Bittersweet Thanksgiving...

Last year at this time I had my family here at my home for Thanksgiving and he was at the Hospital spending time with dad- it was all very surreal- and still is- but I remember that day was fun- and I remember trying to do everything but think of the fact that dad was in the hospital and we were not going to be going to their house for Thanksgiving- and that we couldn't even send him a plate because at that point- eating was pretty much non-existent for him. A lot has changed in a year but yet so much has stayed the same except for one missing piece of the puzzle and that throws everything off- I mean everything- I miss him so much that it makes my stomach hurt- some days I still don't believe it or its like I almost forget and think when he call comes in from "mom & dad's" that its him on the other line instead of her.
This year I invited no one. No Thanksgiving here this time. We are going to their house today to celebrate Thanksgiving - it will be the first time in years because well, dad was sick for a couple of years before he passed and we couldn't do it- but everyone is coming. The house is up for sale now- and this will be the last Thanksgiving in that house, and it will break my heart. For that house to be gone it will take a little piece of me with it- for 20 years I "grew up" in that house. That house is the only one my kids ever knew as Nana and Papa's house- it is the closest thing to a childhood home I have ever had- and I will miss it because I see dad in every room- the paint on the walls the hardwood floors he installed the bar he built, his pool table- the pictures he hung- the fireplace ledge we would always sit on at Christmas, the deck I would find him sitting on feeding his friend chippy- and I know why she must sell it and get out of there- but selfishly I want her to keep it. I miss him and I wish he were here - I miss his laugh and how every time he did he would have to take his glasses off and wipe a tear from his eye- I miss him sitting at the head of the table- I miss he was the best male role model my kids ever have had or ever will have and I miss him getting a kick out of the funny things the kids say or do- I just miss him. I have spent the better part of the day crying- and now it is time to go there where he won't be- and be thankful - but I question that whole process- I am thankful- don't get me wrong- i am thankful for my babies and for my health and for just being a live- but I am not thankful he is not here- even if it does mean he is no longer in pain- I know that is awful- but I still wish he were here even if it meant he were still sick... I dunno - I just wish.....
so happy thanksgiving to all- hug someone you really love today and be thankful they are with you.....

SIGH.....

I had a dream about him last night. Nothing sexual- it was just a dream - it was an irrelevant dream- weird, unusual- but it felt good. Just being in his presence- even in a dream- it just felt good. I miss him so much. I miss sharing things with him- laughing with him- going places with him- I just miss him so much. It always seems this time of year when he comes back into my mind- I wish I could just call him- meet him for a coffee. Anyway I didn't want to wake up this morning- I just wanted to stay there with him in my dream....

Dear Lotto Fairy

I was just wondering if it could be my turn please. I am deserving and needing and would be oh so thankful if you could just please please let me have the jackpot this week, I promise I would help others- I would help so many people. And it would make me so happy. We could escape then- we could runaway from here and never look back and he couldn't have this control over us anymore. I could be happy and my kids could live without this bullshit- even if it is not the whole thing- just enough- just enough for us to get out.... I'd owe ya one...

Thank you for your consideration in this matter;

Yours very truly

Me

Spring-a-ling

Well, March Break is over now- and all my little chickens are sick- but we really did have a good break- spent time with my sister and Hannah and my cousin and her little guy and of course my bff. So we had a fun filled week- it was good- now this is the time of year when it really goes by fast- we will blink and it will be the end of the school year- time just goes by so fast. It's been a little over 5 months now since dad died. She is still angry- angry at the world- angry at all of those who would be, in her mind, lined up around the corner to spend time with her. problem is, I think no one really liked her that much to begin with (yes I know mean but true) and so with dad being gone- no one feels like they have to be phony anymore. She has no friends, no hobbies, she doesn't "do" anything. She shops and gets her hair done- that is it. Oh and she cleans. She has gotten rid of so much of dads stuff. - too quickly I think and is now debating about selling the house and moving. I feel bad for her of course and I know it is too soon after dads death- but she has to do something with her life- we cannot be her life- we cannot spend every single weekend with her like we have since he died- she has to find something- someone to communicate with to befriend- to do stuff with other than us...
Anyway I miss him a lot- and sometimes still cannot believe it is true.. I wish like hell it wasn't....

