OH DEAR, WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?

So today, as I have been for the last week or so, I converted more of my VHS and 8 mm tapes over to dvd- I find my heart actually aches when I watch these, because of course, I cannot just tape something whilst doing something else, I am constantly drawn to sit and watch by those tiny little voices saying "mama" or talking in their little baby jargon- I am compelled to sit and watch regardless of how busy I am at the time. Anyway, it literally breaks my heart watching them- so small and so completely dependent on me- and I hear my voice, so alive, so happy- so completely in love and I remember those first 2 years especially being the most amazing times of my life- regardless of all the other shit that was happening at the time. Those little wonders just utterly held me together and gave me such a purpose and so many memories. Now don;t get me wrong, I don't love them any less now that they are older- quite the contrary, it was just at that time, in that stage of my life, it was so important to me - so what I needed after so long- and you could hear it in me, see it in me (as I have been told) that it was the exact thing I needed at that exact moment in my life- sure I was run ragged and didn't sleep for days in end- but what I wouldn't give now to be back there again. As the kids get older and are more independent, I feel that sense of being needed slipping away- God knows they would crumble up and die without me for a day they are so attached to me- but I am just so terrified at the time that passes us by so quickly- its all going by so fast and soon they will barely need me at all- and then where will I be? What will I be? I have nothing to go "back" to- I can't go back to my old life B.B. (before babies) not that I couldn't- I wouldn't. So much of what was then is so no longer important to me- Friends even that I held so dearly and loved so much are just acquaintances now, and most disappeared after the kids were born- I am lucky I found out who really mattered and cared and I don';t have to deal with their dramas anymore- the constant backstabbing and bullshit- I do not miss that- I do miss some of it though- but I know now who is important to me and who will be my life long friends and who have been a part of me from the get go... Anyway in that respect- I want nothing to do with the past- but B.B. I suppose I had more opportunities or shall I say more freedom to explore opportunities.. I am afraid now, even as much as I love it and as much as I would do it again, I am labeled a mother, a wife, the errand girl- and nothing more- still don't know what I want to be or what I could be. Anyway I was just thinking about that today- anyway - I love my babies.. And I WANT SOME MO' !!!!!