The End is Near

Everything seems to be happening rather quickly. Discussions of palliative care have already happened- He was supposed to come "home" last week after the final round of radiation- and nursing would be arranged- but then he collapsed while trying to get up from the washroom and that plan went to hell. I haven't seen him yet since he went into the hospital- I have spoken to him on the phone many times but last I saw him was when he was still at home- weak, and skinny, but still at home- I have not been. I have no desire to - I cannot bare it- but I know that will be something I will have to do probably sooner than I am ready to. My heart absolutely breaks at the thought- what it must be like for him to know -to not have any control. He must be begging God. He must be begging for more time- I know I would be- even if I didn't believe. I would beg anyone who would listen- Please, please- I am not ready, I don't want to go- I want to stay- I'll do anything...I want to see my grandchildren grow up- I want to smell the fall air again- I want to see the blue sky, feel the cold, eat ice cream- hear music- be here for one more Christmas, one more New year- one more birthday, one more week- one more day- I'll do anything... Cripes.. I would be begging. I am going to miss him so much that it makes my heart literally hurt- an ache so strong that I have scared myself the last few days; convinced I am having a heart attack or something. I just cannot imagine how it is going to be without him here- I really cannot. All the little things mostly- Halloween is coming- he was always here for Halloween - they always came and we would take the kids around. He always came for Halloween. I have the children to "hide" behind right now- they are saving me from having to face this head n really- "Oh Jenni has to be there for the children, she can't come" And my poor Sweet baby girl- she will be devastated- just the mere thought of it makes her cry- I have started dropping hints- talking about it as if it is now a possibility- I have to as much as it hurts me I have to start- I have to - There is to much to think about. I think about this kind of stuff all the time- I have been waking in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning every night and I must have been thinking about him because when I wake up that is what I start thinking about and then I cannot fall asleep again sometimes for hours. I am afraid to close my eyes - but yet every single time I wake up in the morning I have to remember that this is all real- everyday I wake up in denial. Everyday. I have changed my opinion somewhat of CC- I do feel sorry for him- I do- I still do not comfort him- but I feel bad for him- this is his daddy after- all and after he is gone he will be it- he is his father's legacy and I think he is afraid he will not measure up- maybe it all too late for that- I think he is just thinking as that little boy inside of him not wanting his dad to go- he's too young- he's supposed to stick around and bitch and moan that CC doesn't do anything or be here to remind him to change the filter in the furnace or all the other things he reminded (or hounded rather) him to do... yes, I do feel bad for him- nothing is ever going to be the same again... Ok... my eyes ache from crying... today was a bad day- maybe tomorrow will be better- too much to think about - Thanksgiving this weekend- having my whole family over- I wonder if this is the right thing to do..