LOCKJAW

The past month has been hard- sad, stressful - everything. I have clammed right up lately - keeping myself, for the most part, isolated- more than I already am. Trying to keep the illusion that everything is fine- dealing with my well meaning- but annoying as hell in-laws and trying to live day to day as a single parent without the benefits of being single. Not that I would have the time to do anything anyway- but still, I would have the choice. Things came to a head with CC a week or so ago- found out he was off to the casino a half a million times pissing away hoards of money we do not have (thanks to the cash advances on Visa). So I had it. Didn't speak to him or take his calls for days- literally would not answer my phone either cell or home for days (no, no call display) In case it was him. I just had nothing to say, still don't really, but I have started answering my phone again.
I turned 35 and it nearly broke me. Back again to that mentality that I have done nothing with my life and I am fat and bored and yet cannot get up an ounce of motivation. Sad about my uncle, angry about not having enough time or money to do anything. Trying to plan Christmas and the triplets party and fit in everything else. Calculating endlessly in my mind how much money I need for this and that and having $200.00 in my pocket that I got for my birthday and having a plan for what I was going to do with it- and ending up paying the visa bill with it- again, THANK YOU CC! I am just rambling and changing the subject aimlessly I know, but I have a mess of shit in my head and it is just coming out as it will. So for the past 3 or 4 days I having been spewing with thoughts- I have also noticed that I have been literally gritting my teeth for days now- 24/7. I guess that is my new thing- I woke up this morning after only a couple of hours sleep (here we go with that again) and my jaw is so sore- my teeth are aching I must have been gritting them so hard last night... sigh... It's just never going to stop- everyone tells me not to worry about this or that but it is my obsession- I must worry about something- and when I am not, then I am worried about not worrying. I know there has got to be something to worry about- Like for example- along with everything else I worried about right this second, I am also worried about an outing we are taking on December 27th! Me, the triplets and my 2 nieces are going to Disney on Ice with my mother and whoever else. And I am worried about that- They want to take the go train, and I am worried about that- How can I handled 5 kids in a busy place like a train station alone? What if one of them has to go to the bathroom? What if my mother is her regular bitch self and ruins it for all of us as she is so infamous for doing? Why did I agree to go? I am dreading it and worrying about it already. And I am worried about it a month in advance. Brutal. Also, just so you all know, I suck and the whole whoopdee doo about quitting smoking went to absolute hell in a handbasket- I was good for a week- and then it all went awry. Whatever- I will deal with that later- but how can I leave that for later? How can that not be my first priority? I am so stupid- I know it's the worst thing ever- and look at my poor sweet uncle- and yet I keep doing it- so weak- I am so weak. And this whole exercise thing- what the hell? Oh I had a plan- good intentions- and the bottom line is I got no moxi- I got nothing- Just a flat blob- who sits around praying for a miracle of some sort- win the lottery to buy my freedom- magically wake up and won't want to smoke again- hey win the lottery and buy me a new body! Dumb- lazy- stupid... I just don't get it. When I was trying to have children- I worked so hard for so long- no, not having sex - just everything- whatever had to be done was done- dr's every day, injections, drugs, bloodwork- everything. And when one way failed, I tried the next and nothing stood in my way- nothing- everyone told me to stop, not to put myself through it anymore- but I couldn't, I wouldn't I kept pushing on- what happened to that me? The one who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted? What happened to that me? Where did she go?