Saturday, September 26, 2009

PHASE ONE- ACCEPTANCE

So I broke the news to CC about his father. It was not pleasant- he cried- I cried while I was telling him but at no time did I go over to comfort him. At no point did I reach out to hug him or hold him- I just let him sit there and cry- I felt sorry for him leading up to our conversation, but once I started talking to him I felt sad for me, for dad- not for him- I had no sympathy for him at all- not an ounce- he treated his parents like crap- and I wanted at some point to scream out- SEE! I told you one day you would be sorry for being an asshole to him! And here he is.. I just felt nothing- I was almost just mad you know- just so mad at him I could punch him in his face... And it occurs to me that it is gone- every single ounce of everything I ever felt for him is gone. And even if- even if he becomes a better man because he is loosing (or when he loses) his father, even if he becomes everything he was supposed to always be or becomes this great guy- this fun, kind, caring, selfless person- it won't matter- it won't matter because the damage is done- too much has happened- he has done too much too me said too little to be able to fix this- it is over - and I feel that from every inch of my being. This is no longer me just being mad and regretting and "what if'ing" - this is me- knowing there is nothing there- nothing left- and there never will be ever ever again. This is of course not to say I haven't known this for some time now- I have not slept in the same bed as him for almost 2 years (I sleep on the couch) and as for actually sleeping with him- its got to be at least a year- yeah, at least a year...and that one time was probably all there has been for two or so anyway - he's probably doing someone else here and there- and I sadly don't care either way - I just don't like him- I really just don't. And sometimes I would get that little glimmer of Oh, if only he were like this all the time.. but that soon fades and its like cripes I don't care if is or not- still don't like him. Now I have to figure out how to get out of this- how am I going to get out of all of this and live my life- I have to start making a plan- I have to start getting a plan for finances and so on- that is the only thin holding me back- isn't it always though- fucken money- ....I wish I had parents I liked- I wish I could call up my mother and say it's over.. I'm coming home. But I have never had a mother to count on like that or that I liked for that matter- and god knows I have never had a home to go home too- so there goes that- it's gotta be me- this has all got to be me now- I have to do something ...

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Unreal

When I wrote my last post- I didn't know how quickly things would happen. I knew- I think I have known more than anyone- that my FIL's time was short-I have been confused at the lack of concern- at the hopefulness everyone else seems to have been relying on all of this time. I thought maybe the MIL was putting up a front- I thought she knew how bad it was but was just acting like he was going to be ok for our sakes. But no- she truly really believed he was going to be just fine. He was in the hospital twice this past weekend- and even then- she put it off to the medication - the drugs- he was on- and he would be just fine- the dr's told her nothing had spread to his head or stomach to which she took as fantastic news. He went in today for a consult and the news was bad- there is nothing else they can do- it is progressing too fast- its all happening too fast and nothing is going to help. And I thought- finally.- Finally someone has told them what for some reason I had known all along- I know that sounds awful but everytime I got off the phone with her I would be like Really? Does she really not see how bad this is? I know you gotta have hope I know that faith and hope and a positive attitude can get you through a lot of things. But there is one thing I do know- cancer is a tough mother fucker- and it takes more than a positive attitude to beat it- it is merciless and cruel and a bad to the bone son of a bitch and it grabs hold of some people and just rocks their fucken world- and sometimes in life you can prepare for things that are about to happen- and sometimes no matter how much you prepare- its going to punch you in the gut so hard it knocks the wind out of you- and that is what happend to the MIL today- a suckerpunch to the gut. And I don't know how to help her or make it easier- because it isn't and will not be ok- nothing about this is ok- and I am so not good at this shit- I want to run away and pretend this is all not happening. He hasn't much time. He knows it is over- he told her today he told her "I know this is the end" _ I cannot fathom it- I cannot comprehend how it would feel to know you are going to die and there isn't a fucken thing you can do about it- I think it is so fucked because they just thought he would go down this rough road and come out of it in the end a little worse for wear but ok- he never had time to accept it or go through the process- he just thought- she just thought- everyone just thought he would be ok- now what? Its as if he has been in a horrible car accident- unexpected- tragic- and now is on life support - thats what this is all like but it shouldn't have been like this- everyone should have started getting ready for this shouldn't they? But no, no, because they just thought he would be ok- he would beat it- I would like to speak to the dr's involved here- didn't anyone tell them there would be no happy ending? Were the drs just sugar coating everything? Did no one see this coming besides me? Surely they knew- surely they did- why did no one say anything??> I don't understand.

So now I have been left with the burden of telling my husband that his father is in hospital and very likely will never leave it- he is at work right now and does not know. And my children- my sweet precious children how shall I tell them? How will this effect their lives? This is their first real experience with death- - they came when my sweet uncle Jim died- and we talked about it- but because they had no real intimate connection with him I don't think it was real to them- yes they know he died- they know Nikki died- but papa- their papa - how is this going to effect them- what do I say? do I tell them now that it is going to happen? Do I wait until it happens? I don't know I don't know what to do I am so sad for them and CC too- I am sad for him I am because this was a father- a real father who was there for him his whole life- - there is no one else- he is his father's only son- his fathers only child- he has no brothers or sisters to grieve with- just his mother- and me. my heart aches for him and for the children.. I am not sure what to do- and I am not sure how much of this I can do- I just don't know .. I simply do not know what to do.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

SO SUE ME.....

