IN THE MIDST OF MY GRIEF....

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You are only coming through in waves.. your lips move, but I can't hear what your sayin'...

I thought I would come on here and write a bit but now that I am here sitting, dreading, hoping that tomorrow will never come, I regretfully have nothing to say.. I am numb.

WHERE THE HELL IS THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT??

These past few days have just flown by. Wednesday is coming way too fast- and I am not sure I am going to make it. My track record suggests I will, and that in each and every tragedy in my life or crisis I have risen above and switched to another gear shall we say, and gotten through it. I know I will- I know that physically I will "get through it"- I just don't wanna. I mean of course, I don't want to be in the situation of getting through anything- I cannot stop any of this- I am so scared. On one hand I think everything, somehow is going to be fine. But on the other, I have thoughts of the funeral, and have already started putting pictures together of him and the kids. The other day for some reason I was compelled to do so and spent the better part of the day going through all of my cd's of pictures and copying the ones I wanted to my computer. I hate that I was doing it but something made me. I don't know what else to say- we will more Wednesday.....

I took my Christmas tree down today and hated every moment of it. I even took down the Christmas clock. Now there is nothing left of Christmas and that makes me terribly sad. I got choked up just typing that....

Wednesday is also the day that poor little Nikki is being put down. I have wrestled with this the last few days- I know deep down it is the right thing to do but I don't wanna- how can I do this?

I have decided that I no longer wish to be an adult thank you very much. As shitty as my childhood was- I think I would like to go back please.. Being an adult sucks ass...

...and I think it's gonna rain today.....

So the last week or so has been just awful- I set the date for little Nikki to get put down- January 30- as I was making the call and trying to convince myself it was the right thing to do- I cried uncontrollably to the poor secretary on the phone and then after I hung up I cried more. Someone said to me that day- everyone has to die- and I thought yes, that is true- but I am choosing her death which to me seems, I dunno harder somehow. I know she cannot tell me she is in pain or she doesn't want to go on, I dunno, I hate having to be the one to make this decision. I almost wish some mornings that I will find that she has passed away in her sleep- I am just sick about it...
On another note- things have gone from bad to worse with my FIL. As I have mentioned he has been going through months and months (literally since April 07) of testing to try and figure out what the heck is wrong with him- he is down to about 125 lbs or so which is crazy- he has withered away before our eyes. On Wednesday he got the results from the latest test he had done (CAT scan which he has had 2 others before this as well) and it is not good- they also did another scope and took a biopsy of something they found on the lung. They are 90% sure it is a tumour on the lung- to what degree or what stage we do not know. He meets with a lung surgeon on Wednesday (yes the same day Nikki gets put down) and I guess we will know more then. I think the world just fell out from underneath me then - my heart sank, my stomach hurt, my heart beat so fast I thought it was coming out of my chest. This cannot happen- this is unacceptable. I am not willing to accept this - after the initial shock and the tears and the questions and the anger- I felt this exhaustion come over me like nothing before- it hit me like a brick and I fell asleep almost instantly. It didn't last long though- I was up and down every hour or so- waking up from nightmares and convincing myself I had just dreampt it- its not real- it cannot be. I have all of these questions and I don't know what to do- and my heart hurts for my babies- they loved their papa so much- more so I think (shhh....) than CC - he has been more of a father to them and more of a husband to me- not in that way - you know helping me around the house and going everywhere with us- etc- anyway I know little Pickle cannot bare this- I know her little heart will not be able to handle this much sorrow- she has been quite distressed about the fact that papa hasn't been feeling well for so long- the kids have hardly seen him in months and it bothers her- she is so overly concerned that it's almost disturbing- like she is only 6- and she worries oh so much and yes she is dramatic- but she is just so deeply affected by everything I don't know what she will do.... I am scared for them and terribly sad.

