OK I have had a rough go for the past couple of months but I tell you what- other than the obvious reasons, my kids have saved my life- whenever I am feeling down or had enough or just plan shitty- one of them will say something to make me laugh or smile and forget for a moment that my life is really fucked up right now... case and point:
This morning I am getting the kids ready for school- with 3 five year olds it is just ridiculous getting snow pants, boots and hats, mitts, scarves etc on- just crazy- so I am getting frustrated with them and I kept coughing (I have been fighting a cold for the past few days) so anyway I am hacking and hacking and Pickle says to me- "Mom, you should take your FUCKLEY'S- you should take FUCKLEY'S every day until you feel better." Curly then says "Yah mom- it tastes awful- but it works" It took me a second to figure out what the hell they were talking about until I saw the bottle of BUCKLEY'S I had bought the other day sitting on the counter and realized that was what she was trying to say- and then with Curly reciting the commercial I just about pissed my pants I was laughing so hard- and then of course they all starting singing "everything's gonna be alllrightttt...." I could have died laughing- fuck my kids are funny....
Monday, January 29, 2007
TRIPLETS ON ICE
OK so finally something that I did worked out. I always have these grand ideas about shit and then when I do them it sucks or it just doesn't work out the way I want them to. But this time, I did it right- I made an ice rink on my back deck for the kids and it worked and it's great! We tried out it yesterday for the first time and the kids had a blast. Little Man is especially good at skating- it was their very first time on skates and they all liked it and all did very well- too cute..
Friday, January 26, 2007
WHERE'S A VIDEO CAMERA WHEN YOU NEED ONE?
Ok as I was typing the heading to this post it suddenly occurred to me that directly across the street my neighbour just recently installed video security cameras and there is a camera right outside his door, and one on the garage door both facing the vicinity of his driveway which is directly across from mine- keep this in mind as you read this:
So tomorrow is garbage/recycling/compost day so as the man of the house it is my duty to get it all together and put out to the curb the night before. And of course I always leave it for the last moment - right before I go to bed. So, being that as it may, I am already in jammies and so whilst I was taking stuff out to the curb, I just throw on a pair of slip on shoes and a sweatercoat even though the temperature out there right now is a balmy 2o below zero- no shit. So anyway I get all the shit from the house and put it out and then open the garage with my remote (because the keypad does not work when it is even remotely cold out) and I gather all the shit from in there running the whole time because it is fucken cold out- and then I go to click the doorbell from inside the garage which also shuts it and it starts to close but then stops and goes back up which usually means something is in the way of the sensors- so I move everything way way back and try and try and try and nothing- it won't go down. So I try the remote which will not work at all- so this goes on now for about 15 minutes and I am fucken cold and frustrated. What do I do? Do I call someone? Unlikely because this is now 11:30 at night and who the fuck wants to get a call from a chick who can't get her garage closed on the coldest night of the season? Anyway.. so I am trying to come up with options here and the only thing I could think of is if I go inside the garage and close it with the doorbell thing and do an Indiana Jones move and roll out just as the door is almost closed. So I try this- several times and yeah just not fast enough I am afraid because it gets to a certain point and then starts opening again- this in itself is enough to make me want to cry now and so I figure the only option is to let the door close as close to the floor as I can and stop it so I can squeeze out. So I do this and get out and realize- yeah no, this is not good- the garage is way to open and anyone could walk along and come and take my shit. So I'm on the outside now and I think maybe if I try the remote now it will close all the way- yeah no.. it opens again so I am now back in the garage letting it close only so far and rolling out on the cold hard ground. And again it is way to open and I press the remote and again it goes back up- so I try it this time giving myself as little possible space as I can- I mean I had to suck every orfus of my body in - but no- sadly I am not quite that thin- so I go to open it a bit more (I'm on the inside remember) and this time it closes - and I press the button and NOTHING! It will not do anything. I am on the inside of the garage and I am stuck and the door will not open and my babies are inside and I am half dressed and cold. So I try and try and try- I would say only about 10 minutes went by but it felt like an hour I swear- I could barely move my hands and my feet were so fucken cold. I decided I would press the button one more time before I started screaming for help. I did and it worked (obviously or I would not be typing this now would I?) so I got the fuck out of there and the left the fucken garage open... great - now I will not sleep because I will be afraid someone will come in and take my stuff- or maybe animals will camp out in there- shit man there are skunks out all over the place the night before garbage day- that's what I need- a family of skunks in my garage....- holy shit- what a fucken crap night......At least my neighbours will have a good laugh when they review their footage... Somehow I picture them sitting in front of a tv with popcorn howling as they watched me roll around on the floor... great.. can you say LOOSER?!
