Gobble gobble....

Well.. Happy Turkey Day- it is Thanksgiving here in Canada and though I had so so so much to be thankful for I am also scared shitless right now so it is hard to think of anything else. Tomorrow at 7:40 in the morning I will be having a catscan done on my brain. I have not been well as of late- terribly weird things happening to me numbness tingling, lightheaded, heart palpitations... and on and on... they don't know what is wrong with me but it is becoming debilitating and I am not able to resume my regular daily activities - it's becoming scary - very scary. I find myself paralyzed with fear and having anxiety attacks on top of everything else I am feeling as well- scared scared scared. So many people I know lately are being diagnosed with this or that - mostly cancer and scary shit like that and I am scared. I can't leave my babies- nothing can be the matter with me- it just can't- totally unacceptable!!! So tonight I will probably stay up all night because I won't be able to sleep and then tomorrow after my catscan I have to go on a school trip with my babies- great- what timing eh.. anywya I will let you know when I know- send your zen my way and hope its nothing- yes let's all hope it is something stupid... or nothing at all .. something tells me it won't be that easy- something tells me I am in for a fight....

So I should tell you that I have quit smoking- oh yes, for good, I am done with it- I am finished. I had "quit" several times since last October, but always managed to have a drag here or there or just have one or two smokes a day. And then FIL was diagnosed. And I quit- but then I would still have one here or there and I just couldn't shake it. So in June- I got terribly sick- I mean I was so sick I was scared. Any other time I had gotten a chest cold or whatever I would find myself smoking more believe it or not- being sick would cause me to smoke more than I would whether I was wheezing or coughing or whatever. But this time, this time I was dreadfully ill- pneumonia. At the point I finally gave in and went to the dr's it was already almost week 3 I think of the illness. The dr. said had I come in at the "height" of it they probably would have hospitalized me.. lovely. Anyway, I was so sick I didn't smoke- I wore a patch for a few days but I found the patch was making me crave still because I was still being fed the nicotine. So I forwent the patch- toughed it out and I am happy to say that I am a non-smoker and even though stress-wise I have had a million reasons to pick one up again- I have not- not even a drag - nothing. So yee ha for me!! On the other hand- quitting smoking has lead me to gain at least another 10 pounds... I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life- (haven't I said that before?) but at least I can work that off- you can work off cancer right? And yes I am mortified about my weight right now- but its something I can change so I am trying to be positive about it... trying.. trying very hard...

Sadly, (try and figure this riddle out) Pickles' husbands' grandmother- whom I have grown to know quite well, is terribly ill as well. Seems she was having dizzy spells, and figured it was vertigo or something weird- she ends up finding out she has lung cancer that has spread to the brain.... I heart aches. Pickle's husband is so so so so close to her- she lives with them as well and they are like two peas in a pod- how awful. And yes, a smoker she is... another reason never to touch them again.... So we have had my "Son-in-law" over a lot to try to give his mom a break and to give him a bit of fun. His mom is 8 1/2 months pregnant by the way- a baby they have tried for almost 7 years to have- it was all very exciting- but now sadly that joy seems to be lost in the sadness and the inevitable. Heart breaking.

So I have become, (maybe I always was) absolutely paralyzingly terrified of death. I mean truly. It is all around me. And I am scared to death. I convince myself that because I still am not feeling 100% since I quit smoking 2 months ago that surely I have cancer or some other ailment and it is just a matter of time. What scares me the most about it is my babies. what would they do? Leave them with assmeat?? (Oh, that is my new name for CC- no, nothing has changed) I cannot even fathom their lives with him and without me. I am getting veclempted just thinking about it now. Just before I quit smoking I got a physical- which surprisingly was ok- nothing bad except for the fact that I have a very under active thyroid and now am on thyroid medication for the rest of my life- boo hiss- but other than that chest x-ray cholesterol, blood pressure- everything fine. BUT- they never saw anything in my FIL's chest x-ray either nor in my son-in-law's grandmother and both of them have lung cancer !!!!! So what do you do??? Even though I don't cough or wheeze anymore like I used to- I still feel a bit congested- like all the time- and I am so so scared....

