How long can flies live? I'd like to fucken know because I swear I have had the same 2 fucken flies in my house for a week now- I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to fucken pummel them and I swear they are mocking me- flying past my ear every chance they can get- no matter what room I am in they follow me- bastards!!!!
Anyway last night I had another one of those stay up all night crying nights- it was at least 4 a.m. before I fell asleep and I was so tired but I just couldn't sleep. Got into a fight with CC who is still in Windsor by the way. He just urkes me. He's not even here and he still urkes me to no end. He's just leading the party life out there don't ya know- going out every night- for "drinks" and dinner and golfing this day and casino that day- must be fucken nice while I'm fucken here trapped like a fucken rat unable to do much and with absolutely no time to myself at all- ever- I can't even run to the store or do anything- it fucken sucks ass. I mean I am used to him not doing fucken anything at all ever but at least I could say oh I'm just running to the store (and of course all the while planning on making a hundred different stops) and then he couldn't do anything about it- but now its just impossible. Like today I could have gone to my mama M's for the day to see all my old work friends of which I haven't see for 3 + years but no- on my own- no one to look after the kids.. Anyway I have ranted about this before but the bottom line is I just don't trust him at all and I know if he has the opportunity he will do something and I have no way at all of knowing what the fuck is going on there and it drives me mad. At least when he is here I have a bit more insight as to what is happening... asshole... and the kids- they haven't even asked for him or anything- like they don't even care- what does that say? And when he does call he doesn't even ask to talk to them.. nice father - what a fucken dick.....
So I went to my mothers' on Friday night and God damnit I don't know why I do it to myself- its all so negative there- always an issue with everything- always yelling and just so fucked up- they are all just so fucked up and it fucken drives me- I used to literally worry myself sick worrying about them all but now I am just so disgusted so utterly done with all of them that it wouldn't bother me one bit if I never saw any of them again....
So a friend of mine has decided to separate from her husband- we have all known each other most of our lives and they have been together forever even before marriage - S said she had a new sense of self, like a new confidence and that is what finally made her do it. I think I need to find that confidence somewhere inside myself and get on with things instead of sitting back and waiting for something to happen.. I got to start making changes for me and come up with a back up plan... I don't want to be old and alone and unhappy-
2 comments:
Gotta say...... You made ME feel better just reading you fucking everything in site. I literely felt my stress melt away as I read your post. THANK YOU!
Hope you got the flies, they CAN be persistant little things.
Best wishes with the rest...
Deep breath....
Chill.
Seriously, you're going to kill yourself through stress if you don't chillax. Your husband sounds like (pardon the language) a total knob. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and nine months (WAAH! When did that happen??? That's 21 months!!) and he went thru a patch exactly like that - going away and living the life and it drove me CRAZY because... well lets just say I later found out he wasn't behaving himself while he was gone.
Obviously its very different for you cos he's the father of your kids and all but just...
*ahem* F*ck him.
He's seriously not worth it. You sound like you have beautiful children, and its his loss missing out on you guys. Yes he's a selfish so-and-so - get out there and make more friends!! You don't NEED him. Or, well, maybe you do. Even at his worst I still needed the boyf.
Arrrrghhhh. Life's a bitch.
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