So tomorrow is garbage/recycling/compost day so as the man of the house it is my duty to get it all together and put out to the curb the night before. And of course I always leave it for the last moment - right before I go to bed. So, being that as it may, I am already in jammies and so whilst I was taking stuff out to the curb, I just throw on a pair of slip on shoes and a sweatercoat even though the temperature out there right now is a balmy 2o below zero- no shit. So anyway I get all the shit from the house and put it out and then open the garage with my remote (because the keypad does not work when it is even remotely cold out) and I gather all the shit from in there running the whole time because it is fucken cold out- and then I go to click the doorbell from inside the garage which also shuts it and it starts to close but then stops and goes back up which usually means something is in the way of the sensors- so I move everything way way back and try and try and try and nothing- it won't go down. So I try the remote which will not work at all- so this goes on now for about 15 minutes and I am fucken cold and frustrated. What do I do? Do I call someone? Unlikely because this is now 11:30 at night and who the fuck wants to get a call from a chick who can't get her garage closed on the coldest night of the season? Anyway.. so I am trying to come up with options here and the only thing I could think of is if I go inside the garage and close it with the doorbell thing and do an Indiana Jones move and roll out just as the door is almost closed. So I try this- several times and yeah just not fast enough I am afraid because it gets to a certain point and then starts opening again- this in itself is enough to make me want to cry now and so I figure the only option is to let the door close as close to the floor as I can and stop it so I can squeeze out. So I do this and get out and realize- yeah no, this is not good- the garage is way to open and anyone could walk along and come and take my shit. So I'm on the outside now and I think maybe if I try the remote now it will close all the way- yeah no.. it opens again so I am now back in the garage letting it close only so far and rolling out on the cold hard ground. And again it is way to open and I press the remote and again it goes back up- so I try it this time giving myself as little possible space as I can- I mean I had to suck every orfus of my body in - but no- sadly I am not quite that thin- so I go to open it a bit more (I'm on the inside remember) and this time it closes - and I press the button and NOTHING! It will not do anything. I am on the inside of the garage and I am stuck and the door will not open and my babies are inside and I am half dressed and cold. So I try and try and try- I would say only about 10 minutes went by but it felt like an hour I swear- I could barely move my hands and my feet were so fucken cold. I decided I would press the button one more time before I started screaming for help. I did and it worked (obviously or I would not be typing this now would I?) so I got the fuck out of there and the left the fucken garage open... great - now I will not sleep because I will be afraid someone will come in and take my stuff- or maybe animals will camp out in there- shit man there are skunks out all over the place the night before garbage day- that's what I need- a family of skunks in my garage....- holy shit- what a fucken crap night......At least my neighbours will have a good laugh when they review their footage... Somehow I picture them sitting in front of a tv with popcorn howling as they watched me roll around on the floor... great.. can you say LOOSER?!
YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?
Oh My God I am so fucken pissed off right now I could just spit- well, ok seeing as though that is one of the most vulgar things you can do- I shall not- but just know that I am that mad that it actually crossed my mind. So CC just called all full of pep and vigor and was all talking up the kids and shit and telling - me who is here dealing with all of this shit and the kids alone to give the kids a snack before bed time because Little Man told him he was hungry when he was talking to him on the phone- anyway he's all "just give him a snack or something no?" and I was all - fuck you- don't even tell me what to do with the kids- you have no idea.. Now mind you, this was kind of half-hearted- kinda joking around at this point, and then he says "so check this great news out" and so it begins... He proceeds to tell me that the cocksucker (oh my isn't that an awful word) who he lived with out in Sarnia and who lied to me over and over telling me he had no idea where CC was those days he was "missing" has a job for CC here waiting for when he gets out and that it will only be 4 days at week at first but thereafter a lot of hours and its a great job and blah blah blah. Now keep in mind- this is also the same guy who fucked around on his wife/girlfriend out there and did the drugs and is about 10 or so years younger than CC and drinks like a siv and has not a care in the world much less responsibilities at home. Also know this: CC was just not 2 days ago almost in tears with me on the phone saying how scared he is to go back to work because everyone does "it" and how can he be around people like that yadda yadda yadda AND even went so far as to say that he may change professions all together and start again with something new and of course being me I was telling him if he wanted to make a career change I would support him 100% etc etc and so on and so on.... So..... after he gets through his little speech there- I say to him- "Do you really think that is a good idea?" "Isn't he the one you got into all this trouble with?" And then he says to me "I'm not doing this" all adement like. " And I said oh no - no no you are not fucken doing this to me- you just sit there in your little fucken cabin in the woods and call me up and tell me this and I am supposed to be all happy happy about it? What the hell happend to not being able to be around people that use?" And then he says "Tell me one person who doesn't" and then he says "I'm not going to talk to you about this anymore" and I said "Beg your fucken pardon? You don't sit there and tell me you are not going to talk to me about something because you don't like what you hear after I have been sitting here for weeks being all nicey nice to you so as not to upset you and letting things go just so you can deal with what you have to deal with when all the while I should be blasting your ass for what you have done to me and your family so don't you tell me you aren't going to talk to me about something" And then he says - "I think I would rather talk to you about this on Saturday- I am not doing this now" I was so pissed at that point I just said fine and hung up... What the fuck? Who the fuck are you to tell me you don't want to discuss something- I have been not discussing anything I want to because you can't deal with it right now- well guess what MO FO (mother fucker- but its seems less vulgar when you say MO FO doesn't it?) all bets are off- the only disadvantage I have is he can hang up and its not like I can call him back or anything- oh but I will say what needs to be said- oh yes, yes I will and no more little miss nice nice- fuck that shit- he fucked me over he ruined our financial lives and he made a mockary of our marriage- gloves are off you fuck... Jenna is back!!!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
THINGS YOU'D NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D HEAR SOMEONE SAY...
So my little ones are here playing "spaceship" And Curly says and I quote: "According to my calculations, we are at URANUS"..... HA!
Monday, January 22, 2007
I DID NOT CAUSE IT, I CAN'T CONTROL IT AND I CAN'T CURE IT...
