 8 large totes of Halloween decorations. I have about 10-15 copies of every poem I ever wrote, in different fonts, on different types of paper and of course my original hand written versions. I have the same pair of underwear I wore on my wedding day almost 10 years ago- and I still wear them. I buy bras that are too small in hopes that maybe I will wake up one morning and they will be smaller and that pretty little bra will fit me.

Well there you have it- I am strange I know it- but that's ok because I am good enough, I am smart enough, and dog-goneit, people like me... ha!

OK who to tag, who to tag..... no one I know really blogs, I have limited choices here- OK I tag PATTY- although I know you are busy as hell these days with your trip coming, and MOE just do it- you don't update your blog nearly enough and DEBBIE_ get your blog going again girl come on na!

MY LIFE SHOULD BE A SITCOM

OK I have had a rough go for the past couple of months but I tell you what- other than the obvious reasons, my kids have saved my life- whenever I am feeling down or had enough or just plan shitty- one of them will say something to make me laugh or smile and forget for a moment that my life is really fucked up right now... case and point:

This morning I am getting the kids ready for school- with 3 five year olds it is just ridiculous getting snow pants, boots and hats, mitts, scarves etc on- just crazy- so I am getting frustrated with them and I kept coughing (I have been fighting a cold for the past few days) so anyway I am hacking and hacking and Pickle says to me- "Mom, you should take your FUCKLEY'S- you should take FUCKLEY'S every day until you feel better." Curly then says "Yah mom- it tastes awful- but it works" It took me a second to figure out what the hell they were talking about until I saw the bottle of BUCKLEY'S I had bought the other day sitting on the counter and realized that was what she was trying to say- and then with Curly reciting the commercial I just about pissed my pants I was laughing so hard- and then of course they all starting singing "everything's gonna be alllrightttt...." I could have died laughing- fuck my kids are funny....

TRIPLETS ON ICE

OK so finally something that I did worked out. I always have these grand ideas about shit and then when I do them it sucks or it just doesn't work out the way I want them to. But this time, I did it right- I made an ice rink on my back deck for the kids and it worked and it's great! We tried out it yesterday for the first time and the kids had a blast. Little Man is especially good at skating- it was their very first time on skates and they all liked it and all did very well- too cute..

WHERE'S A VIDEO CAMERA WHEN YOU NEED ONE?

Ok as I was typing the heading to this post it suddenly occurred to me that directly across the street my neighbour just recently installed video security cameras and there is a camera right outside his door, and one on the garage door both facing the vicinity of his driveway which is directly across from mine- keep this in mind as you read this:
So tomorrow is garbage/recycling/compost day so as the man of the house it is my duty to get it all together and put out to the curb the night before. And of course I always leave it for the last moment - right before I go to bed. So, being that as it may, I am already in jammies and so whilst I was taking stuff out to the curb, I just throw on a pair of slip on shoes and a sweatercoat even though the temperature out there right now is a balmy 2o below zero- no shit. So anyway I get all the shit from the house and put it out and then open the garage with my remote (because the keypad does not work when it is even remotely cold out) and I gather all the shit from in there running the whole time because it is fucken cold out- and then I go to click the doorbell from inside the garage which also shuts it and it starts to close but then stops and goes back up which usually means something is in the way of the sensors- so I move everything way way back and try and try and try and nothing- it won't go down. So I try the remote which will not work at all- so this goes on now for about 15 minutes and I am fucken cold and frustrated. What do I do? Do I call someone? Unlikely because this is now 11:30 at night and who the fuck wants to get a call from a chick who can't get her garage closed on the coldest night of the season? Anyway.. so I am trying to come up with options here and the only thing I could think of is if I go inside the garage and close it with the doorbell thing and do an Indiana Jones move and roll out just as the door is almost closed. So I try this- several times and yeah just not fast enough I am afraid because it gets to a certain point and then starts opening again- this in itself is enough to make me want to cry now and so I figure the only option is to let the door close as close to the floor as I can and stop it so I can squeeze out. So I do this and get out and realize- yeah no, this is not good- the garage is way to open and anyone could walk along and come and take my shit. So I'm on the outside now and I think maybe if I try the remote now it will close all the way- yeah no.. it opens again so I am now back in the garage letting it close only so far and rolling out on the cold hard ground. And again it is way to open and I press the remote and again it goes back up- so I try it this time giving myself as little possible space as I can- I mean I had to suck every orfus of my body in - but no- sadly I am not quite that thin- so I go to open it a bit more (I'm on the inside remember) and this time it closes - and I press the button and NOTHING! It will not do anything. I am on the inside of the garage and I am stuck and the door will not open and my babies are inside and I am half dressed and cold. So I try and try and try- I would say only about 10 minutes went by but it felt like an hour I swear- I could barely move my hands and my feet were so fucken cold. I decided I would press the button one more time before I started screaming for help. I did and it worked (obviously or I would not be typing this now would I?) so I got the fuck out of there and the left the fucken garage open... great - now I will not sleep because I will be afraid someone will come in and take my stuff- or maybe animals will camp out in there- shit man there are skunks out all over the place the night before garbage day- that's what I need- a family of skunks in my garage....- holy shit- what a fucken crap night......At least my neighbours will have a good laugh when they review their footage... Somehow I picture them sitting in front of a tv with popcorn howling as they watched me roll around on the floor... great.. can you say LOOSER?!

YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?

Oh My God I am so fucken pissed off right now I could just spit- well, ok seeing as though that is one of the most vulgar things you can do- I shall not- but just know that I am that mad that it actually crossed my mind. So CC just called all full of pep and vigor and was all talking up the kids and shit and telling - me who is here dealing with all of this shit and the kids alone to give the kids a snack before bed time because Little Man told him he was hungry when he was talking to him on the phone- anyway he's all "just give him a snack or something no?" and I was all - fuck you- don't even tell me what to do with the kids- you have no idea.. Now mind you, this was kind of half-hearted- kinda joking around at this point, and then he says "so check this great news out" and so it begins... He proceeds to tell me that the cocksucker (oh my isn't that an awful word) who he lived with out in Sarnia and who lied to me over and over telling me he had no idea where CC was those days he was "missing" has a job for CC here waiting for when he gets out and that it will only be 4 days at week at first but thereafter a lot of hours and its a great job and blah blah blah. Now keep in mind- this is also the same guy who fucked around on his wife/girlfriend out there and did the drugs and is about 10 or so years younger than CC and drinks like a siv and has not a care in the world much less responsibilities at home. Also know this: CC was just not 2 days ago almost in tears with me on the phone saying how scared he is to go back to work because everyone does "it" and how can he be around people like that yadda yadda yadda AND even went so far as to say that he may change professions all together and start again with something new and of course being me I was telling him if he wanted to make a career change I would support him 100% etc etc and so on and so on.... So..... after he gets through his little speech there- I say to him- "Do you really think that is a good idea?" "Isn't he the one you got into all this trouble with?" And then he says to me "I'm not doing this" all adement like. " And I said oh no - no no you are not fucken doing this to me- you just sit there in your little fucken cabin in the woods and call me up and tell me this and I am supposed to be all happy happy about it? What the hell happend to not being able to be around people that use?" And then he says "Tell me one person who doesn't" and then he says "I'm not going to talk to you about this anymore" and I said "Beg your fucken pardon? You don't sit there and tell me you are not going to talk to me about something because you don't like what you hear after I have been sitting here for weeks being all nicey nice to you so as not to upset you and letting things go just so you can deal with what you have to deal with when all the while I should be blasting your ass for what you have done to me and your family so don't you tell me you aren't going to talk to me about something" And then he says - "I think I would rather talk to you about this on Saturday- I am not doing this now" I was so pissed at that point I just said fine and hung up... What the fuck? Who the fuck are you to tell me you don't want to discuss something- I have been not discussing anything I want to because you can't deal with it right now- well guess what MO FO (mother fucker- but its seems less vulgar when you say MO FO doesn't it?) all bets are off- the only disadvantage I have is he can hang up and its not like I can call him back or anything- oh but I will say what needs to be said- oh yes, yes I will and no more little miss nice nice- fuck that shit- he fucked me over he ruined our financial lives and he made a mockary of our marriage- gloves are off you fuck... Jenna is back!!!

