Question/Secret/Sadness

Have you ever been in a situation wherein you have been a part of some one's life for more than half of yours- and look at them one day and think- holy fuck- I don't even know you?! I find myself in this "predicament" and it is awful unsettling. Like I look at this person and think- who the fuck are you? I know nothing about you- everything I thought I knew about you is a lie or is something that I made myself believe to combat the reality of a given situation.. it's fucken wild, and sad, and stupid... all at once...

Insomniacs ramblings....

It's almost 3.m.- another night that I can't sleep. This is getting out of control. I am actually crying right now - like seriously. Yo know why I can't sleep tonight? Well, on Saturday, I am going to a wedding out of town, CC's cousin. And the other day the kids went for a play day at their friend's and I spent 3 hours in a store trying on dresses - trying to find one that didn't make me look fat or short or fat, and I finally thought I found one and then tonight I tried it on again, with heels, and it turns out it looks awful on me and I don't know what possessed me to buy it in the first place because I am not like that- I will not buy any thing just for the sake of it- not unless I really like it- but here I am - 3 days until the wedding, nothing to where and no opportunity to go out and try again. And the fact is that I hate dresses- I fucken hate them and the only ting I hate more than shopping for dresses is shopping for bathing suits and so anyone who knows me knows that I must hate it an awful lot. And so while I was trying to sleep, all I kept thinking about is how I was going to manage taking the 3 little ones with me to the mall tomorrow to find a dress without them running and hiding in racks or chasing each other up and down isles. And I already know that tomorrow night we have to go to find a suit for CC because he tried his on tonight and they don't fit- HA! At least I am not the only one, but still- we will all go, and I will pick them out for him and keep the kids occupied whilst he tries them on and then he will be good to go and I will be shafted as usual. And then I was thinking about the fact that I will be so incredibly tired tomorrow that I will be mean to them and it's not their fault, and the summer is almost over and I have not done anything with them - nothing meaningful, nothing that they can go to school in September and say Oh we did this over the summer- or whatever- worry worry worry.. that's all I seem to do now and it is literally taking over- I am always worried about something. I spent about 2 hours on the net tonight trying to define my body type and figure out the best style of dress to wear, the right color, the right shoes accessories etc- and why? Why the hell do I care about these people who I have met maybe twice in my life and that most I cannot stand anyway - why the hell do I care what they think of me and how I am dressed... that is so like the MIL.... sickening...

It's Almost Over

So the summer is so quickly coming to an end and I am not ready!!! Everyone keeps telling me "oh how nice it will be when the kids are back to school all day every day" well I don't think it will be so nice. I am not looking forward to it at all- not one bit- if I had it my way I would never have sent them to Jr Kindergarten 2 years ago and waited an extra year to put them in school- they are to young to go all day- they aren't ready- ok, ok I am not ready- and yes the time I will have will be nice- but that novelty will wear off very quickly I am sure- and then what will I be? What will I do? I am so scared for them- what if they have a mean teacher? What if there are mean kids in the class- what if they are hungry? No more snack time - they have to go out for recess in the big yard and their school goes up to grade 8!!! I am worried sick and scared to death for them and for myself... I am a mother- that is what I do- what will I do without them all day?? I will not cut the cord- I will not cut the cord- AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Ok, I know I am delayed in this review.. but I never get to watch movies and god forbid CC should take me to a movie or that we have anyone to watch the kids while we go anyway- BUT ANYWAY I finally saw Little Miss Sunshine last night (after staying up til 3 a.m. to watch it) and I would just like to say that I fucken loved this movie- and I am officially putting it on my favourite movies of all time list- what a great movie- just great- if you haven't seen it yet- do so...

That is all....

SECRET

I let my kids stay up as late as they want so I am not alone. Even though CC is not away, and my kids are with me all the time, I feel incredibly lonely all the time....