So, I had a nice weekend- exhausting but nice. I didn't have to go and see CC as his best friend (also a coke head and a drunk- how lovely) went up on Saturday and his parents went up Sunday so I got the weekend off so to speak. My sister and Baby Hannah came over on Saturday and we spent the day together just hanging out here- it was nice and then Sunday S and her 2 and her sister and her 2 came over as we haven't even seen each other for Christmas yet- isn't that ridiculous? My very best friend in the world and we haven't even seen each other for Christmas- unacceptable! So anyway they came, we hung out, we played, we laughed, we ate- it was nice. So on the CC front- he's been good- he's getting ancy now, it's getting boring he says and he just wants to come home to start practicing everything he has been taught and see how he fairs on the outside. He is still scared of going back to work- but unless we win the lottery which is unlikely, you gotta work my friend. So anyway we'll see- I just keep telling him I have to see what happens when he gets out. I told him that this was his one and only chance to make things work or its goodbye. I told him I still really haven't made a decision as to what I want to do - if I can be with him again- like we were- or rather like we should have been - it will be so hard for me- but anyway let's pretend I can- let's pretend I can get past these things- I told him this is make or break anyway- if he relapses that's it- not only will he loose me- but the kids too- we are a package deal I told him- and if he decides he can't live without the drugs or drinking well then he'll have to live without us- I will not have my boys growing up treating women with disrespect and I will not have my boys growing up to be drinkers or getting into the drug shit- the cycle stops here- no more and if you can't be committed to your kids and me and be committed to staying away from drugs and alcohol then you will not be a part of their lives- I will not have it- I even went so far as to tell him I would take the kids and run if I was ordered to give him visitation- my children will have no part of him unless he he changes his ways for good- not just for a couple of months or years for that matter. This is it my friend. One chance to save your life, your marriage and your relationship with your kids- the first sign of things going astray you are out on your ass and you can die for all I care-I cannot let this ruin my children- no fucken way..... OH... My .....I felt like I was talking to him again just then. I was getting all heated all over again.. ok whew... take a breath....
I just talked to him- he sounds really down- I try to be encouraging and supportive but there is still this part of my that wants to say "that's what you get" "You did this to yourself" "it's your own fault you are there so fucken deal with it". It is very difficult for me sometimes to not say things like that I want to- I want to so badly- but then I worry that me getting on him like that or saying those things will push him back to what he was doing- but then I cannot tip toe around him- I cannot worry that things I say t0 him will make him go back to it- if he's gonna do it he will do it - right? I am not going to live my life being all nicey nice just so he won't do drugs- I mean I can't right? That isn't realistic is it now? I simply have to say what I have to say when I want to say it- or do I ? Fuck, I don't even know what to do anymore. I just worry that when he gets out things will slowly slip back into the way they were- not necessarily him doing drugs- just the same old thing- same hum drum shit of him not being involved, him not taking an interest in anything- he has to finish all of his steps- he's really only on step one right so it is up to him to continue them on when he gets out- I wonder if he can- I don't know how that all works- I just don't know anymore about anything. sigh....
I just talked to him- he sounds really down- I try to be encouraging and supportive but there is still this part of my that wants to say "that's what you get" "You did this to yourself" "it's your own fault you are there so fucken deal with it". It is very difficult for me sometimes to not say things like that I want to- I want to so badly- but then I worry that me getting on him like that or saying those things will push him back to what he was doing- but then I cannot tip toe around him- I cannot worry that things I say t0 him will make him go back to it- if he's gonna do it he will do it - right? I am not going to live my life being all nicey nice just so he won't do drugs- I mean I can't right? That isn't realistic is it now? I simply have to say what I have to say when I want to say it- or do I ? Fuck, I don't even know what to do anymore. I just worry that when he gets out things will slowly slip back into the way they were- not necessarily him doing drugs- just the same old thing- same hum drum shit of him not being involved, him not taking an interest in anything- he has to finish all of his steps- he's really only on step one right so it is up to him to continue them on when he gets out- I wonder if he can- I don't know how that all works- I just don't know anymore about anything. sigh....
Thursday, January 18, 2007
DAY 15
So- here we are 15 days into treatment. He seems different- if you've read my other blogs you will have an idea about what I am talking about- and if you know CC at all- you will have noted a big difference just in things he has said or talked about recently that I have written about. Anyway he seems to be doing very well- accepting he is an addict and alcoholic and that he indeed needs to be there. He is hell bent on fixing his family and being an intricate part of our lives regardless of what I decide to do. That of course is encouraging, but obviously I am not getting my hopes up- not this time. I am desperately trying to keep a handle on things here with no money coming in and having to borrow money from his family mainly just to pay the mortgage and bills, plus keeping up the facade to the kids that everything is honky dory, and everything else life throws at me on a daily basis. We (I) had a scare with Curly about 2 weeks ago wherein I had to rush him to the hospital because he was peeing blood! We are still in the works with all of that- they can't figure out why. Then of course as if I didn't need any more drama, Little Man has gotten slightly sick with a cold, but as always, with a cold comes the asthma, and at many times throughout the past few days I have been on the verge of rushing him in for his mask treatments. So, the idea of me even having a moment to consider what has happened over the past 2 months is just ridiculous as sad as that is. But like I said, he seems to be catching the play- he's very open and honest and sounds genuinely excited to talk to me each night and asks to talk to the kids everytime which never happened when he was away- I'm trying to keep things in perspective- I'm trying not to get sucked in although sometimes it seems like I am, even to myself- I don't want to live my life being on the defensive either- but it is so hard not to be when you have been burnt as many times as I have. I can have hope, and I certainly do- but I have to just keep it real- accept that I may very well have to start over alone (with my kids alone I mean) and that I tried my best but couldn't get past certain issues- that very well may be what happens- I just don't know yet- I am so confused- all the time.
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
ASSUMPTION
You always assumed
that I was so strong.
I was a rock.
I told you I wasn't
I told you I was breaking.
You told me I'd be fine.
You told me I'd overcome this-
and that I would be stronger from it.
I knew that wasn't so.
But I believed in your faith in me
and tried to keep going.
