So the last week or so has been just awful- I set the date for little Nikki to get put down- January 30- as I was making the call and trying to convince myself it was the right thing to do- I cried uncontrollably to the poor secretary on the phone and then after I hung up I cried more. Someone said to me that day- everyone has to die- and I thought yes, that is true- but I am choosing her death which to me seems, I dunno harder somehow. I know she cannot tell me she is in pain or she doesn't want to go on, I dunno, I hate having to be the one to make this decision. I almost wish some mornings that I will find that she has passed away in her sleep- I am just sick about it...
On another note- things have gone from bad to worse with my FIL. As I have mentioned he has been going through months and months (literally since April 07) of testing to try and figure out what the heck is wrong with him- he is down to about 125 lbs or so which is crazy- he has withered away before our eyes. On Wednesday he got the results from the latest test he had done (CAT scan which he has had 2 others before this as well) and it is not good- they also did another scope and took a biopsy of something they found on the lung. They are 90% sure it is a tumour on the lung- to what degree or what stage we do not know. He meets with a lung surgeon on Wednesday (yes the same day Nikki gets put down) and I guess we will know more then. I think the world just fell out from underneath me then - my heart sank, my stomach hurt, my heart beat so fast I thought it was coming out of my chest. This cannot happen- this is unacceptable. I am not willing to accept this - after the initial shock and the tears and the questions and the anger- I felt this exhaustion come over me like nothing before- it hit me like a brick and I fell asleep almost instantly. It didn't last long though- I was up and down every hour or so- waking up from nightmares and convincing myself I had just dreampt it- its not real- it cannot be. I have all of these questions and I don't know what to do- and my heart hurts for my babies- they loved their papa so much- more so I think (shhh....) than CC - he has been more of a father to them and more of a husband to me- not in that way - you know helping me around the house and going everywhere with us- etc- anyway I know little Pickle cannot bare this- I know her little heart will not be able to handle this much sorrow- she has been quite distressed about the fact that papa hasn't been feeling well for so long- the kids have hardly seen him in months and it bothers her- she is so overly concerned that it's almost disturbing- like she is only 6- and she worries oh so much and yes she is dramatic- but she is just so deeply affected by everything I don't know what she will do.... I am scared for them and terribly sad.
CC is another story.. all these months I kept telling him that I had a bad feeling about his dad- that something real bad was going to come of all of this and just the other day before we knew the extent we do now, I freaked out on him and told him that he treats his parents like shit and always has and he better start being nice to his dad etc etc and I don't even know why I started saying all of that- but anyway he got all upset and started saying he has to start being nicer to everyone wah wah- anyway buddy- heard that before... I know is mean and sad but last night, after we found out he cried, and I think I have only seen him cry like 4 times in 17 years- I should have reached out and hugged him and held him and told him it would be ok- but I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I didn't want to comfort him - I felt like telling him- go- cry- you should feel bad and scared- go off and cry- I have no sympathy for you- I was just so pissed off at him. Today we went over to his parent's house and sat and talked and his mom kept crying and then I would see her cry and I would cry- and I just feel so fucken helpless I want to do something or stop it - and I cannot- I have to trust that the people with the power will fix him up the best they can and he will stay with us. He is more of a father than I have ever had- and I say this with selfishness: He cannot die because I still need him and the kids need him and life just isn't going to be the same with out him and I refuse to let him go- I am not going to let this happen- fuck that- he's not leaving me with CC and the MIL- he's the only other one who gets it- anyway I am just blabbering now- I am terribly sad and scared and I just wish I could curl up and sleep and wake up when he is all better... I hope I am strong enough for all of this-next week is going to be awful...
2 comments:
OMG Jen my heart aches for you guys. I know the sickening helpless feeling that you get when someone you love gets sick....all I can say is try and keep happy energy around him as much as possible. The kids need to see as much of him as they can (unless he hasn't the energy to see them which would be just awful). I know even when my dad is feeling like complete shit the kids can cheer him up, he wills himself for their sake...just watching yours play and be their funny selves will surely be welcome to your FIL too. Hang in there babe.
You are not alone Jenna. I know it seems like it, and that your world is caving in, but try and hang onto the fact that you are not alone.
You are a survivor, and just like you have always done what you need to do for your kids you will get them through this as well.
I totally get how much it sucks that you have to do it, but I know you will figure out a way to your inner strength.
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