Money can't buy you happiness -MY ASS IT CAN'T!!!

So things around the homestead are slowly getting done- roof, windows etc- and though that should make me feel better, it does not. We took out a line of credit from the bank to cover the costs of all of this and the only thing I can think of is how this is yet something else that ties me to him. Just when I think- yeah you know what, maybe I can tolerate it, maybe I can get back what I used to feel- or at the very least, can I fake it enough and be happy enough with everything else so I can stay here and let my kids have a life uninterrupted by divorce and the complications thereof, he say something or does some or breathes and I know I cannot be here. I just cannot envision My life here with him forever- for all of the Christmas' where he participates in NOTHING. For all the Halloweens' where he won't even so much as give out candy or go tobogganing in the winter, come to school functions, be present and active at birthday parties- be willing to spend time with family without sulking in a corner with a beer and a smoke in his hand. And you know what, yes it will be sad for him- work your whole life and end up alone- work to support a family who loathes you- what a waste- what an utter waste- he will learn- he will understand one day how he threw it all away- how it all could have been so much more-
These children can probably only name one memory of their father being present in their lives and that is sickening... (mind you I cannot name one- mmmm just thought of that- so much for my kids not having the same life as me....) anyway I have so had it- and I know I have been saying this for years and I have meant it for years- I just have not seemed to be able to find a way out- and in the process I have lost myself- hiding behind food now so it seems- and the extra 40 pounds I have gained in 2 years- I am unrecognizable in so many ways and sometimes I think Oh yeah that will teach him- I will exercise and look so fucken good he'll be sorry- and then I eat a bag of chips or scarf down 2 chocolate bars and that all goes to hell. I guess the temporary fix of food makes me feel better in the moment and I'd rather feel better for a couple of minutes than hurt all the time like I do now. I don't want to be that person who desperately waits for those lottery numbers to be announced- thinking "if only" and hoping against hope that her knight and shining armour will come and find her and take her away from all of this.... sigh... how positively pathetic.....

WOW-INSERT REALITY SMACK HERE................................

Ok, so in the midst of my typing this rather long, self pitying blog, I get a phone call from the MIL which is odd because it is late (late for her being 9 p.m.)so anyway I answer and she is telling me how FIL is not feeling well and what should she do. She says he is dizzy and sweating like crazy and feeling nauseous. Now, this is a man with lung cancer - a man who has gone through chemo and radiation, and has been fine and now the cancer is back. This is a man who is starting chemo again on Monday to be precise and who has been coughing and not feeling great for a month or so. And what should she do?? mmmm... As I am talking to her- she screams, she drops the phone, I can hear commotion and crying and hysteria.. he has fainted, fallen, something- I hear her telling him to get back on the bed, and then she comes to the phone again only to start screaming for her mother to come in Hungarian- carrying on wailing *HYSTERIA*. Comes back to the phone again - tells me he passed out twice now and hit his head- should she call 911?? SHOULD YOU CALL 911??? WTF????? Needless to say she hangs up and calls 911- in the meanwhile I have told assmeat to get up and get the hell over there - I am trying to calm myself down- I am in panic mode and realize I have yet to get the kids in bed- so I start getting them in bed and MIL calls again telling me he seems fine now- and that he doesn't want to go to the hospital. Anyway I was like too f'ing bad- he's going- assmeat is on the way (obviously I did not refer to her son as assmeat- ha!)

