Last year at this time I had my family here at my home for Thanksgiving and he was at the Hospital spending time with dad- it was all very surreal- and still is- but I remember that day was fun- and I remember trying to do everything but think of the fact that dad was in the hospital and we were not going to be going to their house for Thanksgiving- and that we couldn't even send him a plate because at that point- eating was pretty much non-existent for him. A lot has changed in a year but yet so much has stayed the same except for one missing piece of the puzzle and that throws everything off- I mean everything- I miss him so much that it makes my stomach hurt- some days I still don't believe it or its like I almost forget and think when he call comes in from "mom & dad's" that its him on the other line instead of her.
This year I invited no one. No Thanksgiving here this time. We are going to their house today to celebrate Thanksgiving - it will be the first time in years because well, dad was sick for a couple of years before he passed and we couldn't do it- but everyone is coming. The house is up for sale now- and this will be the last Thanksgiving in that house, and it will break my heart. For that house to be gone it will take a little piece of me with it- for 20 years I "grew up" in that house. That house is the only one my kids ever knew as Nana and Papa's house- it is the closest thing to a childhood home I have ever had- and I will miss it because I see dad in every room- the paint on the walls the hardwood floors he installed the bar he built, his pool table- the pictures he hung- the fireplace ledge we would always sit on at Christmas, the deck I would find him sitting on feeding his friend chippy- and I know why she must sell it and get out of there- but selfishly I want her to keep it. I miss him and I wish he were here - I miss his laugh and how every time he did he would have to take his glasses off and wipe a tear from his eye- I miss him sitting at the head of the table- I miss he was the best male role model my kids ever have had or ever will have and I miss him getting a kick out of the funny things the kids say or do- I just miss him. I have spent the better part of the day crying- and now it is time to go there where he won't be- and be thankful - but I question that whole process- I am thankful- don't get me wrong- i am thankful for my babies and for my health and for just being a live- but I am not thankful he is not here- even if it does mean he is no longer in pain- I know that is awful- but I still wish he were here even if it meant he were still sick... I dunno - I just wish.....
so happy thanksgiving to all- hug someone you really love today and be thankful they are with you.....
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