Merry fucken Christmas

So things just get better and better. The kids have just gotten over a week of hell- Stomach flu- I cannot get the smell of puke out of my nose no matter how I try- poor little darlings. It was a bad week. We went to my mother's for a photoshoot- all the grandchildren in one room having a photo done- it could have been worse- my mother fucked up as usual though and all the kids missed out on the town's events for the day - it was Santa day and all of these things were going on- and after the pictures were done my mother fucked off somewhere and we missed everything- anyway- whatever- oh but wait- it gets better- on the way home Curly pukes all over the place- covered- everything- it was just awful- thank God my sister was with me or I would have been alone on a gravel road trying to clean it all up and calm Pickle down (she was more upset than anyone)- anyway it was quite an eventful ride home. So now that the sickies are all better, we have been getting ready for Christmas in our own way- I have had my tree up for a couple of weeks now, trying to get myself out of this slump I am in- it always makes me feel better although the process of getting the tree up was a disaster. Too long of a story to go into- you had to be there really- should have had my camera going- I should have known.. What else? Oh, yes, CC is still a fucken asshole. The other night he gets off work early- goes to a bar and stays up all night drinking - so much so that at 8:00 p.m. the next day, when he should have been at work already, he is still up, pissed drunk so when his sick daughter calls him crying because she wants her daddy- she can't even understand him and he has no recollection of her ever calling- FUCKEN LOOOOOSER! So he basically lost 2 days of work- all for what? For a drunk- what a fucken looser- And god knows what else he has been doing- I could just throw up- I would like to say that I regret ever meeting him- but then I wouldn't have my babies- I couldn't bring myself to say that- - but only for that reason. I have to do something to get out of here- or keep him out... on that note- Oh, things can't be worse you say?? Oh yes, yes they can.. guess who got laid off last night? Come on, one guess... job's done.. no more work- guess who will be home this weekend? For good.... my stomach hurts. I don't want to go back to sharing space, air, anything with him again. This whole time he has been away has made me realize completely that I don't need him first and foremost- well of course I need him to work that is about it- but also that I don't want him- not at all, not the slightest bit. He has done nothing- other than of course donating his sperm- which exactly all it was, to make my life any happier- I just sit back and think about all of the things he has done that has caused me detriment or sadness or stunted my happiness. I think about the way things should have been all of this time and it wasn't and even though I tried to convince myself I didn't need any of those things (not material things)- I did and I should have had them and I deserved to have them and he is so fucken selfish he couldn't look past himself or his needs or wants to give them to me. I was thinking the other day about how I was going to come up with the money to buy him his Ipod for Christmas- and then I thought about how many times I would be on him about him spending so much money and where it was all going and he would give me these bullshit stories about how he had been saving up money to buy me something special and that he had the money and now I had ruined it and he just wanted to surprise me and on and on- and all the while there was nothing- no gifts, no nothing I can't even tell you how many times he did that too me and each time I believed him and felt badly for accusing him of pissing away money- and each time I was right.. anyway that has no relevance really, I was just thing about it the other day- just shows you what kind of character he has... So yeah, he is officially out of work again- this is about the same time last year when everything went to hell and it put us in such a spot- one that we still haven't recovered from- it has only gotten worse and of course with all of the money he has pissed away since he has been away- well, we are so fucked it isn't funny- thank god I have finished shopping for birthday and Christmas for my babies- all the kids really- everyone else can go to hell- including him. And I am so pathetic that every night I pray and pray to please just let me win some money so I can get out of here - get far far away from him and his lies and his bullshit- just get away and not feel like I am held here as a prisoner- me and my babies far far away....

IN LOVE WITH A SONG

I think I heard this song on Six Feet Under once - I'm not sure, but I loved it when I heard it and then never heard it again. I heard it again tonight, and I have listened to it about 60 times already- its very calming.. anyway, thought I would share- it's called BREATHE ME by SIA


Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Enfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Enfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Enfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

CLAIM TO FAME

OK I am a loser I know but here is the closest thing to having my name out there in the world of media. BT (Breakfast television, a local morning show) had a silly little "contest" (if you could call it that) to add a caption to a picture they posted and they would choose the best or funniest one and that person would win a prize. Seeing as though I had nothing better to do at the time, I submitted a caption and though I didn't win, I got an Honourable Mention- and won fuck all- but anyway whatever.. For safety reasons, I have blocked out my name. I don't want all my crazed fans coming to find me - HA! Well then, you may wonder- how do we really know it is your name there? Well, I guess you don't know do you? I hope you won't loose sleep over it.. hahahah.. see how I can create drama about something so meaningless and petty? I'm good.... OH, incidentally, still have not heard from Howie Mandel yet. My sister and I both applied to be on DEAL OR NO DEAL when it comes to Canada - wouldn't that be the funniest thing ever? I will wet my pants, I Swear!


AND THE WINNER IS...
Time to announce the winner of our first weekly Caption Contest. Here once again is the picture... (OK I NOW REALIZE THE PICTURE WON'T COPY HERE- OH WELL USE YOUR IMAGINATION)

is easy for you! Try doing this with your mother strapped to your back!"
Some honourable mentions include:

"What kind of milk are you drinking?" J (INSERT MY NAME HERE)

"No wonder you're so happy...no one is kicking you in the butt!" Norm Makela
"Hey Lady, do you always sing to the airplanes like that?" Irene
Michele Laffin wins a Chicago DVD/CD prize pack.

