On October 20, 2009 at approximately 2:00 a.m. my father in law passed away. No glory- no peace- no relief-. He is gone and I am so profoundly sad I cannot explain it. We have gone through the arrangements, the viewing, the funeral, the burial and I have no closure. I have nothing but sadness. And now it seems like I am going through the denial everyone else was going through when he was sick. I just simply cannot believe it or rather I cannot accept it. I am going to miss him so fucken much and I cannot seem to picture anything- any event, any occasion without him. It sickens me to my very core. I hate that he is gone and I want to scream out for him to come back- to please just come back! I have never in my life lost some so close to me and even though I loved my uncle silly- we were not close in that sense- not since I was younger- same with my papa- and even my friend Wendie- I loved her but it just wasn't the same. This sucks so badly and I cannot do a thing about it- I cannot fix this. I have never seen CC like this before- (obviously) he is so broken hearted and sad.. he will look at me and just say "ohhhhh Jen" and nothing else needs to be said- I know what he means, how he feels- he is broken... and sad and scared and he doesn't know how he is ever going to feel better- he too cannot believe it- he too feels helpless. He just wants his daddy back- so do I ...so do we all... that's all I want to say right now-

He knows it's over- everyone knows- The dr's initially gave him less than a month(this was a couple of days ago) but now they are saying its even less- maybe a week-maybe a few days. When they found out- they decided they wouldn't tell him- why would they? But the following morning they came in- he told them- he had asked- so we know he must have felt it- in his heart he knew the cancer was out of control, that the tumours were getting bigger and popping out everywhere- he knew- he must have known it was over- he had lost this fight - that is why he asked..We don't think he knows how long he has.. but its better that way I think. So it was decided that I needed to go- I reluctantly agreed- I know I couldn't hide behind the children forever as much as I wanted to...

The entire way to the hospital I could have very easily thrown up. I did not eat a thing all day- and slowly sipped on my coffee with he drove-. I didn't want to go- I didn't want to be here - it didn't matter that it was dad- it could have been anyone- this is something I cannot bare- I cannot face it- my legs feel weak the second I enter a hospital- my mouth dry, I shake- hospitals are for dying- and bad news...

When we get there - (there meaning the palliative care unit) it is eerily quiet- serene almost I guess you would say- there are already people there and we sit in the waiting room but soon enough his mother comes out and tells me to go in. When I see him there I am obviously shocked. My legs almost buckle from under me. Its only been a little over 2 weeks since I saw him and he has aged 30 years it looks like. He looks just as bad as had pictured it- just like the other people I had seen in the documentary I watched about people dying of cancer.. how quickly it changed him-

His breathing is loud and intermittent and laboured. He looks like he is sleeping. She says that most of the time this is how he is- out of it . He hellucintaes and talks jibberish- I was warned before hand.. Mom says to him "Look, look your daughter is here to see you" and he immediately opens his eyes and smiles and says "Oh God.." then as he is reaching out to me says "Come here" I hug him and I felt his arms shaking as he tried to hug me. He said "I'm glad to see you" I said "I am so glad to see you too" I ask him if he is tired he says yes.. I say "Sleep then, you just sleep" and I am rubbing his swollen hand... his mother and he go out of the room and leave me with him- at which point I should have whispered to him- I should have said all the things I wanted to say like "I love you- please.. please don't go- please wake up and tell everyone you will be fine. Please don't leave me here with them- you are the only one who gets me- we're the same... please please don't die...." I should have thanked him then- I should have told him I was thankful to him for being the dad I never had- I should have told him that every night I wished it was my dad that was dying instead of him - I should have told him my babies would never be the same without him and that I needed him to stay because their father is stupid and doesn't deserve them- I should have asked him to please hold on- to please get better so he could be the father I know CC can never be to them... I should have said so much.. but I didn't- I stood there scared out of my fucken skull- wondering why everyone left me alone with him- wondering if that last breath he took would be his last- and why was there such a pause before the next breath... I stood there scared out of my fucken mind- like a child almost- scared that the cancer inside of him was going to jump out of his mouth and jump into me... I just wanted to run... I wanted to run out of there so fucken fast....


They come back in the room and CC is distraught. He is crying and holding his fathers' hand. Sometimes he gets up and kisses his forehead. I know he wants to scream out too- begging him to be ok now - I know none of this seems real to him. I know he feels helpless- I almost feel a sense of jealousy as I watch him tending to his father. I remember driving myself to the hospital and being wheeled down to surgeries alone- I remember going to every single dr's appointments by myself- hearing horrible news and having no one there to comfort me. I remember not being able to walk upright or get out of bed by myself- I remember cleaning my own dressings and injecting myself with medications because he wouldn't.. and yes it is selfish and appalling that these thoughts even enter my mind- but they did as I watched him wipe his fathers mouth and kiss him gingerly- those thoughts actually entered my mind- why wouldn't you ever comfort me - or hold me or look after me..?? I am selfish and stupid.. and I hated myself the second they entered my head but I thought them ....I did- and I don't know why..

We all took turns going in and out of the room- just watching him mostly as he slept. When I first went back into the waiting area his mother was telling everyone about how he reached out for me and how he "perked up" when he saw me. She says "He has never done that for anyone! No one! Not his sisters or his son or me! " I felt special- I felt loved- and I know that this "Story" will be told a million times now-to everyone and anyone- I know she will tell this story again and and again- that I was the only one that he responded to like that- that means something... that was my gift from him... and I will take it..