And when that wasn't enough to sustain me
I reached out for you-
but you walked away.
You thought I'd be fine
you thought I would pick myself up off the ground
and walk on.
But I didn't.
And you never helped me up.
You let me lay there
wallowing in despair,
drowning in my own tears
waiting for you to notice
that I wasn't with you...
that I was so strong.
I was a rock.
I told you I wasn't
I told you I was breaking.
You told me I'd be fine.
You told me I'd overcome this-
and that I would be stronger from it.
I knew that wasn't so.
But I believed in your faith in me
and tried to keep going.
And when that wasn't enough to sustain me
I reached out for you-
but you walked away.
You thought I'd be fine
you thought I would pick myself up off the ground
and walk on.
But I didn't.
And you never helped me up.
You let me lay there
wallowing in despair,
drowning in my own tears
waiting for you to notice
that I wasn't with you...
SILENCE
Stay silent.
Stay squirming.
Search your mind
for the right thing to say.
You will not find it.
You cannot take away
the pain I feel
with mere words.
I thought
we were in this together.
Us against the world.
The world came knocking
and you pretended
you weren't home.
Cowering behind your ignorance.
Leaving me
to face it alone.
The world
took its toll on me.
And forever
I will remember
how your awkward silence
destroyed us both.
Stay squirming.
Search your mind
for the right thing to say.
You will not find it.
You cannot take away
the pain I feel
with mere words.
I thought
we were in this together.
Us against the world.
The world came knocking
and you pretended
you weren't home.
Cowering behind your ignorance.
Leaving me
to face it alone.
The world
took its toll on me.
And forever
I will remember
how your awkward silence
destroyed us both.
JUST LET IT ALL OUT
Slide into the abyss
where nothingness is the norm-
no crying
no sadness;
no anger or disappointment.
The sun will not blind you
or burn you.
The air will not choke you.
Your heart cannot break.
You may speak without hesitation
or repercussions.
You may sleep for a thousand years.
Time does not matter.
You have no obligations here-
no one to answer to,
no pressures,
no "have to's".
And when it is time to leave
you will know.
You will return
and you will function again-
refreshed, renewed, reborn.
But there will always be a place for you here-
to serve as your sanctuary.
To be the escape from your fears;
to come when your heart needs time to heal.
Come now, let yourself go.
It's alright to need this place.
Hurry, before the meltdown.
Hurry, before you slip to the other side.
We cannot reach you there-
there you are lost forever...
where nothingness is the norm-
no crying
no sadness;
no anger or disappointment.
The sun will not blind you
or burn you.
The air will not choke you.
Your heart cannot break.
You may speak without hesitation
or repercussions.
You may sleep for a thousand years.
Time does not matter.
You have no obligations here-
no one to answer to,
no pressures,
no "have to's".
And when it is time to leave
you will know.
You will return
and you will function again-
refreshed, renewed, reborn.
But there will always be a place for you here-
to serve as your sanctuary.
To be the escape from your fears;
to come when your heart needs time to heal.
Come now, let yourself go.
It's alright to need this place.
Hurry, before the meltdown.
Hurry, before you slip to the other side.
We cannot reach you there-
there you are lost forever...
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I HAVE LIVED THIS LIFE BEFORE
It's funny, but any one who knows me at all knows I have written poetry for years and years (not the past couple but I have a feeling that will change). Anyway, I used to write and sometimes I didn't know where it would come from. I would just write- write about things that I had no personal knowledge of- like certain things I would write people would ask if that had happened to me- but it hadn't- I just wrote about it- anyway it's strange but most of my "stuff" is like that- stuff not about me per se- just stuff I wrote that others happened to relate to I guess. So I was sitting here- as I have been all day- just going through papers and wasting time, filling time- trying not to think too much, and I came across some folders with some of my stuff I wrote years ago and man, I tell ya what- it's kinda freaky cause the stuff I am reading is how I am feeling now- and I can't imagine why I would have wrote this stuff back then- what was so horrible then to make me write such things that I can now so easily relate to? I have certain poems that I wrote about all the baby stuff and what not- those are obvious- but I don't know- it just seems like back then I shouldn't have had reason to write any of this- and now it seems like stuff I should have written in the last month or so.. maybe I was just too mellow dramatic back then I don't know- anyway here's a few.. there pretty crappy- most of them and cheesy- but so true to my life right now- it's just all weird that's all...
Time does not heal all wounds,
Time does not heal all wounds,
the years don't help them fade
you always hope you'll one day loose
the memories that remain.
But the scars, they stay forever
to remind you of what was then
to torture you
to limit you
to relive it all again.
Some days it only hurts a little
some days it hurts a lot,
so many tears
so many years
nothing makes it stop.
And sometimes you fight to stay awake
afraid to close your eyes
no more dreaming
no more dreaming
no more midnight cries.
Living in the echoes
of who you used to be
trapped behind the shadows
wanting to be free.
You wait to be forgiven
what is it that you've done?
You look for someone else to blame
You look for someone else to blame
but you must be the one.
You'll hold the hurt inside of you
'til you break apart
slip away
fade away
die of a broken heart....
*******************************************************
Everything happens for a reason-
that's what they always tell me.
They say that
when they want to give me something to think about-
something to reflect upon.
It's supposed to enlighten me.
It's supposed to make me grow-
make me stronger.
Well-
I want someone to blame.
I want someone to confess to this travesty-
I want someone to stand up and tell me
they did this-
that they made this happen.
And then
I want
to hurt them back...
*********************************************************
Don't Let Go
Hold me.
Help me to forget.
I don't want to remember this day.
