Unreal

When I wrote my last post- I didn't know how quickly things would happen. I knew- I think I have known more than anyone- that my FIL's time was short-I have been confused at the lack of concern- at the hopefulness everyone else seems to have been relying on all of this time. I thought maybe the MIL was putting up a front- I thought she knew how bad it was but was just acting like he was going to be ok for our sakes. But no- she truly really believed he was going to be just fine. He was in the hospital twice this past weekend- and even then- she put it off to the medication - the drugs- he was on- and he would be just fine- the dr's told her nothing had spread to his head or stomach to which she took as fantastic news. He went in today for a consult and the news was bad- there is nothing else they can do- it is progressing too fast- its all happening too fast and nothing is going to help. And I thought- finally.- Finally someone has told them what for some reason I had known all along- I know that sounds awful but everytime I got off the phone with her I would be like Really? Does she really not see how bad this is? I know you gotta have hope I know that faith and hope and a positive attitude can get you through a lot of things. But there is one thing I do know- cancer is a tough mother fucker- and it takes more than a positive attitude to beat it- it is merciless and cruel and a bad to the bone son of a bitch and it grabs hold of some people and just rocks their fucken world- and sometimes in life you can prepare for things that are about to happen- and sometimes no matter how much you prepare- its going to punch you in the gut so hard it knocks the wind out of you- and that is what happend to the MIL today- a suckerpunch to the gut. And I don't know how to help her or make it easier- because it isn't and will not be ok- nothing about this is ok- and I am so not good at this shit- I want to run away and pretend this is all not happening. He hasn't much time. He knows it is over- he told her today he told her "I know this is the end" _ I cannot fathom it- I cannot comprehend how it would feel to know you are going to die and there isn't a fucken thing you can do about it- I think it is so fucked because they just thought he would go down this rough road and come out of it in the end a little worse for wear but ok- he never had time to accept it or go through the process- he just thought- she just thought- everyone just thought he would be ok- now what? Its as if he has been in a horrible car accident- unexpected- tragic- and now is on life support - thats what this is all like but it shouldn't have been like this- everyone should have started getting ready for this shouldn't they? But no, no, because they just thought he would be ok- he would beat it- I would like to speak to the dr's involved here- didn't anyone tell them there would be no happy ending? Were the drs just sugar coating everything? Did no one see this coming besides me? Surely they knew- surely they did- why did no one say anything??> I don't understand.

So now I have been left with the burden of telling my husband that his father is in hospital and very likely will never leave it- he is at work right now and does not know. And my children- my sweet precious children how shall I tell them? How will this effect their lives? This is their first real experience with death- - they came when my sweet uncle Jim died- and we talked about it- but because they had no real intimate connection with him I don't think it was real to them- yes they know he died- they know Nikki died- but papa- their papa - how is this going to effect them- what do I say? do I tell them now that it is going to happen? Do I wait until it happens? I don't know I don't know what to do I am so sad for them and CC too- I am sad for him I am because this was a father- a real father who was there for him his whole life- - there is no one else- he is his father's only son- his fathers only child- he has no brothers or sisters to grieve with- just his mother- and me. my heart aches for him and for the children.. I am not sure what to do- and I am not sure how much of this I can do- I just don't know .. I simply do not know what to do.