WEDDING CRASHER!

Ok so before I post about my life at home with CC as of late, I wanted to share what I did this past weekend. My sister was invited to a co-worker's wedding and her man had to work, so she asked me to go in his place. Even though I don't know these people, (they know of me) I needed a night out regardless of where it was- so off I went. I did not get drunk- I had my token 3 beers and was quite happy but the best part of the night was when they brought out the chocolate fountain- oh yes, that is what I said- CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!!!! However, it was gaurded by a dreadful chocolate Nazi, who scowled and stared every time you went near it...So my sister and I were all going up and trying to look like ladies, you know taking a strawberry or two and dipping it in the fountain and sitting down and then non-chalauntly (sp?) going back up for perhaps a rice crispy square dipped in chocolate and so on and so on- so finally, at one point we noticed chocolate nazi was not at her post- I screamed to my sister "Go, Go GO!!!" and we were going to make a run for it when we came up with a brilliant idea- we'll have our own chocolate and that way we won't look like pigs (ok people let me just tell you that this was the best chocolate I ever ate in my life- milk chocolate- yum yum.. Ok I am drooling again, let me continue with the story) so anyway I encourage my sister to grab a wine glass from the table and fill it up with chocolate and then we wouldn't have to keep going up there- so she did it- I was fucken howling, I almost wet my pants laughing- and then I made her stand there while I took a picture but only it kept coming out too dark so she was filling it and filling it and I was just dying.. So anyway she comes back to the table and now I have to go get stuff to dip inour chocolate so I go up there and we were gearing for the rice crispies eh so I am trying to pick up as many as I can on the wooden sticks- you know the shishcabob sticks- well, that just wasn't working, So I end up grabbing the bowl of rice crispies and pouring it onto my plate- again laughing so hard I am almost peeing myself.. Anyway so we had our own chocolate fiesta I will tell you- it was so funny.. Then the girls that worked there I guess were coming around clearing the table and they kept asking us if we were done with the glass of chocolate but we either told them no, ignored them, or tried to act like it was someone elses'. So we put it off as long as we could, but finally had to give in and let them take our chocolate away... sigh... it was good though, damn damn good. Over all a fun night- not too bad....

THE RETURN OF CC PART 2

So, let's see where our story left off, oh yes, so CC has been going to meetings almost everyday now, if not then every other. He says he feels real good when he comes out of a meeting. He has floated around a bit, going to AA, CA & NA and has even met some guys at meetings that he made a connection with. So in that respect, things are going well. I am very proud of him for sticking to the meeting thing- but like I said, he feels good about things when he comes out of them, so shit, go every night if you want. The first real test came this past Friday when an old friend of ours and incidentally the friend who just so happened to have gotten CC started on coke all those years ago and would sit in my apartment with CC and do rails on my coffee table (unbenounced to me of course) called and asked CC to play a game of hockey like shimmy of shinny or shiney or what ever the hell they call it. So CC was all gung ho and I was worried- so worried. But let me tell you, he was home directly afterwards- called me to tell me he was off the ice, and then called me on the way home and yep, came straight home. He said the guys all went up to the bar for beers and of course there are the others who stand out in the parking lot and smoke joints (so juvenile) and he got showered, dressed and came straight home. He could have gone up with them, had a pop or something but even he said, he didn't want to put himself in the situation... So good for him. Now, the next issue- work- he hasn't gone back yet, he's got some offers, but he is scared, and rightly so, and was trying to hold out for something with a little less hours maybe or something with guys he wouldn't know or I dunno- he was just scared. Anyway now he has an opportunity to work for the school board doing all their plumbing and shit like that I guess- I don't even know. So he had to get a police check and all this shit and he is actually starting on Monday. He isn't thrilled about the job, I wouldn't be either- and the money sucks ass, but it is, if nothing else, a good transition back into reality. He works only about 6 hours a day- will be home for supper every night- not anywhere near the guys he was drinking doing drugs with, he actually will go from school to school- so anyway the money sucks, the job sucks, but its a good way for him to get back to work and still keep up with his meetings, his obligation to family and then after a while if he feels he can handle it and he has some sobriety behind him, he can get something a little more substantial- if he wants to - apparently this is a pretty hard job to get fired from- meaning it is a job for life if he wants it- but again the money sucks and we are in so much debt- but anyway his sobriety and commitment to his family far outweighs all of that- we'll just pay everything off slower, and manage with what we have. So I guess you could say things are going pretty good. Oh let me tell you this- so Valentines' Day was the other day and he's all out and about looking to get me something which I told him not to anyway. My big thing is cards- buy me a card and write something mushy in it and I am happy. Besides, he never buys me anything for anything-no birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day valentines, maybe Christmas sometimes, but other than that he doesn't get me anything ever so just the fact he wanted to and went out and made the effort was enough for me. Anyway he came back disappointed, and told me he could get what he wanted to get me but it would take 3 days. I didn't want to know in a way- I love surprises and don't get many of them I might add- but I figure I had better know to make sure he wasn't spending money we didn't have or shouldn't be spending anyway . He gladly told me and I swear it took every thing I had not to cry. He asks me "Do you know that poem Footprints?" and yes, I do I think S has it up in her house somewhere- But anyway even though it is god-ish, I actually like it- I think it is so sweet. Anyway he wanted to get me a print of that and get it in a nice frame to hang in our room. So I asked him, even though the gesture itself was sweet and so unlike him, why he would have thought of that particular poem for me. And do you know what he said? DO YOU? He said, because when he looks back at all of our years together and all we've been through, that's what he feels- he feels like I carried him through all the tough times in our lives. I got all veclempt and almost cried. I told him I didn't need it to be physically in our home, and that it was the sweetest thing ever... we're still looking for the poster of it and we'll get it framed, the way he was going to do it would have cost over $200.00- he's sweet for wanting to do it- but he has no money sense at all- anyway .. there, there is a sweet CC story to end this post... let's hope there's plenty more to come instead of all my I HATE CC posts....

