Listen to your whispers

*This is something I wrote years ago- before the last time he got caught- I guess subconsciously I knew- I always knew-



You said I was the one.
You told me unequivocally-
You swore it before God-before everyone we knew.
Aren't I now the fool?
Aren't I the gullible one?
Aren't I now alone?
I am angry
I am saddened.
I am hardened by life's cruel sense of humor.
I am alone.
I still reach for you in bed;
yearning to feel your heartbeat
how that used to soothe me.
I make too much coffee
I am not used to drinking alone.
And I keep buying your favorite foods.
Now even my cupboards are a constant reminder.
You left your cologne when you went.
I want to call you and tell you
But I spray it on my pillow
So I won't forget your smell.
But I hate you.
Sometimes, I even wish that you were dead.
I am furious that you wasted so much of my life,
I am angry because I never loved anyone more,
And I am sad because I may never again.

A CONVERSATION WITH PICKLE

This is a conversation with my almost 5 year old daughter as I am tucking her in tonight

ME: " Why are you wearing your clip on earrings? You don't need to now because you have real ones."

PICKLE: "So I can remember Daddy- Is he not going to live here anymore?"

ME: "I Don't know honey"

PICKLE: " But what happened to your love?" (I swear to God- this is the drama queen remember)

ME: "It's because Daddy doesn't love me anymore"

PICKLE: "He hates you?"

ME: "Yeah, I think he does"

PICKLE: " Is it because you yelled at him on the phone? I heard you yell at him on our way to dance class?" (My heart sinks and I start to cry)

ME: "No baby, Daddy just doesn't love Mommy anymore"

PICKLE " I still love you Mama"

And then I almost loose it and kiss her quickly and run out of the room. I am sure what I said to her wasn't right- but what am I supposed to say- God knows what I want to say - but I can't do that to them even if he is an asshole.

I WISH I HAD A RIVER I COULD SKATE AWAY ON...

I'm finding it hard to breathe- I feel fuzzy inside and like I am not in my own skin. I am holding back tears of anger and sadness and fear- and vomit is sitting at the back of my throat, waiting for the right moment to break out. My world came crashing down around me last night- and even though I knew in my heart that something was going down, I thought maybe this time I was wrong, or over-thinking even though the little whispers that kept coming to me kept getting louder. And he made me feel crazy- he made me think it was all in my head and I was jealous and had too much time on my hands but all along something told me differently. Something told me - and even though I didn't necessarily want to face it- last night I had no choice- I don't feel like re-hashing it all right this second, long story short, CC Has a girlfriend whom he ran off with last night- and never came home - got his friends to lie- all of which I called them on- and well- last night was our triplets' birthday party- he hurriedly drove him from there and dropped us off, and that was it- he was gone to meet "friends" I knew it I knew in my heart it wasn't right- something wasn't right- and so again, I was right- so he called this afternoon (after I had tried calling him about a hundred times and he ignored me and after he didn't bother to come home or anything ) while I am on the way to our daughters Christmas ballet recital with all 3 of them in tow, with all of this swimming in my head, drowning me- and he calls and says "I'm sorry" Sorry for what? Sorry for fucking around? For getting caught? For lying? For being a fucken dick? For not coming home or calling? What the fuck are you sorry about? So I didn't even let him speak- I told him to come and get his stuff- I told him to get out of our lives for ever and to never look back- I told him I hated him and how he ruined me and how I will never ever forgive him for as long as I live and that he ruined our children's lives and that this will effect them forever and that he will be- just as my father is- a lonely bitter old man who has no one because he was so fucken selfish and heartless his whole fucken life and made his children suffer for his own needs and wants- I told him to get his shit and get the fuck out of my house and I hung up- and then I had to suck it up and enjoy a Christmas recital of my beautiful little girl who will never truly know what a fucken asshole her father is and how much of my life I made excuses for him and looked the other way and how I was only with him the last 5 years because of her and her 2 brothers and how stupid I am for letting it all happen again- I should have gotten rid of him the last time when the babies were still young enough that they wouldn't have remembered him anyway- I should have found a way then and things would be ok now- I should have and I didn't and now what the fuck are we supposed to do? I haven't worked in 5 years- I have no one except my in-laws who both work that can be any sort of help with the kids. I am going to loose my house. The only house my babies know. He already doesn't have a job- so what the fuck now? What the fuck am I supposed to do now with my babies. The school year os not even half way over- and Christmas is coming- and their 5th birthday - and Christmas is coming.. I just don't know what to do- where to start- how to feel, where to go -
even though I hated him anyway and didn't want him home- I can't help but to feel humiliated and stupid and hurt and sad and scared-Anger is the first thing to deal with I guess- how can someone do that? How can he do it? What gives him the power to make me feel like this and to do this to our children? How can you do this to your babies?

I have to go now, I haven't cried yet- and as I have been typing this, the flood gates have opened. I can't let my babies see me cry- what am I supposed to tell them?

I AM

I AM semi-silently loathing him.
I AM always tired.
I AM still awake at 2 a.m.- again.
I AM trying to sort things out in my mind.
I AM not going to wait for things to get better this time.
I AM going to loose weight.
I AM going to quit smoking.
I AM going to take better care of myself.
I AM going to be nicer to me.
I AM going to enjoy the holidays with my babies.
I AM not going to let him ruin it like he always does.
I AM not going to be taken advantage of by anyone anymore.
I AM not going to stop making lists for everything over and over.
No I'm not.
I AM worried about 16 things- right this very minute.
Sigh...