He breathing was so loud and he was struggling and I don't know how much of anything he heard or knew.. but I felt better in a weird way when we left because I know he knew I was there. Before we left I kissed him three or four times on the cheek and said "Goodnight Papa Daddy, I love you"....I know he heard me- I know he did.


I haven't been sleeping. A couple of hours here and there for the past few weeks really, but mostly this past one. It seemed like every time I closed my eyes I would dream of him- not dying necessarily- but it would wake me every time and then I wouldn't want to go back to sleep- I used to stay up when I was younger as long as I could because I couldn't bare to sleep- I know I wrote a poem about it or two - I should look for it- sleeping means dreaming. and I hate to dream.. your dreams is where you have to face everything you don't want to which is why dad kept popping into mine. Last night I slept for almost 5 hours straight- and I didn't dream.. I think seeing him (as much as I didn't want to see him like that) helped me - put me at peace.. as much as I can be.

So now it is a waiting game.. wait for the phone to ring and hope he isn't alone- or in pain.. maybe just hope he goes to sleep.

Things are bad- again,or shall I say- still. CC seems to now be in the denial haze. Thinking maybe this is just how it is when people are going through chemo. Maybe he'll bounce back..no- there is no bouncing back from this. I have now become the voice of reason- the rational one who is trying, with grace, to tell him this is the end- there will be no bringing him home. He has changed so much - obviously his physical appearance is ghastly, but mentally some days he isn't there- one minute he is scared, the next quiet, the next seeing things- its terrible. Even if -and I say this without truly believing it is possible, but even if he was to bounce back from this- he would never be the same- the person he was is no longer there when you look in his eyes- that sense of humour is gone- its just empty now. I haven't yet seen him- I told CC about that documentary I have watched a few time about cancer patients dying and I described the look they have and that is the look his dad has now- he says he is skin and bones- looks like he's been in a concentration camp- its eating him alive. I do feel sorry for CC- I see that desperation in his eyes I think these last few days he has realized that his dad isn't going to be around much longer. I don't know if he can bare it- his father is the only person I have ever seen him cry over. He never cried when we lost all the babies- he never cried when our babies were born or when he first saw them on the ultrasound- he never cried when we almost lost pickle- On our wedding day when he said his speech- he never cried at the joy of our union- or when he talked about me- he cried when he mentioned his parents- when he thanked his dad for everything. He cried when they found out it was lung cancer- and he has cried almost every single time he talks about him-I wish I could fix it all- I wish I could make all of this go away- I wish I wasn't turning in to the kind of person who can look at someone and think "It should have been you" but I am I finding myself doing that a hundred times a day- like why not him or her or that one- why dad? I don't get it- this fucken cancer shit is the plague- why is it everywhere- why can't they do something more? Why is it popping up all over his body? How much more can he take? Does he want to? Has he had enough? does he even know what is going on? Anyway... I am sad, and I wish I could wake up from this dream now, I don't like it...

The End is Near

Everything seems to be happening rather quickly. Discussions of palliative care have already happened- He was supposed to come "home" last week after the final round of radiation- and nursing would be arranged- but then he collapsed while trying to get up from the washroom and that plan went to hell. I haven't seen him yet since he went into the hospital- I have spoken to him on the phone many times but last I saw him was when he was still at home- weak, and skinny, but still at home- I have not been. I have no desire to - I cannot bare it- but I know that will be something I will have to do probably sooner than I am ready to. My heart absolutely breaks at the thought- what it must be like for him to know -to not have any control. He must be begging God. He must be begging for more time- I know I would be- even if I didn't believe. I would beg anyone who would listen- Please, please- I am not ready, I don't want to go- I want to stay- I'll do anything...I want to see my grandchildren grow up- I want to smell the fall air again- I want to see the blue sky, feel the cold, eat ice cream- hear music- be here for one more Christmas, one more New year- one more birthday, one more week- one more day- I'll do anything... Cripes.. I would be begging. I am going to miss him so much that it makes my heart literally hurt- an ache so strong that I have scared myself the last few days; convinced I am having a heart attack or something. I just cannot imagine how it is going to be without him here- I really cannot. All the little things mostly- Halloween is coming- he was always here for Halloween - they always came and we would take the kids around. He always came for Halloween. I have the children to "hide" behind right now- they are saving me from having to face this head n really- "Oh Jenni has to be there for the children, she can't come" And my poor Sweet baby girl- she will be devastated- just the mere thought of it makes her cry- I have started dropping hints- talking about it as if it is now a possibility- I have to as much as it hurts me I have to start- I have to - There is to much to think about. I think about this kind of stuff all the time- I have been waking in the middle of the night or early hours of the morning every night and I must have been thinking about him because when I wake up that is what I start thinking about and then I cannot fall asleep again sometimes for hours. I am afraid to close my eyes - but yet every single time I wake up in the morning I have to remember that this is all real- everyday I wake up in denial. Everyday. I have changed my opinion somewhat of CC- I do feel sorry for him- I do- I still do not comfort him- but I feel bad for him- this is his daddy after- all and after he is gone he will be it- he is his father's legacy and I think he is afraid he will not measure up- maybe it all too late for that- I think he is just thinking as that little boy inside of him not wanting his dad to go- he's too young- he's supposed to stick around and bitch and moan that CC doesn't do anything or be here to remind him to change the filter in the furnace or all the other things he reminded (or hounded rather) him to do... yes, I do feel bad for him- nothing is ever going to be the same again... Ok... my eyes ache from crying... today was a bad day- maybe tomorrow will be better- too much to think about - Thanksgiving this weekend- having my whole family over- I wonder if this is the right thing to do..

