Tuesday, August 15, 2006
I'M FEELING VECLEMPT- TALK AMONGST YOURSELVES
So today was a day- a bad day- It started off on such a great note, but soon enough even my surprise package couldn't keep the smile on my face.. It was just a bad day and Yes, I know we all have them (as I was reminded about 50 times tonight by the MIL) Anyway nothing significant happened- the kids were just extra super bad today- fighting, yelling, jumping, making a mess- just crazy, into everything - uncontrollable, disrespectful, crying, whining, screaming, rude, wasteful... oh my god take a breath girl! It was just a bad day. I had a lump in my throat all day- you know the one you get right before you are going to cry- and if someone says the wrong thing to you it hurts almost, until you swallow real hard and then the tears flow.... haven't gotten to that point yet- the lump is still there but I will wait until they go to bed (which is any second now). Anyway it wasn't just the kids its just everything- I am lonely and tired of cleaning up after the kids, never getting to finish anything, etc etc etc. And even though I have that light (vacation in T MINUS 3 DAYS, 12 HOURS AND COUNTING) there's just something missing- and maybe its just the hum drum of spending each and every waking moment with 3, 4-year olds who don't have the mental capacity to appreciate anything- or maybe it's that the In laws come over 3 times a week but yet I never get a break- they never say- go out-we'll stay here with the kids. Maybe it's because tonight when we took the kids to the park- there were all of these families there- husbands and wives with their children playing, just being together- and I know that even if CC was here- that would never be there with us- I think (and I am not exaggerating in any way) there was this one time when the kids were just under a year old that he came to the park with us- anyway maybe it's because I am scared that I am just not enough- and that yes it is too much for me and I have never been able to admit it- Maybe ME is just not enough for them- I always worry about splitting my time with them- making sure to pay attention to all of them- praise all of them.. doing enough with them, for them. Maybe I am just thinking all of this because it was a bad day- but I am afraid I am not enough and I am screwing up my kids- when it all becomes too much- I have no release- and I find myself screaming at them, and being angry. Maybe I am afraid I am going to turn out like my mother- an angry bitter fat old woman....
Thoughts by:
Jenna
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3 comments:
NO YOU WON'T! And how can I be so sure? Because during my formative years I was raised by a lewd, mean, drunk, subjected to much much worse than being screamed at, and my kids turned out just fine. For most of my kids formative years it was just the four of us, unless there was a loser of the moment hanging around. Again, my kids turned out just fine.
Jenna, love your kids and make sure they know it. Loving them might just mean yelling at them, maybe even kicking their butts (in a gentle way of course). I have always been known as the meanest mother, not only by my kids, but by all of their friends. I was kinda proud of this fact. They lived through it, and your children will too.
I am going to send you an e-mail and tell you a story that will show you that you are not that bad!
ah Jenna.....I think you're just feeling the bad day. Everyone cracks under the pressure of the young'uns....with 3 the same age I'm surprised you're not in the looney bin!!!They know you love them all and anything mommy does with them is like gold (even when they're being punished, really!) Keep your chin up and and remember the most important thing.....many men will not participate in the children's lives as much as mommy would like....just try and pick something else they can do with him like listen to music or play games....maybe that's where their dad will shine.
Enjoy your vacation and I'll look forward to your new posting full of happiness and fun when you return!
Don't be down. I know everything feels like it's on top of you but really, everything will sort itself out in the end.
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