So I should tell you that I have quit smoking- oh yes, for good, I am done with it- I am finished. I had "quit" several times since last October, but always managed to have a drag here or there or just have one or two smokes a day. And then FIL was diagnosed. And I quit- but then I would still have one here or there and I just couldn't shake it. So in June- I got terribly sick- I mean I was so sick I was scared. Any other time I had gotten a chest cold or whatever I would find myself smoking more believe it or not- being sick would cause me to smoke more than I would whether I was wheezing or coughing or whatever. But this time, this time I was dreadfully ill- pneumonia. At the point I finally gave in and went to the dr's it was already almost week 3 I think of the illness. The dr. said had I come in at the "height" of it they probably would have hospitalized me.. lovely. Anyway, I was so sick I didn't smoke- I wore a patch for a few days but I found the patch was making me crave still because I was still being fed the nicotine. So I forwent the patch- toughed it out and I am happy to say that I am a non-smoker and even though stress-wise I have had a million reasons to pick one up again- I have not- not even a drag - nothing. So yee ha for me!! On the other hand- quitting smoking has lead me to gain at least another 10 pounds... I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life- (haven't I said that before?) but at least I can work that off- you can work off cancer right? And yes I am mortified about my weight right now- but its something I can change so I am trying to be positive about it... trying.. trying very hard...

Sadly, (try and figure this riddle out) Pickles' husbands' grandmother- whom I have grown to know quite well, is terribly ill as well. Seems she was having dizzy spells, and figured it was vertigo or something weird- she ends up finding out she has lung cancer that has spread to the brain.... I heart aches. Pickle's husband is so so so so close to her- she lives with them as well and they are like two peas in a pod- how awful. And yes, a smoker she is... another reason never to touch them again.... So we have had my "Son-in-law" over a lot to try to give his mom a break and to give him a bit of fun. His mom is 8 1/2 months pregnant by the way- a baby they have tried for almost 7 years to have- it was all very exciting- but now sadly that joy seems to be lost in the sadness and the inevitable. Heart breaking.

So I have become, (maybe I always was) absolutely paralyzingly terrified of death. I mean truly. It is all around me. And I am scared to death. I convince myself that because I still am not feeling 100% since I quit smoking 2 months ago that surely I have cancer or some other ailment and it is just a matter of time. What scares me the most about it is my babies. what would they do? Leave them with assmeat?? (Oh, that is my new name for CC- no, nothing has changed) I cannot even fathom their lives with him and without me. I am getting veclempted just thinking about it now. Just before I quit smoking I got a physical- which surprisingly was ok- nothing bad except for the fact that I have a very under active thyroid and now am on thyroid medication for the rest of my life- boo hiss- but other than that chest x-ray cholesterol, blood pressure- everything fine. BUT- they never saw anything in my FIL's chest x-ray either nor in my son-in-law's grandmother and both of them have lung cancer !!!!! So what do you do??? Even though I don't cough or wheeze anymore like I used to- I still feel a bit congested- like all the time- and I am so so scared....

Well, I think I have written enough today- all very depressing too wasn't it? Oh well.. I'll find a happy memory from the summer and write about it later... I know I have got some ... yeah, there has to be some .... let me work on that ...

THE RAY OF SUNSHINE

So with all the sadness I have been feeling about the loss of my uncle, and all the other crap that has been going on (Oh!! I still have yet to tell you what else happend!! Stay tuned for that) I neglected to tell you about how grateful I am- My FIL has been doing well!!! He has undergone months of radiation and Chemo and actually- this coming Thursday, he will be getting the results of the latest CAT scan. I can tell you he has gained a ton if weight back, he can talk again and has been feeling really really well!! The last check up he had was great in that the tumours had shrunk signifiganty!! So they did another round of treatments and so that is what this next appointment will be for- to see if he needs further treatments or if he is OK for now- its truly a miracle it really is- he is not out of the woods yet - I know that - but he has just done so well and is feeling so much better- he's even talking about going back to work!! WHAT>????? I am just grateful for the time and for his health- for now- for today- for this minute- I am grateful...

THREE LITTLE BIRDS

My little lambs are 6 now- almost 7 and going into grade 2 in a couple short weeks. I am having a hard time with the fact that they are getting older and I often find myself watching their baby videos and getting teary-eyed because I know that time is past and I can never get it back- anyway they are all doing well- Little Man is now taking Electric Guitar classes! Yes can you believe it?? Hilarious- he likes it too and he's pretty good at it considering he has just started and I am certainly not musically inclined - so he started from scratch literally- So he's had a half dozen lessons or so and is doing well and so- we've got ourselves a rock star!! This summer, Curly decided to play soccer- let's just say it isn't his thing-we'll try something else next year.... Pickle is taking cooking classes!! She's gone to about 6 0r 7 classes and she just loves it- the only thing about that is the fact that she knows what goes into things now- so she is not as eager to try something once she knows what's in it- anyway she likes it- so whatever...

So the summer has flown by sadly- and the weather has been awful so we haven't done all that much- last month my sister and S and their families and mine went to Yogi Bear's Jelly Stone park for a 2 day camping trip- wasn't what we expected and it was cold and damp- but I think the kids liked it ok- and we have some activities coming up for the next couple of weeks that should satisfy them- CNE, Ontario Place, movies, a get together with my Auntie and my cousins for a day O fun, and of course another trip up to Auntie S's.. so we're good- I just wish it didn't go by so fast...

WHERE TO BEGIN....

Ok.. I have much to say so I will just start with whatever and go on as I please.. bare with me..

So my uncle died- yes, my dear sweet Uncle passed away from cancer- it was quite sudden in that he was fine for so long and then it was like one day he wasn't and it all went so quickly after that. I am terribly sad about it- and I will miss him horribly. My Auntie Ann and Uncle Jim were like the parents I never had- so to speak. Their place was the one place in the entire world where I could go and feel completely, utterly at home and being in their company meant I felt love. I know that sounds cheesy- but its true- unconditional love beamed from their every pore. I feel terribly sad for my Auntie- I know she will be sad for a while and I am sure incredibly lonely- I cannot imagine the love of your life for your entire life no longer being there- but I have vowed to myself that I will not let a month go by without seeing her or talking to her- and not because I feel sorry for her- but because I truly love her with all of my heart and want her to be a part of my life all the time- not just at holidays. So there you go- I had a dream that I started a club for her and I and my cousin and my sister and that every month we get together and have a game night- so I think I am going to suggest that and that we should make it a monthly thing- I think it will be fun and I think we all need each other and need a fun night like that- so anyway I will suggest it and see what happens- I know they will be on board-

Anyway - I really don't even want to talk about it anymore because I am still quite sad about my uncle- I really am- my heart hurts to think about it - and I have cried a million tears over his loss but yet it doesn't seem to take away any of the hurt- or sadness-anyway I don't want to appear to be too dramatic about it - I bet it is surprising to some that it affected me so - but it did...