ENOUGH TO MAKE YOU CRY

So CC, is still gone and tonight Curly comes up to me with a piece of paper and a crayon and asks me to help him write a message- so the message went as follows as dictated by Curly:

"Dear Dad. I love You . I want to see you tomorrow. P.s. I love you."

And if that wasn't cute enough.. he then asks me to make the paper into a paper airplane.. which I start to do and then I ask him- why and he says- so we can throw it in the wind and it will float to Daddy- CAN YOU FUCKEN STAND IT? How cute is that... Too bad their dad is such an asshole....

Mooooooo

So the summer is going by soooo quickly it is scary- I feel sorry for the kids- not that they say anything- but I feel like I have ripped them off, like I haven't done anything with them this summer- we've done some visiting, and had a couple of playdates and yesterday I took them for a movie (never again by the way) but I feel like they haven't done much this summer- Mind you they are only 4 - what the hell do they know? But still, I want to make the most of the summer - this September they go to school all day every other day and it will be so much for them... sigh.. anyway today was nice though- they had a playdate and I got 3 hours by myself! The first time I think since CC went away! It was glorious! I spent like 2 hours in Walmart... ohhh sigh speaking of which- you know sometimes I look at myself and think, no, I'm not so bad, I'm not really that fat- and then, you go and try to buy some clothes... then reality punches you right in the fucken face! Because I had the time alone, I was at Walmart and I was trying to find a bathing suit wherein I didn't look like a cow, and sadly, there was no avoiding that. So I gave up and went shopping for some capris or shorts or something like that- I mean I can't wear pants every day of my life can I? And, maybe I am shopping at the wrong stores, or maybe, more probably I guess, I am just wayyyyy fatter that I even think I am and there is no getting away from it. Who the hell is a size 00 anyway??? That's just wrong!!!!!

OH YES, YOU WILL BE MINE

Ok so Prince's wife is divorcing him, which leaves him wide open for me! plenty of room in the Bridlepath mansion for me and the kids and of course Nikki- it's just perfect! Call me! I'm waiting! HA!

GOD I FEEL OLD

So apparently, as of today, I am exactly 12679 days old. Jesus- as if I didn't feel old enough saying I was 34......



This is just going to be a quickly post as I have major cleaning to do tonight- yes its midnight and I have only just begun. Today I decided to gut the toy shelf and take everything off of it and re-organize. But ya know when you start a big task like that and you get like right into it at first and then you loose momentum and then after a while it like Why the fuck did I start something like this? WHYYYYYY????? That's where I am right now- I got distracted while I was in prime mode- how unusual- and then we had baseball practice and then we went grocery shopping- yes, that's right me and the 3 little pigs- now that's an adventure...Anyway I got out of the mode and now I have piles of toys in the floor to put away. Incidentally, at practice tonight something odd happened- Curly was out on the field and they were doing some kind of drills and all of a sudden the couch is yelling for me and I look at Curly and his nose is just pouring blood and I mean pouring down the front of him, dripping on the ground- it was unreal. It lasted quite a while too- his shirt is done for- my shoes, covered in blood and we left a nice "crime scene" like puddle in the parking lot of the baseball field... Anyway it really bothered me, that kind of shit just doesn't seem normal to me.....
By the way the reason I have much cleaning to do is because infant development is coming here tomorrow to do the final assessment on the kids- we've had a nice lady coming since I came home with the babies- first it was every 2 weeks then every month now its every 6 months and they just check the kids are progressing well developmentally which they always have been and they used to give me tips and advice on what to do with them to get them to let's say to walk or to write you know - anyway tomorrow will be the final visit and it's kinda sad in a way- that means of course my babies are getting older and well hell, they aren't babies anymore... oh no, don't go there again.... stop it you- cut the cord already!!!

Ok one more thing before I go- now I don't know yet if I am getting it or not- but my sister got an application form for this Ontario daycare supplement thing that "all families" are supposedly going to get to either help in child care costs or to help ease the "suffering" of stay at home parents- like me who can't work because they can't afford daycare- now- here's the thing- it already pisses me off that I have 3 kids under the age of 5 and only get 130$ a month for Child tax credit when there are some who get 3-400$ a month- just because CC makes ok money- ok money is great but when you're supporting 4 other people you might as well be making the minimum and get all the benefits of GST CTB and now this daycare shit because we are no farther ahead and because they base it on last years income- well last year- up until December we had a good year but since December of last year he's been off like 5 months in total so we're fucked. Anyway if my sister doesn't qualify for it on what she makes then I certainly won't either and that is fucken bullshit if you ask me -we are just getting by- (thanks to Visa that is) and this $ would really make a difference.. anyway I fucken hate the Canadian government- unless you are a fucken immigrant or a welfare piece of shit you get nothing- you cannot get ahead because the more you make the more you take- fucken bastards....

That is all.....

SHO FLY DON'T BOTHER ME

How long can flies live? I'd like to fucken know because I swear I have had the same 2 fucken flies in my house for a week now- I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to fucken pummel them and I swear they are mocking me- flying past my ear every chance they can get- no matter what room I am in they follow me- bastards!!!!