So a while later assmeat calls and says the paramedics are there and they are checking him out- it all has something to do with him coughing and hitting a nerve or an artery- like the irritation from the coughing has irritated something else which in turn makes your blood pressure drop quite quickly and that can cause you to kind of pass out- but not really because apparently he was aware the whole time of what was happening not like when you faint and don't know what happened. So anyway they determine that is the deal and he doesn't want to go tot he hospital anyway so they tell him to call back if anything else happens and that was that. assmeat says he looks like someone beat him up- his face is all bruised up from hitting it when he fell etc. Cripes.. what a scare. And then I thought about it- there was my MIL crying and panicking, watching the love of her life being so sick and not being able to help or know what was wrong- and I felt the fear from her and heard the desperation - "please not yet" and yet here I am wanting nothing more than to, at 37 years old I might add- find the love of her life and get rid of this weight, this load on my shoulders and all the while fearing that if I do not do something and soon, I will be in the same position she is in now- but only I won't care and I will have to look after someone whom I loathe and the only escape from that will be death- whether it be his or mine.. OMG.. how fucken depressing is that????? I mean really, to be honest - I don't live each day in hell here- its not all fighting and carrying on- we are completely civil most of the time but there is nothing- no affection or anything at all I literally cannot remember the last time I slept with him- I really believe it is going on a year now- it has to be. I just keep plotting my escape- my freedom from him- my happiness- and it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere- I guess I am looking for a magic fix and I know deep down that ain't gonna happen- I am going to have to do something- I just don't know what to do- how will I support my babies and make it so they don;t have to go to daycare when anything could happen to them?? Uggggg I hate money -!! Money can't buy you happiness huh?? BULLSHIT!!!!

Ramblings of a lonely girl...

You know when you have one of those days where you have a lump in your throat and if someone were to say anything to you whether it be "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?" Or "Hello" you would just break down in tears? Well I am having a day like that and I have no idea why. Nothing has happened, and no, I am not coming on my period.. I am just so sad today. My heart is literally aching.. I just can't shake it. I just came back from wandering around a grocery store for 45 minutes only to walk out with a loaf of bread I didn't need. All because I didn't want to sit at home- alone.. thinking about whatever it is I am upset about which again, I really don't know... ho hum.. it's going to be a long lonely summer.

So you know how people say everything happens for a reason? Well, I don't think I really believe that to be true- and I think I have touched on this in a blog from forever ago- but anyway I do believe to a certain extent that everyone is here for a purpose- there is a reason for my being here and it is something significant. And no, by the way do I believe that the sole purpose of my being is to be a mother to these 3 babies (yes they are 7 but they are still my babies). I think I am here to be much more than that and I wish I knew what it was, I wish I aspired to be something. I know there is something greater in store for my life, our life (our meaning me and the kids of course) I really wish that there was some kind of sign- something to nudge me in the right direction.. I need something to change- everything to change- and I just need a little help getting started...

So if anyone knows something I don't- could ya please enlighten me??? Ya.. thanks so much...

If You Need a Laugh

Miss you...

Saw an old "friend" today and the first think I thought of was that I had to call Wendie (my friend who died in 2002) and tell her about it. That made me remarkably sad. I still to this day don't really believe she is dead. So much happened that she would have been a part of and I miss her so much sometimes. I miss her laugh most of all.

THEN

Wishes

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heartI'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it outI wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

Superchick

Don't let the door hit you on the way out on THURSDAY

So assmeat is supposed to start working at this job come this Thursday - I cannot even tell you how much I am looking forward to having my days back... not having to share my air with him and find reasons to stay in the basement or go out even though we had no money to buy anything just so I would not have to sit and make small talk with him. So beyond not interested that it is not even funny. Now if this stays as a constant-bonus- but for now- for this Thursday- I am happy and thankful just for that - even if it is for one day- Glorious Glorious Thursday.......

Here's a thought...

I am just trying to pinpoint the exact moment- ok wait let's even say the year that it went from I LOVE YOU to I LOATHE YOU....

Just thinking out loud... carry on.

I think I just puked in my mouth a little...

Ok I think I just inadvertently found out that HE and HER are now expecting and its a boy... I hope I am wrong about this... Maybe its she and he instead... It's bad enough I passed up the opportunity and then HE married HER and is no longer allowed to speak to me.. and now this.. lovely....Think I am bitter? Damn right I am....

