TAG YOU'RE IT!

Ok I was tagged again- I really have a tough time writing facts or odd things about myself- I don't know why but I can never think of anything- so bare with me this is probably going to be boring....



The Rules:*Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.*Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.*Players should tag eight other people and notify them that they have been tagged.



1. I am very much a homebody. Even as a kid I was like that- I would get "sick" every time I had a sleepover and have to go home. I would rather be home than anywhere else in the world. It's weird because especially when I was a kid- things were so bad- and we lived in the worst places- people's basements, trailers- seedy hotels- and I would still rather be there than any where else- alone mind you- but still "home".

2. I am lazy. I mean I really am. I try to justify it but telling myself that I deserve a break- but I am lazy- like now for example- my house is a mess and laundry needs to be done and yet I am sitting here typing because I am too lazy to clean. I waste time and start projects just to avoid cleaning or doing something I should be doing. I suck.

3. I don't cook- I hate cooking. If not for CC's grandmother making a meal for us once a week- my kids would really not eat home cook meals. I do taco nights and spaghetti nights- but I have never like made a roast beef dinner or a sit down all- four- food -groups meal for them- I just don't have it in me- I hate it so much.

4. I put too much energy into stupid things- this kinda goes along with my laziness point above. Like things that don't really matter or that won't be appreciated or remember I will put incredible effort into- and go all out- but yet- maybe it's just to avoid doing other things...

5. I have always wanted to play guitar or piano- I bought a keyboard once and hundreds of music books and put the stickers on the keys and everything- but I just can't do it- I mean I am so unco-ordinated it's almost silly- but I really wish I could play- I would love to be able to sit a a piano and play something- my dad tried to teach me once when I went down to Florida to visit- I know how to play part of a prince song because of him... now that I think about it- that is one of the very few memories I have of him and I - and I was probably 15 or 16 at the time....anyway- not a rock star...

6. I hate having people over at my house. family- I can deal with. But I am not a House party person- I hate hosting anything or being responsible for making sure people are comfortable when they are here because the whole time I am not comfortable. I mean it really irks me and I don't know why- I hate it- I am the worst- I forget to offer drinks or food or anything- I am just awful- I think maybe I am just territorial or something- but I just don't like people here- just stay away- stay away- if you knock we will pretend we are not home!! HA!


7. I have a very intense phobia about spiders and webs- I mean like the fear paralyzes me to the point (some of this may sound familiar to some of you) that I won't go outside at night because of it. I am terrified when I walk out y front door in the morning that I will walk through a web- I usually walk out the door swinging something in front of me in case there is a web there because if it touches me I will surely die- and have the heebie jeebies all day about it and look like a nut-case twitching and itching all day...

8. I have never shaved the top part of my legs- the thigh I mean- I do have hair there- but it is blond and sparse- I don't know if it is because I am lazy- but I think more so because I just don't see the point- if it's not thick black ugly hair coming in- why would you do that do yourself? Us women have enough to do don't ya think?Why would you go through all of that? Am I wrong? Is this normal? See, I don't even know if I am wacko or if there are others "like me" out there.....


Ok that is all I have in me for now... I am going to tag Moe, Debbie and I will have to check to see who hasn't already been tagged by Patty to see who else.. stayed tuned...

CC's THEME SONG

Ok loving this song.. it should be his theme song...



Better Than Me

I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
While looking through your old box of notesI found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said it's over
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the endI really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me)

YAWN....

Ok so I am not sure where to start. Not that anything remarkable has happened- but i hate that I let my blog go without updating it and then I have got so many thoughts I don't know which one to start with. Ok I will just start typing and see what comes out....


So CC update- I am sure you are all curious... Things are weird- I am starting to get that feeling of loathing him back again. The honeymoon of his "recovery" and his slip and his second "recovery" are all but over. The only difference that has remained is that with the children. And I tell myself I can live with it- that if he is good to the kids and taking an active part in their lives and they are happy with him- that I can hold out- I can sacrifice my own happiness so that they can have a dad in their lives but I know that is stupid and I deserve more and in the long run it will be better for the kids - but I just don't know what to do. I have been going about my own life basically- went out (and even slept over) on the weekend to Shell's to an 80's birthday bash for her cousin and had a great time.. it was fun- we dressed up in our old 80's gear and everything... I'm making plans to get together with old school friends c/o facebook thank you very much and just not worrying about him- just going on with things and living life and enjoying my kids..

This morning I had a breakdown- I mean just out of nowhere I am sitting out having a smoke (yes, still smoking) and started crying. It's all going by too fast- it's all happening way too fast and I can't slow it down- the kids are getting older and growing up waaaay too quickly- they are going into grade one in September- it's all just happening too fast.. I hate time...