CC is another story.. all these months I kept telling him that I had a bad feeling about his dad- that something real bad was going to come of all of this and just the other day before we knew the extent we do now, I freaked out on him and told him that he treats his parents like shit and always has and he better start being nice to his dad etc etc and I don't even know why I started saying all of that- but anyway he got all upset and started saying he has to start being nicer to everyone wah wah- anyway buddy- heard that before... I know is mean and sad but last night, after we found out he cried, and I think I have only seen him cry like 4 times in 17 years- I should have reached out and hugged him and held him and told him it would be ok- but I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I didn't want to comfort him - I felt like telling him- go- cry- you should feel bad and scared- go off and cry- I have no sympathy for you- I was just so pissed off at him. Today we went over to his parent's house and sat and talked and his mom kept crying and then I would see her cry and I would cry- and I just feel so fucken helpless I want to do something or stop it - and I cannot- I have to trust that the people with the power will fix him up the best they can and he will stay with us. He is more of a father than I have ever had- and I say this with selfishness: He cannot die because I still need him and the kids need him and life just isn't going to be the same with out him and I refuse to let him go- I am not going to let this happen- fuck that- he's not leaving me with CC and the MIL- he's the only other one who gets it- anyway I am just blabbering now- I am terribly sad and scared and I just wish I could curl up and sleep and wake up when he is all better... I hope I am strong enough for all of this-next week is going to be awful...

COLD AS YOU

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take
You take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want
Cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you
Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing, honey
But I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died
Died for you (died for you)

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counted all the scars you made
Now that I'm sitting her thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Taylor Swift

HONESTLY...

You asked me that when the time came
if I could please just be happy for you-
I promise-
I will be.
Honestly.
But I cannot promise
that I won't be
sad for myself.
I know it will hurt like hell.

WTF???

I have been known to watch Oprah now and then- lately she has annoyed me and her topics are getting mundane and repetitive- Anyhoo---- I do recall a certain episode wherein she had these English chicks on who talked about the fact that something like 70% of women are wearing the wrong bra size and I thought- well these women must be stupid then mustn't they? Well, I must join the club of stupidity because after today I realized that I too have not been wearing the right size bra- at least for the past 5 years anyway. Yeah so I go into LaSenza (is that what it is called?) today which by the way I never go in there because to find my size bra is impossible and it just makes me feel bad about myself. But anyway I went in there to check out the sales for Pickle- they have a little girl's clothing line and Pickle is finally at the size where she can fit into their smallest size. Anyway so I go and look around and end up looking at some bras and trying a couple on but knowing full well that even though they say they are a certain size they are not- they are liars! Anyway I try on my 34DD's in about 7 different styles and have the same problem with each- my boobs are just a popping out the tops of them- the sales lady who was trying desperately to get me to come out of the change room with one of them on (are you fucken nuts?) was trying to tell me that is the way they are supposed to fit and that yes my boobs are supposed to be sitting under my chin- bras are supposed to push up don't yah know- but I don't want them to!!! My neck holds my head up just fine- I do not need my boobs to hold up my head thanks so much- anyway I look at the rack one last time before giving up as usual and leaving feeling disgusted with myself- and low and behold there sat a lonely little bra with the letter E on it- could this be? Could this be the next size up from DD? I had never seen it before- not here- not anywhere actually- and though I do not go to specialty stores ( have never even heard of one around here) it was always hard enough to find the DD size but now now here before me sits a lonely 34E - and something just told me - this is the one Jen- this is it- and so I tried it on and TAADAA! It fits! my boobs are not under my chin and they are not hopping out- that is the answer- that is it! I am not a DD I AM AN E!!! It truly never occurred to me that I could be - but in fact I must be- even those bra size calculators say I should be a DD but after trying on the E I know now where my boobies belong.... so of course that was literally the only size E they had in the entire store because otherwise I would have bought every last one of them.. yee ha!! boobies- you will have a comfortable place to hang out after all!!

WANTED:

So, after much consideration, I have decided that I need a boyfriend. Yes. I think that is precisely what I need. Someone I can talk to you and laugh with and who will treat me with respect and kindness and think that I am pretty and funny and who will take me places and want to be with me all the time (but won't be and that's a good thing) and who will genuinely be interested in what I have to say and want to know everything about me. Yes- that is what I need. Now where do I go to buy one of those?

I DID NOT FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.....

... although some days I wish I had. No, not really. So, I have been getting complaints from people about the lack of posts and so I thought, even though I do not feel like rehashing the last month or so, I will give some brief rundowns to give you a little insight into what has been going on around here as of late...

so here we go...


