THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

So here it is 4 days and counting until CC comes home. I am more than a little apprehensive about it all- right now I know where he is what he's doing and who he is doing it with- when he gets home I am going to wonder every time he walks out that door. Like the looser that I am I bought a couple of books I have been reading- one is Relationship Rescue by my buddy Dr. Phil and the other is called Surviving Infidelity which so far, seems a little hookey- but anyway I will read it and see if it gives me any insight into deciding whether I want this to continue, if I can get past what he has done to me or if it is time to cut the ties... I know the book thing is a long shot and in no way replaces therapy or counseling, but it is a start for me anyway . Anyway, I am sick- very very sick- so sick that everytime I swallow or cough I am sure it is going to kill me- just lovely- I am sure through no fault of my own I will most certainly pass it on to the kids and will then have 3 sick babies too... sigh... Oh oh, I forgot to tell you - check out this latest tidbit from CC- the other night he called and we're shooting the shit and he starts talking about the meeting he was just at and whatever and then tells me he thinks it would be a good idea if we all started going to church. I went silent for a while, and just said OK but then changed my mind and told him that I didn't believe in that and that going to church was not my thang and that if he wanted to go I would encourage it etc but that I was not interested. He seemed disappointed and then asked if he could bring the children with him- I told him I would have to check it out first and whatnot- but that I didn't see a problem in this if THEY wanted to do it. See this urkes me- first of all he was the one who was going on and on about not wanting to be preached at about God when he went to rehab- and that if they started he would leave because he doesn't go for that shit- and he was the one (and yes, me too) that almost didn't get married because even after we found a united church (he is catholic and I refused to get married in a catholic church) the priest or minister or whatever the hell he was made us come to church for like 3 weeks and we both loathed it and hated it so much we almost said fuck it and thought about eloping in Vegas (I know who am I kidding- I loved my wedding and all the planning that went with it- but still, it was brought up) and again both of us were the ones who didn't get the kids baptised because we wanted the kids to make their own choices about religion and not push any one of them on them- let them decide- even when his family was pulling a freak show about it and his mother was "ohhh so disappointed" neither of us has ever been religious to any degree- God and I (if that is what you want to call him) have issues- we are not friends, we do not play well together and therefore going to his house to praise his name- is not my bag baby- sorry charlie- not gonna do it- so anyway although I was surprised with his suggestion, I will not succome to going to church just because it is something he feels he needs to do- can't and won't - I will be supportive in other ways but not that way- you bible thump on your own buddy boy- so sorry . Anyway I am sure I have offended a million people by now, if I have - stop reading this then- I make no apologies for my NON religious beliefs..
Well well that was sure a rampage wasn't it? right........

So anyway the countdown is on, and before I know it I will be driving 3 1/2 hours to get home and bring him back to our happy little bubble here- I am just so scared that once I get him back here I will want him out- I don't know nice CC I don't know the CC who listens and has conversations and is willing to take part in our family, I don't know the CC who doesn't drink, or smoke pot or even do blow (not that I knew he was doing it anyway ) and I think I am scared because even if he turns out to be the way I have always wanted him to be and pretended he was to every one else, that I may not like CC that way- I may not like the new CC - what a kick in the ass that will be eh? HA! Anyway I need to go do laundry- SIGH.... talk amongst yourselves.....