SECRETS

When I was about 7 years old, I was getting a "double ride" from a friend of mine. She lived across the street from me. I was sitting on the seat and she was standing up peddling. And for no apparent reason whatsoever, I thought it would be funny if I tickled her- right there at that moment. I did. We crashed, hard. I was fine, but she was rushed to the hospital by her father- nothing too too serious- but bad enough, I remember that. I Still don't know why I did it- and I still feel guilty about it- It still bothers me.

SADNESS

Even though there is no physical possible way for me to become pregnant on my own, this past week, I was 4 days late for my period- which I never ever am. I therefore, without merit, convinced myself I was pregnant. I don't know why- I know, I know there is no way- but I still did it- and today it all came to a head when I went into Toys R US and stopped in the baby section, got a lump in my throat, exited the store immediately and sat in my car and cried for 15 minutes.....

Yeah.. ok....

Ok I thought the photoshow would be a bit smaller so it wouldn't look so fuzzy but no.. ok whatever- we'll leave it for now but it may annoy me so much that I take it off- so look at it while you can... Yeah so I forgot to mention- and I meant to before- but I just realized the other day that I have almost 1100 hits to my blog here- isn't that special? So people are actually reading it... mmmm.. and just for those of you who will comment- or at least think it- I have my counter set up so that it doesn't count when my computer brings up the blog- so anytime I am here it doesn't count- just so ya know...
Oh Oh I must update you on my smoking.. well.. I did not vomit the next day when I tried to smoke- but I also did not have my first smoke until after noon! Which if you know me- you know that is like impossible. Before I do anything and I mean even so much as having my first morning pee- I have a smoke- no one shall dare talk to me or ask me for anything until I have my first smoke- so.. yeah I didn't have one until noon and even then it was only 2 drags! I am so serious! And I wasn't craving or anything- so to sum it up I have not had more than 4 cigarettes a day (24 hour period) since Friday- and I smoke at the very very least a half pack a day- so this is pretty fucken awesome- I am very confident that I will do this without any major trouble- its all going swimmingly... Seriously.. What can I say- it worked for me...

This is "BD" (before digital) so the pics are fuzzy- but still cute as hell

DESPERATION OR STUPIDITY??!!

OK so here's me- after the news about my uncle (which incidentally has nothing to do with smoking because he hasn't for over 30 years) I have decided, though I have spoken of it before and though I truly do enjoy it, and though if I didn't smoke I would most certainly drink (you deal with 4 year old triplets!) to quit smoking once and for all. And even though (jesus, is that the word of the day or something?) I fear gaining weight, I shall try... SO my new strategy???? Hypnosis/subliminal therapy. I have- now get this- burnt myself a CD that I shall play tonight whilst (yes, that is a word and quite frankly I love it) I sleep that will trick me or subconsciously make me not smoke anymore- yes you heard it right- after this evening, I shall wake up refreshed, reborn and without the cravings of a cigarette! Yes, that is right, - As of tomorrow I will be a non-smoker. And I have listened to the cd already just to make sure there are no hidden things in it like "when you hear the word GO you will cluck like a chicken" or any such things like that- In fact, as I understand it, if I even so much as put a cigarette to my mouth I WILL VOMIT. Yes. That is what I have been told. That is what my subconscious will hear tonight- I SHALL VOMIT if I try to smoke... right.. so this is it then. I'm good to go- I'm all set- yep... I'm off to the races- ready to start a new day as a non-smoker... yep... that is me- Jenna the non-smoker- smelling fine, tasting food normally, bye bye to morning coughing fits- hello to smoke free living- .. yep... ok... places your bets.....

DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY .....

So I found out my uncle - my bestest most favouritest uncle has a form of lung cancer and has been given- basically 2 years to live- Like what the fuck? I don't understand- I cannot wrap my brain around it all- it is absolutely the most horrific thing I have ever been told. Now what? Now, we all go through the guilt- about not calling enough or seeing him enough and the I'm sorry's and the what if's and coulda shoulda woulda's. And we try to convince ourselves he isn't going anywhere and its all a horrible mistake. I cannot help but to feel selfish about it all- I want him here- I Don't want him to die- and meanwhile what he must be thinking- what he must be feeling- I cannot imagine. My stomach hurts- physically- it hurts and I am so scared- he was always going to be there- he is the only family on my father's side that was ever there- even when my father wasn't- which was never by the way- I remember going there for Christmas as a kid and feeling like I belonged there- that that was where I was supposed to be- and wishing that maybe someone mixed us up at birth and Auntie Anne and Uncle Jim were my real parents and one day we would realize it and all have a big laugh about it and I would stay there and never have to worry about the crap that was going on at home again- Anyway now's the time to do what we should have been doing for years and not put things off and say I love you and try to help as much as I can- do anything I can- and try to stop pretending this is all just a dream.

PICS FROM S's TURKEY DAY- TURKEY PINATA AND ALL!

The treehouse is courtesy of the Wish Foundation - that was Z's wish- for the ultimate treehouse- and that it is! Isn't it just like something out of a cartoon or something? Too cool.