THE RETURN OF CC PART ONE

Ok people, after a long sabbatical, I am back and here to share with you all how my life has been since CC came home. First and foremost- thanks for all your thoughts and best wishes for me and my 3 little pigs getting better- which we all did and still are- whew.....
OK so Wednesday the 7th, I dropped the kids back off at school and sent off on my long journey to pick up CC- the weather was bad, and at one point I thought very seriously about turning around and calling the centre to tell them to tell CC he would have to take a bus home, which was incidentally, an option we had discussed, but nevertheless, I continued on and the last hour or so wasn't too bad at all. So I get there early even, and I knew all the boys would be in a meeting from 3-4 so I sat on the leather couches in the waiting area for him to come out. I heard things wrapping up and all these guys came out staring at me, some asking who I was, some assuming who I was, all of them trying to be charming and initiating small talk with me which I was not at all interested in. To be quite honest, I was terribly excited to see him. I felt like I was in one of those scenes you see in all those love stories, where the person is getting off the plane and all of the people are coming out and the person is looking and looking past the sea of bodies coming out and they always seem to be the last one off the plane- anyway he had gone upstairs through the back way to grab his bag, and when he came down, I was surrounded by everyone there it seemed, all wanting to talk to me or wish us luck or telling me some funny little incident about CC's time there- he came through the crowd and hugged me and then turned to hug and say goodbye to a few others there and I picked up some of his stuff and we started walking out. By this time most of the guys had gathered outside the front doors for a smoke and they were all in a line on either side of the walkway- and again I felt myself feeling like I was in a movie of some sort- it was almost laughable- I felt so stupid walking down the line of guys while CC stopped and shook hands and hugged each one of them. It was weird- anyway it had since started to snow and I encouraged him to get to the van so we could get home before things got too bad. He offered to drive - I am so glad for that- I was not looking forward to it. Anyway when we first pulled out, I saw him all teary-eyed. He started to cry a bit- saying how much he would miss it, the place itself and the guys- and that he was scared. He talked a lot- and I listened, fascinated by the things coming out of his mouth- how positive, he was yet he looked and sounded so vulnerable. The weather was getting worse and worse as we drove on and we ended up stopping a few times to let the snow calm down a bit. It was actually fun- and I can't believe I am saying that- to be in a car with him for what turned out to be a 5 hour trip home. We talked and laughed and I listened to all of his stories. I told him about the things I had read and all of the things I was looking forward to. Now normally I would feel dumb about sharing things with him- because normally he would give me a look like I was an idiot or that I was cheesy- but he seemed genuinely intrigued with what I was saying and his thoughts were clear and precise and honest. It was nice. So we finally make it home. His parents had come to my house and picked the kids up from school after I had left and they seemed quite ready to leave after we got back- the kids were all excited and I could see that CC was getting a bit overwhelmed. After all, he hasn't really been around them for almost 8 months and the last month and a bit he has been in this peaceful serene place and then comes home to 3 little monkeys all wanting his attention at the same time, all wanting to tell him something at the same time. I get overwhelmed a lot of the time too and I am pretty patient. Anyway soon after I got the kids to bed and I could see his mind racing. I had picked him up a copy of NA (narcotics anonymous) and he had about 4 other books that he got while he was there including AA and these little prayer books, thoughts for the day etc etc. He was quite excited for me to read them as well so I made a deal that I would read the two books with him every day- the ones that has a message of the day or thought or prayer. So we each read the passages for the day and we talked and talked about lots of different things. I got on the internet and we started searching for a place he could go to the next day for a meeting. I didn't want a single day to go by before he went to one- not that he did- but I just initiated it - got the ball