PHASE ONE- ACCEPTANCE

So I broke the news to CC about his father. It was not pleasant- he cried- I cried while I was telling him but at no time did I go over to comfort him. At no point did I reach out to hug him or hold him- I just let him sit there and cry- I felt sorry for him leading up to our conversation, but once I started talking to him I felt sad for me, for dad- not for him- I had no sympathy for him at all- not an ounce- he treated his parents like crap- and I wanted at some point to scream out- SEE! I told you one day you would be sorry for being an asshole to him! And here he is.. I just felt nothing- I was almost just mad you know- just so mad at him I could punch him in his face... And it occurs to me that it is gone- every single ounce of everything I ever felt for him is gone. And even if- even if he becomes a better man because he is loosing (or when he loses) his father, even if he becomes everything he was supposed to always be or becomes this great guy- this fun, kind, caring, selfless person- it won't matter- it won't matter because the damage is done- too much has happened- he has done too much too me said too little to be able to fix this- it is over - and I feel that from every inch of my being. This is no longer me just being mad and regretting and "what if'ing" - this is me- knowing there is nothing there- nothing left- and there never will be ever ever again. This is of course not to say I haven't known this for some time now- I have not slept in the same bed as him for almost 2 years (I sleep on the couch) and as for actually sleeping with him- its got to be at least a year- yeah, at least a year...and that one time was probably all there has been for two or so anyway - he's probably doing someone else here and there- and I sadly don't care either way - I just don't like him- I really just don't. And sometimes I would get that little glimmer of Oh, if only he were like this all the time.. but that soon fades and its like cripes I don't care if is or not- still don't like him. Now I have to figure out how to get out of this- how am I going to get out of all of this and live my life- I have to start making a plan- I have to start getting a plan for finances and so on- that is the only thin holding me back- isn't it always though- fucken money- ....I wish I had parents I liked- I wish I could call up my mother and say it's over.. I'm coming home. But I have never had a mother to count on like that or that I liked for that matter- and god knows I have never had a home to go home too- so there goes that- it's gotta be me- this has all got to be me now- I have to do something ...

Unreal

When I wrote my last post- I didn't know how quickly things would happen. I knew- I think I have known more than anyone- that my FIL's time was short-I have been confused at the lack of concern- at the hopefulness everyone else seems to have been relying on all of this time. I thought maybe the MIL was putting up a front- I thought she knew how bad it was but was just acting like he was going to be ok for our sakes. But no- she truly really believed he was going to be just fine. He was in the hospital twice this past weekend- and even then- she put it off to the medication - the drugs- he was on- and he would be just fine- the dr's told her nothing had spread to his head or stomach to which she took as fantastic news. He went in today for a consult and the news was bad- there is nothing else they can do- it is progressing too fast- its all happening too fast and nothing is going to help. And I thought- finally.- Finally someone has told them what for some reason I had known all along- I know that sounds awful but everytime I got off the phone with her I would be like Really? Does she really not see how bad this is? I know you gotta have hope I know that faith and hope and a positive attitude can get you through a lot of things. But there is one thing I do know- cancer is a tough mother fucker- and it takes more than a positive attitude to beat it- it is merciless and cruel and a bad to the bone son of a bitch and it grabs hold of some people and just rocks their fucken world- and sometimes in life you can prepare for things that are about to happen- and sometimes no matter how much you prepare- its going to punch you in the gut so hard it knocks the wind out of you- and that is what happend to the MIL today- a suckerpunch to the gut. And I don't know how to help her or make it easier- because it isn't and will not be ok- nothing about this is ok- and I am so not good at this shit- I want to run away and pretend this is all not happening. He hasn't much time. He knows it is over- he told her today he told her "I know this is the end" _ I cannot fathom it- I cannot comprehend how it would feel to know you are going to die and there isn't a fucken thing you can do about it- I think it is so fucked because they just thought he would go down this rough road and come out of it in the end a little worse for wear but ok- he never had time to accept it or go through the process- he just thought- she just thought- everyone just thought he would be ok- now what? Its as if he has been in a horrible car accident- unexpected- tragic- and now is on life support - thats what this is all like but it shouldn't have been like this- everyone should have started getting ready for this shouldn't they? But no, no, because they just thought he would be ok- he would beat it- I would like to speak to the dr's involved here- didn't anyone tell them there would be no happy ending? Were the drs just sugar coating everything? Did no one see this coming besides me? Surely they knew- surely they did- why did no one say anything??> I don't understand.