HATE IS SUCH A STRONG WORD... but completely appropriate here...

I hate you. I hate you for all the things you have done to me. I hate you for your lies. I hate you for your secrets. I hate you for your infidelity. I hate you for your immaturity. I hate you for your irresponsibility. I hate you for your laziness. I hate you for your inability to complete a task. I hate you for being so selfish. I hate you for never learning from mistakes. I hate you for being a shitty husband. I hate you for being a shittier father. I hate you for your drinking. I hate you for your drug abuse. I hate you for your lack of commitment. I hate you for the way you talk to people. I hate you for the way you think everyone owes you something I hate you for thinking I should have gotten over it by now. I hate you for never putting me first. I hate you for always putting yourself first. I hate you for not wanting to be with your kids. I hate you sitting in that recliner. I hate you for so many reasons I could probably sit here all night typing.... fuck- I hate your fucken guts......

Wish You Were Here

I wanted to be able to come on here and blog about how great things are going, about how things have changed and how I have hope again. But sadly, I have nothing new to say other than the fact that my premonitions of the MIL and her demands and needs have come true, that the changes in CC directly following his fathers death have all but vanished.. blended into the assholishness of him... Does that make sense? The asshole in him has sucked all the goodness that started shining through and ate it.. absorbed it. And also that I am still fat and have done nothing to change that...

So no, Dad dying hasn't made him better- for a while yes- but back to the same old thing. CC doesn't drink anymore-not really anyway. About a month or two ago he got drunk and was sick for like 2 weeks after- felt awful and so he says he'll never drink again. But you know what, I don't even care- that really hasn't been an issue and honestly- it isn't what made him an asshole- it just made him a different asshole- so either way it makes no difference..

So what else.. oh yes did I mention he hasn't worked since October? Oh, no? I didn't tell you that huh? well wait now- he left work (and rightfully so) when Dad got real bad- and after Dad died, he got a job offer but it was literally a week after and he was in no condition to go to work ('nuff said) and then of course Christmas snuck in there and he always seems to get laid off like right before that so there was no work to be found- and then well, next thing you know its the new year, and now February. He did get 2 weeks and a day in at one place and has something lined up for March 15 (ahhh the Ides of March-- great) but as for right now nothing- nothing- and more of nothing. So what has he done since he's been home? Let's see if I can compile a list for you. Oh yes there is the time he... oh wait now, no that was me.. oh but then there was that one time he... ohhh nope I am thinking of someone else.. oh I know I know he's done NOTHING!!!!!!!! Yes that's it fucken nothing- however he has been at his mother's house every fucken day doing this or that - changing light bulbs and clearing out this- replacing that- moving this- so I guess I can't say he hasn't done anything- he just hasn't done anything here. I suppose he thinks he is justified when he sits on the couch for days on end because well you know he had to do that thing at his mothers. They do seem to go to the casino an awful lot though- Yes, he seems to be able to get up and take her to the casino every weekend without question or comment- he's not losing money- sometimes makes a hundred bucks or so- but really? Is that all there is to do? I suppose so. And I say nothing- because that is usually the only time he is out of the house for any length of time and I just need him not to be here sometimes because seeing him sit on that couch day after fucken day makes me feel sick..