Well, I think I have written enough today- all very depressing too wasn't it? Oh well.. I'll find a happy memory from the summer and write about it later... I know I have got some ... yeah, there has to be some .... let me work on that ...

THE RAY OF SUNSHINE

So with all the sadness I have been feeling about the loss of my uncle, and all the other crap that has been going on (Oh!! I still have yet to tell you what else happend!! Stay tuned for that) I neglected to tell you about how grateful I am- My FIL has been doing well!!! He has undergone months of radiation and Chemo and actually- this coming Thursday, he will be getting the results of the latest CAT scan. I can tell you he has gained a ton if weight back, he can talk again and has been feeling really really well!! The last check up he had was great in that the tumours had shrunk signifiganty!! So they did another round of treatments and so that is what this next appointment will be for- to see if he needs further treatments or if he is OK for now- its truly a miracle it really is- he is not out of the woods yet - I know that - but he has just done so well and is feeling so much better- he's even talking about going back to work!! WHAT>????? I am just grateful for the time and for his health- for now- for today- for this minute- I am grateful...

THREE LITTLE BIRDS

My little lambs are 6 now- almost 7 and going into grade 2 in a couple short weeks. I am having a hard time with the fact that they are getting older and I often find myself watching their baby videos and getting teary-eyed because I know that time is past and I can never get it back- anyway they are all doing well- Little Man is now taking Electric Guitar classes! Yes can you believe it?? Hilarious- he likes it too and he's pretty good at it considering he has just started and I am certainly not musically inclined - so he started from scratch literally- So he's had a half dozen lessons or so and is doing well and so- we've got ourselves a rock star!! This summer, Curly decided to play soccer- let's just say it isn't his thing-we'll try something else next year.... Pickle is taking cooking classes!! She's gone to about 6 0r 7 classes and she just loves it- the only thing about that is the fact that she knows what goes into things now- so she is not as eager to try something once she knows what's in it- anyway she likes it- so whatever...

So the summer has flown by sadly- and the weather has been awful so we haven't done all that much- last month my sister and S and their families and mine went to Yogi Bear's Jelly Stone park for a 2 day camping trip- wasn't what we expected and it was cold and damp- but I think the kids liked it ok- and we have some activities coming up for the next couple of weeks that should satisfy them- CNE, Ontario Place, movies, a get together with my Auntie and my cousins for a day O fun, and of course another trip up to Auntie S's.. so we're good- I just wish it didn't go by so fast...

WHERE TO BEGIN....

Ok.. I have much to say so I will just start with whatever and go on as I please.. bare with me..

So my uncle died- yes, my dear sweet Uncle passed away from cancer- it was quite sudden in that he was fine for so long and then it was like one day he wasn't and it all went so quickly after that. I am terribly sad about it- and I will miss him horribly. My Auntie Ann and Uncle Jim were like the parents I never had- so to speak. Their place was the one place in the entire world where I could go and feel completely, utterly at home and being in their company meant I felt love. I know that sounds cheesy- but its true- unconditional love beamed from their every pore. I feel terribly sad for my Auntie- I know she will be sad for a while and I am sure incredibly lonely- I cannot imagine the love of your life for your entire life no longer being there- but I have vowed to myself that I will not let a month go by without seeing her or talking to her- and not because I feel sorry for her- but because I truly love her with all of my heart and want her to be a part of my life all the time- not just at holidays. So there you go- I had a dream that I started a club for her and I and my cousin and my sister and that every month we get together and have a game night- so I think I am going to suggest that and that we should make it a monthly thing- I think it will be fun and I think we all need each other and need a fun night like that- so anyway I will suggest it and see what happens- I know they will be on board-

Anyway - I really don't even want to talk about it anymore because I am still quite sad about my uncle- I really am- my heart hurts to think about it - and I have cried a million tears over his loss but yet it doesn't seem to take away any of the hurt- or sadness-anyway I don't want to appear to be too dramatic about it - I bet it is surprising to some that it affected me so - but it did...

