So I should tell you that I have quit smoking- oh yes, for good, I am done with it- I am finished. I had "quit" several times since last October, but always managed to have a drag here or there or just have one or two smokes a day. And then FIL was diagnosed. And I quit- but then I would still have one here or there and I just couldn't shake it. So in June- I got terribly sick- I mean I was so sick I was scared. Any other time I had gotten a chest cold or whatever I would find myself smoking more believe it or not- being sick would cause me to smoke more than I would whether I was wheezing or coughing or whatever. But this time, this time I was dreadfully ill- pneumonia. At the point I finally gave in and went to the dr's it was already almost week 3 I think of the illness. The dr. said had I come in at the "height" of it they probably would have hospitalized me.. lovely. Anyway, I was so sick I didn't smoke- I wore a patch for a few days but I found the patch was making me crave still because I was still being fed the nicotine. So I forwent the patch- toughed it out and I am happy to say that I am a non-smoker and even though stress-wise I have had a million reasons to pick one up again- I have not- not even a drag - nothing. So yee ha for me!! On the other hand- quitting smoking has lead me to gain at least another 10 pounds... I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life- (haven't I said that before?) but at least I can work that off- you can work off cancer right? And yes I am mortified about my weight right now- but its something I can change so I am trying to be positive about it... trying.. trying very hard...

Sadly, (try and figure this riddle out) Pickles' husbands' grandmother- whom I have grown to know quite well, is terribly ill as well. Seems she was having dizzy spells, and figured it was vertigo or something weird- she ends up finding out she has lung cancer that has spread to the brain.... I heart aches. Pickle's husband is so so so so close to her- she lives with them as well and they are like two peas in a pod- how awful. And yes, a smoker she is... another reason never to touch them again.... So we have had my "Son-in-law" over a lot to try to give his mom a break and to give him a bit of fun. His mom is 8 1/2 months pregnant by the way- a baby they have tried for almost 7 years to have- it was all very exciting- but now sadly that joy seems to be lost in the sadness and the inevitable. Heart breaking.

So I have become, (maybe I always was) absolutely paralyzingly terrified of death. I mean truly. It is all around me. And I am scared to death. I convince myself that because I still am not feeling 100% since I quit smoking 2 months ago that surely I have cancer or some other ailment and it is just a matter of time. What scares me the most about it is my babies. what would they do? Leave them with assmeat?? (Oh, that is my new name for CC- no, nothing has changed) I cannot even fathom their lives with him and without me. I am getting veclempted just thinking about it now. Just before I quit smoking I got a physical- which surprisingly was ok- nothing bad except for the fact that I have a very under active thyroid and now am on thyroid medication for the rest of my life- boo hiss- but other than that chest x-ray cholesterol, blood pressure- everything fine. BUT- they never saw anything in my FIL's chest x-ray either nor in my son-in-law's grandmother and both of them have lung cancer !!!!! So what do you do??? Even though I don't cough or wheeze anymore like I used to- I still feel a bit congested- like all the time- and I am so so scared....

Well, I think I have written enough today- all very depressing too wasn't it? Oh well.. I'll find a happy memory from the summer and write about it later... I know I have got some ... yeah, there has to be some .... let me work on that ...