PHASE ONE- ACCEPTANCE

So I broke the news to CC about his father. It was not pleasant- he cried- I cried while I was telling him but at no time did I go over to comfort him. At no point did I reach out to hug him or hold him- I just let him sit there and cry- I felt sorry for him leading up to our conversation, but once I started talking to him I felt sad for me, for dad- not for him- I had no sympathy for him at all- not an ounce- he treated his parents like crap- and I wanted at some point to scream out- SEE! I told you one day you would be sorry for being an asshole to him! And here he is.. I just felt nothing- I was almost just mad you know- just so mad at him I could punch him in his face... And it occurs to me that it is gone- every single ounce of everything I ever felt for him is gone. And even if- even if he becomes a better man because he is loosing (or when he loses) his father, even if he becomes everything he was supposed to always be or becomes this great guy- this fun, kind, caring, selfless person- it won't matter- it won't matter because the damage is done- too much has happened- he has done too much too me said too little to be able to fix this- it is over - and I feel that from every inch of my being. This is no longer me just being mad and regretting and "what if'ing" - this is me- knowing there is nothing there- nothing left- and there never will be ever ever again. This is of course not to say I haven't known this for some time now- I have not slept in the same bed as him for almost 2 years (I sleep on the couch) and as for actually sleeping with him- its got to be at least a year- yeah, at least a year...and that one time was probably all there has been for two or so anyway - he's probably doing someone else here and there- and I sadly don't care either way - I just don't like him- I really just don't. And sometimes I would get that little glimmer of Oh, if only he were like this all the time.. but that soon fades and its like cripes I don't care if is or not- still don't like him. Now I have to figure out how to get out of this- how am I going to get out of all of this and live my life- I have to start making a plan- I have to start getting a plan for finances and so on- that is the only thin holding me back- isn't it always though- fucken money- ....I wish I had parents I liked- I wish I could call up my mother and say it's over.. I'm coming home. But I have never had a mother to count on like that or that I liked for that matter- and god knows I have never had a home to go home too- so there goes that- it's gotta be me- this has all got to be me now- I have to do something ...