MY MY MY

Can it be possibe that the last time I wrote here was like February? Well, sorry to disappoint- but it won't be tonight either- or tomorrow or the next day- to give a brief synopsis- tomorrow I am going to the funeral of my dear sweet uncle... and just sick about it- and from there I am leaving to go on a camping trip with my 3 little pigs, my best friend Shell and her 2 and my sister Moe and her 2 for 2 nights 3 days- at Yogi Bear's Jelly Stone Park no less... so much to tell you all- so sad, I promise when I get back I will write up a storm and tell you all what you have been missing out on in my life for the past 5 months or so.... its almost 1:30 in the morning- nope- stil not sleeping normally- but I guess this time I have a reason.. anyway I better go- talk to you all soon....

WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING... NIKKI WASN'T THERE.....

So after putting it off for days, I guess I am finally ready to tell the story of the day Nikki died. I still don't feel any better- worse somehow- sad- of course- guilty- maybe forever.

The entire day I knew what was going to happen- I knew that at the end of that day I would be saying goodbye to my first little baby- the baby that I carried around in my overalls pocket and put in my knapsack, and took wherever I went. The same little baby I dressed up relentlessly and did fashion show videos with and treated more like a child than a dog. The same little baby who was there for me through all the loss and the heartache while I tried to fulfill my dreams of becoming a "real" mommy..

And yet.....

and yet instead of spending the day with her and holding her and thanking her for all she had given to me- I, like the coward I am- ran. I found anything and everything I possibly could not be at home that entire day. I went and bought her a new blanket - to wrap her in so she wouldn't be cold when we went. I bought groceries and craft supplies- for what? I guess just anything so that I didn't have ot face the fact that I would be taking her to do what I did.

I dropped the kids at my sisters and headed back home. My friend M was coming with me- she was going to drive so I could hold Nikki. She was waiting in the driveway when I got back from my sisters and we went into my house and talked for a little while. I was anxious and nervous and stalling a bit I guess- and then I knew it was time to go. I wrapped her in the blanket I had bought her and we got into the car. She seemed calm enough- I can't even remember the last time she was in a car and I thought about that on the way there. We got there all too quickly and as soon as I walked in, and while M was parking, they escorted me into an exam room. Nikki became immediately aggitated and was trying to wriggle out of my arms. I hadn't seen her with that much energy in months- she really started freaking out and as I went to put her down I realized she had and was still, shitting all over the place- I had it on my jacket and she was just going all over the floor and her tail was covered in it I guess because of the way I was holding her. Then I remembered as I was trying to clean it all up- that she had done this every time we went to the vets- she was so scared she literally shit herself everytime we went. One of the girls came in just then and helped me clean up- and gave me a towel to put around her- so much for the new blanky....

M came into the room with me and the vet came in telling me what would happen next. They left me a form to sign- a consent for the "procedure"- I didn't even read it.

They took Nikki from me so they could put an intravenus into her and then they would bring her back. It seemed like they were only gone for a second... everything was happening so fast- I was starting to loose it- crying quietly- second guessing myself.. panicking almost. They left me with Nikki for a minute or two and the vet came back in and asked if I was ready. I wasn't of course and I told her that if she didn't do it right there and then that I was running out of there. She started putting the syringe into the intravenus and Nikki started squirming trying to get out of my arms- I was screaming in my head STOP!!! PLEASE STOP...I held her tightly and I just lost it- I was crying so hard and so loud and I just kept saying I'm sorry Oh Nikki I am so sorry...

Within seconds I could feel her getting very heavy in my arms.. and I couldn't look at her- I just couldn't. And the vet (this image has been stuck in my mind ever since) put her hand against Nikki's cheek and leaned her against my chest.. I was hysterical, M was sobbing just as much as I was and it was truly the most horrible awful empty sad feeling I think I have felt- ever- the only thing I could compare it to is when I lost my babies- when they would be wheeling me down to the OR and I was all alone and scared and sad and angry and pleading in my heart for it all to be a dream but knowing it wasn't and that I had to feel it - I had to feel it all or it would destroy me.. it was truly that awful. She listened for a heart beat and said that she was gone. She said she would leave us alone for a moment and to let her know when I was ready..