And so it shall begin

Ok so.. a couple of things- First- I have/will continue to start my exercise regiment. The other day I did a full 30 minute brisk walk and it felt good and I think it is something I can do. - And then I had my kids home for the weekend and it all went to hell- however I think if I can do that every weekday - it is a great start and I can adjust things as I need to after that. I have an issue with doing anything at home because of assmeat. I would be annoyed if he "caught" me exercising and not interested in his reaction or lack thereof.. and god knows I would not step foot in a gym- so until assmeat gets the fuck out and gets a job , this is my only option at this point- I think it'll be fine for the first little while- gotta start somewhere...

My FIL's cancer is back.. the spot they saw back in January has grown... don't know how bad yet- but it is not big enough to start treating it- so I guess that is good news... Ok, that's all I want to say about that ...

MMMM.... don't think I have mentioned this tid bit of info... Haven't spoken to my mother since the end of July/early August maybe.. the kids and I went up there and she started her irrationally yelling and carrying on about god knows what- so I already conceded to the fact I wasn't going back up there again anytime soon because I simply cannot handle the stress of it- the tip toeing around her in fear she will blow at any little thing- but the straw that broke the camels back was that she proceeded to call my sister u and tell her how awful my children were - talking smack about her own grandchildren- the ones she only sees 3 or 4 times a year- the only ones she saw incidentally because I was the only one stupid enough to drag them up there every couple of months because no one else would take theirs.. Well that just did it for me- I haven't spoken to her since I was up there= I did not call or go there for Christmas or anything- she called- my house- I ignored and she was all Ohh merry Christmas blah blah BULLSHIT- and then just last week she "heard" about Little Man being in the hospital and she was concerned. Again saw her number come up- and again IGNORE- so she is a right off-no one disses my kids- especially those who never see them or take the time to see them and then when they do talk shit about them- and I might add for no reason at all- I don't know what the hell she was talking about anyway- She's fucked- always looking for something to bitch about- not interested.. no time for bullshit and drama... life is too short for that. I have put up with her shit my whole life- I will be damned if she is going to talk about my babies that way and like I said, I am tired of tip toeing around her and trying to figure out what she is so god damned mad about all the time. Done and done....

A-Hole Alert

So I am in a quandary as it were- I thought the drama bullshit ended once I left work and was away from the "women folk" (we all know how that can be). But it seems as though it has reared its ugly head again and I find myself at a loss as to what to do about it. My first instinct is to attack- because that is what I do when I am wounded, but by doing that I may make someone else's life more difficult than it is, so I probably shouldn't, and besides.. I am not that person anymore.. or at least I am trying not to be. Anyway this person is talking shit about me and from what I can gather from the situation, it seems to be out of almost jealousy that this person is being an a-hole to me- saying bad things about me. Because I have never had it out with this person, nothing "happened" and I think I wasn't supposed to know this person was talking shit about me and it just kinda came out- but I know now and I know it wasn't just one little thing said_ I know it is a everyday thing . What bothers me is that this person stands, in a way, between me and someone extra super special to me and it almost makes me want to distance myself from this special person just so the a-hole can see it is not me that is the "problem" but their own doing, their own issues has cause the shit for the a-hole. I dunno- I don't want to make things worse- but I will be damned if I am going to let someone talk shit about me for no good f'ing reason.. I'll have to ponder this for a while...

Just Breathe

So Easter weekend brought with it a series of emotions. The kids had been sick for most of the week prior- but just the usual- runny noses- nothing major. I kept them home from school Tuesday and Wednesday, then Thursday they all went back in the morning because they had a Move-A-Thon which they had been looking forward to for weeks so they went for that and then I kept them home that afternoon- Little Man and Curly had developed a cough and even though it didn't seem too bad- I started Little Man with his puffers and figured he would get past the cold over the weekend. We hadn't- by the way had a problem with Little Man's asthma in almost 2 years- by problem I mean no hospital visits- when he gets a cold we start his puffers and he has been fine - nothing more serious has come of any of his colds no matter how bad they have gotten.... Anyway... By Thursday night I can hear that nasty cough of his getting worse and worse.. And before I know it Little Man is lying in bed beside me moaning and gasping...it all came on so fast... So off we go to the hospital- they take is SATS and he is at 85!!! Bad!!! We don't even wait- we are whisked to a room immediately...