THINGS YOU'D NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D HEAR SOMEONE SAY...

So my little ones are here playing "spaceship" And Curly says and I quote: "According to my calculations, we are at URANUS"..... HA!

I DID NOT CAUSE IT, I CAN'T CONTROL IT AND I CAN'T CURE IT...

So, I had a nice weekend- exhausting but nice. I didn't have to go and see CC as his best friend (also a coke head and a drunk- how lovely) went up on Saturday and his parents went up Sunday so I got the weekend off so to speak. My sister and Baby Hannah came over on Saturday and we spent the day together just hanging out here- it was nice and then Sunday S and her 2 and her sister and her 2 came over as we haven't even seen each other for Christmas yet- isn't that ridiculous? My very best friend in the world and we haven't even seen each other for Christmas- unacceptable! So anyway they came, we hung out, we played, we laughed, we ate- it was nice. So on the CC front- he's been good- he's getting ancy now, it's getting boring he says and he just wants to come home to start practicing everything he has been taught and see how he fairs on the outside. He is still scared of going back to work- but unless we win the lottery which is unlikely, you gotta work my friend. So anyway we'll see- I just keep telling him I have to see what happens when he gets out. I told him that this was his one and only chance to make things work or its goodbye. I told him I still really haven't made a decision as to what I want to do - if I can be with him again- like we were- or rather like we should have been - it will be so hard for me- but anyway let's pretend I can- let's pretend I can get past these things- I told him this is make or break anyway- if he relapses that's it- not only will he loose me- but the kids too- we are a package deal I told him- and if he decides he can't live without the drugs or drinking well then he'll have to live without us- I will not have my boys growing up treating women with disrespect and I will not have my boys growing up to be drinkers or getting into the drug shit- the cycle stops here- no more and if you can't be committed to your kids and me and be committed to staying away from drugs and alcohol then you will not be a part of their lives- I will not have it- I even went so far as to tell him I would take the kids and run if I was ordered to give him visitation- my children will have no part of him unless he he changes his ways for good- not just for a couple of months or years for that matter. This is it my friend. One chance to save your life, your marriage and your relationship with your kids- the first sign of things going astray you are out on your ass and you can die for all I care-I cannot let this ruin my children- no fucken way..... OH... My .....I felt like I was talking to him again just then. I was getting all heated all over again.. ok whew... take a breath....
I just talked to him- he sounds really down- I try to be encouraging and supportive but there is still this part of my that wants to say "that's what you get" "You did this to yourself" "it's your own fault you are there so fucken deal with it". It is very difficult for me sometimes to not say things like that I want to- I want to so badly- but then I worry that me getting on him like that or saying those things will push him back to what he was doing- but then I cannot tip toe around him- I cannot worry that things I say t0 him will make him go back to it- if he's gonna do it he will do it - right? I am not going to live my life being all nicey nice just so he won't do drugs- I mean I can't right? That isn't realistic is it now? I simply have to say what I have to say when I want to say it- or do I ? Fuck, I don't even know what to do anymore. I just worry that when he gets out things will slowly slip back into the way they were- not necessarily him doing drugs- just the same old thing- same hum drum shit of him not being involved, him not taking an interest in anything- he has to finish all of his steps- he's really only on step one right so it is up to him to continue them on when he gets out- I wonder if he can- I don't know how that all works- I just don't know anymore about anything. sigh....

