Insomniacs ramblings....

It's almost 3.m.- another night that I can't sleep. This is getting out of control. I am actually crying right now - like seriously. Yo know why I can't sleep tonight? Well, on Saturday, I am going to a wedding out of town, CC's cousin. And the other day the kids went for a play day at their friend's and I spent 3 hours in a store trying on dresses - trying to find one that didn't make me look fat or short or fat, and I finally thought I found one and then tonight I tried it on again, with heels, and it turns out it looks awful on me and I don't know what possessed me to buy it in the first place because I am not like that- I will not buy any thing just for the sake of it- not unless I really like it- but here I am - 3 days until the wedding, nothing to where and no opportunity to go out and try again. And the fact is that I hate dresses- I fucken hate them and the only ting I hate more than shopping for dresses is shopping for bathing suits and so anyone who knows me knows that I must hate it an awful lot. And so while I was trying to sleep, all I kept thinking about is how I was going to manage taking the 3 little ones with me to the mall tomorrow to find a dress without them running and hiding in racks or chasing each other up and down isles. And I already know that tomorrow night we have to go to find a suit for CC because he tried his on tonight and they don't fit- HA! At least I am not the only one, but still- we will all go, and I will pick them out for him and keep the kids occupied whilst he tries them on and then he will be good to go and I will be shafted as usual. And then I was thinking about the fact that I will be so incredibly tired tomorrow that I will be mean to them and it's not their fault, and the summer is almost over and I have not done anything with them - nothing meaningful, nothing that they can go to school in September and say Oh we did this over the summer- or whatever- worry worry worry.. that's all I seem to do now and it is literally taking over- I am always worried about something. I spent about 2 hours on the net tonight trying to define my body type and figure out the best style of dress to wear, the right color, the right shoes accessories etc- and why? Why the hell do I care about these people who I have met maybe twice in my life and that most I cannot stand anyway - why the hell do I care what they think of me and how I am dressed... that is so like the MIL.... sickening...