Wish You Were Here

I wanted to be able to come on here and blog about how great things are going, about how things have changed and how I have hope again. But sadly, I have nothing new to say other than the fact that my premonitions of the MIL and her demands and needs have come true, that the changes in CC directly following his fathers death have all but vanished.. blended into the assholishness of him... Does that make sense? The asshole in him has sucked all the goodness that started shining through and ate it.. absorbed it. And also that I am still fat and have done nothing to change that...

So no, Dad dying hasn't made him better- for a while yes- but back to the same old thing. CC doesn't drink anymore-not really anyway. About a month or two ago he got drunk and was sick for like 2 weeks after- felt awful and so he says he'll never drink again. But you know what, I don't even care- that really hasn't been an issue and honestly- it isn't what made him an asshole- it just made him a different asshole- so either way it makes no difference..

So what else.. oh yes did I mention he hasn't worked since October? Oh, no? I didn't tell you that huh? well wait now- he left work (and rightfully so) when Dad got real bad- and after Dad died, he got a job offer but it was literally a week after and he was in no condition to go to work ('nuff said) and then of course Christmas snuck in there and he always seems to get laid off like right before that so there was no work to be found- and then well, next thing you know its the new year, and now February. He did get 2 weeks and a day in at one place and has something lined up for March 15 (ahhh the Ides of March-- great) but as for right now nothing- nothing- and more of nothing. So what has he done since he's been home? Let's see if I can compile a list for you. Oh yes there is the time he... oh wait now, no that was me.. oh but then there was that one time he... ohhh nope I am thinking of someone else.. oh I know I know he's done NOTHING!!!!!!!! Yes that's it fucken nothing- however he has been at his mother's house every fucken day doing this or that - changing light bulbs and clearing out this- replacing that- moving this- so I guess I can't say he hasn't done anything- he just hasn't done anything here. I suppose he thinks he is justified when he sits on the couch for days on end because well you know he had to do that thing at his mothers. They do seem to go to the casino an awful lot though- Yes, he seems to be able to get up and take her to the casino every weekend without question or comment- he's not losing money- sometimes makes a hundred bucks or so- but really? Is that all there is to do? I suppose so. And I say nothing- because that is usually the only time he is out of the house for any length of time and I just need him not to be here sometimes because seeing him sit on that couch day after fucken day makes me feel sick..

Speaking of, if I have to hear him cough one more time today I am going to gouge my eardrums out with a sharp object. He has the most annoying cough of anyone in the world and btw refuses to quit smoking even though he promised his dad on his death bed he would quit and his dad asked him a million times to quit when he was so sick and he said he would and we all gave him the grace period after dad died to help him cope- and really quitting while you are at home and not working would be easier that when he is at work where everyone smokes- but no- he says he wants to enjoy life... whatever - he is a selfish fucken prick and doesn't understand (even though he has just experience the same fucken thing) what an effect it would have on the children if he died- he doesn't care that his kids would have to go through what we just did- he knows how hard it is- but he doesn't care- fucken selfish- I guess the difference is that his dad was a GOOD DAD- and he is a shit dad- so maybe it won't affect the kids as much anyway- I have no respect for people that willfully put their own lives at risk - dad wanted to live and if he could take back every cigarette he ever had to give him one more month- or week or day- I know he would have- and then there are people like CC and people like Thelma's mother who almost died who struggles to take a breath most of the time but can still smoke however many smokes a day- people like that who have no regard for their lives- and people like dad who wanted to live so much- ... makes me mad- and sad... All I know is that I will be here for my babies- I will not leave them..

I miss dad very much- I could cry- still every time I talk of him. I look at pictures all the time. I go back and watch videos trying to hear his voice. I am so thankful I am such a shutterbug and took so many pictures- or any pictures for that matter; CC's side of the family definitely lacks in that area for sure. I am so glad that I would call him and ask him to come with me when I would take the kids somewhere cause I know CC wouldn't go- I am glad my kids have memories of that too. I hate that he isn't here anymore- and sometimes I still don't believe it- sometimes I cannot wrap my mind around it and that makes me mad and terribly terribly sad- I wish he were here to talk some sense into his stupid son- I wish he were here to finish my kitchen cupboards that CC started almost a year ago and hasn't touched since, I wish he were here to see how well the kids are doing in school and how pretty Pickle is and how tall Curly is finally getting. I wish he was here to see Little Man's drawings. I wish I could make him a rainbow cake- and sit with him on the swing while he listened to the stories I would tell him about the kids.. I just wish he were here..