MISTY WATER COLORED MEMORIES.....

So here it is almost 12:30 a.m. and I have worked my ass off today- Like seriously I haven't stopped and even though I still had a million things to do, the kids had swimming and Nana and Papa wanted to go to the mall afterwards and get the kids ice cream and walk around - I went , I complied, even though the whole time I was gritting my teeth and thinking about how late I would be up tonight finishing all I had to do when if I didn't go, could have saved me a good 3 hours..... anyway there's me again- not opening my mouth when I should.... c'est dommage..... So I am just on a smoke break- and yes, I am smoking in the house- LOOK AT ME_ SMOKING IN THE HOUSE- I DARE ANYONE TO SAY A WORD ABOUT IT! I'm in the basement and my kids are 3 floors up- oh yes yes, smoke does rise.. but you know what- tonight I don't fucken care- tonight I am tired and in tears just thinking about all I still have left to do and I am thinking how fucken tired I am of doing it all alone, always.... Anyway the fact is, that my baby girl is moving into her own room- which up until this point, she has shared one with her 2 brothers- It is time for her to have her own little girl's room and fuck what a room it will be! Yes, perhaps I am living vicarioulsy through her what with the purple room and the canopy bed we got her- but fuck it- let me live through my little Pickle... she'll love it - I just know it- So anyway all of my hard work today has been clearing out the room which will be hers- and tomorrow morning Papa is coming to help me rip up the carpet so we can lay her new floor and I can finish painting. Problem being is, before the babies, that was my junk room, after the babies, it became the junk room, craft room, computer room, extra storage room etc etc... Then the basement was done so all the stuff that was not staying in the basement went in there- and there was a fuck of a lot... so the point is- it's like almost 3 rooms full of stuff in one room that I now have to find a home for.. talk about a fucken pain in the ass.. and then of course there is the fact that - that room is full of memories, not like the room itself like oh I do this or that in this room- but boxes, and folders and everything else full of memories.. so I find myself stopping to read this journal entry or that letter or this email I have saved, and the cards people gave me and the year books and photo albulms and so as you can imagine- this whole process has taken me a million years because I have to relive everything and read it all- and oh how terribly sad it all is... First and foremost that my little lamb is going into a real big girl bed in her own big girl room, how can she be old enough yet? How did it pass me by so fast? Anyway then there's all the things I have been reminded of in this process as well, all the things I must now pack away because there is no room to keep a million pictures out or notes I wrote to friends at work or school- and I hate the fact that I can't just go and grab it and read stuff like that when the mood hits- I did it when I was clearing out the first bedroom while I was pregnant with the kids, and I remember doing the same thing- sitting there for hours reading, remembering, crying too- but I knew it would all be in a nice box in the next room or in the basement and I could go and read and cry whenever I wanted- then when the basement was done the same thing- sitting in that cold basement for hours pouring over mounds of papers- and now here I am again but this time, it will be stowed away in the garage somewhere, unreachable, until who knows when.. it may sound gay to you- but it's just my thing - I love and hate doing that - but sometimes its good to submerse yourself back into the memories again and remember the way it once was before someone calls out MOMMY! HE HIT ME! or WHAT'S FOR DINNER? .. anyway I don't hate my life at all- I just miss my old one a lot... does that make sense?? Anyways, on top of everything else, tomorrow early early I have to bring my van in to get an oil change and to get my driver's side window fixed which for months now hasn't worked and now my air conditioning has stopped blowing cold air- so in this heat the past few days it has been inbearable- my poor sweltering children in the back.. so that will probably cost me a million fucken dollars and I am so afraid of getting ripped off because really -it could be something like so simple and they could tell me otherwise and I will pay out the money because fuck- what do I know right? Fucken guys.... anyway I better get back to it- the longer I sit here the more I don't want to go up and finish... I just want to throw myself down on the floor and kick and scream and cry- I DON"T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! WAH!!!!!!!

HOT HOT ZOO TRIP

So we ventured to the zoo on Sunday and Jesus Christ was it busy! Unreal! The kids had fun though except Pickle as I am told who had a "horrible " time because she didn't get to ride on a camel, or a horse, or get her face painted or blah blah blah SMACK!!! I spent well over $100.00 to park, get in and eat with the 4 of us... LIttle MIss seemed to have a good time at her first trip to the zoo anyway. It was a good day over all I must say - Nice to get out anyway !