In a way I knew I would nver be ready- that I could have sat there all night holding her telling her I was sorry and wishing I hadn't done it or at least waited another day or month or year.. I sat there for a moment or so sobbbing uncontrollably and told M to get the vet back in- I just kept thinking- Take her- please just take her... and they did.. that was it- in a matter of 10 minutes from the time I walked in with her it was all over- and she wasn't coming back.

Then they asked me about the ashes and if I had chosen an urn and I was in such a fog I couldn't think straight- they gave me the book and asked that I come back the next day with my decision. I asked where she was, and they told me the freezer- I just about threw up right then and there and I knew I had to get the fuck out of there and quick- I knew I couldn't change what happend - but if I had stayed there any longer I would have convinced myself I think, that I could go and get her and forget the whole thing..

M took me home and we sat for a while and talked- I told her some stories and shared a few memories about Nikki and then I had to go back and get the kids.

All the way to my sisters I cried and then of course I had to pretend I was ok for the kid's sake. As far as they knew Nikki was in the hospital and very sick- they didn't even ask about her until we got back home.

The next day I went back and picked out the urn. I am having trouble accpeting that it will actually be her ashes I get back- I mean like really- how does one know? I suppose I just have to trust that the people doing it are honest animal loving people... what else can I do?

On Sunday, I broke the news to the kids. I needed a couple of days to get over it myself- so I could at least be stong enough for them.. Pickle freaked out- sobbing hysterically- screaming that they killed her they killed her!! I tried to explain that they did all that they could but that Nikki was just too old and too sick- "they didn' try hard enough" she cried back... Little Man cried and cried- and then he said "I wish I could die so I could see Nikki in heaven" and that was it for me.. I told him never to say things like that because Mommy needs him here and loves him. We talked about how Nikki is better now and she can see and hear and can run around and have fun again- I even told them she could talk which kinda made them all laugh a bit- it was sad ...
I told them we could send messages to Nikki in heaven with balloons so this weekend we are going to go and buy helium balloons and attach messages to them and send them up to Nikki- I didn't know what else to do- to see their little faces and hear them crying - it broke me.. after they went to bed- I cried my guts out for an hour...

I can still hear her sometimes walking around- hearing her little nails click on the floor- and I stil find myself putting plates of food down on the floor for her.. I wake up and expect to see her in her little bed outside my room or to come into the kitchen when she smells that I am cooking something.. I feel a little lost truthfully and empty.. I still haven't thrown any of her stuff out. Her food and water dish are still down and so are her blankets and her little bed.. I am not ready yet.. but I know I have to do it soon.. I will never get another animal- I simply cannot bare this pain again... it is truly awful...

And that's all I have to say about that....

IN THE MIDST OF MY GRIEF....

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You are only coming through in waves.. your lips move, but I can't hear what your sayin'...

I thought I would come on here and write a bit but now that I am here sitting, dreading, hoping that tomorrow will never come, I regretfully have nothing to say.. I am numb.

WHERE THE HELL IS THE COMPLAINTS DEPARTMENT??

These past few days have just flown by. Wednesday is coming way too fast- and I am not sure I am going to make it. My track record suggests I will, and that in each and every tragedy in my life or crisis I have risen above and switched to another gear shall we say, and gotten through it. I know I will- I know that physically I will "get through it"- I just don't wanna. I mean of course, I don't want to be in the situation of getting through anything- I cannot stop any of this- I am so scared. On one hand I think everything, somehow is going to be fine. But on the other, I have thoughts of the funeral, and have already started putting pictures together of him and the kids. The other day for some reason I was compelled to do so and spent the better part of the day going through all of my cd's of pictures and copying the ones I wanted to my computer. I hate that I was doing it but something made me. I don't know what else to say- we will more Wednesday.....

I took my Christmas tree down today and hated every moment of it. I even took down the Christmas clock. Now there is nothing left of Christmas and that makes me terribly sad. I got choked up just typing that....