So now I have been left with the burden of telling my husband that his father is in hospital and very likely will never leave it- he is at work right now and does not know. And my children- my sweet precious children how shall I tell them? How will this effect their lives? This is their first real experience with death- - they came when my sweet uncle Jim died- and we talked about it- but because they had no real intimate connection with him I don't think it was real to them- yes they know he died- they know Nikki died- but papa- their papa - how is this going to effect them- what do I say? do I tell them now that it is going to happen? Do I wait until it happens? I don't know I don't know what to do I am so sad for them and CC too- I am sad for him I am because this was a father- a real father who was there for him his whole life- - there is no one else- he is his father's only son- his fathers only child- he has no brothers or sisters to grieve with- just his mother- and me. my heart aches for him and for the children.. I am not sure what to do- and I am not sure how much of this I can do- I just don't know .. I simply do not know what to do.

SO SUE ME.....

Yes I am- and here it is now- the end of summer- the beginning of the school year and I have written nothing- well- can't change it now so let's move on shall we-

- The FIL was doing better - even went back to work- and then everything went to hell and he is fighting for his life again- very weak- "Superficial cancer" popping up all over the fucken place- chest- neck- stomach- its everywhere. I know it is bad- I have always known- I am not naive- I read- I know- I felt it- and now I see it- death- imminent- death- I can smell it off of him almost- - I see it in his eyes and it breaks my heart- and I know ain't nothing gonna be the same. This is going to be one of those life changing things- where everything and everyone around you will change- nothing is ever going to be the same- I am sad for my children- how much a part of their lives he was for so long- and now they don't see him - he, too impatient, too ill, too weak, to sad, too angry, too sick, too scared- Them- too young- to understand, to realize how bad it is- too young to know he doesn`t have much time and to be nice and kind and not make him upset or worry- them-- just too young...how terribly terribly sad.

- With respect to the above, I am horrible and selfish when I think of the future- the future without him- I think of the things that I will now be responsible for- the things he used to take care of that will now fall on my shoulders- I think of her- of how she will need me and how I don`t want to be needed- not for the petty things she will need me for- not for those things- but I will be expected to- it will become my new job- I have yet to live my life- I haven`t but for my children, been happy with my entire adult life - and I know that becoming her keeper- that becoming her taxi and confident and go-to-girl will just eat at me so much and i may implode from it- I hate myself for thinking any of these selfish things- I should be crying and begging god or whoever the hell is in charge of this shit to save him and to fix him- but I know he cannot be fixed. I know he is unfix able.. and besides- there will be plenty of time for tears- the tears will come regardless-right now I can only be angry for leaving us all -yes I know he hasn`t left yet- but he will and I am pissed about it.. not fair....

I am scared all of the time- I feel something inside isn't right- - my Dr thinks I am crazy- and almost had me convinced of it too- but no- there is something- and maybe it is just as simple as my body`s reaction to this medication I am on for my thyroid- coincidentally all of my `symptoms`started at the same time I started this pill- but my Dr thinks I am crazy no one has reactions like this- no one- but there is something- and I am positively absolutely terrified about it- and maybe because of the FIL it is scaring me more than it should- maybe I should just go with the flow- but I am scared that something is wrong- and if so- what will happen to my babies? What the fuck would happen to my children- my beautiful babies- I am their everything- we have no one- their father is useless- yes CC aka assmeat is still useless- better- but if I was not around- oh my god- if I was not here for my babies- ... I cannot even fathom... I cannot let myself think of that scenario-..

Have not spoken to my own mother in over a year. My sister asks if I would be sad or regret not talking to her if something were to happen to her- I don't think I would- I am just so done with it all- I am so finished - too much negativity- too much anger there on her part - I have much to be angry about- but I am not- I used to feel sorry for her- I used to do everything to give her a break- now I just don't care- I simply just don't care anymore...


An old friend of mine has cancer- funny- they ran into the FIL at the cancer hospital which is how we all found out- for some reason this friend and I haven't spoken since the beginning of the year and before that for 2 years since CC got out of rehab to be exact- Long story short- I think she wanted to leave us to start our new life without the interruption of her and her hubby`s drama and his addictions-cripes our new life only lasted 2 weeks.. but anyway ... she was so close with my kids- she came with me to bring the boys home from the hospital- she came to every Dr`s appointment- she was just always there- anyway at Christmas i thought enough is enough and sent her a Christmas card- she called and we talked for hours- we planned to get together- she said she would call me back- she didn`t- month later she calls and again we plan to get together- again- she was supposed to call and doesnt- I wash my hands of it`- Ì tried- I do not and will not ever beg for friendship with anyone or chase anyone... but now this- cancer---I know she is ok- they operated- she`s been going through radiation- but I struggle with the fact that she just dropped me like that- for years- but more so- my children- I know this has been a hard time for her- I know she must be scared- but I don`t know if I want to go back to that friendship- we passed by their favourite bar one day and saw him sitting there drinking away- nothing ever changes- I don`t think I want to go back to that friendship but I feel bad for her and I know she must be scared.... I will think about it some more... maybe send her a letter or something,,,

_Speaking of boozers... my dear sweet BFF`s husband is an alcoholic- and an asshole. Somehow blames me for their tumultuous marriage- he has issues- big time and some how it always comes back to me- I know he is jealous of our friendship- and because she would rather sit on the computer with me for 8 hours rather than have to sit with him for 1 but it is getting on my last nerve I tell you what and it will come to a head and soon we will have it out and he will not like what I have to say to him- that I gauran-fucken-tee... bring it MO FO I fucken dare you. I do have issue with my BFF saying a little too much to her drunk about me and my issues- I don`t talk to CC about her and her hubby`s issues and I dont think I like the drunk knowing mine- which he brings up when they fight- like because I do this or say this or don`t do that with my husband that he thinks that is why she is or is not doing or saying things etc- I shall have to speak to her about that- that is not cool with me- not at all.

