Tuesday, November 20, 2007

FALL ON YOUR KNEES.....

Ok so briefly I will update you on the chaos of my life. 2 weeks almost to the day that Curly and Pickle came down with the chicken pox, Little man did as well and with a fucken vengeance I tell you- he got them twice as much as Pickle and three times as much as Curly.. it has been awful- and Little Man is not like the other 2- not a good patient... and that's all I have to say about that. We missed going to my dear Shell's for her towns Christmas parade and a day of Christmas crafts and well, just being with her.. he missed CC's work Christmas party. I ended up taking the other 2 whilst CC stayed home with him-poor dear.. Hopefully by Thursday he should be ready to go back to school and then my 22 day run of being home bound and constantly with at least one child will be over and I can get back to my routine- my sad, lonely boring routine.. but you know what right now I will take that any day over looking after another child with chicken pox- fucken A.

So despite my set backs of late and not starting off the "holidays" as I wanted and not being able to start shopping or decorating or anything else, I am trying desperately to get into the Christmas spirit- to somehow overdo and make up for last year- anything has to be better than last year. And here I find myself typing this blog when I should in fact be cleaning the rest of this basement which I put on my list of things to do today and which at this point has not been completed and which I cannot cross off my list- I should be doing another load of laundry- which is also on my list, or a hundred other things- but I am sitting here - stalling I guess- I am wiped out emotionally and physically just wiped- I have given every ounce of patience and nurtured and comforted all I can and I am tired- anyway so here I sit listening to Christmas music while I waste away the hours and wonder why I am so tired in the morning.

Anyway speaking of Christmas- I will tell you what- O HOLY NIGHT has got to be I think my favourite song of all time. Not just Christmas songs- all songs. I have every version of any person who ever sang this song from Celine Dion to Cartman from South Park. I am not a religious person ( no really?!) but this song just gets to me. I can any day, any time of year put this song on and it always does one of 2 things to me- makes me cry- like sob- down from the pit of my stomach bawl or gives me an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace. It's that one part especially that gets to me- that some can sing with such power and conviction it sends chills through me- "Fall on your knees... hear the angel voices...." fuck I love that part.

Tonight, it makes me cry. Tonight, I think about how so many Christmas' past have been filled with such sorrow and hurt- and wonder if this year somehow it will be different and if I can live up to my expectations of it all- tonight I wonder what lurks around the corner for me because surely something will happen to unravel me again. Surely I will find myself broken, and crumpled in a ball on the kitchen floor crying from the depths of my stomach and feeling that ache in my heart just like so many Christmas' before. It always makes me wonder why I love Christmas so much- so many terrible things have happened at Christmas- enough to turn ya off completely - but I have hope that one day it will be my magic Christmas- we'll see...


Anyway- I better get back to work. Tomorrow is another day and the days go by so quickly- how the hell is almost the end of November already anyway ? WTF?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

POOR ME

Yes.. I'll say it- poor me I feel sorry for me.. there ya go- I do and I don't care who thinks what about it...

Pickle has now come down with the stomach flu on top of still having chicken pox- been cleaning up puke all day.. lovely...


MY husband is an asshole- ok.. that is no different from any other day but still- had to point it out.. he got pissed off at me because I didn't have dinner ready when he got home.. he worked all day don't ya know and I sat here and did nothing .... whatever- asshole...

It is my birthday. I have 2 parents still alive- and 2 brothers and 2 sisters- out of my whole family- my sister called to wish me a happy birthday.. ONE sister ---the rest of my family couldn't be bothered I guess... and yet- now get this- my best friend from over 25 years ago- whom I have seen once in about 17 years sent me a bouquet of flowers- granted I hate flowers- but still, she took the time to send me a bouquet of flowers on my birthday-isn't that just the sweetest.... my family sucks ass... except you Moe......

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

MOTHER ON THE EDGE

Where to begin....


This past 6 days have been hell for me- Halloween came, and we were all so excited- and then Curly was not feeling well at school that day- came home and felt worse... fell asleep, and missed Halloween- woke up at 9 p.m. crying that he had missed it- and so I bundled up that little Captain America and we went in search for houses still giving out candy- he managed to get to 4 of them- my heart broke... the next morning Curly was covered in Chicken Pox- 2 days later Pickle came down with them and by far- it was the worst I had ever seen- the pox were so big and she was so sick- she would lie and shake and cry- it was awful... so I have spent that past 6 days bathing 2 pox ridden children twice a day in oatmeal baths, applying anti-itch cream, making soup and patting heads and amusing bored little chicken pox covered children. Curly is a champ though- he is the best patient- he didn't feel badly other than the first day but Pickle, my god was she sick- and the pox were everywhere- between her fingers and toes, even in her cacooch and she cried- "ma, I can't take it anymore!" just awful! And even when Curly had them in his mouth and then they spread inside his eye and I had to rush him into the Dr's to get special drops- he was still a champ about it- he's amazing. So it is winding down now- Curly may be well enough for school by Thursday I am thinking but Pickle- no way not until at least Monday- she is still covered but feeling much much better- and all this while Little Man never got it- he still may of course- because I would love to go through this again in 2 weeks- but so far nothing and he is so good about it- he has to get up every morning and go to school while the other 2 are still snug in their beds- I have a neighbour taking him to and from school because I obviously can't. It's been very rough- exhausting- and of course i have had no help- what else is new huh? So it's been tough...

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 36 years old.. the past few days I have felt like 66- maybe this is the year for me- last year at this time CC was still away fucking his girlfriend and partying it up while I was here alone... I don't know what I want anymore- but i know it isn't him and of course that has been my feeling for quite some time now- maybe this year of my life I will finally have the balls to do something about it...