OUR FIRST VISIT TO CHURCH- OR GOD'S HOUSE AS LITTLE PICKLE WOULD SAY

SO HERE WE HAVE LITTLE PICKLE AND HER "jazz hands" POSING FOR PICS BEFORE THE BAPTISM. IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD DAY- WE WENT TO "GOD'S HOUSE" DON'T YA KNOW AND CURLY WAS QUITE DISAPPOINTED THAT HE DIDN'T SEE ANY ANGELS. REAL ONES ANYWAY. AND OF COURSE THE FACT THAT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY FUN AT ALL AT CHURCH AND "THAT GUY WAS JUST TALKING AND TALKING BLAH BLAH BLAH". HA! NICE KIDS EH! SO YEAH IT WAS A GOOD DAY AND NOW LITTLE MISS WILL GO TO HEAVEN EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS BLESSED LIKE 3 TIMES UPSIDE DOWN.. HA!

NOT JUST THE SEXIEST VEGETARIAN!

PETA's Prince
Steamy songs like “Erotic City” and “Kiss” made Prince one of the most sensual singers on the planet and his choice to stop eating meat has earned him the title of the world’s sexiest vegetarian.People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (P.E.T.A.) recently released the results of its annual online poll and voters said the man who penned “Purple Rain” is a real prince to animals.The 47-year-old singer is a strict vegan and has also taken action to protect the creatures of the Earth by including his animal rights message in his music.He wrote about controversial wool production practices in the liner notes of his 1999 album “Rave Un2 the Joy Fantastic" and closed the disc with the following quote from Mohandas Gandhi: "2 my mind, the life of a lamb is no less precious than that of a human being."His latest album, “3121”, released in March, debuted at No. 1.Prince shared the top honour from the animal rights group with 25-year-old television star Kristen Bell.The pair faced some steep competition from several beautiful stars who’ve decided to forego eating flesh, including “V for Vendetta” star Natalie Portman, Joaquin Phoenix, who was nominated for an Oscar for his portrayal of country legend Johnny Cash in “Walk the Line”, and Canadian-born INXS frontman J.D. Fortune.Coldplay singer Chris Martin and American Idol Carrie Underwood were voted the sexiest vegetarians of 2005. Other previous winners include, Outkast’s Andre 3000, Tobey Maguire and Shania Twain.
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May 23, 2006

Where's my bottle of sleeping pills??!!

Ok so you know when you have a dream and you don't ever want to wake up from it? Not like a sex dream- well, I suppose there have been those too- but just a dream that made you feel so good and relaxed and happy and safe that you never wanted to wake from it? Well I had one last night and almost the moment I woke up I forgot what it was about- but I knew I didn't want to be awake. I wanted to climb back into my bed and hide under the covers and go right back to it... sigh... All I know is "S" and her mom and me and "T" a boy friend from over 17 years ago- were on a cruise or something like that- anyway like I said I don't remember what it was all about- but it was just so right and so calming and I was so happy- and then I woke up.. Shame... Anyway, I have found myself thinking about "T" all day- I just can't shake it- I miss him. Not just because I had this dream- but I really miss him. Maybe its because I'm feeling old and useless and he reminds me of my youth- but I really loved him with my whole heart. I loved that boy silly and he was such a huge part of my life for so long. I dunno- I am just missing him today.... Sigh.....

Ohh poor me... ha!

On the inside I'm dying
on the inside I'm crying.
On the inside I'm screaming,
I'm begging,
I'm pleading.

On the inside I bleed,
on the inside I need.
On the inside I'm trying so hard to believe.

On the inside I'm hollow,
on the inside I wallow
to the inside I will not let you follow.

On the inside I ache,
on the inside I break.
On the inside I;m slipping,
I'm tripping,
I hate.

On the outside I'm calm
nothing is wrong.
On the outside I'm laughing,
I'm smiling-
I'm strong.



Jenni

JOHNNY'S SO LONG AT THE FAIR......

So for the past 3 nights I have barley slept- literally- last night it was 5 a.m. by the time I close my eyes, granted, I haven't been feeling well, but my mind is racing at every turn, just thinking, re-thinking, remembering, planning, regretting, just everything... It's so weird.. Nothing significant has happened- I just don't want to sleep- like I am trying everything to avoid it- like for instance sitting here on my computer at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping... Maybe I'm trying to slow down time......

OH DEAR, WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?