Wednesday is also the day that poor little Nikki is being put down. I have wrestled with this the last few days- I know deep down it is the right thing to do but I don't wanna- how can I do this?

I have decided that I no longer wish to be an adult thank you very much. As shitty as my childhood was- I think I would like to go back please.. Being an adult sucks ass...

...and I think it's gonna rain today.....

So the last week or so has been just awful- I set the date for little Nikki to get put down- January 30- as I was making the call and trying to convince myself it was the right thing to do- I cried uncontrollably to the poor secretary on the phone and then after I hung up I cried more. Someone said to me that day- everyone has to die- and I thought yes, that is true- but I am choosing her death which to me seems, I dunno harder somehow. I know she cannot tell me she is in pain or she doesn't want to go on, I dunno, I hate having to be the one to make this decision. I almost wish some mornings that I will find that she has passed away in her sleep- I am just sick about it...
On another note- things have gone from bad to worse with my FIL. As I have mentioned he has been going through months and months (literally since April 07) of testing to try and figure out what the heck is wrong with him- he is down to about 125 lbs or so which is crazy- he has withered away before our eyes. On Wednesday he got the results from the latest test he had done (CAT scan which he has had 2 others before this as well) and it is not good- they also did another scope and took a biopsy of something they found on the lung. They are 90% sure it is a tumour on the lung- to what degree or what stage we do not know. He meets with a lung surgeon on Wednesday (yes the same day Nikki gets put down) and I guess we will know more then. I think the world just fell out from underneath me then - my heart sank, my stomach hurt, my heart beat so fast I thought it was coming out of my chest. This cannot happen- this is unacceptable. I am not willing to accept this - after the initial shock and the tears and the questions and the anger- I felt this exhaustion come over me like nothing before- it hit me like a brick and I fell asleep almost instantly. It didn't last long though- I was up and down every hour or so- waking up from nightmares and convincing myself I had just dreampt it- its not real- it cannot be. I have all of these questions and I don't know what to do- and my heart hurts for my babies- they loved their papa so much- more so I think (shhh....) than CC - he has been more of a father to them and more of a husband to me- not in that way - you know helping me around the house and going everywhere with us- etc- anyway I know little Pickle cannot bare this- I know her little heart will not be able to handle this much sorrow- she has been quite distressed about the fact that papa hasn't been feeling well for so long- the kids have hardly seen him in months and it bothers her- she is so overly concerned that it's almost disturbing- like she is only 6- and she worries oh so much and yes she is dramatic- but she is just so deeply affected by everything I don't know what she will do.... I am scared for them and terribly sad.

CC is another story.. all these months I kept telling him that I had a bad feeling about his dad- that something real bad was going to come of all of this and just the other day before we knew the extent we do now, I freaked out on him and told him that he treats his parents like shit and always has and he better start being nice to his dad etc etc and I don't even know why I started saying all of that- but anyway he got all upset and started saying he has to start being nicer to everyone wah wah- anyway buddy- heard that before... I know is mean and sad but last night, after we found out he cried, and I think I have only seen him cry like 4 times in 17 years- I should have reached out and hugged him and held him and told him it would be ok- but I didn't want to be anywhere near him. I didn't want to comfort him - I felt like telling him- go- cry- you should feel bad and scared- go off and cry- I have no sympathy for you- I was just so pissed off at him. Today we went over to his parent's house and sat and talked and his mom kept crying and then I would see her cry and I would cry- and I just feel so fucken helpless I want to do something or stop it - and I cannot- I have to trust that the people with the power will fix him up the best they can and he will stay with us. He is more of a father than I have ever had- and I say this with selfishness: He cannot die because I still need him and the kids need him and life just isn't going to be the same with out him and I refuse to let him go- I am not going to let this happen- fuck that- he's not leaving me with CC and the MIL- he's the only other one who gets it- anyway I am just blabbering now- I am terribly sad and scared and I just wish I could curl up and sleep and wake up when he is all better... I hope I am strong enough for all of this-next week is going to be awful...