Long story short Little Man is not responding to any treatments- 8 mask treatments, 3 doses of steroids and NO CHANGE. Different Dr's, specialists, respiratory therapists are all coming in and out and no one gets why. we do an X-ray and they discover he has pneumonia in the left lung but still- he should be responding somehow to treatments. This whole time we are in ER by the way, they have him on full oxygen constantly, only to stop it while he is doing his mask treatments. It soon becomes evident we are not going home- The pediatrician- who just so happens to be our pediatrician comes to see him and confirms we will not be going home because his SATS are still too low and that there has been no improvement. Soon we are moved up to the Ped's floor and put in the quarantine room- (I still don't now why- I forgot to ask about that actually) Anyway they tell me straight away that no one else will be in our room and that the bed beside him is for me. I felt so much better- I was so afraid that I would have to go home and leave him here- which of course I wouldn't have done anyway even if it meant I would have stood up leaning against a wall all night. Soon after nurse after nurse and Dr after Dr comes in to see and check and talk- a nurse asks Little Man if he likes the Wii - they bring in a cart with a Wii and 20 games built right into it- Thank god for that- he was so happy-he was like "this is like a hotel!" Which by the way he has never been to a hotel before so I don't know how he would know that.. but anyway I felt better that he felt better. At this point he didn't get that he wasn't going home. Once I told him he broke down and cried- he just wanted to see Curly and Pickle.. it was so sweet/sad. Later that evening Assmeat brought up the other 2 to see him- it was cute- for about 10 minutes and then they all started fighting over the Wii- who was player one- "I don't want to play this game" and the usual sibling stuff..so Little Man settled in for the night and the poor thing- not only did he not sleep the night before either (nor did I ) but now we sure as hell weren't getting any sleep because we had a constant flow of Dr's and nurses checking his vitals, giving him mask treatments- he would just start to fall asleep and someone would come in- then he would get a mask and you can't sleep through that racket- then he would be wired a bit afterwards and watch a little tv- and then the process would start all over again. So we didn't sleep- every once in a a while when I thought he was sleeping I would close my eyes and try to sleep and he would come and crawl into my little tiny non-adjustable cot- and I would bring him back to his bed and re-adjust everything and well what do you know here comes someone else...

Throughout the night the nurses kept telling me his SATS were improving- still on oxygen all the time and doing masks and steroids and added antibiotics for the pneumonia, but things were looking up. So the next day when the nurses came in to give him more meds we were all shocked to see his SATS were down to just as low as they were when we came in- he didn't seem to be struggling to breathe or anything it was weird- they changed machines and everything thinking there must have been a mistake- but no. The pediatrician came in and basically told us there was no way unless something miraculous happened that we would be going home. So there again we get a stream of Dr's and specialists coming and going trying to figure it out- they upped his oxygen and started mask after mask. This went on all day and for some reason, shortly after lunch, they decided to take him off the oxygen and see how he would handle it. He got up to about 94 and stayed there consistently for hours which was awesome and unexpected- after another mask treatment it went even high although shortly after that it came back down- the Dr's concluded that it was the pneumonia in the lung that was making his SATS so low and not the same as it would be if it was just his asthma causing it - so that was good news I guess- it was just a matter of getting the antibiotics into him to get that pneumonia out of his lung- Finally after seeing him not go below 95 the decided he could come home with of course, all the antibiotics and steroids and his puffers to do- but that's ok- we'll take it- so we set off home and as I write this now- he is so much better you would almost never know how bad he was just a couple of days ago- So we celebrated Easter- a day late because you know Mommy had to contact the Easter Bunnies "people" to arrange for him to come a day later because we thought Little Man would still be hospital- no one seemed to mind and I stayed up til the wee hours of the morning writing clues and making de-coders for them to "de-code" the clues and search for their goodies- it went over well- and everyone got a lot of goodies!! I'm so glad my little guy is ok now.. it just goes to show you that you can never tell- you never know when something can go horribly wrong...