There is too much pain here.
keep talking to me.
Help my mind to clear.
Make me laugh.
I need to forget-
or I cannot take another
breath,
I cannot take another
step
alone
again.
just keep holding me.
Don't let go.
Please.
I am still remembering-
don't let go yet....
************************************************
What if I told you
that I have never been so scared in my entire life?
What if I told you
that sometimes I can't get out of bed
and sometimes
I have to tell myself to breathe?
What if I told you
that night after night
I lay in the dark-
unable to close my eyes.
And that I was afraid to sleep-
afraid to dream?
Could you save me then?
Could you make it all go away?
Could you make it all go away?
What if I told you
you couldn't touch me.
And that if you did
I would break into a million pieces?
And what if I told you
And what if I told you
that sometimes
I cry so hard
that I cannot catch my breath?
What if I told you that sometimes
I feel I cannot take anymore
and that sometimes I do not want to go on?
Could you fix me then?
Or would you walk away?
Could you fix me then?
Or would you walk away?
****************************************************
*Side note: I know I said these reflect how I am feeling now- but I assure all of you out there- I am in no way thinking or have thought about killing myself- I would never ever do that- I couldn't leave my babies after all now could I? So ignore those parts- but everything else is still pretty accurate oddly enough....
YESTERDAY
Yesterday
I drove alone
150 miles to visit you.
When I arrived
you were waiting outside smoking.
I got out of the van and walked to you
and you hugged me very tightly.
You asked how the drive was
which I said was fine.
But really it wasn't.
3 1/2 hours is a long time to be alone with yourself
and your thoughts
when you're not used to having five minutes alone- ever.
You asked if I could give some of the guys a ride into town.
I didn't mind.
So there we were,
me and 7 drug addicts in my mini-van
driving into town
making small talk.
What do you say?
And secretly I was wondering what they thought of me.
Why should I care?
But I did.
And I thought about how much time I had taken to get ready that morning.
And how I stopped down the road and made sure I looked just right before I pulled in to meet you.
And I don't know why.
I am not like that.
I throw my hair up in a ponytail most days and that suits me just fine.
I don't wear make up or buy the newest trendy clothing.
But yesterday I made sure I looked good.
Put on my skinny jeans- the ones I haven't been able to put on for,
well, for years.
My hair cooperated
and I even had some eyeliner and mascara on.
And I don't know why.
I'm not sure if I wanted you to notice and to say something
or if I wanted your "friends" to look at me and wonder how you could have cheated on someone that looked like me.
I don't know why I made such an effort.
But I did.
So the whole ride I was wondering what they thought-
after all they have heard all the stories I am sure.
I'm sure they all know more about it than I do.
And that bothered me.
Maybe I don't want to know it all-
I'm not sure yet.
But I was angry because these complete strangers knew more about my life than I did.
We dropped them off at a barbershop and we drove on.
Where do you want to go you asked.
How the hell did I know?
This is a town of one thousand people, one store, one gas station, one barbershop and a used clothing store.
Where the hell were we supposed to go?
We drove around a little and you talked-
a lot.
About some of the guys that were in there
and what they had done-
their horror stories-
their rock bottoms.
And I asked you
what was your rock bottom?
Or had you even gotten there?
And you said
that your rock bottom was loosing me and the kids.
And that whether I believed it or not-
you would never have cheated on me if not for the drugs and alcohol-
it made you a different person
it wasn't you
you were insane.
And I thought about it
but I didn't respond.
I just looked at you-
tried to look right into your eyes
and beyond.
So many times I had looked at you
but you would look away
never being able to make eye contact
never being able to speak without stumbling over your words.
Trying of course to come up with the best lie
or remember the last one.
But this time
you looked at me back
eyes wide open-
no hesitation
you spoke with such confidence and such valor.
You spoke.
You said there were some things you couldn't deal with yet.
that you have had to put on the "back burner"
because you feel too badly about it.
Because you cannot face it yet.
But it is there waiting and it's not going to go away until you deal with it.
One of those things you said
is what you did to me.
You are still to ashamed,
still hold so much guilt that it is physically painful to talk about
and deal with .
but that you will.
that you have to.
And then you told me that your drug problem wasn't just a problem
for the last few months like you first told me.
Or, the last year like subsequently told me.
But for years- at least 8 or 9.
8 or 9 years?
The the glimmer of hope I had inside started to be overtaken by anger.
Not only had my world fallen apart before my very eyes
but now I come to find out
that the last 9 years of my life have been an absolute lie.
That I had been oblivious to it all
ignorant and stupid for 9 years
not just one.
Things started flashing in my mind.
occasions of fights and the nights you never came home and the money going missing and everything.
It started reeling through my mind
and I thought how many lies there were.
You said
"you don't even know Jen- you have no idea how bad it was"
And you're right- I don't even know
but how did I not know?
I don't understand.
How did you get away with it for so long?
I was slightly
ok more than slightly taken aback by this-
and confused
and hurt all over again.
But at the same time,
oddly amazed by your honestly
and you forthcomingness.
We started talking about some other things
and then I took you to get your hair cut.
There are rules there you tell me.
You have to shave everyday
hair must be short
beds made.
Lots of rules.
And you sounded almost proud that you had been doing it all.
After the haircut we went to get coffee
in the town restaurant where everyone knew each other
and sat and talked about their kids
and the local hockey team.
You talked a lot
and mostly I just listened.
I'm not used to having conversations with you
It was nice and refreshing to hear you excited about things.
But of course I was distracted by the thoughts running through my mind.
Trying to grasp what you had told me.
You started talking about the future
about when you get out.
