FALL ON YOUR KNEES.....

Ok so briefly I will update you on the chaos of my life. 2 weeks almost to the day that Curly and Pickle came down with the chicken pox, Little man did as well and with a fucken vengeance I tell you- he got them twice as much as Pickle and three times as much as Curly.. it has been awful- and Little Man is not like the other 2- not a good patient... and that's all I have to say about that. We missed going to my dear Shell's for her towns Christmas parade and a day of Christmas crafts and well, just being with her.. he missed CC's work Christmas party. I ended up taking the other 2 whilst CC stayed home with him-poor dear.. Hopefully by Thursday he should be ready to go back to school and then my 22 day run of being home bound and constantly with at least one child will be over and I can get back to my routine- my sad, lonely boring routine.. but you know what right now I will take that any day over looking after another child with chicken pox- fucken A.

So despite my set backs of late and not starting off the "holidays" as I wanted and not being able to start shopping or decorating or anything else, I am trying desperately to get into the Christmas spirit- to somehow overdo and make up for last year- anything has to be better than last year. And here I find myself typing this blog when I should in fact be cleaning the rest of this basement which I put on my list of things to do today and which at this point has not been completed and which I cannot cross off my list- I should be doing another load of laundry- which is also on my list, or a hundred other things- but I am sitting here - stalling I guess- I am wiped out emotionally and physically just wiped- I have given every ounce of patience and nurtured and comforted all I can and I am tired- anyway so here I sit listening to Christmas music while I waste away the hours and wonder why I am so tired in the morning.

Anyway speaking of Christmas- I will tell you what- O HOLY NIGHT has got to be I think my favourite song of all time. Not just Christmas songs- all songs. I have every version of any person who ever sang this song from Celine Dion to Cartman from South Park. I am not a religious person ( no really?!) but this song just gets to me. I can any day, any time of year put this song on and it always does one of 2 things to me- makes me cry- like sob- down from the pit of my stomach bawl or gives me an overwhelming sense of calmness and peace. It's that one part especially that gets to me- that some can sing with such power and conviction it sends chills through me- "Fall on your knees... hear the angel voices...." fuck I love that part.

Tonight, it makes me cry. Tonight, I think about how so many Christmas' past have been filled with such sorrow and hurt- and wonder if this year somehow it will be different and if I can live up to my expectations of it all- tonight I wonder what lurks around the corner for me because surely something will happen to unravel me again. Surely I will find myself broken, and crumpled in a ball on the kitchen floor crying from the depths of my stomach and feeling that ache in my heart just like so many Christmas' before. It always makes me wonder why I love Christmas so much- so many terrible things have happened at Christmas- enough to turn ya off completely - but I have hope that one day it will be my magic Christmas- we'll see...


Anyway- I better get back to work. Tomorrow is another day and the days go by so quickly- how the hell is almost the end of November already anyway ? WTF?