Yes I am- and here it is now- the end of summer- the beginning of the school year and I have written nothing- well- can't change it now so let's move on shall we-

- The FIL was doing better - even went back to work- and then everything went to hell and he is fighting for his life again- very weak- "Superficial cancer" popping up all over the fucken place- chest- neck- stomach- its everywhere. I know it is bad- I have always known- I am not naive- I read- I know- I felt it- and now I see it- death- imminent- death- I can smell it off of him almost- - I see it in his eyes and it breaks my heart- and I know ain't nothing gonna be the same. This is going to be one of those life changing things- where everything and everyone around you will change- nothing is ever going to be the same- I am sad for my children- how much a part of their lives he was for so long- and now they don't see him - he, too impatient, too ill, too weak, to sad, too angry, too sick, too scared- Them- too young- to understand, to realize how bad it is- too young to know he doesn`t have much time and to be nice and kind and not make him upset or worry- them-- just too young...how terribly terribly sad.

- With respect to the above, I am horrible and selfish when I think of the future- the future without him- I think of the things that I will now be responsible for- the things he used to take care of that will now fall on my shoulders- I think of her- of how she will need me and how I don`t want to be needed- not for the petty things she will need me for- not for those things- but I will be expected to- it will become my new job- I have yet to live my life- I haven`t but for my children, been happy with my entire adult life - and I know that becoming her keeper- that becoming her taxi and confident and go-to-girl will just eat at me so much and i may implode from it- I hate myself for thinking any of these selfish things- I should be crying and begging god or whoever the hell is in charge of this shit to save him and to fix him- but I know he cannot be fixed. I know he is unfix able.. and besides- there will be plenty of time for tears- the tears will come regardless-right now I can only be angry for leaving us all -yes I know he hasn`t left yet- but he will and I am pissed about it.. not fair....

I am scared all of the time- I feel something inside isn't right- - my Dr thinks I am crazy- and almost had me convinced of it too- but no- there is something- and maybe it is just as simple as my body`s reaction to this medication I am on for my thyroid- coincidentally all of my `symptoms`started at the same time I started this pill- but my Dr thinks I am crazy no one has reactions like this- no one- but there is something- and I am positively absolutely terrified about it- and maybe because of the FIL it is scaring me more than it should- maybe I should just go with the flow- but I am scared that something is wrong- and if so- what will happen to my babies? What the fuck would happen to my children- my beautiful babies- I am their everything- we have no one- their father is useless- yes CC aka assmeat is still useless- better- but if I was not around- oh my god- if I was not here for my babies- ... I cannot even fathom... I cannot let myself think of that scenario-..

Have not spoken to my own mother in over a year. My sister asks if I would be sad or regret not talking to her if something were to happen to her- I don't think I would- I am just so done with it all- I am so finished - too much negativity- too much anger there on her part - I have much to be angry about- but I am not- I used to feel sorry for her- I used to do everything to give her a break- now I just don't care- I simply just don't care anymore...


An old friend of mine has cancer- funny- they ran into the FIL at the cancer hospital which is how we all found out- for some reason this friend and I haven't spoken since the beginning of the year and before that for 2 years since CC got out of rehab to be exact- Long story short- I think she wanted to leave us to start our new life without the interruption of her and her hubby`s drama and his addictions-cripes our new life only lasted 2 weeks.. but anyway ... she was so close with my kids- she came with me to bring the boys home from the hospital- she came to every Dr`s appointment- she was just always there- anyway at Christmas i thought enough is enough and sent her a Christmas card- she called and we talked for hours- we planned to get together- she said she would call me back- she didn`t- month later she calls and again we plan to get together- again- she was supposed to call and doesnt- I wash my hands of it`- Ì tried- I do not and will not ever beg for friendship with anyone or chase anyone... but now this- cancer---I know she is ok- they operated- she`s been going through radiation- but I struggle with the fact that she just dropped me like that- for years- but more so- my children- I know this has been a hard time for her- I know she must be scared- but I don`t know if I want to go back to that friendship- we passed by their favourite bar one day and saw him sitting there drinking away- nothing ever changes- I don`t think I want to go back to that friendship but I feel bad for her and I know she must be scared.... I will think about it some more... maybe send her a letter or something,,,

_Speaking of boozers... my dear sweet BFF`s husband is an alcoholic- and an asshole. Somehow blames me for their tumultuous marriage- he has issues- big time and some how it always comes back to me- I know he is jealous of our friendship- and because she would rather sit on the computer with me for 8 hours rather than have to sit with him for 1 but it is getting on my last nerve I tell you what and it will come to a head and soon we will have it out and he will not like what I have to say to him- that I gauran-fucken-tee... bring it MO FO I fucken dare you. I do have issue with my BFF saying a little too much to her drunk about me and my issues- I don`t talk to CC about her and her hubby`s issues and I dont think I like the drunk knowing mine- which he brings up when they fight- like because I do this or say this or don`t do that with my husband that he thinks that is why she is or is not doing or saying things etc- I shall have to speak to her about that- that is not cool with me- not at all.

- So yeah I am still fat- all the plans to be skinny by summer went to hell and back- no excuses but I do think the thyroid issue has quite a bit to do with it- my meds are not regulated because of the fact i am convinced it is causing me all these symptoms and pains and bullshit- so I am not taking as much as I should so I am sure that has a lot to do with it - but I also am not helping by exercising or anything so what do I expect So next goal- CHRISTMAS... there ya go...


My babies are in grade 3 now and I could just cry about it... time is slipping away so fast and I am trying so hard to appreciate and soak in every moment... I love them so much- they are my joy- my life- my every happiness- they are my everything.. and they are just so gosh darn funny- if you only could hear the things they say- they make me laugh every single day and for them I am so so thankful- so very grateful- I just love them so fucken much... See... I just got all veclempt just typing that - my love for them is so great it makes me weep .....

Ok on that note I am going to sign off and try and get back to this tomorrow.. this should give you a bit to think about `til then...