DID YA MISS ME?????

Ok so I'm back from vacation- Actually I was back Saturday but honestly I needed the last couple of days to regroup and relax- no, no, not much relaxing on this vacation- I will get into it more later- let ya'll know about the details and such- it was good for the most part- but not much rest and relaxation. So I will post some pics here to give you a sneak preview of the week and fill you all in later - I have no motivation for anything right now....

TOTAL WASTE OF TIME

Ok so I am so mad at myself. Today I did nothing I mean absolutely fucken nothing- I started doing a hundred different things- but stopped. I have a list of 87 different things I need to do or get or pack before Saturday morning and considering my kids were actually good today - I could have done any number of them or better yet all of them but I didn't. I did fucken nothing from the time I got up until this very moment other than posting a blog and answering a few emails. What a waste- I just couldnt get myself to do a thing today- the kids are lucky they even got fed! Anyway I would just like to say that I would invite anyone to say "shoulda, coulda" Or "that's what you get" when on Friday night I am blogging about how much I have to do and poor me and boo hoo.... so there ya go- y'all can give it to me good then- I will deserve it.....

TEMPTATION

Shadows call you from the darkness
begging you to come with them.
You want to-
nothing keeps you here.
Mot love
not friendship
or hope.
But you decline.
You're not sure why;
and you probably won't know for years to come
but you stay
and hope someday
you'll be thankful you did...

I'M FEELING VECLEMPT- TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES

So today was a day- a bad day- It started off on such a great note, but soon enough even my surprise package couldn't keep the smile on my face.. It was just a bad day and Yes, I know we all have them (as I was reminded about 50 times tonight by the MIL) Anyway nothing significant happened- the kids were just extra super bad today- fighting, yelling, jumping, making a mess- just crazy, into everything - uncontrollable, disrespectful, crying, whining, screaming, rude, wasteful... oh my god take a breath girl! It was just a bad day. I had a lump in my throat all day- you know the one you get right before you are going to cry- and if someone says the wrong thing to you it hurts almost, until you swallow real hard and then the tears flow.... haven't gotten to that point yet- the lump is still there but I will wait until they go to bed (which is any second now). Anyway it wasn't just the kids its just everything- I am lonely and tired of cleaning up after the kids, never getting to finish anything, etc etc etc. And even though I have that light (vacation in T MINUS 3 DAYS, 12 HOURS AND COUNTING) there's just something missing- and maybe its just the hum drum of spending each and every waking moment with 3, 4-year olds who don't have the mental capacity to appreciate anything- or maybe it's that the In laws come over 3 times a week but yet I never get a break- they never say- go out-we'll stay here with the kids. Maybe it's because tonight when we took the kids to the park- there were all of these families there- husbands and wives with their children playing, just being together- and I know that even if CC was here- that would never be there with us- I think (and I am not exaggerating in any way) there was this one time when the kids were just under a year old that he came to the park with us- anyway maybe it's because I am scared that I am just not enough- and that yes it is too much for me and I have never been able to admit it- Maybe ME is just not enough for them- I always worry about splitting my time with them- making sure to pay attention to all of them- praise all of them.. doing enough with them, for them. Maybe I am just thinking all of this because it was a bad day- but I am afraid I am not enough and I am screwing up my kids- when it all becomes too much- I have no release- and I find myself screaming at them, and being angry. Maybe I am afraid I am going to turn out like my mother- an angry bitter fat old woman....

THE KINDNESS OF ALMOST STRANGERS

This morning I was pleasantly surprised by a knock on the door. When I opened it, there stood a delivery man (and a cute one at that) with a package for me! Well, first of all, a package, or anything I receive in the mail or otherwise is like Christmas to me. I looove getting mail! Anyway I had no idea what it could be so I opened it as quickly as I could and there were 3 books inside. I looked at the hand written notes tucked into a couple of the books and discovered they were from my new friend Patty- and I just about cried. A few blogs back I had written 25 random things about me and one of the things I had written was that I hadn't read a book in a very long time; and here were 3 new books for me to get started on. Now how is that- how is it that someone that I had just "met" (and we haven't even met officially by the way) would go out of their way- and do something for me - had me specifically in mind. I am just floored by the thoughtfulness and kindness she has shown me. In a recent blog of hers she had written about how hard it was for her to treat herself the same way she treats others- I too have a hard time being nice to me you know- and even though I should be giving her shit for yet again doing something for someone else- I just want to reach out and give her a big hug- because today I know someone thought about me and care enough to surprise me and made me feel good - so today I am sending a great big hug and thank you to a kind soul. And now, I am going to pour myself a cup of coffee and open up a book and read- until of course someone starts screaming for me or there is juice to clean up off the floor or they start wrestling or punching eachother. So thank you Patty- you really made my day......