DAY 15

So- here we are 15 days into treatment. He seems different- if you've read my other blogs you will have an idea about what I am talking about- and if you know CC at all- you will have noted a big difference just in things he has said or talked about recently that I have written about. Anyway he seems to be doing very well- accepting he is an addict and alcoholic and that he indeed needs to be there. He is hell bent on fixing his family and being an intricate part of our lives regardless of what I decide to do. That of course is encouraging, but obviously I am not getting my hopes up- not this time. I am desperately trying to keep a handle on things here with no money coming in and having to borrow money from his family mainly just to pay the mortgage and bills, plus keeping up the facade to the kids that everything is honky dory, and everything else life throws at me on a daily basis. We (I) had a scare with Curly about 2 weeks ago wherein I had to rush him to the hospital because he was peeing blood! We are still in the works with all of that- they can't figure out why. Then of course as if I didn't need any more drama, Little Man has gotten slightly sick with a cold, but as always, with a cold comes the asthma, and at many times throughout the past few days I have been on the verge of rushing him in for his mask treatments. So, the idea of me even having a moment to consider what has happened over the past 2 months is just ridiculous as sad as that is. But like I said, he seems to be catching the play- he's very open and honest and sounds genuinely excited to talk to me each night and asks to talk to the kids everytime which never happened when he was away- I'm trying to keep things in perspective- I'm trying not to get sucked in although sometimes it seems like I am, even to myself- I don't want to live my life being on the defensive either- but it is so hard not to be when you have been burnt as many times as I have. I can have hope, and I certainly do- but I have to just keep it real- accept that I may very well have to start over alone (with my kids alone I mean) and that I tried my best but couldn't get past certain issues- that very well may be what happens- I just don't know yet- I am so confused- all the time.

ASSUMPTION

You always assumed
that I was so strong.
I was a rock.
I told you I wasn't
I told you I was breaking.
You told me I'd be fine.
You told me I'd overcome this-
and that I would be stronger from it.
I knew that wasn't so.
But I believed in your faith in me
and tried to keep going.
And when that wasn't enough to sustain me
I reached out for you-
but you walked away.
You thought I'd be fine
you thought I would pick myself up off the ground
and walk on.
But I didn't.
And you never helped me up.
You let me lay there
wallowing in despair,
drowning in my own tears
waiting for you to notice
that I wasn't with you...

SILENCE

Stay silent.
Stay squirming.
Search your mind
for the right thing to say.
You will not find it.
You cannot take away
the pain I feel
with mere words.
I thought
we were in this together.
Us against the world.
The world came knocking
and you pretended
you weren't home.
Cowering behind your ignorance.
Leaving me
to face it alone.
The world
took its toll on me.
And forever
I will remember
how your awkward silence
destroyed us both.

JUST LET IT ALL OUT

Slide into the abyss
where nothingness is the norm-
no crying
no sadness;
no anger or disappointment.
The sun will not blind you
or burn you.
The air will not choke you.
Your heart cannot break.
You may speak without hesitation
or repercussions.
You may sleep for a thousand years.
Time does not matter.
You have no obligations here-
no one to answer to,
no pressures,
no "have to's".
And when it is time to leave
you will know.
You will return
and you will function again-
refreshed, renewed, reborn.
But there will always be a place for you here-
to serve as your sanctuary.
To be the escape from your fears;
to come when your heart needs time to heal.
Come now, let yourself go.
It's alright to need this place.
Hurry, before the meltdown.
Hurry, before you slip to the other side.
We cannot reach you there-
there you are lost forever...

I HAVE LIVED THIS LIFE BEFORE

It's funny, but any one who knows me at all knows I have written poetry for years and years (not the past couple but I have a feeling that will change). Anyway, I used to write and sometimes I didn't know where it would come from. I would just write- write about things that I had no personal knowledge of- like certain things I would write people would ask if that had happened to me- but it hadn't- I just wrote about it- anyway it's strange but most of my "stuff" is like that- stuff not about me per se- just stuff I wrote that others happened to relate to I guess. So I was sitting here- as I have been all day- just going through papers and wasting time, filling time- trying not to think too much, and I came across some folders with some of my stuff I wrote years ago and man, I tell ya what- it's kinda freaky cause the stuff I am reading is how I am feeling now- and I can't imagine why I would have wrote this stuff back then- what was so horrible then to make me write such things that I can now so easily relate to? I have certain poems that I wrote about all the baby stuff and what not- those are obvious- but I don't know- it just seems like back then I shouldn't have had reason to write any of this- and now it seems like stuff I should have written in the last month or so.. maybe I was just too mellow dramatic back then I don't know- anyway here's a few.. there pretty crappy- most of them and cheesy- but so true to my life right now- it's just all weird that's all...