Anyway last night I had another one of those stay up all night crying nights- it was at least 4 a.m. before I fell asleep and I was so tired but I just couldn't sleep. Got into a fight with CC who is still in Windsor by the way. He just urkes me. He's not even here and he still urkes me to no end. He's just leading the party life out there don't ya know- going out every night- for "drinks" and dinner and golfing this day and casino that day- must be fucken nice while I'm fucken here trapped like a fucken rat unable to do much and with absolutely no time to myself at all- ever- I can't even run to the store or do anything- it fucken sucks ass. I mean I am used to him not doing fucken anything at all ever but at least I could say oh I'm just running to the store (and of course all the while planning on making a hundred different stops) and then he couldn't do anything about it- but now its just impossible. Like today I could have gone to my mama M's for the day to see all my old work friends of which I haven't see for 3 + years but no- on my own- no one to look after the kids.. Anyway I have ranted about this before but the bottom line is I just don't trust him at all and I know if he has the opportunity he will do something and I have no way at all of knowing what the fuck is going on there and it drives me mad. At least when he is here I have a bit more insight as to what is happening... asshole... and the kids- they haven't even asked for him or anything- like they don't even care- what does that say? And when he does call he doesn't even ask to talk to them.. nice father - what a fucken dick.....

So I went to my mothers' on Friday night and God damnit I don't know why I do it to myself- its all so negative there- always an issue with everything- always yelling and just so fucked up- they are all just so fucked up and it fucken drives me- I used to literally worry myself sick worrying about them all but now I am just so disgusted so utterly done with all of them that it wouldn't bother me one bit if I never saw any of them again....

So a friend of mine has decided to separate from her husband- we have all known each other most of our lives and they have been together forever even before marriage - S said she had a new sense of self, like a new confidence and that is what finally made her do it. I think I need to find that confidence somewhere inside myself and get on with things instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen.. I got to start making changes for me and come up with a back up plan... I don't want to be old and alone and unhappy-

PURPLE RAIN

So last night I ended up staying up until after 3 a.m. unintentionally of course reading old emails between me and Scarecrow which I have always meant to delete but never have. So literally 4 years of emails I went through- hundreds. So I basically re-lived four years of my life last night and I tell you- it was like I was living it all over again- the sadness and the laughter and all of that - it was weird and then of course I dreamt about him all last night- NO not sexual or anything- just flashes you know- and then I woke up missing him. I still can't believe he is no longer a part of my life. He was my best friend. That fucken sucks. I still think about him almost every day- like seriously- I really do at some point pretty much every day I think about what he's doing or something will remind me of him or whatever- it's all quite sad... I wonder if he does the same or if I am just a distant memory... anyway I could go on and on - but I better not...


I never meant 2 cause u any sorrow
I never meant 2 cause u any pain
I only wanted 2 one time see u laughing
I only wanted 2 see u laughing in the purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u bathing in the purple rain
I never wanted 2 be your weekend lover
I only wanted 2 be some kind of friend
Baby I could never steal u from another
It's such a shame our friendship had 2 end
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
I only wanted 2 see u underneath the purple rain
Honey I know, I know, I know times are changing
It's time we all reach out 4 something new
That means u 2
U say u want a leader
But u can't seem 2 make up your mind
I think u better close it
And let me guide u 2 the purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
Purple rain Purple rain
If you know what I'm singing about up here
C'mon raise your hand
Purple rain Purple rain
I only want 2 see u, only want 2 see u In the purple rain......

BUH BYE NOW, BUH BYE

So CC got a job and started today- Guess where?? WINDSOR! So he's off with 3 or 4 other guys to not make any more money than he was making here mind you- its just a regular job which is costing us more in the long run because now he has to pay to stay somewhere and food and everything else... whatever.. he's not here anyway so that's all I care about- Opps.... did I say that out loud? So already he hasn't answered any of my text messages or calls today- mmmm... did I expect anything less? Nope.... whatever....


So yesterday was the circus. I asked SH to come with because of course CC was gone already. And didn't we end up sitting right behind the kids' friend (favourite friend I might add) from school! It was so bizarre. Anyway the kids had a great time- they loved it. I felt bad because I had bought the tickets months ago and of course with CC not working I had like NO money and of course they had like elephant rides and face painting and everything and I couldn't get them a thing other than popcorn and cotton candy. Although it was fucken ridiculous anyway- everything was like $10-$15.00 each and of course with the 3 of them that triples everything.. anyway they had a great time and that's all that counts. On the same note, Saturday was the MIL's (mother-inlaw) birthday and we couldn't get her anything either and today is my sisters birthday and well, same goes. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHICKIE!! SORRY AGAIN FOR NOT CALLING YOU FIRST ! So anyway it's all rather depressing and now that CC is out of town and making shit money- and I am stuck here with the 3 kids but can't do anything because we have no money. And of course I am trapped. What I mean is that now everything is just fucked. I can't even go buy a pack of smokes without bringing the 3 of them with me or do grocery shopping or anything. Even though CC doesn't do fuck all at least I could leave him for a few minutes with them to do that kind of stuff... It sucks but at least he's not just lying here on the couch smelling up the room....

Ok so here's the pics of Pickle I promised- couldn't ya just smack her!? too much... Anyway- boy's room is done finally and next it's on to my room- so more work and mo' money- oh yes did I mention CC is unemployed again? Oh yes, we're on week 2 now- I could just barf... Let's not talk about it though- I'll plug my ears and hope it goes away, literally.... Anyway off to the eye dr today to get Pickle's eyes checked and see what the deal is- I hope there is nothing wrong, I can't handle shit like that.
I spoke to my Girl's from work this morning! I haven't in ages and its' awful, but at least I know no matter how much time goes by, it's still the same you know- it's good that way-

What else? ... mmmm Not much - oh yeah I'll post some of the pics of when we went out that night. I got drunk yes- but nothing too ridiculous... we grafittied all over the bathroom walls like immature little teenagers.. so gay... ok that is all...