Things are bad- again,or shall I say- still. CC seems to now be in the denial haze. Thinking maybe this is just how it is when people are going through chemo. Maybe he'll bounce back..no- there is no bouncing back from this. I have now become the voice of reason- the rational one who is trying, with grace, to tell him this is the end- there will be no bringing him home. He has changed so much - obviously his physical appearance is ghastly, but mentally some days he isn't there- one minute he is scared, the next quiet, the next seeing things- its terrible. Even if -and I say this without truly believing it is possible, but even if he was to bounce back from this- he would never be the same- the person he was is no longer there when you look in his eyes- that sense of humour is gone- its just empty now. I haven't yet seen him- I told CC about that documentary I have watched a few time about cancer patients dying and I described the look they have and that is the look his dad has now- he says he is skin and bones- looks like he's been in a concentration camp- its eating him alive. I do feel sorry for CC- I see that desperation in his eyes I think these last few days he has realized that his dad isn't going to be around much longer. I don't know if he can bare it- his father is the only person I have ever seen him cry over. He never cried when we lost all the babies- he never cried when our babies were born or when he first saw them on the ultrasound- he never cried when we almost lost pickle- On our wedding day when he said his speech- he never cried at the joy of our union- or when he talked about me- he cried when he mentioned his parents- when he thanked his dad for everything. He cried when they found out it was lung cancer- and he has cried almost every single time he talks about him-I wish I could fix it all- I wish I could make all of this go away- I wish I wasn't turning in to the kind of person who can look at someone and think "It should have been you" but I am I finding myself doing that a hundred times a day- like why not him or her or that one- why dad? I don't get it- this fucken cancer shit is the plague- why is it everywhere- why can't they do something more? Why is it popping up all over his body? How much more can he take? Does he want to? Has he had enough? does he even know what is going on? Anyway... I am sad, and I wish I could wake up from this dream now, I don't like it...