Time does not heal all wounds,

the years don't help them fade

you always hope you'll one day loose

the memories that remain.

But the scars, they stay forever

to remind you of what was then

to torture you

to limit you

to relive it all again.

Some days it only hurts a little

some days it hurts a lot,

so many tears

so many years

nothing makes it stop.

And sometimes you fight to stay awake

afraid to close your eyes

no more dreaming

no more dreaming

no more midnight cries.

Living in the echoes

of who you used to be

trapped behind the shadows

wanting to be free.

You wait to be forgiven

what is it that you've done?
You look for someone else to blame

but you must be the one.

You'll hold the hurt inside of you

'til you break apart

slip away

fade away

die of a broken heart....

*******************************************************

Everything happens for a reason-

that's what they always tell me.

They say that

when they want to give me something to think about-

something to reflect upon.

It's supposed to enlighten me.

It's supposed to make me grow-

make me stronger.

Well-

I want someone to blame.

I want someone to confess to this travesty-

I want someone to stand up and tell me

they did this-

that they made this happen.

And then

I want

to hurt them back...

*********************************************************

Don't Let Go

Hold me.

Help me to forget.

I don't want to remember this day.

There is too much pain here.

keep talking to me.

Help my mind to clear.

Make me laugh.

I need to forget-

or I cannot take another

breath,

I cannot take another

step

alone

again.

just keep holding me.

Don't let go.

Please.

I am still remembering-

don't let go yet....

************************************************

What if I told you

that I have never been so scared in my entire life?

What if I told you

that sometimes I can't get out of bed

and sometimes

I have to tell myself to breathe?

What if I told you

that night after night

I lay in the dark-

unable to close my eyes.

And that I was afraid to sleep-

afraid to dream?

Could you save me then?
Could you make it all go away?

What if I told you

you couldn't touch me.

And that if you did

I would break into a million pieces?
And what if I told you

that sometimes

I cry so hard

that I cannot catch my breath?

What if I told you that sometimes

I feel I cannot take anymore

and that sometimes I do not want to go on?

Could you fix me then?
Or would you walk away?

****************************************************

*Side note: I know I said these reflect how I am feeling now- but I assure all of you out there- I am in no way thinking or have thought about killing myself- I would never ever do that- I couldn't leave my babies after all now could I? So ignore those parts- but everything else is still pretty accurate oddly enough....

