Yes I am- and here it is now- the end of summer- the beginning of the school year and I have written nothing- well- can't change it now so let's move on shall we-
- The FIL was doing better - even went back to work- and then everything went to hell and he is fighting for his life again- very weak- "Superficial cancer" popping up all over the fucken place- chest- neck- stomach- its everywhere. I know it is bad- I have always known- I am not naive- I read- I know- I felt it- and now I see it- death- imminent- death- I can smell it off of him almost- - I see it in his eyes and it breaks my heart- and I know ain't nothing gonna be the same. This is going to be one of those life changing things- where everything and everyone around you will change- nothing is ever going to be the same- I am sad for my children- how much a part of their lives he was for so long- and now they don't see him - he, too impatient, too ill, too weak, to sad, too angry, too sick, too scared- Them- too young- to understand, to realize how bad it is- too young to know he doesn`t have much time and to be nice and kind and not make him upset or worry- them-- just too young...how terribly terribly sad.
- With respect to the above, I am horrible and selfish when I think of the future- the future without him- I think of the things that I will now be responsible for- the things he used to take care of that will now fall on my shoulders- I think of her- of how she will need me and how I don`t want to be needed- not for the petty things she will need me for- not for those things- but I will be expected to- it will become my new job- I have yet to live my life- I haven`t but for my children, been happy with my entire adult life - and I know that becoming her keeper- that becoming her taxi and confident and go-to-girl will just eat at me so much and i may implode from it- I hate myself for thinking any of these selfish things- I should be crying and begging god or whoever the hell is in charge of this shit to save him and to fix him- but I know he cannot be fixed. I know he is unfix able.. and besides- there will be plenty of time for tears- the tears will come regardless-right now I can only be angry for leaving us all -yes I know he hasn`t left yet- but he will and I am pissed about it.. not fair....
I am scared all of the time- I feel something inside isn't right- - my Dr thinks I am crazy- and almost had me convinced of it too- but no- there is something- and maybe it is just as simple as my body`s reaction to this medication I am on for my thyroid- coincidentally all of my `symptoms`started at the same time I started this pill- but my Dr thinks I am crazy no one has reactions like this- no one- but there is something- and I am positively absolutely terrified about it- and maybe because of the FIL it is scaring me more than it should- maybe I should just go with the flow- but I am scared that something is wrong- and if so- what will happen to my babies? What the fuck would happen to my children- my beautiful babies- I am their everything- we have no one- their father is useless- yes CC aka assmeat is still useless- better- but if I was not around- oh my god- if I was not here for my babies- ... I cannot even fathom... I cannot let myself think of that scenario-..
Have not spoken to my own mother in over a year. My sister asks if I would be sad or regret not talking to her if something were to happen to her- I don't think I would- I am just so done with it all- I am so finished - too much negativity- too much anger there on her part - I have much to be angry about- but I am not- I used to feel sorry for her- I used to do everything to give her a break- now I just don't care- I simply just don't care anymore...
An old friend of mine has cancer- funny- they ran into the FIL at the cancer hospital which is how we all found out- for some reason this friend and I haven't spoken since the beginning of the year and before that for 2 years since CC got out of rehab to be exact- Long story short- I think she wanted to leave us to start our new life without the interruption of her and her hubby`s drama and his addictions-cripes our new life only lasted 2 weeks.. but anyway ... she was so close with my kids- she came with me to bring the boys home from the hospital- she came to every Dr`s appointment- she was just always there- anyway at Christmas i thought enough is enough and sent her a Christmas card- she called and we talked for hours- we planned to get together- she said she would call me back- she didn`t- month later she calls and again we plan to get together- again- she was supposed to call and doesnt- I wash my hands of it`- Ì tried- I do not and will not ever beg for friendship with anyone or chase anyone... but now this- cancer---I know she is ok- they operated- she`s been going through radiation- but I struggle with the fact that she just dropped me like that- for years- but more so- my children- I know this has been a hard time for her- I know she must be scared- but I don`t know if I want to go back to that friendship- we passed by their favourite bar one day and saw him sitting there drinking away- nothing ever changes- I don`t think I want to go back to that friendship but I feel bad for her and I know she must be scared.... I will think about it some more... maybe send her a letter or something,,,
_Speaking of boozers... my dear sweet BFF`s husband is an alcoholic- and an asshole. Somehow blames me for their tumultuous marriage- he has issues- big time and some how it always comes back to me- I know he is jealous of our friendship- and because she would rather sit on the computer with me for 8 hours rather than have to sit with him for 1 but it is getting on my last nerve I tell you what and it will come to a head and soon we will have it out and he will not like what I have to say to him- that I gauran-fucken-tee... bring it MO FO I fucken dare you. I do have issue with my BFF saying a little too much to her drunk about me and my issues- I don`t talk to CC about her and her hubby`s issues and I dont think I like the drunk knowing mine- which he brings up when they fight- like because I do this or say this or don`t do that with my husband that he thinks that is why she is or is not doing or saying things etc- I shall have to speak to her about that- that is not cool with me- not at all.
- So yeah I am still fat- all the plans to be skinny by summer went to hell and back- no excuses but I do think the thyroid issue has quite a bit to do with it- my meds are not regulated because of the fact i am convinced it is causing me all these symptoms and pains and bullshit- so I am not taking as much as I should so I am sure that has a lot to do with it - but I also am not helping by exercising or anything so what do I expect So next goal- CHRISTMAS... there ya go...
My babies are in grade 3 now and I could just cry about it... time is slipping away so fast and I am trying so hard to appreciate and soak in every moment... I love them so much- they are my joy- my life- my every happiness- they are my everything.. and they are just so gosh darn funny- if you only could hear the things they say- they make me laugh every single day and for them I am so so thankful- so very grateful- I just love them so fucken much... See... I just got all veclempt just typing that - my love for them is so great it makes me weep .....
Ok on that note I am going to sign off and try and get back to this tomorrow.. this should give you a bit to think about `til then...
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