I am worried constantly. Everything is falling apart- I mean literally- we need a new washer- mine leaks out all over every time I do a load. My van is screwed up ( a known problem by GM that after a certain amount of time the manifest intake gaskets let oil leak into your engine!- and they never recalled- of course I didn't know this when I bought the van) anyway probably about 2 k to fix- all the windows in my house are fucked- my front door is fucked- my back deck looks like shit and is probably going to fall apart- the driveway needs to be paved looks like shit- it's just all piling up- and of course i worry about this shit every day- and then there's the money issue- CC's union has been striking all over the place and he is probably next- lovely... I didn't get to sign my kids up for any activities for the summer- I didn't have the money at the time- of course you have to register kids in February or March for any summer shit around here and I just didn't have it at the time so there is no baseball no soccer no nothing- my poor kids...

Worry worry worry..

NEW LIFE

So on Friday me and the three little pigs went to my BFF S's house to celebrate her birthday and her daughter's. We had a good day- I always feel so refreshed when I am with her- just to sit and talk and laugh- she has the best laugh- and I know that it is always genuine you know. Anyway we had a great day and we ended up staying the night. We had a "campfire" and it was so late so we stayed over. S and E and I ended up staying up until 2 a.m. watching a DVD I put together of me and S. from years past. Most of it was from 1990- before CC - we went to "visit" my father in Florida and almost literally spend the entire week locked up in my Dad's apartment making videos- because at the time I didn't have a video camera (not like now or for the past 10 years where it has been permanently affixed to my hand). Anyway it was the greatest week ever and that video of us- 18 years old- was just the greatest thing- we seemed so much younger and so silly- but so happy- and we made each other laugh so much - We, just as we still do today- fit so perfectly together- we know what the other is thinking and laugh about the same things- anyway although it was kinda sad watching it (this was all well before S's disease started and she could walk) it put a warmth in my heart and I dreamt about it all night... Anyway I just love her so and I don't know what I would ever do without her. Anyway I saw Patty's post today and I laughed because just like her little baby birds- S had a nest of baby robins on the shed in her back yard so I will show some pics of that- all brand new and fuzzy and sweet.. we figured out the baby's were born on S's birthday- May 15th- so she has adopted them as her little babies... just precious.. new life.. cant beat that...

SECRET/SADNESS

Everyone thinks I am such a good mom- I get that all the time. They call me "supermom" and "mother of the year" and "the best mother I know" etc etc. But I am not. I am so far from the best mother that it is scary- and sad. My kids don't like me most of the time. Pickle always comments when I am "nice". Like she will say (in her own dramatic way) " mmm... you're being pretty nice right now. " or " I like it when you are nice mommy." And what kills me is that I try- I really do try. And I know mothers are almost always under appreciated and their kids never know just how much their mom's do for them- from the smallest things- and I do a lot for them- things they will never know about or possibly ever appreciate- but I am not a good mother- and the saddest part is I know why I am not- and I try to put everything else aside- but I let it overwhelm me- and I take it out on them. I don't hit them or anything- but I am not a good mother and I am scared to death they are going to be like me or him for that matter- and it will be because I didn't stop it- I let things go, I said too much, I said too little, I turned the other way- I blocked things out- could have would have should have things to death- I am not a good mother- and I should be. And one day- they will hate me for it....

Ok, Ok I'm back.....

Ok I know, it's been a while. I think I am going to do a series of posts rather than put all the info into one long long post- So here- as my first post is the explanation as to why I have been MIA for so long. It started with Pickle getting sick, which then was passed to Curly- then I had a couple days rest and then Little Man got it- and then to top it off, Pickle got it again and by Mother's Day I had Little Man in the hospital- so that was a two week period- and then, literally after getting home with Little Man from the hospital where he had 4 mask treatments, I came down with it- and I had it bad. I can honestly say that I have never ever been that sick before in my life- I mean it knocked me on my ass for 3 days and lasted a good week- Monday morning came and I literally could not get out of bed- I couldn't send my kids to school because I could not physically get up. It was awful- at night's I lied and cried because I felt so bad. I mean I don't often get sick (unlike my younger days) and when the kids get it- I usually don't and if I do, I can suck it up and go on with things no matter how shitty I feel- but this time- this time it got a hold of me and kept me down- it was awful- just dreadful... but I am happy to report (and I mean FUCKEN HAPPY) that I am feeling good again and hope I never have to feel that way again ever ever ever ... so there ya go- nothing dramatic really or exciting- I was just sicker than sick can be - so there ya go... ok throughout the night I will continue posting and update you all on the happenings of my ridiculous life....

FIRST GRADUATION.....MANY MORE TO COME- I HOPE

PICKLE is the funniest! Can you stand it??

OK I could just smack them all- I got the proofs back from their graduation photos and they are so cute I can't stand it- Just amazing....

CURLY has trouble smiling on command!

Gotta love the thumbs up poses!

"WE SAW NATURE"

Ok so on the weekend, it was nice so I took the kids to our most favourite free places to go. We call it the Chipmunk Park but its like a conservation area and there are thousands of chipmunks that will come right out and eat out of your hand. We go quite often in the summer- this was out first trip out there this year- I think the baby chipmunks were still hibernating because we didn't see too many- but we saw "nature" as the kids call it and it was a fun afternoon with them...
This is Little Man- and if you look close you can see a little Chipmunk taking a peanut from his hand...