YESTERDAY

Yesterday
I drove alone
150 miles to visit you.
When I arrived
you were waiting outside smoking.
I got out of the van and walked to you
and you hugged me very tightly.
You asked how the drive was
which I said was fine.
But really it wasn't.
3 1/2 hours is a long time to be alone with yourself
and your thoughts
when you're not used to having five minutes alone- ever.
You asked if I could give some of the guys a ride into town.
I didn't mind.
So there we were,
me and 7 drug addicts in my mini-van
driving into town
making small talk.
What do you say?
And secretly I was wondering what they thought of me.
Why should I care?
But I did.
And I thought about how much time I had taken to get ready that morning.
And how I stopped down the road and made sure I looked just right before I pulled in to meet you.
And I don't know why.
I am not like that.
I throw my hair up in a ponytail most days and that suits me just fine.
I don't wear make up or buy the newest trendy clothing.
But yesterday I made sure I looked good.
Put on my skinny jeans- the ones I haven't been able to put on for,
well, for years.
My hair cooperated
and I even had some eyeliner and mascara on.
And I don't know why.
I'm not sure if I wanted you to notice and to say something
or if I wanted your "friends" to look at me and wonder how you could have cheated on someone that looked like me.
I don't know why I made such an effort.
But I did.
So the whole ride I was wondering what they thought-
after all they have heard all the stories I am sure.
I'm sure they all know more about it than I do.
And that bothered me.
Maybe I don't want to know it all-
I'm not sure yet.
But I was angry because these complete strangers knew more about my life than I did.
We dropped them off at a barbershop and we drove on.
Where do you want to go you asked.
How the hell did I know?
This is a town of one thousand people, one store, one gas station, one barbershop and a used clothing store.
Where the hell were we supposed to go?
We drove around a little and you talked-
a lot.
About some of the guys that were in there
and what they had done-
their horror stories-
their rock bottoms.
And I asked you
what was your rock bottom?
Or had you even gotten there?
And you said
that your rock bottom was loosing me and the kids.
And that whether I believed it or not-
you would never have cheated on me if not for the drugs and alcohol-
it made you a different person
it wasn't you
you were insane.
And I thought about it
but I didn't respond.
I just looked at you-
tried to look right into your eyes
and beyond.
So many times I had looked at you
but you would look away
never being able to make eye contact
never being able to speak without stumbling over your words.
Trying of course to come up with the best lie
or remember the last one.
But this time
you looked at me back
eyes wide open-
no hesitation
you spoke with such confidence and such valor.
You spoke.
You said there were some things you couldn't deal with yet.
that you have had to put on the "back burner"
because you feel too badly about it.
Because you cannot face it yet.
But it is there waiting and it's not going to go away until you deal with it.
One of those things you said
is what you did to me.
You are still to ashamed,
still hold so much guilt that it is physically painful to talk about
and deal with .
but that you will.
that you have to.
And then you told me that your drug problem wasn't just a problem
for the last few months like you first told me.
Or, the last year like subsequently told me.
But for years- at least 8 or 9.
8 or 9 years?
The the glimmer of hope I had inside started to be overtaken by anger.
Not only had my world fallen apart before my very eyes
but now I come to find out
that the last 9 years of my life have been an absolute lie.
That I had been oblivious to it all
ignorant and stupid for 9 years
not just one.
Things started flashing in my mind.
occasions of fights and the nights you never came home and the money going missing and everything.
It started reeling through my mind
and I thought how many lies there were.
You said
"you don't even know Jen- you have no idea how bad it was"
And you're right- I don't even know
but how did I not know?
I don't understand.
How did you get away with it for so long?
I was slightly
ok more than slightly taken aback by this-
and confused
and hurt all over again.
But at the same time,
oddly amazed by your honestly
and you forthcomingness.
We started talking about some other things
and then I took you to get your hair cut.
There are rules there you tell me.
You have to shave everyday
hair must be short
beds made.
Lots of rules.
And you sounded almost proud that you had been doing it all.
After the haircut we went to get coffee
in the town restaurant where everyone knew each other
and sat and talked about their kids
and the local hockey team.
You talked a lot
and mostly I just listened.
I'm not used to having conversations with you
It was nice and refreshing to hear you excited about things.
But of course I was distracted by the thoughts running through my mind.
Trying to grasp what you had told me.
You started talking about the future
about when you get out.
You said you wanted to start having dinner as a family -
every night sitting at the table together and eating and talking about our days
and that every Sunday we would go to your parents house or they would come to ours and we would all eat together no matter what.
I found myself having flashes of Leave it to Beaver or something and I pictured myself in an apron and high heels cooking in the kitchen-
and then I snapped out of it and stopped you
I told you that the kids and I had been doing that already- for their whole lives
and that you were never there.
That for five years the kids and I sit down everynight for dinner and talk and laugh and sometimes, hours later you would stroll in and grab a plate and sit in front of the tv and eat-
if you came home at all.
I didn't want you to think you came up with some grand idea and oh how wonderful it would be-
I told you I didn't yet want to talk about things like that.
I wasn't ready to talk about a future that I didn't even know that I wanted to have with you.
One day at a time you said
and I agreed.
Some of your rehab buddies came into the shop and you all were talking back and forth and I just watched, listened.
It was odd to see you joking with them,
saying some of the things you were saying.
It's not you.
Not the you I know.
And it is is so strange to me.
I am trying to keep focused
and not to get sucked in.
to put all my trust and faith back into you
even though are you are slowing emerging.
You are slowly subtly becoming the person I always pretended you were.
And maybe things will get better.
But I can't be sure
I have no reason to believe it will
I just have to keep telling myself to hold back
observe and absorb.
Keep the wall up
I'm not ready to let you in yet.
but it seems like a good start.
but then, it always did-
after a fight,
after you would tell me things will be different or you will change.
I fell for it every time.
I told you
that it would take a lot for me to trust in you again
that is if I can
I'm not sure I am capable of it.
I'm not sure my heart will let me.
you said you knew
you said "whatever it takes"
and we left it at that.
We picked up all your buddies
and headed back to the house.
they jumped out of the van and we sat and talked for a bit.
Visiting hours are over at 4.
When we said good bye we hugged and kissed a few times and you whispered that you loved me.
And I said it back
because I do
did
will.
And you said you missed me
and I think that is the first time
you've ever said that
or at least the first time
you ever meant it.
I don't know
its all so confusing.
I don't know what to believe or what to feel.
I left and headed home.
With 3 1/2 hours to think about it all.
I stopped while it was still light out
I realized I hadn't yet eaten - at all
and then when I got back on the road, everything looked unfamiliar
and I ended up somewhere I shouldn't have
and got scared and panicked.
It was dark and I was so nervous
but all I kept thinking was that you were going to call at 7:30
and that I wouldn't make it home by then.
There I go again-
I got back on the right track soon enough but I had gone the long way
I am so ridiculous with directions.
It's hard to believe I have had my license for 18 years and still can't find my way around.
Finally made it home -
your parents left almost immediately and you called
to make sure I was home ok.
you said you would talk to me tomorrow.
And that you loved me.
I spent the rest of the evening going over our conversations in my mind.
Trying to make sense of everything.
Thinking back to all the times I thought you were being real with me
but now knowing you couldn't have been.
I was up until about 4
couldn't sleep
afraid I guess of dreaming.
It's a sad state of affairs
to be afraid of your dreams.
But that I am.
I guess all I can do right now is live
one day at a time.
Just like you said.
and try to figure things out
day by day.
minute by minute
second by second.
I'm not sure what else I can do.
I do know, I am sick of crying.
And questioning myself.
And blaming myself for stupidity.
Today I do feel like the biggest idiot that ever lived.
But maybe I won't tomorrow.