- So yeah I am still fat- all the plans to be skinny by summer went to hell and back- no excuses but I do think the thyroid issue has quite a bit to do with it- my meds are not regulated because of the fact i am convinced it is causing me all these symptoms and pains and bullshit- so I am not taking as much as I should so I am sure that has a lot to do with it - but I also am not helping by exercising or anything so what do I expect So next goal- CHRISTMAS... there ya go...


My babies are in grade 3 now and I could just cry about it... time is slipping away so fast and I am trying so hard to appreciate and soak in every moment... I love them so much- they are my joy- my life- my every happiness- they are my everything.. and they are just so gosh darn funny- if you only could hear the things they say- they make me laugh every single day and for them I am so so thankful- so very grateful- I just love them so fucken much... See... I just got all veclempt just typing that - my love for them is so great it makes me weep .....

Ok on that note I am going to sign off and try and get back to this tomorrow.. this should give you a bit to think about `til then...

From long ago- I have this on my face book- but I just love it so...

Doctors Dr's Doctor's dr.'s .........

So yesterday had the kids at the dr's - Curly may have to get tonsils and adenoids taken out- uggg... waiting for a referral to another Doctor. Tomorrow I go to the dr. to complain once again about how I feel- and I am worried he will tell me it is all in my head or that it is impossible that this med they put me on for my thyroid could cause me to feel this way- we will see- but I am tired of feeling this way and something needs to change. Next week the kids got to the eye Dr and get Little Man and Pickle new glasses. Doctors Doctors.. hate it..

Money can't buy you happiness -MY ASS IT CAN'T!!!

So things around the homestead are slowly getting done- roof, windows etc- and though that should make me feel better, it does not. We took out a line of credit from the bank to cover the costs of all of this and the only thing I can think of is how this is yet something else that ties me to him. Just when I think- yeah you know what, maybe I can tolerate it, maybe I can get back what I used to feel- or at the very least, can I fake it enough and be happy enough with everything else so I can stay here and let my kids have a life uninterrupted by divorce and the complications thereof, he say something or does some or breathes and I know I cannot be here. I just cannot envision My life here with him forever- for all of the Christmas' where he participates in NOTHING. For all the Halloweens' where he won't even so much as give out candy or go tobogganing in the winter, come to school functions, be present and active at birthday parties- be willing to spend time with family without sulking in a corner with a beer and a smoke in his hand. And you know what, yes it will be sad for him- work your whole life and end up alone- work to support a family who loathes you- what a waste- what an utter waste- he will learn- he will understand one day how he threw it all away- how it all could have been so much more-
These children can probably only name one memory of their father being present in their lives and that is sickening... (mind you I cannot name one- mmmm just thought of that- so much for my kids not having the same life as me....) anyway I have so had it- and I know I have been saying this for years and I have meant it for years- I just have not seemed to be able to find a way out- and in the process I have lost myself- hiding behind food now so it seems- and the extra 40 pounds I have gained in 2 years- I am unrecognizable in so many ways and sometimes I think Oh yeah that will teach him- I will exercise and look so fucken good he'll be sorry- and then I eat a bag of chips or scarf down 2 chocolate bars and that all goes to hell. I guess the temporary fix of food makes me feel better in the moment and I'd rather feel better for a couple of minutes than hurt all the time like I do now. I don't want to be that person who desperately waits for those lottery numbers to be announced- thinking "if only" and hoping against hope that her knight and shining armour will come and find her and take her away from all of this.... sigh... how positively pathetic.....

WOW-INSERT REALITY SMACK HERE................................

Ok, so in the midst of my typing this rather long, self pitying blog, I get a phone call from the MIL which is odd because it is late (late for her being 9 p.m.)so anyway I answer and she is telling me how FIL is not feeling well and what should she do. She says he is dizzy and sweating like crazy and feeling nauseous. Now, this is a man with lung cancer - a man who has gone through chemo and radiation, and has been fine and now the cancer is back. This is a man who is starting chemo again on Monday to be precise and who has been coughing and not feeling great for a month or so. And what should she do?? mmmm... As I am talking to her- she screams, she drops the phone, I can hear commotion and crying and hysteria.. he has fainted, fallen, something- I hear her telling him to get back on the bed, and then she comes to the phone again only to start screaming for her mother to come in Hungarian- carrying on wailing *HYSTERIA*. Comes back to the phone again - tells me he passed out twice now and hit his head- should she call 911?? SHOULD YOU CALL 911??? WTF????? Needless to say she hangs up and calls 911- in the meanwhile I have told assmeat to get up and get the hell over there - I am trying to calm myself down- I am in panic mode and realize I have yet to get the kids in bed- so I start getting them in bed and MIL calls again telling me he seems fine now- and that he doesn't want to go to the hospital. Anyway I was like too f'ing bad- he's going- assmeat is on the way (obviously I did not refer to her son as assmeat- ha!)