Speaking of, if I have to hear him cough one more time today I am going to gouge my eardrums out with a sharp object. He has the most annoying cough of anyone in the world and btw refuses to quit smoking even though he promised his dad on his death bed he would quit and his dad asked him a million times to quit when he was so sick and he said he would and we all gave him the grace period after dad died to help him cope- and really quitting while you are at home and not working would be easier that when he is at work where everyone smokes- but no- he says he wants to enjoy life... whatever - he is a selfish fucken prick and doesn't understand (even though he has just experience the same fucken thing) what an effect it would have on the children if he died- he doesn't care that his kids would have to go through what we just did- he knows how hard it is- but he doesn't care- fucken selfish- I guess the difference is that his dad was a GOOD DAD- and he is a shit dad- so maybe it won't affect the kids as much anyway- I have no respect for people that willfully put their own lives at risk - dad wanted to live and if he could take back every cigarette he ever had to give him one more month- or week or day- I know he would have- and then there are people like CC and people like Thelma's mother who almost died who struggles to take a breath most of the time but can still smoke however many smokes a day- people like that who have no regard for their lives- and people like dad who wanted to live so much- ... makes me mad- and sad... All I know is that I will be here for my babies- I will not leave them..

I miss dad very much- I could cry- still every time I talk of him. I look at pictures all the time. I go back and watch videos trying to hear his voice. I am so thankful I am such a shutterbug and took so many pictures- or any pictures for that matter; CC's side of the family definitely lacks in that area for sure. I am so glad that I would call him and ask him to come with me when I would take the kids somewhere cause I know CC wouldn't go- I am glad my kids have memories of that too. I hate that he isn't here anymore- and sometimes I still don't believe it- sometimes I cannot wrap my mind around it and that makes me mad and terribly terribly sad- I wish he were here to talk some sense into his stupid son- I wish he were here to finish my kitchen cupboards that CC started almost a year ago and hasn't touched since, I wish he were here to see how well the kids are doing in school and how pretty Pickle is and how tall Curly is finally getting. I wish he was here to see Little Man's drawings. I wish I could make him a rainbow cake- and sit with him on the swing while he listened to the stories I would tell him about the kids.. I just wish he were here..

I call Bullshit....

I don't mean to sound like a broken record- but I miss Dad like crazy. It is absolutely inconceivable to me that he is dead- That we will go through the rest of our lives never seeing him or talking to him again- that He is removed from the face of this earth- it is just fucken crazy to me- Still, the mere mention of his name brings me to tears- still the mere thought of him being dead makes me ill- and the realization of it all has not fully taken its toll I think, and truthfully, I don't think it ever will- it just seems to unreal- like this couldn't have possible have happened- there is no way he is dead and that he is not going to call any second and ask me to come and cut his hair or ask if CC has done this or that around the house - it just does not seem possible...

The New Year

Well, that's it- the kids' birthday is over, Christmas, New Years and even CC's birthday- over and done with- and I must say that this past 3 weeks has been a blur- literally- not because I was overly busy or anything- it just went by so incredibly fast and to be quite honest, I felt like I wasn't even here for any of it. I know weird right- but I feel like I was outside my body most of the time. and of course, I felt like something was missing- and he was- Dad was missing throughout all of it. I cannot even tell you how my heart aches. When someone dies, you feel so badly for the family- but you know what- you don't get it- you really cannot fathom the hurt and sorrow and sadness and longing- until you experience it first hand- you cannot know- but I know now- and it kills me- and it angers me and saddens me and horrifies me and scares me- I just want him back. sometimes, I still don't think it is real. I feel like maybe he has gone away on a trip- and will be home again- or he is still in the hospital- its all so fucked up... I just wish I could fix it all- and make all of our pain go away- I had the thought of going through the rest of my life without him- it is so unreal. The course of all of our lives have now changed because it will never be what it could have been because he is no longer here- its odd to think about isn't it? I mean really- his death changed so many lives- and the course of all of our lives- its fucked up... I miss him- I love him - and I hate that we spent Halloween without him, and celebrated the kids birthday without him, and had Christmas Eve here instead of at his house without him- and all the other things that follow- I hate it- Don't get me wrong though, I am also grateful. I am smoke free (still) and I am feeling pretty good these days and I have my babies and they are healthy and they love school this year and I am happy- and just so fucken thankful to be alive and well and have the people I love...I just wish he was here too....