I'm finding it hard to breathe- I feel fuzzy inside and like I am not in my own skin. I am holding back tears of anger and sadness and fear- and vomit is sitting at the back of my throat, waiting for the right moment to break out. My world came crashing down around me last night- and even though I knew in my heart that something was going down, I thought maybe this time I was wrong, or over-thinking even though the little whispers that kept coming to me kept getting louder. And he made me feel crazy- he made me think it was all in my head and I was jealous and had too much time on my hands but all along something told me differently. Something told me - and even though I didn't necessarily want to face it- last night I had no choice- I don't feel like re-hashing it all right this second, long story short, CC Has a girlfriend whom he ran off with last night- and never came home - got his friends to lie- all of which I called them on- and well- last night was our triplets' birthday party- he hurriedly drove him from there and dropped us off, and that was it- he was gone to meet "friends" I knew it I knew in my heart it wasn't right- something wasn't right- and so again, I was right- so he called this afternoon (after I had tried calling him about a hundred times and he ignored me and after he didn't bother to come home or anything ) while I am on the way to our daughters Christmas ballet recital with all 3 of them in tow, with all of this swimming in my head, drowning me- and he calls and says "I'm sorry" Sorry for what? Sorry for fucking around? For getting caught? For lying? For being a fucken dick? For not coming home or calling? What the fuck are you sorry about? So I didn't even let him speak- I told him to come and get his stuff- I told him to get out of our lives for ever and to never look back- I told him I hated him and how he ruined me and how I will never ever forgive him for as long as I live and that he ruined our children's lives and that this will effect them forever and that he will be- just as my father is- a lonely bitter old man who has no one because he was so fucken selfish and heartless his whole fucken life and made his children suffer for his own needs and wants- I told him to get his shit and get the fuck out of my house and I hung up- and then I had to suck it up and enjoy a Christmas recital of my beautiful little girl who will never truly know what a fucken asshole her father is and how much of my life I made excuses for him and looked the other way and how I was only with him the last 5 years because of her and her 2 brothers and how stupid I am for letting it all happen again- I should have gotten rid of him the last time when the babies were still young enough that they wouldn't have remembered him anyway- I should have found a way then and things would be ok now- I should have and I didn't and now what the fuck are we supposed to do? I haven't worked in 5 years- I have no one except my in-laws who both work that can be any sort of help with the kids. I am going to loose my house. The only house my babies know. He already doesn't have a job- so what the fuck now? What the fuck am I supposed to do now with my babies. The school year os not even half way over- and Christmas is coming- and their 5th birthday - and Christmas is coming.. I just don't know what to do- where to start- how to feel, where to go -
even though I hated him anyway and didn't want him home- I can't help but to feel humiliated and stupid and hurt and sad and scared-Anger is the first thing to deal with I guess- how can someone do that? How can he do it? What gives him the power to make me feel like this and to do this to our children? How can you do this to your babies?
I have to go now, I haven't cried yet- and as I have been typing this, the flood gates have opened. I can't let my babies see me cry- what am I supposed to tell them?
2 comments:
Cry in front of your babies if you need to, they can handle it. I can still remember when I found out my first husband had cheated on me. I was stitting on the floor, in a corner of my kitchen, sobbing into a dish towel. My then three Y/O son came over, put his arms around me, and told me, "It will be okay mommy." Eventually it was. I am holding you up Jenna.
I've always thought of my mother to be "invincible" I never saw her cry in front of us as a child. I've learned now that she wanted she was protecting us from the hurt and pain she felt. I wish my mother had been more open to me. Now as an adult, I see that I too cannot cry in front of people. It's a cycle that has to break. Yes, be strong for your young ones but don't be afraid to cry in front of them. As Patty said, they can handle it.
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