A LITTLE BIT O' BRILLIANCE

I don't know who wrote this- but it is brilliant....

"Loving you, is giving you my heart, knowing you have the ability to break it but trusting that you won't"

SAYS WHO?

Apparently, this is what being born in November means....




Your Birth Month is November

Tolerant and inspirational, you are wise beyond your years.
You are universally sympathetic and a great humanitarian.

Your soul reflects: Compassion, friendship, and secret love

Your gemstone: Citrine

Your flower: Chrysanthemum

Your colors: Dark blue, red, and yellow

25 RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME

1. I am short
2. I have never liked my body - not even as a small child- (no I am not anorexic)
3. I have a phobia about cutting my hair even though it would probably look better short.
4. I am a packrat and loathe the thought of throwing things out (no, not food or garbage- just stuff)
5. I have an obsession with pictures- I take as many as a hundred a week.- Most of them suck though.
6. I have been with CC for 16 years (in 2 weeks) almost half of my life....
7. I used to be a very good singer- my school used to pay for me to go to music camps to sing to represent the school.
8. I also used to fit into a size 3- and in fact I still have jeans in a size 3 that I will for some reason, not throw out (see #4)
9. I looove chocolate- I could eat it for every meal- I really really could.
10. I have never in my life thrown up from drinking- and I have drunk a lot!
11. I have never tried acid or coke or anything like that- pot and mushrooms is as much as I have ever tried- I was too scared- still am.
12. Even though I have my precious beautiful triplets, I lost 7 before them and I still think about that a lot- even though I am eternally grateful to have the 3 I do.
13. I have a birthmark on my wrist that looks like a hickey.
14. Other than my wedding day, I have never had a manicure or pedicure. (and even then I only had fake nails put on- does that count?)
15. I smoke, and I have asthma. I quit when I was pregnant (each time) and I should never have started up again- but I did- DUMB!
16. I haven't worn my wedding rings in about 2 years.
17. I haven't read a book (other than kiddie books) in about 5 years- maybe more- that's brutal.
18. I used to write in a journal everyday; since I was very very young. Now I wish I never stopped because there are some points in my life I do not recall-
19. I can wiggle my ears.
20. Other than my one son, I had totally different names in mind for the other 2 but I backed down because everyone hated them.
21. I never finished high school- 1 credit short.
22. I slouch like crazy- it is awful. I started doing it subconsciously when I hit puberty because my boobs were so large - now I can't stop doing it.
23. I have the worst short-term memory.
24. I have very bad hearing- and am terrified to get it checked out.
25 Dr.'s terrify me in general- everytime I go they find something wrong.

MONDAY=FUNDAY

So after CC left yesterday we took the kids to Ontario Place. We didn't get there until afternoon- but the kids had a great time- although Pickle noted on the way home that I ruined her life. She was mad at me because we left and didn't stay for another "16 hundred hours". But other than that it was fun- Little Miss was sweet as pie as usual. Next stop- VACATION!!

I STAND CORRECTED

Ok well, mmm... how can I say this? Ummm well, I was wrong- dead wrong. The weekend was great- we did everything together and there was no sitting around wasting time watching hours of tv. We went out, did some shopping, took the kids for lunch - took them to an arcade and mini-golf which they loved- had a good old fashion barbecue- we did it all- and it was nice he didn't make one attempted to call his friends and go golfing or out- - he seemed quite content to be where he was- which never seems to be the case. So it was nice- but it went by so fast. Ok and get this- when he left and we were all saying good bye I got all veclempt and tears welled up in my eyes and I couldn't talk in fear of breaking down. I don't know if it was because of the kids- and how they were all hugging him and telling him they will miss him, or if it was because I will miss him, or maybe because I was sad that things couldn't always be the way they were this past weekend, - I don't know why- but I teared up- and he saw it too- I know he did (but you know men- can't handle emotion- let's pretend we didn't see anything) anyway it was strange- I thought about it a lot yesterday as to why- and I don't really know... but anyway it was good weekend afterall- although I blew my diet totally..... sigh... oh well, it's a new day....

SEX MAKES YA SKINNY

Mmmmm... Ok maybe it's just me but does anyone else feel really skinny after sex? I have always felt this way- but for about maybe a half hour afterwards I feel skinny- smaller- I don't know what it is- and of course I am not- but for that little bit of time after - I feel exactly how I want to feel all the time...