No.. No .. Don`t say anything- just go with it...

So its now April- all of these months that have passed since I vowed I would start exercising and yet I have done nothing- At first it was, Oh I will wait til Assmeat gets back to work- and well since that hasn't happened- I wonder what other excuses I will come up with before I start - I don't want to get to summer and think why didn't I do something before? I don't want to be fat again for another summer and never put a bathing suit on or wear shorts or hate every single picture that is taken of me.. I don't wanna!!! Ok there is my rant for the moment... There's a bag of cookies with my name on it waiting to be eaten... just kidding.... Or not....

P.S. Blee Blah Blue......

I love my kids

I love that my kids are so much like me in so many ways- Just silly things though you know- like the fact that Pickle and Little Man for the most part anyway, love doing crafties. I love that my kids love rice and gravy just like me and just like me, it is their comfort food. I love that Pickle will come home from school, or just spend an entire Saturday for that matter, cuddled up in her bed in her jammies watching movies and playing with barbies or coloring. I love that we all love playing board games - and I love that I have probably 20 some-odd board games that one day we will play together but that I am happy just to play snakes and ladders or monopoly jr or checkers or whatever until then. I am happy that my kids still don't care that I show up to school when it's pizza lunch day and hang out until the bell rings even though it would be like a "day off " for me- I am glad they still run to me calling my name when they get out of school every day... I am just happy my kids like me and like being with me and we like doing things together- and I am disturbed that some people don't seem to care that their kids don't want to be around them....

You Are Not Dreaming...

Ok so - I am not going to spend this entire post rehashing the last 6-8 months or going on about why I haven't blogged- I just haven't- not that there hasn't been anything to blog about. Mostly, to be honest, its just because I am or was- or always will be, caught up in the Facebook world and of course- skype.. so whatever- I'm back- ...

I am also, not dead- not dying, that I know of- not feeling 100% but I would say in the range of 80-85% which is acceptable. I am still a non-smoker thank you very much and plan to stay that way FOREVER! I am so grateful I do not smoke anymore- I don't have to worry about how I will quit- "oh how will I ever stop smoking?" I am done with it and I am so awesome for that!!!! I also- on the down side gained at least 20 pounds over the past year because of that- but I can get rid of the weight- once motivation kicks in again.....

Why do I have no motivation you ask?? I will say one thing and I know I need not say another thing: CC- UNEMPLOYED- A-Fucken-GAIN- since mid-December.. how is he not dead? How am I not in jail/gone out of my f'ing mind you ask? I do not rightly know.... that is all I want to say about that right now. It makes my stomach hurt.

So I'm back.. I will try for a goal of once a week- maybe more to just keep the juices flowing if nothing else... I have to get back to me stuff - do things I like- and I like to write... and so, I shall....

Gobble gobble....

Well.. Happy Turkey Day- it is Thanksgiving here in Canada and though I had so so so much to be thankful for I am also scared shitless right now so it is hard to think of anything else. Tomorrow at 7:40 in the morning I will be having a catscan done on my brain. I have not been well as of late- terribly weird things happening to me numbness tingling, lightheaded, heart palpitations... and on and on... they don't know what is wrong with me but it is becoming debilitating and I am not able to resume my regular daily activities - it's becoming scary - very scary. I find myself paralyzed with fear and having anxiety attacks on top of everything else I am feeling as well- scared scared scared. So many people I know lately are being diagnosed with this or that - mostly cancer and scary shit like that and I am scared. I can't leave my babies- nothing can be the matter with me- it just can't- totally unacceptable!!! So tonight I will probably stay up all night because I won't be able to sleep and then tomorrow after my catscan I have to go on a school trip with my babies- great- what timing eh.. anywya I will let you know when I know- send your zen my way and hope its nothing- yes let's all hope it is something stupid... or nothing at all .. something tells me it won't be that easy- something tells me I am in for a fight....