* After the chicken pox out break- after the last poor little lamb made it back to school- and I mean right after ( They were all back to school ONE day) Pickle came down with a stomach virus so bad I almost took her to hospital- she puked for days and the pains she had in her tummy were almost too much for her to bare. And of course.. the boys followed suit a few days later- end result- 3 kids home for a full week of misery, crying pain and puking... oh happy days.....

* Once that was all over with, which brought us right into the month of December- it was time to get under way with the birthday celebrations- since their birthday is just a few days before Christmas, I have been having their party early in December just to get it done with, and out of respect for those coming- there are so many Christmas parties etc going on, I just think the earlier the better. Anyway Little Man was obsessed with having their party at home (uggg) this year with party games and the whole thing. So while the kids were off sick I sent out invitations to the kids asking to give us a quick reply as I let each child invite only 2 people and those 2 people would buy a present for them and them only. I mean after all you cannot invite a kid to a party and expect for them to buy a gift for each one right- so anyway I explained it in detail within the invitations stating that if they could not make it to let us know immediately so that the child in question could have the opportunity to invite someone else. Anyway people are stupid, rude or whatever because I only got one answer. the day before the party, and after I had already invited a whole new group of kids cause no one had replied, plus all the backups we had (relatives to fill in the gaps you know cousins etc) don't cha know everyone started replying out of no where and next thing you know I have 14 kids at the party which meant going out the day before to buy a whole new batch of stuff for loot bags and ordering a bigger cake, accommodating for more people for all the games planned etc. I have to say in the long run, it went over quite well, the kids seemed to all enjoy and it wasn't as bad as I thought but of course it was stressful as hell preparing it all and hosting- but anyway its done. My baby's are 6 now and I could just cry thinking about it.

* So then there was Christmas. Now keep in mind I had very very little time to prepare for Christmas this year because I had the kids home for about a month and a week give or take and then the birthday party so I had about 2 weeks to prepare and shop for Christmas.. can you say POWER SHOP???? The kids got more than enough as usual, had my sister and brother over- went to my mother's (ugggg) and survived the 2 week Christmas vacation INCLUDING CC. So there you go. Not too shabby. It was actually ok, it really was.. there are some things that have happened or that have come to light which I will write about later- but over all a good Christmas holidays.

* My FIL is very sick and no one knows why. He has been sick since like April and it just keeps getting worse and worse. He now officially weighs less than I do which is absolutely frightening. He has taken every test imaginable and they cannot figure out what is wrong. It breaks my heart and scares me to death all at the same time....

* Speaking of fathers- mine decided not to be with us at Christmas this year and instead went to my uncles. I have not spoken to him in months and frankly I don't know what to think about it all. He never ever calls me- he had sent a few emails to me at the beginning of the year about stupid trivial shit- but other than that nothing. I am not chasing him- not anymore. when he first came back I tried my best to do anything I could to help him out we helped him move into an apartment and furnish it and I took him a lot of places then he got real sick and I went to the hospital as much as I could and then it all just stopped once he was better- even last Christmas when he was here I just felt like he didn't want to be here. My sister lives 5 minutes from him and he never calls her either- I don't understand it all and there is so much more to it- but I don't feel like discussing it right now, I really truly don't.

* My dog, Nikki is on her last legs. I have had her since CC and I first moved into our apartment in 1992. She was my baby and went everywhere with me and I dressed her up, treated her like a child - almost to the point of ridiculousness. Truthfully, I think she was my baby to fill the void of a baby because once the kids were born (other than the fact that I was so busy I didn't have time to sleep let alone play dress up with a dog) I didn't really pay much attention to her- so kinda faded into the background. I know that is awful and sad, but so true- and she has been going downhill very drastically. Granted, she is almost 16 which is insanely old in dog years but still, in the summer she was still running around here and there and now she has trouble getting up and down stairs, her legs give out sometimes, she's deaf for sure and always has her tail between her legs. Unfortunately I am of the mentality that I don't want to know. I don't want to bring her to a vet because I am scared of what they will say although I know she will have to be put down. When she has a good day I convince myself she is fine now and makes me feel badly about even thinking to put her down... never again, no more animals... I can't deal.. anyway I am calling tomorrow- it has to be done... poor little Nikki.....



Ok now I have depressed myself. HAPPY NOW?? Ha! kidding.. that is all for now... got to take a breather....