THE HOMECOMING

So CC is coming home tomorrow (today really, it's 2 a.m.). Anyway I don't expect him until about 9 p.m. and as of now we don't have plans per se but he has promised to take little Curly to the driving range to use his clubs that he just had to buy last year for the first time this year. So let's see if that happens. He was also pissed drunk when I talked to him this evening (surprise surprise) so we will see what happens. I was hoping to have a BBQ on Saturday with a couple of friends of ours but it may not happen as they have tentative plans- I really hope they do though- I could use a "sit back and have a few beavies" kind a night, but we'll see. I can expect however to do laundry this weekend as he let me know he "didn't get a chance to do any" the last few days- which means "at all- ever" and I will be spending the majority of my weekend washing his bacon stripped undies... sigh... anyway I am trying to keep positive- I may be pleasantly surprised and the weekend may go swimmingly..... HAHAHAHAHAHA ! Who the hell am I kidding??? Anyway in case I don't write during the weekend- expect an update after he leaves on Monday... Place your bets!!!!!

MISUNDERSTOOD

OK something has been bothering me for quite some time
now and I keep avoiding the subject and not even blogging it on the off chance
this person will read it- but I'm going to write it anyway because I need to get
it off my chest and because this person doesn't need anymore stress in her life
and I feel badly for even feeling this way, I won't say anything to her because
I don't want to hurt her even though I am hurting right now- but I do feel this
way and even if what I am thinking is not the case, I feel this way and I am
going to write about it and maybe it will make me feel better. We cannot help
how we feel after all, can we.
Ok my best friend in the whole wide world
means everything to me and any chance I can get I will go to see her and spend
as much time with her as I can- I miss her terribly all of the time and it
bothers me she isn't so close anymore and we don't see eachother often... Now,
here is the deal- S. and CC don't get along- well, I shouldn't say that- they
can and have but S doesn't like CC too much and I can't say as I blame her and
definitely do not fault her for that in anyway- so... When CC went away quite a
number of times she suggested she come and stay for a couple of days either with
or without her kids- just for a change of scenery, and just to hang out together
you know. So one week it was this reason the next that reason and the next yet
another reason, all of which had validity I know-- but definitely I think it was
more of she didn't want to or couldn't be bothered. Now this coming down here to
stay thing has been a topic of conversation since my kids were born. Even with
CC here. More over we would have converstaions (a million times) where she would
say "get rid of your hubby for a weekend and I will come down" So I thought for
sure with there being no chance of him being here to spoil anything she would
come- but no. And then of course on another note, months ago when my sister and
I booked a cottage for a week in August she was all gung ho about renting one at
the same time and we went on and on about how fun it would be- and months went
by and she didn't book didn't book, and I figured ok she's not going to go away
and then she called yesterday (which is what got all of this into my mind to
begin with) and said she was booking for a few days- the week before we're
going- well, a couple of days anyway and in fact leaving the day before we go...
I was just crushed- what would have been the difference booking a couple of days
later so we could all go together? That's what started me thinking that it must
be me- or maybe my kids. I know they are a handful but maybe that is what it is,
maybe that is why she continually avoids coming to my house (she has been to my
house once in almost 2 years) and no matter how many times we plan things-
something always comes up- now yes, it is me as well, not being able to go up
there after we have planned something- I know shit happens, but every chance I
get I go up there and to lug 3 kids with me each time- its a bit much - and even
when they were babies I did it- every time I go running and yet no one ever
comes here- Christmas holidays- nothing- march break nothing- summer nothing- it
doesn't matter when it's talked about- it just never seems to happen- I don't
understand it- maybe it is truly all coincidental- but it makes you wonder after
a while. But yet- if our crazy friend M calls- then she will go to her- or spend
a weekend with her- or have her over with her kid- or go to nut houses to see
her and everything else- yet with me it is different. She knows I am alone 90%
of the time, she knows I love her to death and would see her every day if I
could- but yet there is no effort at all- absolutely none and I am so saddened
by it all- I don't want to fight about it because I am not mad- no not mad at
all - just hurt and not understanding what it is about me that is so hard to
make an effort for- I cried my eyes out when I got off the phone with her
yesterday- I just don't understand it- I know she is close with her family and
they see eachother every single day but even that- when she would come down here
to visit her mom before she moved up there- she would come down for days and
never bother to call and say she was down so I could come and visit or they
would go out (down here) and never bother to call and say hey we're going here
or there "met us there" never! Well ok maybe once or twice- but I dunno- I am
just hurt and sad, I just don't understand..... and that is all I have to say
about that- and incidentally- it didn't make me feel better...
sigh.....