You said you wanted to start having dinner as a family -
every night sitting at the table together and eating and talking about our days
and that every Sunday we would go to your parents house or they would come to ours and we would all eat together no matter what.
I found myself having flashes of Leave it to Beaver or something and I pictured myself in an apron and high heels cooking in the kitchen-
and then I snapped out of it and stopped you
I told you that the kids and I had been doing that already- for their whole lives
and that you were never there.
That for five years the kids and I sit down everynight for dinner and talk and laugh and sometimes, hours later you would stroll in and grab a plate and sit in front of the tv and eat-
if you came home at all.
I didn't want you to think you came up with some grand idea and oh how wonderful it would be-
I told you I didn't yet want to talk about things like that.
I wasn't ready to talk about a future that I didn't even know that I wanted to have with you.
One day at a time you said
and I agreed.
Some of your rehab buddies came into the shop and you all were talking back and forth and I just watched, listened.
It was odd to see you joking with them,
saying some of the things you were saying.
It's not you.
Not the you I know.
And it is is so strange to me.
I am trying to keep focused
and not to get sucked in.
to put all my trust and faith back into you
even though are you are slowing emerging.
You are slowly subtly becoming the person I always pretended you were.
And maybe things will get better.
But I can't be sure
I have no reason to believe it will
I just have to keep telling myself to hold back
observe and absorb.
Keep the wall up
I'm not ready to let you in yet.
but it seems like a good start.
but then, it always did-
after a fight,
after you would tell me things will be different or you will change.
I fell for it every time.
I told you
that it would take a lot for me to trust in you again
that is if I can
I'm not sure I am capable of it.
I'm not sure my heart will let me.
you said you knew
you said "whatever it takes"
and we left it at that.
We picked up all your buddies
and headed back to the house.
they jumped out of the van and we sat and talked for a bit.
Visiting hours are over at 4.
When we said good bye we hugged and kissed a few times and you whispered that you loved me.
And I said it back
because I do
did
will.
And you said you missed me
and I think that is the first time
you've ever said that
or at least the first time
you ever meant it.
I don't know
its all so confusing.
I don't know what to believe or what to feel.
I left and headed home.
With 3 1/2 hours to think about it all.
I stopped while it was still light out
I realized I hadn't yet eaten - at all
and then when I got back on the road, everything looked unfamiliar
and I ended up somewhere I shouldn't have
and got scared and panicked.
It was dark and I was so nervous
but all I kept thinking was that you were going to call at 7:30
and that I wouldn't make it home by then.
There I go again-
I got back on the right track soon enough but I had gone the long way
I am so ridiculous with directions.
It's hard to believe I have had my license for 18 years and still can't find my way around.
Finally made it home -
your parents left almost immediately and you called
to make sure I was home ok.
you said you would talk to me tomorrow.
And that you loved me.
I spent the rest of the evening going over our conversations in my mind.
Trying to make sense of everything.
Thinking back to all the times I thought you were being real with me
but now knowing you couldn't have been.
I was up until about 4
couldn't sleep
afraid I guess of dreaming.
It's a sad state of affairs
to be afraid of your dreams.
But that I am.
I guess all I can do right now is live
one day at a time.
Just like you said.
and try to figure things out
day by day.
minute by minute
second by second.
I'm not sure what else I can do.
I do know, I am sick of crying.
And questioning myself.
And blaming myself for stupidity.
Today I do feel like the biggest idiot that ever lived.
But maybe I won't tomorrow.
I drove alone
150 miles to visit you.
When I arrived
you were waiting outside smoking.
I got out of the van and walked to you
and you hugged me very tightly.
You asked how the drive was
which I said was fine.
But really it wasn't.
3 1/2 hours is a long time to be alone with yourself
and your thoughts
when you're not used to having five minutes alone- ever.
You asked if I could give some of the guys a ride into town.
I didn't mind.
So there we were,
me and 7 drug addicts in my mini-van
driving into town
making small talk.
What do you say?
And secretly I was wondering what they thought of me.
Why should I care?
But I did.
And I thought about how much time I had taken to get ready that morning.
And how I stopped down the road and made sure I looked just right before I pulled in to meet you.
And I don't know why.
I am not like that.
I throw my hair up in a ponytail most days and that suits me just fine.
I don't wear make up or buy the newest trendy clothing.
But yesterday I made sure I looked good.
Put on my skinny jeans- the ones I haven't been able to put on for,
well, for years.
My hair cooperated
and I even had some eyeliner and mascara on.
And I don't know why.
I'm not sure if I wanted you to notice and to say something
or if I wanted your "friends" to look at me and wonder how you could have cheated on someone that looked like me.
I don't know why I made such an effort.
But I did.
So the whole ride I was wondering what they thought-
after all they have heard all the stories I am sure.
I'm sure they all know more about it than I do.
And that bothered me.
Maybe I don't want to know it all-
I'm not sure yet.
But I was angry because these complete strangers knew more about my life than I did.
We dropped them off at a barbershop and we drove on.
Where do you want to go you asked.
How the hell did I know?
This is a town of one thousand people, one store, one gas station, one barbershop and a used clothing store.
Where the hell were we supposed to go?
We drove around a little and you talked-
a lot.
About some of the guys that were in there
and what they had done-
their horror stories-
their rock bottoms.
And I asked you
what was your rock bottom?
Or had you even gotten there?
And you said
that your rock bottom was loosing me and the kids.
And that whether I believed it or not-
you would never have cheated on me if not for the drugs and alcohol-
it made you a different person
it wasn't you
you were insane.
And I thought about it
but I didn't respond.
I just looked at you-
tried to look right into your eyes
and beyond.
