MISUNDERSTOOD

OK something has been bothering me for quite some time
now and I keep avoiding the subject and not even blogging it on the off chance
this person will read it- but I'm going to write it anyway because I need to get
it off my chest and because this person doesn't need anymore stress in her life
and I feel badly for even feeling this way, I won't say anything to her because
I don't want to hurt her even though I am hurting right now- but I do feel this
way and even if what I am thinking is not the case, I feel this way and I am
going to write about it and maybe it will make me feel better. We cannot help
how we feel after all, can we.
Ok my best friend in the whole wide world
means everything to me and any chance I can get I will go to see her and spend
as much time with her as I can- I miss her terribly all of the time and it
bothers me she isn't so close anymore and we don't see eachother often... Now,
here is the deal- S. and CC don't get along- well, I shouldn't say that- they
can and have but S doesn't like CC too much and I can't say as I blame her and
definitely do not fault her for that in anyway- so... When CC went away quite a
number of times she suggested she come and stay for a couple of days either with
or without her kids- just for a change of scenery, and just to hang out together
you know. So one week it was this reason the next that reason and the next yet
another reason, all of which had validity I know-- but definitely I think it was
more of she didn't want to or couldn't be bothered. Now this coming down here to
stay thing has been a topic of conversation since my kids were born. Even with
CC here. More over we would have converstaions (a million times) where she would
say "get rid of your hubby for a weekend and I will come down" So I thought for
sure with there being no chance of him being here to spoil anything she would
come- but no. And then of course on another note, months ago when my sister and
I booked a cottage for a week in August she was all gung ho about renting one at
the same time and we went on and on about how fun it would be- and months went
by and she didn't book didn't book, and I figured ok she's not going to go away
and then she called yesterday (which is what got all of this into my mind to
begin with) and said she was booking for a few days- the week before we're
going- well, a couple of days anyway and in fact leaving the day before we go...
I was just crushed- what would have been the difference booking a couple of days
later so we could all go together? That's what started me thinking that it must
be me- or maybe my kids. I know they are a handful but maybe that is what it is,
maybe that is why she continually avoids coming to my house (she has been to my
house once in almost 2 years) and no matter how many times we plan things-
something always comes up- now yes, it is me as well, not being able to go up
there after we have planned something- I know shit happens, but every chance I
get I go up there and to lug 3 kids with me each time- its a bit much - and even
when they were babies I did it- every time I go running and yet no one ever
comes here- Christmas holidays- nothing- march break nothing- summer nothing- it
doesn't matter when it's talked about- it just never seems to happen- I don't
understand it- maybe it is truly all coincidental- but it makes you wonder after
a while. But yet- if our crazy friend M calls- then she will go to her- or spend
a weekend with her- or have her over with her kid- or go to nut houses to see
her and everything else- yet with me it is different. She knows I am alone 90%
of the time, she knows I love her to death and would see her every day if I
could- but yet there is no effort at all- absolutely none and I am so saddened
by it all- I don't want to fight about it because I am not mad- no not mad at
all - just hurt and not understanding what it is about me that is so hard to
make an effort for- I cried my eyes out when I got off the phone with her
yesterday- I just don't understand it- I know she is close with her family and
they see eachother every single day but even that- when she would come down here
to visit her mom before she moved up there- she would come down for days and
never bother to call and say she was down so I could come and visit or they
would go out (down here) and never bother to call and say hey we're going here
or there "met us there" never! Well ok maybe once or twice- but I dunno- I am
just hurt and sad, I just don't understand..... and that is all I have to say
about that- and incidentally- it didn't make me feel better...
sigh.....