Merry fucken Christmas

So things just get better and better. The kids have just gotten over a week of hell- Stomach flu- I cannot get the smell of puke out of my nose no matter how I try- poor little darlings. It was a bad week. We went to my mother's for a photoshoot- all the grandchildren in one room having a photo done- it could have been worse- my mother fucked up as usual though and all the kids missed out on the town's events for the day - it was Santa day and all of these things were going on- and after the pictures were done my mother fucked off somewhere and we missed everything- anyway- whatever- oh but wait- it gets better- on the way home Curly pukes all over the place- covered- everything- it was just awful- thank God my sister was with me or I would have been alone on a gravel road trying to clean it all up and calm Pickle down (she was more upset than anyone)- anyway it was quite an eventful ride home. So now that the sickies are all better, we have been getting ready for Christmas in our own way- I have had my tree up for a couple of weeks now, trying to get myself out of this slump I am in- it always makes me feel better although the process of getting the tree up was a disaster. Too long of a story to go into- you had to be there really- should have had my camera going- I should have known.. What else? Oh, yes, CC is still a fucken asshole. The other night he gets off work early- goes to a bar and stays up all night drinking - so much so that at 8:00 p.m. the next day, when he should have been at work already, he is still up, pissed drunk so when his sick daughter calls him crying because she wants her daddy- she can't even understand him and he has no recollection of her ever calling- FUCKEN LOOOOOSER! So he basically lost 2 days of work- all for what? For a drunk- what a fucken looser- And god knows what else he has been doing- I could just throw up- I would like to say that I regret ever meeting him- but then I wouldn't have my babies- I couldn't bring myself to say that- - but only for that reason. I have to do something to get out of here- or keep him out... on that note- Oh, things can't be worse you say?? Oh yes, yes they can.. guess who got laid off last night? Come on, one guess... job's done.. no more work- guess who will be home this weekend? For good.... my stomach hurts. I don't want to go back to sharing space, air, anything with him again. This whole time he has been away has made me realize completely that I don't need him first and foremost- well of course I need him to work that is about it- but also that I don't want him- not at all, not the slightest bit. He has done nothing- other than of course donating his sperm- which exactly all it was, to make my life any happier- I just sit back and think about all of the things he has done that has caused me detriment or sadness or stunted my happiness. I think about the way things should have been all of this time and it wasn't and even though I tried to convince myself I didn't need any of those things (not material things)- I did and I should have had them and I deserved to have them and he is so fucken selfish he couldn't look past himself or his needs or wants to give them to me. I was thinking the other day about how I was going to come up with the money to buy him his Ipod for Christmas- and then I thought about how many times I would be on him about him spending so much money and where it was all going and he would give me these bullshit stories about how he had been saving up money to buy me something special and that he had the money and now I had ruined it and he just wanted to surprise me and on and on- and all the while there was nothing- no gifts, no nothing I can't even tell you how many times he did that too me and each time I believed him and felt badly for accusing him of pissing away money- and each time I was right.. anyway that has no relevance really, I was just thing about it the other day- just shows you what kind of character he has... So yeah, he is officially out of work again- this is about the same time last year when everything went to hell and it put us in such a spot- one that we still haven't recovered from- it has only gotten worse and of course with all of the money he has pissed away since he has been away- well, we are so fucked it isn't funny- thank god I have finished shopping for birthday and Christmas for my babies- all the kids really- everyone else can go to hell- including him. And I am so pathetic that every night I pray and pray to please just let me win some money so I can get out of here - get far far away from him and his lies and his bullshit- just get away and not feel like I am held here as a prisoner- me and my babies far far away....