So many times I had looked at you
but you would look away
never being able to make eye contact
never being able to speak without stumbling over your words.
Trying of course to come up with the best lie
or remember the last one.
But this time
you looked at me back
eyes wide open-
no hesitation
you spoke with such confidence and such valor.
You spoke.
You said there were some things you couldn't deal with yet.
that you have had to put on the "back burner"
because you feel too badly about it.
Because you cannot face it yet.
But it is there waiting and it's not going to go away until you deal with it.
One of those things you said
is what you did to me.
You are still to ashamed,
still hold so much guilt that it is physically painful to talk about
and deal with .
but that you will.
that you have to.
And then you told me that your drug problem wasn't just a problem
for the last few months like you first told me.
Or, the last year like subsequently told me.
But for years- at least 8 or 9.
8 or 9 years?
The the glimmer of hope I had inside started to be overtaken by anger.
Not only had my world fallen apart before my very eyes
but now I come to find out
that the last 9 years of my life have been an absolute lie.
That I had been oblivious to it all
ignorant and stupid for 9 years
not just one.
Things started flashing in my mind.
occasions of fights and the nights you never came home and the money going missing and everything.
It started reeling through my mind
and I thought how many lies there were.
You said
"you don't even know Jen- you have no idea how bad it was"
And you're right- I don't even know
but how did I not know?
I don't understand.
How did you get away with it for so long?
I was slightly
ok more than slightly taken aback by this-
and confused
and hurt all over again.
But at the same time,
oddly amazed by your honestly
and you forthcomingness.
We started talking about some other things
and then I took you to get your hair cut.
There are rules there you tell me.
You have to shave everyday
hair must be short
beds made.
Lots of rules.
And you sounded almost proud that you had been doing it all.
After the haircut we went to get coffee
in the town restaurant where everyone knew each other
and sat and talked about their kids
and the local hockey team.
You talked a lot
and mostly I just listened.
I'm not used to having conversations with you
It was nice and refreshing to hear you excited about things.
But of course I was distracted by the thoughts running through my mind.
Trying to grasp what you had told me.
You started talking about the future
about when you get out.
You said you wanted to start having dinner as a family -
every night sitting at the table together and eating and talking about our days
and that every Sunday we would go to your parents house or they would come to ours and we would all eat together no matter what.
I found myself having flashes of Leave it to Beaver or something and I pictured myself in an apron and high heels cooking in the kitchen-
and then I snapped out of it and stopped you
I told you that the kids and I had been doing that already- for their whole lives
and that you were never there.
That for five years the kids and I sit down everynight for dinner and talk and laugh and sometimes, hours later you would stroll in and grab a plate and sit in front of the tv and eat-
if you came home at all.
I didn't want you to think you came up with some grand idea and oh how wonderful it would be-
I told you I didn't yet want to talk about things like that.
I wasn't ready to talk about a future that I didn't even know that I wanted to have with you.
One day at a time you said
and I agreed.
Some of your rehab buddies came into the shop and you all were talking back and forth and I just watched, listened.
It was odd to see you joking with them,
saying some of the things you were saying.
It's not you.
Not the you I know.
And it is is so strange to me.
I am trying to keep focused
and not to get sucked in.
to put all my trust and faith back into you
even though are you are slowing emerging.
You are slowly subtly becoming the person I always pretended you were.
And maybe things will get better.
But I can't be sure
I have no reason to believe it will
I just have to keep telling myself to hold back
observe and absorb.
Keep the wall up
I'm not ready to let you in yet.
but it seems like a good start.
but then, it always did-
after a fight,
after you would tell me things will be different or you will change.
I fell for it every time.
I told you
that it would take a lot for me to trust in you again
that is if I can
I'm not sure I am capable of it.
I'm not sure my heart will let me.
you said you knew
you said "whatever it takes"
and we left it at that.
We picked up all your buddies
and headed back to the house.
they jumped out of the van and we sat and talked for a bit.
Visiting hours are over at 4.
When we said good bye we hugged and kissed a few times and you whispered that you loved me.
And I said it back
because I do
did
will.
And you said you missed me
and I think that is the first time
you've ever said that
or at least the first time
you ever meant it.
I don't know
its all so confusing.
I don't know what to believe or what to feel.
I left and headed home.
With 3 1/2 hours to think about it all.
I stopped while it was still light out
I realized I hadn't yet eaten - at all
and then when I got back on the road, everything looked unfamiliar
and I ended up somewhere I shouldn't have
and got scared and panicked.
It was dark and I was so nervous
but all I kept thinking was that you were going to call at 7:30
and that I wouldn't make it home by then.
There I go again-
I got back on the right track soon enough but I had gone the long way
I am so ridiculous with directions.
It's hard to believe I have had my license for 18 years and still can't find my way around.
Finally made it home -
your parents left almost immediately and you called
to make sure I was home ok.
you said you would talk to me tomorrow.
And that you loved me.
I spent the rest of the evening going over our conversations in my mind.
Trying to make sense of everything.
Thinking back to all the times I thought you were being real with me
but now knowing you couldn't have been.
I was up until about 4
couldn't sleep
afraid I guess of dreaming.
It's a sad state of affairs
to be afraid of your dreams.
But that I am.
I guess all I can do right now is live
one day at a time.
Just like you said.
and try to figure things out
day by day.
minute by minute
second by second.
I'm not sure what else I can do.
I do know, I am sick of crying.
And questioning myself.
And blaming myself for stupidity.
Today I do feel like the biggest idiot that ever lived.
But maybe I won't tomorrow.
Friday, January 12, 2007
TOMORROW
Tomorrow
I am going to see
him.