Closing the Doors

I'm sitting here- it's almost 2 a.m. (despite what time it says it is at the end of this blog) and I am listening to The Doors. Fuck, I haven't heard a Doors song in years it seems yet at one point in my life I was obsessed. Listening now, I remember why. It's so full of emotion and it just makes you want to close your eyes and float and feel and cry. Indian Summer was my wedding song- the first song I danced with CC as my husband. Most people thought it was strange- I thought it was enchanting- if it couldn't be Prince it had to be The Doors. Before that- they have significance to me for a strange and sad reason. When I first started working at "the office", my friend there had a brother who was a little fucked up with depression and drugs and shit- and one day (I was only the receptionist then)he called and asked to put through to her. When she answered, the only thing he said to her was "This is the end, beautiful friend, the end." and he hung up. She thought it was odd- but put it off to him being fucked up on drugs. She had no idea the "quote" was a line from a song by The Doors. A few short hours later she was called to come identify his body or what was left of it, in the middle of a busy downtown street after he jumped to his death. I still remember her screaming into the phone when they called her- and the look on her face when she left to identify him- Later, when she told me about what he had said and I told her it was a song, I typed out the lyrics for her- and watched her shake as she read them...

LOCKJAW

The past month has been hard- sad, stressful - everything. I have clammed right up lately - keeping myself, for the most part, isolated- more than I already am. Trying to keep the illusion that everything is fine- dealing with my well meaning- but annoying as hell in-laws and trying to live day to day as a single parent without the benefits of being single. Not that I would have the time to do anything anyway- but still, I would have the choice. Things came to a head with CC a week or so ago- found out he was off to the casino a half a million times pissing away hoards of money we do not have (thanks to the cash advances on Visa). So I had it. Didn't speak to him or take his calls for days- literally would not answer my phone either cell or home for days (no, no call display) In case it was him. I just had nothing to say, still don't really, but I have started answering my phone again.
I turned 35 and it nearly broke me. Back again to that mentality that I have done nothing with my life and I am fat and bored and yet cannot get up an ounce of motivation. Sad about my uncle, angry about not having enough time or money to do anything. Trying to plan Christmas and the triplets party and fit in everything else. Calculating endlessly in my mind how much money I need for this and that and having $200.00 in my pocket that I got for my birthday and having a plan for what I was going to do with it- and ending up paying the visa bill with it- again, THANK YOU CC! I am just rambling and changing the subject aimlessly I know, but I have a mess of shit in my head and it is just coming out as it will. So for the past 3 or 4 days I having been spewing with thoughts- I have also noticed that I have been literally gritting my teeth for days now- 24/7. I guess that is my new thing- I woke up this morning after only a couple of hours sleep (here we go with that again) and my jaw is so sore- my teeth are aching I must have been gritting them so hard last night... sigh... It's just never going to stop- everyone tells me not to worry about this or that but it is my obsession- I must worry about something- and when I am not, then I am worried about not worrying. I know there has got to be something to worry about- Like for example- along with everything else I worried about right this second, I am also worried about an outing we are taking on December 27th! Me, the triplets and my 2 nieces are going to Disney on Ice with my mother and whoever else. And I am worried about that- They want to take the go train, and I am worried about that- How can I handled 5 kids in a busy place like a train station alone? What if one of them has to go to the bathroom? What if my mother is her regular bitch self and ruins it for all of us as she is so infamous for doing? Why did I agree to go? I am dreading it and worrying about it already. And I am worried about it a month in advance. Brutal. Also, just so you all know, I suck and the whole whoopdee doo about quitting smoking went to absolute hell in a handbasket- I was good for a week- and then it all went awry. Whatever- I will deal with that later- but how can I leave that for later? How can that not be my first priority? I am so stupid- I know it's the worst thing ever- and look at my poor sweet uncle- and yet I keep doing it- so weak- I am so weak. And this whole exercise thing- what the hell? Oh I had a plan- good intentions- and the bottom line is I got no moxi- I got nothing- Just a flat blob- who sits around praying for a miracle of some sort- win the lottery to buy my freedom- magically wake up and won't want to smoke again- hey win the lottery and buy me a new body! Dumb- lazy- stupid... I just don't get it. When I was trying to have children- I worked so hard for so long- no, not having sex - just everything- whatever had to be done was done- dr's every day, injections, drugs, bloodwork- everything. And when one way failed, I tried the next and nothing stood in my way- nothing- everyone told me to stop, not to put myself through it anymore- but I couldn't, I wouldn't I kept pushing on- what happened to that me? The one who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted? What happened to that me? Where did she go?

Might as Well Be 40...... Sigh

35 years old now
35 years of me
it made me sad
but I had the best time with Shell.
Stayed up til the wee hours
laughing, playing games-
Deal or No Deal
Family Feud
hilarious.
Had a few drinks
and smoked a joint
16 again
beautiful
it felt just like I needed it to.
didn't think about anything
or anyone
just enjoyed
and laughed
and was.