So today, as I have been for the last week or so, I converted more of my VHS and 8 mm tapes over to dvd- I find my heart actually aches when I watch these, because of course, I cannot just tape something whilst doing something else, I am constantly drawn to sit and watch by those tiny little voices saying "mama" or talking in their little baby jargon- I am compelled to sit and watch regardless of how busy I am at the time. Anyway, it literally breaks my heart watching them- so small and so completely dependent on me- and I hear my voice, so alive, so happy- so completely in love and I remember those first 2 years especially being the most amazing times of my life- regardless of all the other shit that was happening at the time. Those little wonders just utterly held me together and gave me such a purpose and so many memories. Now don;t get me wrong, I don't love them any less now that they are older- quite the contrary, it was just at that time, in that stage of my life, it was so important to me - so what I needed after so long- and you could hear it in me, see it in me (as I have been told) that it was the exact thing I needed at that exact moment in my life- sure I was run ragged and didn't sleep for days in end- but what I wouldn't give now to be back there again. As the kids get older and are more independent, I feel that sense of being needed slipping away- God knows they would crumble up and die without me for a day they are so attached to me- but I am just so terrified at the time that passes us by so quickly- its all going by so fast and soon they will barely need me at all- and then where will I be? What will I be? I have nothing to go "back" to- I can't go back to my old life B.B. (before babies) not that I couldn't- I wouldn't. So much of what was then is so no longer important to me- Friends even that I held so dearly and loved so much are just acquaintances now, and most disappeared after the kids were born- I am lucky I found out who really mattered and cared and I don';t have to deal with their dramas anymore- the constant backstabbing and bullshit- I do not miss that- I do miss some of it though- but I know now who is important to me and who will be my life long friends and who have been a part of me from the get go... Anyway in that respect- I want nothing to do with the past- but B.B. I suppose I had more opportunities or shall I say more freedom to explore opportunities.. I am afraid now, even as much as I love it and as much as I would do it again, I am labeled a mother, a wife, the errand girl- and nothing more- still don't know what I want to be or what I could be. Anyway I was just thinking about that today- anyway - I love my babies.. And I WANT SOME MO' !!!!!

BAD NEWS BEARS

So tonight the kids had their first t-ball game and it was a hoot- I laughed my ass off the whole time- it was just the sweetest thing- it's going to be interesting to watch them progress- but tonight twas classic- chaos, confusion and laughter- just the way I like it....

BY THE WAY : HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAR SWEET "S" I LOVE YOU !!!

I HAVEN'T SLIT MY WRISTS.....YET

So have I told you lately that raising (alone) triplets is a daily struggle and some days (like today) I wonder how I have made it this far without being a closet drunk or that I haven't slit my wrists? Thank god for cigarettes! Sometimes I yell so loud that I get a pain in my chest- mmmm... that seems pretty bad now that I am seeing it written out. And even though I haven't succumed to it yet- I can truly see (within reason of course) child abuse.... I have had those days (and you have to and if you say you haven't you are a fucken liar- one kid or 3) that they have done something or have just gotten on your nerves so bad and they won't stop and it is all too much that you haven't wanted to just smack the shit out of them or lock them in a room for an hour just so you can breathe. Oh my aren't I venting... Anyway I am on the rag, cranky and of course when you do it alone 24/7 and never get a moment to yourself other than staying up every night until 3 or 4 a.m. just to watch a show or be at peace with yourself, it gets to the point where you just can't take it anymore... but then of course one of them says or does something and it almost refreshes you- almost gives you a do-over for the day and everything is ok again.... it just sucks doing it alone that's all. Anyway.... I'm having a "why did I marry such a lazy asshole who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself" days.... that is all......

YEAH OK I KNOW ITS BEEN A WHILE

Ok yeah so been a while now since I wrote- got caught up in life- who am I kidding- I have done fuck all including getting the spare bedroom cleaned out, catching up on laundry, loosing 20 pounds and everything else I have supposed to have done... I suck... I just can't keep up with anything- its fucken ridiculous really... just a crying shame... so anyway yeah I've done nothing- literally - nothing useful anyway CC finally went back to work- 2 weeks ago- THANK FUCKEN GOD. I was ready to kill him or myself... of course preferably him. Anyway so he's back to work and life can resume as normal- give me the pay cheques and stay the fuck away from me.. opps... I must be careful of what I say he might read this . HA! Right! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU CC!!! hahahahahahahahahah ! Anyway I am going to add picture now because I feel the need to do that with every blog- I took a picture of a tulip from our "garden" and played around with it and it looks tre cool.....