MISTY WATER COLORED MEMORIES.....

So here it is almost 12:30 a.m. and I have worked my ass off today- Like seriously I haven't stopped and even though I still had a million things to do, the kids had swimming and Nana and Papa wanted to go to the mall afterwards and get the kids ice cream and walk around - I went , I complied, even though the whole time I was gritting my teeth and thinking about how late I would be up tonight finishing all I had to do when if I didn't go, could have saved me a good 3 hours..... anyway there's me again- not opening my mouth when I should.... c'est dommage..... So I am just on a smoke break- and yes, I am smoking in the house- LOOK AT ME_ SMOKING IN THE HOUSE- I DARE ANYONE TO SAY A WORD ABOUT IT! I'm in the basement and my kids are 3 floors up- oh yes yes, smoke does rise.. but you know what- tonight I don't fucken care- tonight I am tired and in tears just thinking about all I still have left to do and I am thinking how fucken tired I am of doing it all alone, always.... Anyway the fact is, that my baby girl is moving into her own room- which up until this point, she has shared one with her 2 brothers- It is time for her to have her own little girl's room and fuck what a room it will be! Yes, perhaps I am living vicarioulsy through her what with the purple room and the canopy bed we got her- but fuck it- let me live through my little Pickle... she'll love it - I just know it- So anyway all of my hard work today has been clearing out the room which will be hers- and tomorrow morning Papa is coming to help me rip up the carpet so we can lay her new floor and I can finish painting. Problem being is, before the babies, that was my junk room, after the babies, it became the junk room, craft room, computer room, extra storage room etc etc... Then the basement was done so all the stuff that was not staying in the basement went in there- and there was a fuck of a lot... so the point is- it's like almost 3 rooms full of stuff in one room that I now have to find a home for.. talk about a fucken pain in the ass.. and then of course there is the fact that - that room is full of memories, not like the room itself like oh I do this or that in this room- but boxes, and folders and everything else full of memories.. so I find myself stopping to read this journal entry or that letter or this email I have saved, and the cards people gave me and the year books and photo albulms and so as you can imagine- this whole process has taken me a million years because I have to relive everything and read it all- and oh how terribly sad it all is... First and foremost that my little lamb is going into a real big girl bed in her own big girl room, how can she be old enough yet? How did it pass me by so fast? Anyway then there's all the things I have been reminded of in this process as well, all the things I must now pack away because there is no room to keep a million pictures out or notes I wrote to friends at work or school- and I hate the fact that I can't just go and grab it and read stuff like that when the mood hits- I did it when I was clearing out the first bedroom while I was pregnant with the kids, and I remember doing the same thing- sitting there for hours reading, remembering, crying too- but I knew it would all be in a nice box in the next room or in the basement and I could go and read and cry whenever I wanted- then when the basement was done the same thing- sitting in that cold basement for hours pouring over mounds of papers- and now here I am again but this time, it will be stowed away in the garage somewhere, unreachable, until who knows when.. it may sound gay to you- but it's just my thing - I love and hate doing that - but sometimes its good to submerse yourself back into the memories again and remember the way it once was before someone calls out MOMMY! HE HIT ME! or WHAT'S FOR DINNER? .. anyway I don't hate my life at all- I just miss my old one a lot... does that make sense?? Anyways, on top of everything else, tomorrow early early I have to bring my van in to get an oil change and to get my driver's side window fixed which for months now hasn't worked and now my air conditioning has stopped blowing cold air- so in this heat the past few days it has been inbearable- my poor sweltering children in the back.. so that will probably cost me a million fucken dollars and I am so afraid of getting ripped off because really -it could be something like so simple and they could tell me otherwise and I will pay out the money because fuck- what do I know right? Fucken guys.... anyway I better get back to it- the longer I sit here the more I don't want to go up and finish... I just want to throw myself down on the floor and kick and scream and cry- I DON"T WANNA DO IT ANYMORE!!!!!!! WAH!!!!!!!