I call Bullshit....

I don't mean to sound like a broken record- but I miss Dad like crazy. It is absolutely inconceivable to me that he is dead- That we will go through the rest of our lives never seeing him or talking to him again- that He is removed from the face of this earth- it is just fucken crazy to me- Still, the mere mention of his name brings me to tears- still the mere thought of him being dead makes me ill- and the realization of it all has not fully taken its toll I think, and truthfully, I don't think it ever will- it just seems to unreal- like this couldn't have possible have happened- there is no way he is dead and that he is not going to call any second and ask me to come and cut his hair or ask if CC has done this or that around the house - it just does not seem possible...

The New Year

Well, that's it- the kids' birthday is over, Christmas, New Years and even CC's birthday- over and done with- and I must say that this past 3 weeks has been a blur- literally- not because I was overly busy or anything- it just went by so incredibly fast and to be quite honest, I felt like I wasn't even here for any of it. I know weird right- but I feel like I was outside my body most of the time. and of course, I felt like something was missing- and he was- Dad was missing throughout all of it. I cannot even tell you how my heart aches. When someone dies, you feel so badly for the family- but you know what- you don't get it- you really cannot fathom the hurt and sorrow and sadness and longing- until you experience it first hand- you cannot know- but I know now- and it kills me- and it angers me and saddens me and horrifies me and scares me- I just want him back. sometimes, I still don't think it is real. I feel like maybe he has gone away on a trip- and will be home again- or he is still in the hospital- its all so fucked up... I just wish I could fix it all- and make all of our pain go away- I had the thought of going through the rest of my life without him- it is so unreal. The course of all of our lives have now changed because it will never be what it could have been because he is no longer here- its odd to think about isn't it? I mean really- his death changed so many lives- and the course of all of our lives- its fucked up... I miss him- I love him - and I hate that we spent Halloween without him, and celebrated the kids birthday without him, and had Christmas Eve here instead of at his house without him- and all the other things that follow- I hate it- Don't get me wrong though, I am also grateful. I am smoke free (still) and I am feeling pretty good these days and I have my babies and they are healthy and they love school this year and I am happy- and just so fucken thankful to be alive and well and have the people I love...I just wish he was here too....