rolling. So we found a few places and the next night he went to a meeting which he ended up not caring for very much- but it was his first one away from the centre so I didn't expect him to love it or anything. The next few days was much of the same. We talked a lot and I told him a lot of things he probably didn't want to hear - about how I was still angry with him about what he did and that I didn't feel like he was remorseful for it- like it wasn't enough for him to have said he was sorry that day- and that it has never been really brought up again. I told him I felt like since the drug issue came to light he has forgotten everything else that went before/during it. He assured me that was not the case and told me that he has learnt that he cannot make promises to me because addicts don't keep promises and that all he could do was prove to me with every passing day that he would stay sober and be the man he knows he can be. He said that each day he starts out by telling himself that "today I will not drink or do drugs/ Today I will be a good husband and father". He told me there wasn't much else that he could do but take it day by day and prove I can trust him again and not drink or do drugs. I have accepted that there is nothing really physically he can do to change what happened obviously or to even make me feel better about it and true enough- if every day gets a bit better and I see he is trying even in the smallest of ways, well, I have to accept that and either go with the flow or accept that I can't and let him go. So far I am doing ok with it. And so far he has made that real easy- but this, as I call it, is still the honeymoon phase of recovery- it's all fine and dandy now, but can it last? I would like to think so, and I have been reading my Relationship Rescue book by Dr. Phil which incidentally is a fucken amazing book. Very eye opening and at this point- all about me really- what I mean is, there are certain exercises you have to do, journal writing about your relationship, yourself etc, and it has truly opened my eyes to many things. I have also been (hold onto your hats for this one) turned onto THE SECRET you may have heard of it by now- it is sweeping the nation so I have heard and I have been trying to practice the LAWS OF ATTRACTION. What I like about it is, that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with god, but a sense of spirituality that I have never really experienced before and have come to believe that I do infact need in my life. OK I will write about that another time. But bottom line is that there are a lot of things I need to fix within myself before I can commit to him again and commit to the relationship. I am learning a lot about myself and trying desperately to stay positive although admittedly I still have that sinking feeling sometimes... Waiting for the axe to fall.....

SPOKE TOOO SOON- DAMN IT ALLL!!!!!!!

Ok so my last post boosted about me and my final battle with the laundry situation.... yeah ok... I should have just conceded to the fact that my laundry woes will never be over- Last night- after tossing and turning all night long, trying desperately to sleep with my mouth open because my nose was so plugged up, I found one of my sons and my daughter in bed with me- no biggie- its a common occurrence since CC has not been around- anyway so at 4:15 this morning I hear Pickle cough- and oh yes I know that cough very well- I sat up just in time to get a lap full of vomit. Not only did I get puked on but so did Little Man and boy did we hear about it- of course he was wearing his Buzz Lightyear Pj's and well, it was the end of the world as we all knew it when Pickle puked on them. So she managed to hit me, my son, every pillow on the bed and of course all my freshly washed sheets, comforter etc etc.... so at 4:30 this morning I was left with the grizzly task of cleaning off 2 puke covered children, and redressing them for bed, and stripping down my bed, putting in a load of laundry and getting myself cleaned up too- Oh and did I mention that last night even though I said I was going to bed I decided to go and sit in a nice hot bath - so there was me all clean and smelling fine one second- and covered in puke the next......it's not bad enough that I am so so sick- but now poor little Pickle too- she has slept most of the day- literally- she has only puked one other time this afternoon, so she is pretty much a good sick person, I can't complain, but man alive- now I have to worry about the other 2 not only catching what I have but now what Pickle has too- and we have such a busy few weeks ahead- 3 birthday parties in 3 weeks to start.... oh sigh... no rest for the weary... EVER !