MORE PICS FROM THE THANKSGIVING WEEKEND

THANKSGIVING WEEKEND

So overall it was a pretty good weekend- we kept busy. CC wasn't able to make it home- still working the nightshift out in Sarnia. So Saturday I had my sister and her family and my brother and his over for turkey dinner- it worked out well, the kids all kept busy playing, and I got a chance to on the occasion, sit and talk with everyone and of course squeeze my new baby niece who is absolutely scrumptious. So then Sunday we hung out and relaxed for the better part of the morning and then after lunch I realized how nice it was outside and thought we had better get out and enjoy it so I packed up some snacks and drinks and took the kids to the park- we ended up staying there for 3 hours!! So it was nice. Then Monday morning we set off for S's house and spent the day there- had a nice dinner- the kids ran themselves ragged- it was a good day and I was happy to be with S. We actually got to sit and chit chat too- my kids were behaving nicely and keeping busy - so it was good. Then Tuesday I took the kids to the "PUNKIN PATCH" up at Whittamore's Farm- they have all sorts of new stuff there so it was cool, took a wagon ride, went through corn mazes, it was a nice afternoon... So that's that- that sums up my weekend - it was nice- spent with family and friends- which is exactly how it should be....

I'VE BEEN TAGGED

I didn't know what the heck "tagging" was- but I think I caught the play: Here goes



3 Smells I love:
babies (their heads mostly- I know sounds weird)
Turkey cooking (yum yum it was turkey day today!)
Fall

3 Smells I hate:
The smell after it rains
Red meat cooking
Hospitals

3 Jobs that I have had in my life:
Pickle Factory
Legal Assistant
MOMMY!!!!

3 Movies that I could watch over and over:
My Life
Steele magnolias
Forest Gump

3 Fond memories:
Holding my babies for the first time
My Wedding Day
Anytime I spend with Shell

3 Jobs I would love to have:
Teacher
Actress
Writer

3 Places that I have lived:
Trailer
Apartment
House (ALL IN ONTARIO-sigh- no where fun)

3 Things I like to do:
Be silly with my kids
Spend time with my best friend
snuggle with babies

3 Of my favorite foods:
Rice with Gravy
Bagels and cream cheese
spinach and feta pizza

3 Places I would like to be right now:
DISNEY LAND!
Snuggled in my bed
1990

3 Websites that I visit daily:
CP24 (news)
BLOGGER.com
EBAY

3 Things that make me cry:
Being alone all the time
worries I cannot control
Not being able to help the ones I love

3 Friends that I am tagging: (The new chosen ones!)
Deb
Moe
and none of my other friends blog so will never see this and therefore it does not count....

I GOT CRITIQUED!

My Blog was Critiqued by critique my blog: here was what was said:


...."The above is the first post written by Jenna...this is a great example of the power of blogging...Some people say it can be addictive...like when AOL first came out and everyone spent time in the chat rooms and IM'ing people, others say it's an outlet and therapeutic, and others say it's fun to do. Whatever the reason it is clearly something that a lot of people do. Jenna's blog is full of stories about her life and kids...having kids myself I find some amusing...and she also incorporates poetry in her posts...nice job Jenna!"


So there you have it...

Ok last one today- I am on a poetry kick today- Actually, I'm stalling so I don't have to clean! HA!

You Can Never Go Home Again


Your heart is there.
Your memories linger through the halls
like ghosts.
The nicks I the wall remind us all
of your innocence.
But you can never go home again.
Your bills stack high,
No rest for the weary.
Everything is so new.
You have dishes to do and laundry-
Things don’t mysteriously clean themselves-
You thought they did
but you know the secret now.
You can never go home again.
When you wake on your birthday
there is no excitement.
No party hats or candles to bow out.
There is no one to ask if you’ve had a hard day.
No cookies and milk waiting for you.
You can never go home again.
When you are sick,
only the television is there to comfort you.
No damp cloths patting your head,
No chicken soup or puppet shows.
You make your own bed-
and now you must lie in it.
And you can never go home again.
Now you have your own babies.
It’s a whole new ballgame;
soccer, little league, ballet-
it’s never ending.
There are cookies to make for the school bazaar,
halloween costumes-
responsibility galore.
Oh how you wish you could go home again.
Funerals are attended more frequently.
You say good-bye to relatives that used to pinch your cheeks.
They used to send you money in cards.
Cards you never read- but cards mother always kept.
Now you send the money.
There is no time to find that special something.
There is no time for anything.
And you can never go home again.
Babies are all grown, leading lives of their own.
All the days you wish you would be left alone-
you long for now.
Hungry for a diaper change
or a scraped knee to kiss.
The house is quiet.
The house that is finally paid for, is silent.
And now their laughter echoes the halls;
their birthdays and first steps.
All of this rings through your head-
the projector is always running-
You see it on every wall.
From young to old in minutes.
Your mamma is gone
and now your babies too.
And they can never come home again.

UNTITLED - Wrote this years ago....

Will you leave the light on for me?


I promise to come back one day.


I don’t know when I can-


I only know that I will…