TOMORROW

Tomorrow
I am going to see
him.
Tonight I spoke with him
and he cried.
He's afraid he said.
Afraid of coming back.
I let him talk and cry
and didn't say much.
What could I say?
I am afraid too- for so many other reasons.
He's afraid of going back to work.
Of being amongst the people
he drank with
and did drugs with.
He's afraid he can't have a life without drugs.
That's all he's ever known in one way or another.
He told me he wanted me to leave him.
That he did all of these things
so I would leave him and that way
he wouldn't be the bad guy.
Funny-
but I told him that very same thing about a million times.
I told him that's what I thought he was doing.
But of course-
he said I was wrong.
But that's what he thinks.
That's why he thinks he did what he did.
But sorry Charlie-
the story doesn't jive with me.
But for my instincts
and me accusing you of being with a girl when I really had no proof
and of course before you confessed-
you would have just come home that next morning.
And I would never have been the wiser.
I would have been mad for a few days
and not spoken to you.
Buying your story about getting to drunk with the "guys" and not wanting to drive home.
You know, that story you've told me a million times.
And slowly-
things would have gotten back to normal.
And you would have continued doing what you were doing-
all of it.
And you would have gone away for work again.
And led your life the way you have been living it.
But that is not what happened.
It was a good try though-
sounds like a manly thing to say.
Like somehow you are owning up to it.
But you haven't.
Not quite yet.
You know what I think?
I think you heard someone else's' story
in your meetings.
And it sounded like a "good fit"
and so you have now accepted it as your own.
But you know what?
I may have been stupid for a long time.
But I'm not anymore.
And that ain't gonna fly with me my friend.
Not this time...