GIVE ME A KLEENEX AND A PILLOW AND I WILL BE JUST FINE....

So here it is, Sunday night. I am sicker than sick and have not felt this bad in years probably but today I did something, even though I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep, I got an awful lot accomplished. It may not sound like much to most of you- but adding 3, 5 year olds to the mix, its a miracle if I get anything done in a day. So I finally, and this is a Big task for me got every last bit of laundry done, down to all the towels and comforters and sheets etc. I usually have a hamper full at all times and I get to the point where I will sift through things and decide what is most needed to be washed and leave the other stuff behind. And then of course before I know it I have several hampers of stuff that was left behind you know? Anyway LAUNDRY- DONE! Then I cleared out my entire office/craft room/video game room, re-organized and put everything in its place. I spent an hour or so making valentine bags for the kids class (with the help of the three little pigs of course) and spent almost 2 hours doing homework with the kids as well- yes- SK and 2 hours of homework- it is absolutely ridiculous- I feel so sorry for them- no wonder kids drop out of school.. its so bad. I also went through my closet and got rid of an entire garbage bag of clothes- yes, I actually parted with stuff- I don't know what got into me. So even though I feel like dirt- I did something today.... and now I will curl up in a ball and get some sleep - I have to be chaffer to the MIL AGAIN tomorrow- that is my new job don't ya know-all my time when the kids are not in school for like the past 2 weeks has been driving her around to appointments etc. Oh happy day...

THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

So here it is 4 days and counting until CC comes home. I am more than a little apprehensive about it all- right now I know where he is what he's doing and who he is doing it with- when he gets home I am going to wonder every time he walks out that door. Like the looser that I am I bought a couple of books I have been reading- one is Relationship Rescue by my buddy Dr. Phil and the other is called Surviving Infidelity which so far, seems a little hookey- but anyway I will read it and see if it gives me any insight into deciding whether I want this to continue, if I can get past what he has done to me or if it is time to cut the ties... I know the book thing is a long shot and in no way replaces therapy or counseling, but it is a start for me anyway . Anyway, I am sick- very very sick- so sick that everytime I swallow or cough I am sure it is going to kill me- just lovely- I am sure through no fault of my own I will most certainly pass it on to the kids and will then have 3 sick babies too... sigh... Oh oh, I forgot to tell you - check out this latest tidbit from CC- the other night he called and we're shooting the shit and he starts talking about the meeting he was just at and whatever and then tells me he thinks it would be a good idea if we all started going to church. I went silent for a while, and just said OK but then changed my mind and told him that I didn't believe in that and that going to church was not my thang and that if he wanted to go I would encourage it etc but that I was not interested. He seemed disappointed and then asked if he could bring the children with him- I told him I would have to check it out first and whatnot- but that I didn't see a problem in this if THEY wanted to do it. See this urkes me- first of all he was the one who was going on and on about not wanting to be preached at about God when he went to rehab- and that if they started he would leave because he doesn't go for that shit- and he was the one (and yes, me too) that almost didn't get married because even after we found a united church (he is catholic and I refused to get married in a catholic church) the priest or minister or whatever the hell he was made us come to church for like 3 weeks and we both loathed it and hated it so much we almost said fuck it and thought about eloping in Vegas (I know who am I kidding- I loved my wedding and all the planning that went with it- but still, it was brought up) and again both of us were the ones who didn't get the kids baptised because we wanted the kids to make their own choices about religion and not push any one of them on them- let them decide- even when his family was pulling a freak show about it and his mother was "ohhh so disappointed" neither of us has ever been religious to any degree- God and I (if that is what you want to call him) have issues- we are not friends, we do not play well together and therefore going to his house to praise his name- is not my bag baby- sorry charlie- not gonna do it- so anyway although I was surprised with his suggestion, I will not succome to going to church just because it is something he feels he needs to do- can't and won't - I will be supportive in other ways but not that way- you bible thump on your own buddy boy- so sorry . Anyway I am sure I have offended a million people by now, if I have - stop reading this then- I make no apologies for my NON religious beliefs..
Well well that was sure a rampage wasn't it? right........

