THE RETURN OF CC PART ONE

Ok people, after a long sabbatical, I am back and here to share with you all how my life has been since CC came home. First and foremost- thanks for all your thoughts and best wishes for me and my 3 little pigs getting better- which we all did and still are- whew.....
OK so Wednesday the 7th, I dropped the kids back off at school and sent off on my long journey to pick up CC- the weather was bad, and at one point I thought very seriously about turning around and calling the centre to tell them to tell CC he would have to take a bus home, which was incidentally, an option we had discussed, but nevertheless, I continued on and the last hour or so wasn't too bad at all. So I get there early even, and I knew all the boys would be in a meeting from 3-4 so I sat on the leather couches in the waiting area for him to come out. I heard things wrapping up and all these guys came out staring at me, some asking who I was, some assuming who I was, all of them trying to be charming and initiating small talk with me which I was not at all interested in. To be quite honest, I was terribly excited to see him. I felt like I was in one of those scenes you see in all those love stories, where the person is getting off the plane and all of the people are coming out and the person is looking and looking past the sea of bodies coming out and they always seem to be the last one off the plane- anyway he had gone upstairs through the back way to grab his bag, and when he came down, I was surrounded by everyone there it seemed, all wanting to talk to me or wish us luck or telling me some funny little incident about CC's time there- he came through the crowd and hugged me and then turned to hug and say goodbye to a few others there and I picked up some of his stuff and we started walking out. By this time most of the guys had gathered outside the front doors for a smoke and they were all in a line on either side of the walkway- and again I felt myself feeling like I was in a movie of some sort- it was almost laughable- I felt so stupid walking down the line of guys while CC stopped and shook hands and hugged each one of them. It was weird- anyway it had since started to snow and I encouraged him to get to the van so we could get home before things got too bad. He offered to drive - I am so glad for that- I was not looking forward to it. Anyway when we first pulled out, I saw him all teary-eyed. He started to cry a bit- saying how much he would miss it, the place itself and the guys- and that he was scared. He talked a lot- and I listened, fascinated by the things coming out of his mouth- how positive, he was yet he looked and sounded so vulnerable. The weather was getting worse and worse as we drove on and we ended up stopping a few times to let the snow calm down a bit. It was actually fun- and I can't believe I am saying that- to be in a car with him for what turned out to be a 5 hour trip home. We talked and laughed and I listened to all of his stories. I told him about the things I had read and all of the things I was looking forward to. Now normally I would feel dumb about sharing things with him- because normally he would give me a look like I was an idiot or that I was cheesy- but he seemed genuinely intrigued with what I was saying and his thoughts were clear and precise and honest. It was nice. So we finally make it home. His parents had come to my house and picked the kids up from school after I had left and they seemed quite ready to leave after we got back- the kids were all excited and I could see that CC was getting a bit overwhelmed. After all, he hasn't really been around them for almost 8 months and the last month and a bit he has been in this peaceful serene place and then comes home to 3 little monkeys all wanting his attention at the same time, all wanting to tell him something at the same time. I get overwhelmed a lot of the time too and I am pretty patient. Anyway soon after I got the kids to bed and I could see his mind racing. I had picked him up a copy of NA (narcotics anonymous) and he had about 4 other books that he got while he was there including AA and these little prayer books, thoughts for the day etc etc. He was quite excited for me to read them as well so I made a deal that I would read the two books with him every day- the ones that has a message of the day or thought or prayer. So we each read the passages for the day and we talked and talked about lots of different things. I got on the internet and we started searching for a place he could go to the next day for a meeting. I didn't want a single day to go by before he went to one- not that he did- but I just initiated it - got the ball rolling. So we found a few places and the next night he went to a meeting which he ended up not caring for very much- but it was his first one away from the centre so I didn't expect him to love it or anything. The next few days was much of the same. We talked a lot and I told him a lot of things he probably didn't want to hear - about how I was still angry with him about what he did and that I didn't feel like he was remorseful for it- like it wasn't enough for him to have said he was sorry that day- and that it has never been really brought up again. I told him I felt like since the drug issue came to light he has forgotten everything else that went before/during it. He assured me that was not the case and told me that he has learnt that he cannot make promises to me because addicts don't keep promises and that all he could do was prove to me with every passing day that he would stay sober and be the man he knows he can be. He said that each day he starts out by telling himself that "today I will not drink or do drugs/ Today I will be a good husband and father". He told me there wasn't much else that he could do but take it day by day and prove I can trust him again and not drink or do drugs. I have accepted that there is nothing really physically he can do to change what happened obviously or to even make me feel better about it and true enough- if every day gets a bit better and I see he is trying even in the smallest of ways, well, I have to accept that and either go with the flow or accept that I can't and let him go. So far I am doing ok with it. And so far he has made that real easy- but this, as I call it, is still the honeymoon phase of recovery- it's all fine and dandy now, but can it last? I would like to think so, and I have been reading my Relationship Rescue book by Dr. Phil which incidentally is a fucken amazing book. Very eye opening and at this point- all about me really- what I mean is, there are certain exercises you have to do, journal writing about your relationship, yourself etc, and it has truly opened my eyes to many things. I have also been (hold onto your hats for this one) turned onto THE SECRET you may have heard of it by now- it is sweeping the nation so I have heard and I have been trying to practice the LAWS OF ATTRACTION. What I like about it is, that it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with god, but a sense of spirituality that I have never really experienced before and have come to believe that I do infact need in my life. OK I will write about that another time. But bottom line is that there are a lot of things I need to fix within myself before I can commit to him again and commit to the relationship. I am learning a lot about myself and trying desperately to stay positive although admittedly I still have that sinking feeling sometimes... Waiting for the axe to fall.....