COLD AS YOU

You have a way of coming easily to me
And when you take
You take the very best of me
So I start a fight cause I need to feel something
And you do what you want
Cause I'm not what you wanted

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You put up walls and paint them all a shade of gray
And I stood there loving you and washed them all away
And you come away with a great little story
Of a mess of a dreamer with the nerve to adore you
Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending given to a perfect day
So just walk away
No use defending words that you will never say
And now that I'm sitting here thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

You never did give a damn thing, honey
But I cried, cried for you
And I know you wouldn't have told nobody if I died
Died for you (died for you)

Oh, what a shame
What a rainy ending give to a perfect day
Every smile you fake is so condescending
Counted all the scars you made
Now that I'm sitting her thinking it through
I've never been anywhere cold as you

Taylor Swift

HONESTLY...

You asked me that when the time came
if I could please just be happy for you-
I promise-
I will be.
Honestly.
But I cannot promise
that I won't be
sad for myself.
I know it will hurt like hell.

WTF???

I have been known to watch Oprah now and then- lately she has annoyed me and her topics are getting mundane and repetitive- Anyhoo---- I do recall a certain episode wherein she had these English chicks on who talked about the fact that something like 70% of women are wearing the wrong bra size and I thought- well these women must be stupid then mustn't they? Well, I must join the club of stupidity because after today I realized that I too have not been wearing the right size bra- at least for the past 5 years anyway. Yeah so I go into LaSenza (is that what it is called?) today which by the way I never go in there because to find my size bra is impossible and it just makes me feel bad about myself. But anyway I went in there to check out the sales for Pickle- they have a little girl's clothing line and Pickle is finally at the size where she can fit into their smallest size. Anyway so I go and look around and end up looking at some bras and trying a couple on but knowing full well that even though they say they are a certain size they are not- they are liars! Anyway I try on my 34DD's in about 7 different styles and have the same problem with each- my boobs are just a popping out the tops of them- the sales lady who was trying desperately to get me to come out of the change room with one of them on (are you fucken nuts?) was trying to tell me that is the way they are supposed to fit and that yes my boobs are supposed to be sitting under my chin- bras are supposed to push up don't yah know- but I don't want them to!!! My neck holds my head up just fine- I do not need my boobs to hold up my head thanks so much- anyway I look at the rack one last time before giving up as usual and leaving feeling disgusted with myself- and low and behold there sat a lonely little bra with the letter E on it- could this be? Could this be the next size up from DD? I had never seen it before- not here- not anywhere actually- and though I do not go to specialty stores ( have never even heard of one around here) it was always hard enough to find the DD size but now now here before me sits a lonely 34E - and something just told me - this is the one Jen- this is it- and so I tried it on and TAADAA! It fits! my boobs are not under my chin and they are not hopping out- that is the answer- that is it! I am not a DD I AM AN E!!! It truly never occurred to me that I could be - but in fact I must be- even those bra size calculators say I should be a DD but after trying on the E I know now where my boobies belong.... so of course that was literally the only size E they had in the entire store because otherwise I would have bought every last one of them.. yee ha!! boobies- you will have a comfortable place to hang out after all!!

WANTED:

So, after much consideration, I have decided that I need a boyfriend. Yes. I think that is precisely what I need. Someone I can talk to you and laugh with and who will treat me with respect and kindness and think that I am pretty and funny and who will take me places and want to be with me all the time (but won't be and that's a good thing) and who will genuinely be interested in what I have to say and want to know everything about me. Yes- that is what I need. Now where do I go to buy one of those?

I DID NOT FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH.....

... although some days I wish I had. No, not really. So, I have been getting complaints from people about the lack of posts and so I thought, even though I do not feel like rehashing the last month or so, I will give some brief rundowns to give you a little insight into what has been going on around here as of late...

so here we go...


* After the chicken pox out break- after the last poor little lamb made it back to school- and I mean right after ( They were all back to school ONE day) Pickle came down with a stomach virus so bad I almost took her to hospital- she puked for days and the pains she had in her tummy were almost too much for her to bare. And of course.. the boys followed suit a few days later- end result- 3 kids home for a full week of misery, crying pain and puking... oh happy days.....