So a while later assmeat calls and says the paramedics are there and they are checking him out- it all has something to do with him coughing and hitting a nerve or an artery- like the irritation from the coughing has irritated something else which in turn makes your blood pressure drop quite quickly and that can cause you to kind of pass out- but not really because apparently he was aware the whole time of what was happening not like when you faint and don't know what happened. So anyway they determine that is the deal and he doesn't want to go tot he hospital anyway so they tell him to call back if anything else happens and that was that. assmeat says he looks like someone beat him up- his face is all bruised up from hitting it when he fell etc. Cripes.. what a scare. And then I thought about it- there was my MIL crying and panicking, watching the love of her life being so sick and not being able to help or know what was wrong- and I felt the fear from her and heard the desperation - "please not yet" and yet here I am wanting nothing more than to, at 37 years old I might add- find the love of her life and get rid of this weight, this load on my shoulders and all the while fearing that if I do not do something and soon, I will be in the same position she is in now- but only I won't care and I will have to look after someone whom I loathe and the only escape from that will be death- whether it be his or mine.. OMG.. how fucken depressing is that????? I mean really, to be honest - I don't live each day in hell here- its not all fighting and carrying on- we are completely civil most of the time but there is nothing- no affection or anything at all I literally cannot remember the last time I slept with him- I really believe it is going on a year now- it has to be. I just keep plotting my escape- my freedom from him- my happiness- and it just doesn't seem to be getting anywhere- I guess I am looking for a magic fix and I know deep down that ain't gonna happen- I am going to have to do something- I just don't know what to do- how will I support my babies and make it so they don;t have to go to daycare when anything could happen to them?? Uggggg I hate money -!! Money can't buy you happiness huh?? BULLSHIT!!!!

Ramblings of a lonely girl...

You know when you have one of those days where you have a lump in your throat and if someone were to say anything to you whether it be "What's wrong?" or "Are you ok?" Or "Hello" you would just break down in tears? Well I am having a day like that and I have no idea why. Nothing has happened, and no, I am not coming on my period.. I am just so sad today. My heart is literally aching.. I just can't shake it. I just came back from wandering around a grocery store for 45 minutes only to walk out with a loaf of bread I didn't need. All because I didn't want to sit at home- alone.. thinking about whatever it is I am upset about which again, I really don't know... ho hum.. it's going to be a long lonely summer.

So you know how people say everything happens for a reason? Well, I don't think I really believe that to be true- and I think I have touched on this in a blog from forever ago- but anyway I do believe to a certain extent that everyone is here for a purpose- there is a reason for my being here and it is something significant. And no, by the way do I believe that the sole purpose of my being is to be a mother to these 3 babies (yes they are 7 but they are still my babies). I think I am here to be much more than that and I wish I knew what it was, I wish I aspired to be something. I know there is something greater in store for my life, our life (our meaning me and the kids of course) I really wish that there was some kind of sign- something to nudge me in the right direction.. I need something to change- everything to change- and I just need a little help getting started...

So if anyone knows something I don't- could ya please enlighten me??? Ya.. thanks so much...

If You Need a Laugh

Miss you...

Saw an old "friend" today and the first think I thought of was that I had to call Wendie (my friend who died in 2002) and tell her about it. That made me remarkably sad. I still to this day don't really believe she is dead. So much happened that she would have been a part of and I miss her so much sometimes. I miss her laugh most of all.

THEN

Wishes

The saddest thing is you could be anything
That you could want
We could have been everything
But now we're not
Now it's not anything at all
The hardest part was getting this close to you
And giving up this dream i built with you
A fairytale that isn't coming true
You've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
After all the things you put me through
Tell me why i'm still in love with you
And why am i, why am i still waiting for your call
You broke my heartI'm taking it back from you
And taking back the life i gave to you
Life goes on before and after you
I've got some growing up to do
I wish we could have worked it out
I wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside
That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
I wish we could have worked it outI wish i didn't have these doubts
I wish i didn't have to wonder just what you are doing now
I wish i didn't know inside That it won't work out for you and i
I wish that i could stop this wishing and just say my last goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
It's time i said my last goodbye

Superchick

Don't let the door hit you on the way out on THURSDAY

So assmeat is supposed to start working at this job come this Thursday - I cannot even tell you how much I am looking forward to having my days back... not having to share my air with him and find reasons to stay in the basement or go out even though we had no money to buy anything just so I would not have to sit and make small talk with him. So beyond not interested that it is not even funny. Now if this stays as a constant-bonus- but for now- for this Thursday- I am happy and thankful just for that - even if it is for one day- Glorious Glorious Thursday.......

Here's a thought...

I am just trying to pinpoint the exact moment- ok wait let's even say the year that it went from I LOVE YOU to I LOATHE YOU....

Just thinking out loud... carry on.

I think I just puked in my mouth a little...

Ok I think I just inadvertently found out that HE and HER are now expecting and its a boy... I hope I am wrong about this... Maybe its she and he instead... It's bad enough I passed up the opportunity and then HE married HER and is no longer allowed to speak to me.. and now this.. lovely....Think I am bitter? Damn right I am....

And so it shall begin

Ok so.. a couple of things- First- I have/will continue to start my exercise regiment. The other day I did a full 30 minute brisk walk and it felt good and I think it is something I can do. - And then I had my kids home for the weekend and it all went to hell- however I think if I can do that every weekday - it is a great start and I can adjust things as I need to after that. I have an issue with doing anything at home because of assmeat. I would be annoyed if he "caught" me exercising and not interested in his reaction or lack thereof.. and god knows I would not step foot in a gym- so until assmeat gets the fuck out and gets a job , this is my only option at this point- I think it'll be fine for the first little while- gotta start somewhere...

