YAWN....

Ok so I am not sure where to start. Not that anything remarkable has happened- but i hate that I let my blog go without updating it and then I have got so many thoughts I don't know which one to start with. Ok I will just start typing and see what comes out....


So CC update- I am sure you are all curious... Things are weird- I am starting to get that feeling of loathing him back again. The honeymoon of his "recovery" and his slip and his second "recovery" are all but over. The only difference that has remained is that with the children. And I tell myself I can live with it- that if he is good to the kids and taking an active part in their lives and they are happy with him- that I can hold out- I can sacrifice my own happiness so that they can have a dad in their lives but I know that is stupid and I deserve more and in the long run it will be better for the kids - but I just don't know what to do. I have been going about my own life basically- went out (and even slept over) on the weekend to Shell's to an 80's birthday bash for her cousin and had a great time.. it was fun- we dressed up in our old 80's gear and everything... I'm making plans to get together with old school friends c/o facebook thank you very much and just not worrying about him- just going on with things and living life and enjoying my kids..

This morning I had a breakdown- I mean just out of nowhere I am sitting out having a smoke (yes, still smoking) and started crying. It's all going by too fast- it's all happening way too fast and I can't slow it down- the kids are getting older and growing up waaaay too quickly- they are going into grade one in September- it's all just happening too fast.. I hate time...

I am worried constantly. Everything is falling apart- I mean literally- we need a new washer- mine leaks out all over every time I do a load. My van is screwed up ( a known problem by GM that after a certain amount of time the manifest intake gaskets let oil leak into your engine!- and they never recalled- of course I didn't know this when I bought the van) anyway probably about 2 k to fix- all the windows in my house are fucked- my front door is fucked- my back deck looks like shit and is probably going to fall apart- the driveway needs to be paved looks like shit- it's just all piling up- and of course i worry about this shit every day- and then there's the money issue- CC's union has been striking all over the place and he is probably next- lovely... I didn't get to sign my kids up for any activities for the summer- I didn't have the money at the time- of course you have to register kids in February or March for any summer shit around here and I just didn't have it at the time so there is no baseball no soccer no nothing- my poor kids...

Worry worry worry..