So anyway the countdown is on, and before I know it I will be driving 3 1/2 hours to get home and bring him back to our happy little bubble here- I am just so scared that once I get him back here I will want him out- I don't know nice CC I don't know the CC who listens and has conversations and is willing to take part in our family, I don't know the CC who doesn't drink, or smoke pot or even do blow (not that I knew he was doing it anyway ) and I think I am scared because even if he turns out to be the way I have always wanted him to be and pretended he was to every one else, that I may not like CC that way- I may not like the new CC - what a kick in the ass that will be eh? HA! Anyway I need to go do laundry- SIGH.... talk amongst yourselves.....

MEMES- WTF? I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO EVEN SAY THAT- BUT ANYWAY....

OK I got tagged by echo- so here are some weird things about me- some may be repeats of my blog ages ago entitled "25 things about me "or something like that.. anyway I am feeling slightly lazy today so I may just cheat and use some of those- let's see what I can come up with: let's start with the rules :

Here are the rules: Each player starts by blogging about six weird things (or memes) about themselves. Those tagged must also blog the rules in their blog while tagging a half a dozen people of their own. It's also important to inform the tagees that they've been tagged. Tag.

#1- I have a phobia about feet- summer just urkes me- I cannot handle seeing people's feet- it drives me insane- I mean isn't that what they invented socks for? Come on na- no one needs to see them- keep 'em covered.... unless of course you are a baby- that I can handle...

#2- I loathe throwing things out. I have so much stuff in my house it's crazy- I am often asked "what do you need that for?" Most of the time I cannot answer it other than to say that I MIGHT need it one day. The thought of throwing things out just panics me for some reason - I don't keep garbage and shit like that- umm ok an example: My garage is filled with boxed and boxes of baby toys and clothes and of course 3 cribs, 3 highchairs, etc etc ... why? Well, I might need them one day. Am I planning on having more children? Um no, but still- one never knows do they? I also have boxes and boxes of old notes from highschool and projects and things I classify as "memories" such as empty smoke packs that some one may have bought for me or train tickets from the time so and so and I went to the... you know stuff like that- My name is Jenna and I am a hoarder...


#3 I can wiggle my ears- yes, yes I can......

#4 My laugh is often referred to as a cackle and I have been known to embarrass quite a few people with it. In grade school I tried out for the school play- I wanted the part of Dorothy- I ended up being the Wicked Witch of the West.....

#5. Tonight I had Stovetop stuffing for dinner- turkey flavor- it is my fav- I could eat it again and again... BTW no turkey with it- or any other fixings.... just stuffing.....

# 6 OK lastly, I would like to share a few things to prove I am strange- just like little things- but combined, I think it classifies me as weird.... I have 36 different Christmas CD's - how much is too much? I mean, how many different ways are there to sing Silent Night? In my bathroom cupboard right now, I have 11 different shampoos, and 6 different anti-frizz or straightening products, in my garage I have about 16 large totes of Christmas decorations/lights, I also have about 8 large totes of Halloween decorations. I have about 10-15 copies of every poem I ever wrote, in different fonts, on different types of paper and of course my original hand written versions. I have the same pair of underwear I wore on my wedding day almost 10 years ago- and I still wear them. I buy bras that are too small in hopes that maybe I will wake up one morning and they will be smaller and that pretty little bra will fit me.

Well there you have it- I am strange I know it- but that's ok because I am good enough, I am smart enough, and dog-goneit, people like me... ha!

OK who to tag, who to tag..... no one I know really blogs, I have limited choices here- OK I tag PATTY- although I know you are busy as hell these days with your trip coming, and MOE just do it- you don't update your blog nearly enough and DEBBIE_ get your blog going again girl come on na!