So I should tell you that I have quit smoking- oh yes, for good, I am done with it- I am finished. I had "quit" several times since last October, but always managed to have a drag here or there or just have one or two smokes a day. And then FIL was diagnosed. And I quit- but then I would still have one here or there and I just couldn't shake it. So in June- I got terribly sick- I mean I was so sick I was scared. Any other time I had gotten a chest cold or whatever I would find myself smoking more believe it or not- being sick would cause me to smoke more than I would whether I was wheezing or coughing or whatever. But this time, this time I was dreadfully ill- pneumonia. At the point I finally gave in and went to the dr's it was already almost week 3 I think of the illness. The dr. said had I come in at the "height" of it they probably would have hospitalized me.. lovely. Anyway, I was so sick I didn't smoke- I wore a patch for a few days but I found the patch was making me crave still because I was still being fed the nicotine. So I forwent the patch- toughed it out and I am happy to say that I am a non-smoker and even though stress-wise I have had a million reasons to pick one up again- I have not- not even a drag - nothing. So yee ha for me!! On the other hand- quitting smoking has lead me to gain at least another 10 pounds... I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life- (haven't I said that before?) but at least I can work that off- you can work off cancer right? And yes I am mortified about my weight right now- but its something I can change so I am trying to be positive about it... trying.. trying very hard...

Sadly, (try and figure this riddle out) Pickles' husbands' grandmother- whom I have grown to know quite well, is terribly ill as well. Seems she was having dizzy spells, and figured it was vertigo or something weird- she ends up finding out she has lung cancer that has spread to the brain.... I heart aches. Pickle's husband is so so so so close to her- she lives with them as well and they are like two peas in a pod- how awful. And yes, a smoker she is... another reason never to touch them again.... So we have had my "Son-in-law" over a lot to try to give his mom a break and to give him a bit of fun. His mom is 8 1/2 months pregnant by the way- a baby they have tried for almost 7 years to have- it was all very exciting- but now sadly that joy seems to be lost in the sadness and the inevitable. Heart breaking.

So I have become, (maybe I always was) absolutely paralyzingly terrified of death. I mean truly. It is all around me. And I am scared to death. I convince myself that because I still am not feeling 100% since I quit smoking 2 months ago that surely I have cancer or some other ailment and it is just a matter of time. What scares me the most about it is my babies. what would they do? Leave them with assmeat?? (Oh, that is my new name for CC- no, nothing has changed) I cannot even fathom their lives with him and without me. I am getting veclempted just thinking about it now. Just before I quit smoking I got a physical- which surprisingly was ok- nothing bad except for the fact that I have a very under active thyroid and now am on thyroid medication for the rest of my life- boo hiss- but other than that chest x-ray cholesterol, blood pressure- everything fine. BUT- they never saw anything in my FIL's chest x-ray either nor in my son-in-law's grandmother and both of them have lung cancer !!!!! So what do you do??? Even though I don't cough or wheeze anymore like I used to- I still feel a bit congested- like all the time- and I am so so scared....

Well, I think I have written enough today- all very depressing too wasn't it? Oh well.. I'll find a happy memory from the summer and write about it later... I know I have got some ... yeah, there has to be some .... let me work on that ...

THE RAY OF SUNSHINE

So with all the sadness I have been feeling about the loss of my uncle, and all the other crap that has been going on (Oh!! I still have yet to tell you what else happend!! Stay tuned for that) I neglected to tell you about how grateful I am- My FIL has been doing well!!! He has undergone months of radiation and Chemo and actually- this coming Thursday, he will be getting the results of the latest CAT scan. I can tell you he has gained a ton if weight back, he can talk again and has been feeling really really well!! The last check up he had was great in that the tumours had shrunk signifiganty!! So they did another round of treatments and so that is what this next appointment will be for- to see if he needs further treatments or if he is OK for now- its truly a miracle it really is- he is not out of the woods yet - I know that - but he has just done so well and is feeling so much better- he's even talking about going back to work!! WHAT>????? I am just grateful for the time and for his health- for now- for today- for this minute- I am grateful...