My FIL's cancer is back.. the spot they saw back in January has grown... don't know how bad yet- but it is not big enough to start treating it- so I guess that is good news... Ok, that's all I want to say about that ...

MMMM.... don't think I have mentioned this tid bit of info... Haven't spoken to my mother since the end of July/early August maybe.. the kids and I went up there and she started her irrationally yelling and carrying on about god knows what- so I already conceded to the fact I wasn't going back up there again anytime soon because I simply cannot handle the stress of it- the tip toeing around her in fear she will blow at any little thing- but the straw that broke the camels back was that she proceeded to call my sister u and tell her how awful my children were - talking smack about her own grandchildren- the ones she only sees 3 or 4 times a year- the only ones she saw incidentally because I was the only one stupid enough to drag them up there every couple of months because no one else would take theirs.. Well that just did it for me- I haven't spoken to her since I was up there= I did not call or go there for Christmas or anything- she called- my house- I ignored and she was all Ohh merry Christmas blah blah BULLSHIT- and then just last week she "heard" about Little Man being in the hospital and she was concerned. Again saw her number come up- and again IGNORE- so she is a right off-no one disses my kids- especially those who never see them or take the time to see them and then when they do talk shit about them- and I might add for no reason at all- I don't know what the hell she was talking about anyway- She's fucked- always looking for something to bitch about- not interested.. no time for bullshit and drama... life is too short for that. I have put up with her shit my whole life- I will be damned if she is going to talk about my babies that way and like I said, I am tired of tip toeing around her and trying to figure out what she is so god damned mad about all the time. Done and done....

A-Hole Alert

So I am in a quandary as it were- I thought the drama bullshit ended once I left work and was away from the "women folk" (we all know how that can be). But it seems as though it has reared its ugly head again and I find myself at a loss as to what to do about it. My first instinct is to attack- because that is what I do when I am wounded, but by doing that I may make someone else's life more difficult than it is, so I probably shouldn't, and besides.. I am not that person anymore.. or at least I am trying not to be. Anyway this person is talking shit about me and from what I can gather from the situation, it seems to be out of almost jealousy that this person is being an a-hole to me- saying bad things about me. Because I have never had it out with this person, nothing "happened" and I think I wasn't supposed to know this person was talking shit about me and it just kinda came out- but I know now and I know it wasn't just one little thing said_ I know it is a everyday thing . What bothers me is that this person stands, in a way, between me and someone extra super special to me and it almost makes me want to distance myself from this special person just so the a-hole can see it is not me that is the "problem" but their own doing, their own issues has cause the shit for the a-hole. I dunno- I don't want to make things worse- but I will be damned if I am going to let someone talk shit about me for no good f'ing reason.. I'll have to ponder this for a while...

Just Breathe

So Easter weekend brought with it a series of emotions. The kids had been sick for most of the week prior- but just the usual- runny noses- nothing major. I kept them home from school Tuesday and Wednesday, then Thursday they all went back in the morning because they had a Move-A-Thon which they had been looking forward to for weeks so they went for that and then I kept them home that afternoon- Little Man and Curly had developed a cough and even though it didn't seem too bad- I started Little Man with his puffers and figured he would get past the cold over the weekend. We hadn't- by the way had a problem with Little Man's asthma in almost 2 years- by problem I mean no hospital visits- when he gets a cold we start his puffers and he has been fine - nothing more serious has come of any of his colds no matter how bad they have gotten.... Anyway... By Thursday night I can hear that nasty cough of his getting worse and worse.. And before I know it Little Man is lying in bed beside me moaning and gasping...it all came on so fast... So off we go to the hospital- they take is SATS and he is at 85!!! Bad!!! We don't even wait- we are whisked to a room immediately...

Long story short Little Man is not responding to any treatments- 8 mask treatments, 3 doses of steroids and NO CHANGE. Different Dr's, specialists, respiratory therapists are all coming in and out and no one gets why. we do an X-ray and they discover he has pneumonia in the left lung but still- he should be responding somehow to treatments. This whole time we are in ER by the way, they have him on full oxygen constantly, only to stop it while he is doing his mask treatments. It soon becomes evident we are not going home- The pediatrician- who just so happens to be our pediatrician comes to see him and confirms we will not be going home because his SATS are still too low and that there has been no improvement. Soon we are moved up to the Ped's floor and put in the quarantine room- (I still don't now why- I forgot to ask about that actually) Anyway they tell me straight away that no one else will be in our room and that the bed beside him is for me. I felt so much better- I was so afraid that I would have to go home and leave him here- which of course I wouldn't have done anyway even if it meant I would have stood up leaning against a wall all night. Soon after nurse after nurse and Dr after Dr comes in to see and check and talk- a nurse asks Little Man if he likes the Wii - they bring in a cart with a Wii and 20 games built right into it- Thank god for that- he was so happy-he was like "this is like a hotel!" Which by the way he has never been to a hotel before so I don't know how he would know that.. but anyway I felt better that he felt better. At this point he didn't get that he wasn't going home. Once I told him he broke down and cried- he just wanted to see Curly and Pickle.. it was so sweet/sad. Later that evening Assmeat brought up the other 2 to see him- it was cute- for about 10 minutes and then they all started fighting over the Wii- who was player one- "I don't want to play this game" and the usual sibling stuff..so Little Man settled in for the night and the poor thing- not only did he not sleep the night before either (nor did I ) but now we sure as hell weren't getting any sleep because we had a constant flow of Dr's and nurses checking his vitals, giving him mask treatments- he would just start to fall asleep and someone would come in- then he would get a mask and you can't sleep through that racket- then he would be wired a bit afterwards and watch a little tv- and then the process would start all over again. So we didn't sleep- every once in a a while when I thought he was sleeping I would close my eyes and try to sleep and he would come and crawl into my little tiny non-adjustable cot- and I would bring him back to his bed and re-adjust everything and well what do you know here comes someone else...

