Money can't buy you happiness -MY ASS IT CAN'T!!!

So things around the homestead are slowly getting done- roof, windows etc- and though that should make me feel better, it does not. We took out a line of credit from the bank to cover the costs of all of this and the only thing I can think of is how this is yet something else that ties me to him. Just when I think- yeah you know what, maybe I can tolerate it, maybe I can get back what I used to feel- or at the very least, can I fake it enough and be happy enough with everything else so I can stay here and let my kids have a life uninterrupted by divorce and the complications thereof, he say something or does some or breathes and I know I cannot be here. I just cannot envision My life here with him forever- for all of the Christmas' where he participates in NOTHING. For all the Halloweens' where he won't even so much as give out candy or go tobogganing in the winter, come to school functions, be present and active at birthday parties- be willing to spend time with family without sulking in a corner with a beer and a smoke in his hand. And you know what, yes it will be sad for him- work your whole life and end up alone- work to support a family who loathes you- what a waste- what an utter waste- he will learn- he will understand one day how he threw it all away- how it all could have been so much more-
These children can probably only name one memory of their father being present in their lives and that is sickening... (mind you I cannot name one- mmmm just thought of that- so much for my kids not having the same life as me....) anyway I have so had it- and I know I have been saying this for years and I have meant it for years- I just have not seemed to be able to find a way out- and in the process I have lost myself- hiding behind food now so it seems- and the extra 40 pounds I have gained in 2 years- I am unrecognizable in so many ways and sometimes I think Oh yeah that will teach him- I will exercise and look so fucken good he'll be sorry- and then I eat a bag of chips or scarf down 2 chocolate bars and that all goes to hell. I guess the temporary fix of food makes me feel better in the moment and I'd rather feel better for a couple of minutes than hurt all the time like I do now. I don't want to be that person who desperately waits for those lottery numbers to be announced- thinking "if only" and hoping against hope that her knight and shining armour will come and find her and take her away from all of this.... sigh... how positively pathetic.....

WOW-INSERT REALITY SMACK HERE................................

Ok, so in the midst of my typing this rather long, self pitying blog, I get a phone call from the MIL which is odd because it is late (late for her being 9 p.m.)so anyway I answer and she is telling me how FIL is not feeling well and what should she do. She says he is dizzy and sweating like crazy and feeling nauseous. Now, this is a man with lung cancer - a man who has gone through chemo and radiation, and has been fine and now the cancer is back. This is a man who is starting chemo again on Monday to be precise and who has been coughing and not feeling great for a month or so. And what should she do?? mmmm... As I am talking to her- she screams, she drops the phone, I can hear commotion and crying and hysteria.. he has fainted, fallen, something- I hear her telling him to get back on the bed, and then she comes to the phone again only to start screaming for her mother to come in Hungarian- carrying on wailing *HYSTERIA*. Comes back to the phone again - tells me he passed out twice now and hit his head- should she call 911?? SHOULD YOU CALL 911??? WTF????? Needless to say she hangs up and calls 911- in the meanwhile I have told assmeat to get up and get the hell over there - I am trying to calm myself down- I am in panic mode and realize I have yet to get the kids in bed- so I start getting them in bed and MIL calls again telling me he seems fine now- and that he doesn't want to go to the hospital. Anyway I was like too f'ing bad- he's going- assmeat is on the way (obviously I did not refer to her son as assmeat- ha!)

So a while later assmeat calls and says the paramedics are there and they are checking him out- it all has something to do with him coughing and hitting a nerve or an artery- like the irritation from the coughing has irritated something else which in turn makes your blood pressure drop quite quickly and that can cause you to kind of pass out- but not really because apparently he was aware the whole time of what was happening not like when you faint and don't know what happened. So anyway they determine that is the deal and he doesn't want to go tot he hospital anyway so they tell him to call back if anything else happens and that was that. assmeat says he looks like someone beat him up- his face is all bruised up from hitting it when he fell etc. Cripes.. what a scare. And then I thought about it- there was my MIL crying and panicking, watching the love of her life being so sick and not being able to help or know what was wrong- and I felt the fear from her and heard the desperation - "please not yet" and yet here I am wanting nothing more than to, at 37 years old I might add- find the love of her life and get rid of this weight, this load on my shoulders and all the while fearing that if I do not do something and soon, I will be in the same position she is in now- but only I won't care and I will have to look after someone whom I loathe and the only escape from that will be death- whether it be his or mine.. OMG.. how fucken depressing is that????? I mean really, to be honest - I don't live each day in hell here- its not all fighting and carrying on- we are completely civil most of the time but there is nothing- no affection or anything at all I literally cannot remember the last time I slept with him- I really believe it is going on a year now- it has to be. I just keep plotting my escape- my freedom from him- my happiness- and it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere- I guess I am looking for a magic fix and I know deep down that ain't gonna happen- I am going to have to do something- I just don't know what to do- how will I support my babies and make it so they don;t have to go to daycare when anything could happen to them?? Uggggg I hate money -!! Money can't buy you happiness huh?? BULLSHIT!!!!

Ramblings of a lonely girl...

You know when you have one of those days where you have a lump in your throat and if someone were to say anything to you whether it be "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?" Or "Hello" you would just break down in tears? Well I am having a day like that and I have no idea why. Nothing has happened, and no, I am not coming on my period.. I am just so sad today. My heart is literally aching.. I just can't shake it. I just came back from wandering around a grocery store for 45 minutes only to walk out with a loaf of bread I didn't need. All because I didn't want to sit at home- alone.. thinking about whatever it is I am upset about which again, I really don't know... ho hum.. it's going to be a long lonely summer.

So you know how people say everything happens for a reason? Well, I don't think I really believe that to be true- and I think I have touched on this in a blog from forever ago- but anyway I do believe to a certain extent that everyone is here for a purpose- there is a reason for my being here and it is something significant. And no, by the way do I believe that the sole purpose of my being is to be a mother to these 3 babies (yes they are 7 but they are still my babies). I think I am here to be much more than that and I wish I knew what it was, I wish I aspired to be something. I know there is something greater in store for my life, our life (our meaning me and the kids of course) I really wish that there was some kind of sign- something to nudge me in the right direction.. I need something to change- everything to change- and I just need a little help getting started...

So if anyone knows something I don't- could ya please enlighten me??? Ya.. thanks so much...

If You Need a Laugh

Miss you...

Saw an old "friend" today and the first think I thought of was that I had to call Wendie (my friend who died in 2002) and tell her about it. That made me remarkably sad. I still to this day don't really believe she is dead. So much happened that she would have been a part of and I miss her so much sometimes. I miss her laugh most of all.

THEN

Wishes

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heartI'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it outI wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

Superchick