THREE LITTLE BIRDS

My little lambs are 6 now- almost 7 and going into grade 2 in a couple short weeks. I am having a hard time with the fact that they are getting older and I often find myself watching their baby videos and getting teary-eyed because I know that time is past and I can never get it back- anyway they are all doing well- Little Man is now taking Electric Guitar classes! Yes can you believe it?? Hilarious- he likes it too and he's pretty good at it considering he has just started and I am certainly not musically inclined - so he started from scratch literally- So he's had a half dozen lessons or so and is doing well and so- we've got ourselves a rock star!! This summer, Curly decided to play soccer- let's just say it isn't his thing-we'll try something else next year.... Pickle is taking cooking classes!! She's gone to about 6 0r 7 classes and she just loves it- the only thing about that is the fact that she knows what goes into things now- so she is not as eager to try something once she knows what's in it- anyway she likes it- so whatever...

So the summer has flown by sadly- and the weather has been awful so we haven't done all that much- last month my sister and S and their families and mine went to Yogi Bear's Jelly Stone park for a 2 day camping trip- wasn't what we expected and it was cold and damp- but I think the kids liked it ok- and we have some activities coming up for the next couple of weeks that should satisfy them- CNE, Ontario Place, movies, a get together with my Auntie and my cousins for a day O fun, and of course another trip up to Auntie S's.. so we're good- I just wish it didn't go by so fast...

WHERE TO BEGIN....

Ok.. I have much to say so I will just start with whatever and go on as I please.. bare with me..

So my uncle died- yes, my dear sweet Uncle passed away from cancer- it was quite sudden in that he was fine for so long and then it was like one day he wasn't and it all went so quickly after that. I am terribly sad about it- and I will miss him horribly. My Auntie Ann and Uncle Jim were like the parents I never had- so to speak. Their place was the one place in the entire world where I could go and feel completely, utterly at home and being in their company meant I felt love. I know that sounds cheesy- but its true- unconditional love beamed from their every pore. I feel terribly sad for my Auntie- I know she will be sad for a while and I am sure incredibly lonely- I cannot imagine the love of your life for your entire life no longer being there- but I have vowed to myself that I will not let a month go by without seeing her or talking to her- and not because I feel sorry for her- but because I truly love her with all of my heart and want her to be a part of my life all the time- not just at holidays. So there you go- I had a dream that I started a club for her and I and my cousin and my sister and that every month we get together and have a game night- so I think I am going to suggest that and that we should make it a monthly thing- I think it will be fun and I think we all need each other and need a fun night like that- so anyway I will suggest it and see what happens- I know they will be on board-

Anyway - I really don't even want to talk about it anymore because I am still quite sad about my uncle- I really am- my heart hurts to think about it - and I have cried a million tears over his loss but yet it doesn't seem to take away any of the hurt- or sadness-anyway I don't want to appear to be too dramatic about it - I bet it is surprising to some that it affected me so - but it did...

MY MY MY

Can it be possibe that the last time I wrote here was like February? Well, sorry to disappoint- but it won't be tonight either- or tomorrow or the next day- to give a brief synopsis- tomorrow I am going to the funeral of my dear sweet uncle... and just sick about it- and from there I am leaving to go on a camping trip with my 3 little pigs, my best friend Shell and her 2 and my sister Moe and her 2 for 2 nights 3 days- at Yogi Bear's Jelly Stone Park no less... so much to tell you all- so sad, I promise when I get back I will write up a storm and tell you all what you have been missing out on in my life for the past 5 months or so.... its almost 1:30 in the morning- nope- stil not sleeping normally- but I guess this time I have a reason.. anyway I better go- talk to you all soon....