The New Year

Well, that's it- the kids' birthday is over, Christmas, New Years and even CC's birthday- over and done with- and I must say that this past 3 weeks has been a blur- literally- not because I was overly busy or anything- it just went by so incredibly fast and to be quite honest, I felt like I wasn't even here for any of it. I know weird right- but I feel like I was outside my body most of the time. and of course, I felt like something was missing- and he was- Dad was missing throughout all of it. I cannot even tell you how my heart aches. When someone dies, you feel so badly for the family- but you know what- you don't get it- you really cannot fathom the hurt and sorrow and sadness and longing- until you experience it first hand- you cannot know- but I know now- and it kills me- and it angers me and saddens me and horrifies me and scares me- I just want him back. sometimes, I still don't think it is real. I feel like maybe he has gone away on a trip- and will be home again- or he is still in the hospital- its all so fucked up... I just wish I could fix it all- and make all of our pain go away- I had the thought of going through the rest of my life without him- it is so unreal. The course of all of our lives have now changed because it will never be what it could have been because he is no longer here- its odd to think about isn't it? I mean really- his death changed so many lives- and the course of all of our lives- its fucked up... I miss him- I love him - and I hate that we spent Halloween without him, and celebrated the kids birthday without him, and had Christmas Eve here instead of at his house without him- and all the other things that follow- I hate it- Don't get me wrong though, I am also grateful. I am smoke free (still) and I am feeling pretty good these days and I have my babies and they are healthy and they love school this year and I am happy- and just so fucken thankful to be alive and well and have the people I love...I just wish he was here too....