Throughout the night the nurses kept telling me his SATS were improving- still on oxygen all the time and doing masks and steroids and added antibiotics for the pneumonia, but things were looking up. So the next day when the nurses came in to give him more meds we were all shocked to see his SATS were down to just as low as they were when we came in- he didn't seem to be struggling to breathe or anything it was weird- they changed machines and everything thinking there must have been a mistake- but no. The pediatrician came in and basically told us there was no way unless something miraculous happened that we would be going home. So there again we get a stream of Dr's and specialists coming and going trying to figure it out- they upped his oxygen and started mask after mask. This went on all day and for some reason, shortly after lunch, they decided to take him off the oxygen and see how he would handle it. He got up to about 94 and stayed there consistently for hours which was awesome and unexpected- after another mask treatment it went even high although shortly after that it came back down- the Dr's concluded that it was the pneumonia in the lung that was making his SATS so low and not the same as it would be if it was just his asthma causing it - so that was good news I guess- it was just a matter of getting the antibiotics into him to get that pneumonia out of his lung- Finally after seeing him not go below 95 the decided he could come home with of course, all the antibiotics and steroids and his puffers to do- but that's ok- we'll take it- so we set off home and as I write this now- he is so much better you would almost never know how bad he was just a couple of days ago- So we celebrated Easter- a day late because you know Mommy had to contact the Easter Bunnies "people" to arrange for him to come a day later because we thought Little Man would still be hospital- no one seemed to mind and I stayed up til the wee hours of the morning writing clues and making de-coders for them to "de-code" the clues and search for their goodies- it went over well- and everyone got a lot of goodies!! I'm so glad my little guy is ok now.. it just goes to show you that you can never tell- you never know when something can go horribly wrong...

No.. No .. Don`t say anything- just go with it...

So its now April- all of these months that have passed since I vowed I would start exercising and yet I have done nothing- At first it was, Oh I will wait til Assmeat gets back to work- and well since that hasn't happened- I wonder what other excuses I will come up with before I start - I don't want to get to summer and think why didn't I do something before? I don't want to be fat again for another summer and never put a bathing suit on or wear shorts or hate every single picture that is taken of me.. I don't wanna!!! Ok there is my rant for the moment... There's a bag of cookies with my name on it waiting to be eaten... just kidding.... Or not....

P.S. Blee Blah Blue......

I love my kids

I love that my kids are so much like me in so many ways- Just silly things though you know- like the fact that Pickle and Little Man for the most part anyway, love doing crafties. I love that my kids love rice and gravy just like me and just like me, it is their comfort food. I love that Pickle will come home from school, or just spend an entire Saturday for that matter, cuddled up in her bed in her jammies watching movies and playing with barbies or coloring. I love that we all love playing board games - and I love that I have probably 20 some-odd board games that one day we will play together but that I am happy just to play snakes and ladders or monopoly jr or checkers or whatever until then. I am happy that my kids still don't care that I show up to school when it's pizza lunch day and hang out until the bell rings even though it would be like a "day off " for me- I am glad they still run to me calling my name when they get out of school every day... I am just happy my kids like me and like being with me and we like doing things together- and I am disturbed that some people don't seem to care that their kids don't want to be around them....

You Are Not Dreaming...

Ok so - I am not going to spend this entire post rehashing the last 6-8 months or going on about why I haven't blogged- I just haven't- not that there hasn't been anything to blog about. Mostly, to be honest, its just because I am or was- or always will be, caught up in the Facebook world and of course- skype.. so whatever- I'm back- ...

I am also, not dead- not dying, that I know of- not feeling 100% but I would say in the range of 80-85% which is acceptable. I am still a non-smoker thank you very much and plan to stay that way FOREVER! I am so grateful I do not smoke anymore- I don't have to worry about how I will quit- "oh how will I ever stop smoking?" I am done with it and I am so awesome for that!!!! I also- on the down side gained at least 20 pounds over the past year because of that- but I can get rid of the weight- once motivation kicks in again.....

Why do I have no motivation you ask?? I will say one thing and I know I need not say another thing: CC- UNEMPLOYED- A-Fucken-GAIN- since mid-December.. how is he not dead? How am I not in jail/gone out of my f'ing mind you ask? I do not rightly know.... that is all I want to say about that right now. It makes my stomach hurt.

So I'm back.. I will try for a goal of once a week- maybe more to just keep the juices flowing if nothing else... I have to get back to me stuff - do things I like- and I like to write... and so, I shall....