* Once that was all over with, which brought us right into the month of December- it was time to get under way with the birthday celebrations- since their birthday is just a few days before Christmas, I have been having their party early in December just to get it done with, and out of respect for those coming- there are so many Christmas parties etc going on, I just think the earlier the better. Anyway Little Man was obsessed with having their party at home (uggg) this year with party games and the whole thing. So while the kids were off sick I sent out invitations to the kids asking to give us a quick reply as I let each child invite only 2 people and those 2 people would buy a present for them and them only. I mean after all you cannot invite a kid to a party and expect for them to buy a gift for each one right- so anyway I explained it in detail within the invitations stating that if they could not make it to let us know immediately so that the child in question could have the opportunity to invite someone else. Anyway people are stupid, rude or whatever because I only got one answer. the day before the party, and after I had already invited a whole new group of kids cause no one had replied, plus all the backups we had (relatives to fill in the gaps you know cousins etc) don't cha know everyone started replying out of no where and next thing you know I have 14 kids at the party which meant going out the day before to buy a whole new batch of stuff for loot bags and ordering a bigger cake, accommodating for more people for all the games planned etc. I have to say in the long run, it went over quite well, the kids seemed to all enjoy and it wasn't as bad as I thought but of course it was stressful as hell preparing it all and hosting- but anyway its done. My baby's are 6 now and I could just cry thinking about it.

* So then there was Christmas. Now keep in mind I had very very little time to prepare for Christmas this year because I had the kids home for about a month and a week give or take and then the birthday party so I had about 2 weeks to prepare and shop for Christmas.. can you say POWER SHOP???? The kids got more than enough as usual, had my sister and brother over- went to my mother's (ugggg) and survived the 2 week Christmas vacation INCLUDING CC. So there you go. Not too shabby. It was actually ok, it really was.. there are some things that have happened or that have come to light which I will write about later- but over all a good Christmas holidays.

* My FIL is very sick and no one knows why. He has been sick since like April and it just keeps getting worse and worse. He now officially weighs less than I do which is absolutely frightening. He has taken every test imaginable and they cannot figure out what is wrong. It breaks my heart and scares me to death all at the same time....

* Speaking of fathers- mine decided not to be with us at Christmas this year and instead went to my uncles. I have not spoken to him in months and frankly I don't know what to think about it all. He never ever calls me- he had sent a few emails to me at the beginning of the year about stupid trivial shit- but other than that nothing. I am not chasing him- not anymore. when he first came back I tried my best to do anything I could to help him out we helped him move into an apartment and furnish it and I took him a lot of places then he got real sick and I went to the hospital as much as I could and then it all just stopped once he was better- even last Christmas when he was here I just felt like he didn't want to be here. My sister lives 5 minutes from him and he never calls her either- I don't understand it all and there is so much more to it- but I don't feel like discussing it right now, I really truly don't.

* My dog, Nikki is on her last legs. I have had her since CC and I first moved into our apartment in 1992. She was my baby and went everywhere with me and I dressed her up, treated her like a child - almost to the point of ridiculousness. Truthfully, I think she was my baby to fill the void of a baby because once the kids were born (other than the fact that I was so busy I didn't have time to sleep let alone play dress up with a dog) I didn't really pay much attention to her- so kinda faded into the background. I know that is awful and sad, but so true- and she has been going downhill very drastically. Granted, she is almost 16 which is insanely old in dog years but still, in the summer she was still running around here and there and now she has trouble getting up and down stairs, her legs give out sometimes, she's deaf for sure and always has her tail between her legs. Unfortunately I am of the mentality that I don't want to know. I don't want to bring her to a vet because I am scared of what they will say although I know she will have to be put down. When she has a good day I convince myself she is fine now and makes me feel badly about even thinking to put her down... never again, no more animals... I can't deal.. anyway I am calling tomorrow- it has to be done... poor little Nikki.....



Ok now I have depressed myself. HAPPY NOW?? Ha! kidding.. that is all for now... got to take a breather....