Tonight I spoke with him
and he cried.
He's afraid he said.
Afraid of coming back.
I let him talk and cry
and didn't say much.
What could I say?
I am afraid too- for so many other reasons.
He's afraid of going back to work.
Of being amongst the people
he drank with
and did drugs with.
He's afraid he can't have a life without drugs.
That's all he's ever known in one way or another.
He told me he wanted me to leave him.
That he did all of these things
so I would leave him and that way
he wouldn't be the bad guy.
Funny-
but I told him that very same thing about a million times.
I told him that's what I thought he was doing.
But of course-
he said I was wrong.
But that's what he thinks.
That's why he thinks he did what he did.
But sorry Charlie-
the story doesn't jive with me.
But for my instincts
and me accusing you of being with a girl when I really had no proof
and of course before you confessed-
you would have just come home that next morning.
And I would never have been the wiser.
I would have been mad for a few days
and not spoken to you.
Buying your story about getting to drunk with the "guys" and not wanting to drive home.
You know, that story you've told me a million times.
And slowly-
things would have gotten back to normal.
And you would have continued doing what you were doing-
all of it.
And you would have gone away for work again.
And led your life the way you have been living it.
But that is not what happened.
It was a good try though-
sounds like a manly thing to say.
Like somehow you are owning up to it.
But you haven't.
Not quite yet.
You know what I think?
I think you heard someone else's' story
in your meetings.
And it sounded like a "good fit"
and so you have now accepted it as your own.
But you know what?
I may have been stupid for a long time.
But I'm not anymore.
And that ain't gonna fly with me my friend.
Not this time...
I am going to see
him.
Tonight I spoke with him
and he cried.
He's afraid he said.
Afraid of coming back.
I let him talk and cry
and didn't say much.
What could I say?
I am afraid too- for so many other reasons.
He's afraid of going back to work.
Of being amongst the people
he drank with
and did drugs with.
He's afraid he can't have a life without drugs.
That's all he's ever known in one way or another.
He told me he wanted me to leave him.
That he did all of these things
so I would leave him and that way
he wouldn't be the bad guy.
Funny-
but I told him that very same thing about a million times.
I told him that's what I thought he was doing.
But of course-
he said I was wrong.
But that's what he thinks.
That's why he thinks he did what he did.
But sorry Charlie-
the story doesn't jive with me.
But for my instincts
and me accusing you of being with a girl when I really had no proof
and of course before you confessed-
you would have just come home that next morning.
And I would never have been the wiser.
I would have been mad for a few days
and not spoken to you.
Buying your story about getting to drunk with the "guys" and not wanting to drive home.
You know, that story you've told me a million times.
And slowly-
things would have gotten back to normal.
And you would have continued doing what you were doing-
all of it.
And you would have gone away for work again.
And led your life the way you have been living it.
But that is not what happened.
It was a good try though-
sounds like a manly thing to say.
Like somehow you are owning up to it.
But you haven't.
Not quite yet.
You know what I think?
I think you heard someone else's' story
in your meetings.
And it sounded like a "good fit"
and so you have now accepted it as your own.
But you know what?
I may have been stupid for a long time.
But I'm not anymore.
And that ain't gonna fly with me my friend.
Not this time...
TODAY
Today I felt
confused.
Sad.
Heavy.
I feel like I have somethng pressing on my heart
something pushing
something digging.
If I take a deep breath
I exhale tears.
Today I feel
alone.
And scared.
And unsure.
Of everything.
Today I feel
like I shouldn't have gotten out of bed.
Today
I spoke to him.
Twice.
And I was mature and concise.
And I didn't yell
or tell him I hated him
or cry.
And I wanted to do all of it.
Today we had a conversation like adults.
And he seemed relieved.
Today I felt like I was talking to a stranger.
It wasn't him.
I almost liked it.
Today I hate myself
for being weak.
And stupid.
And afraid.
confused.
Sad.
Heavy.
I feel like I have somethng pressing on my heart
something pushing
something digging.
If I take a deep breath
I exhale tears.
Today I feel
alone.
And scared.
And unsure.
Of everything.
Today I feel
like I shouldn't have gotten out of bed.
Today
I spoke to him.
Twice.
And I was mature and concise.
And I didn't yell
or tell him I hated him
or cry.
And I wanted to do all of it.
Today we had a conversation like adults.
And he seemed relieved.
Today I felt like I was talking to a stranger.
It wasn't him.
I almost liked it.
Today I hate myself
for being weak.
And stupid.
And afraid.
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
MY ONLY REASON TO SMILE
Time it was
and what a time it was
it was
a time of innocence
a time of confidences
long ago
it must be
I have a photograph
preserve your memories
they're all that's left you...
SECRETS 2
When all of this happened- I couldn't eat- I would throw up if I even tried. I think I went about 4 days without putting a single piece of food in my mouth. Even though I know it wasn't healthy, and I was constantly dizzy, I lost 11 pounds in 2 weeks and it makes me not want to eat ever again. I know its wrong, and surely I will make myself very very sick- but I know now I can fight the hunger- I know I can do without- if only for a few days at a time. And I also know- that I am a happier person when I am thin. And I haven't been thin in a very long time.
SADNESS 2
I am having the toughest time holding it together today. I have yelled at my kids unnecessarily. I have a lump in my throat and if I speak, I will surely cry. I hate him today. Yesterday I missed him. Today I hate him for leaving me to deal with all of this. Today I hate him with every ounce of my soul. Today I hate everyone and would willingly switch lives with the next person I see just so I could take a break from the constant thoughts and worries that are swimming in my head. I wish I could shut it off- flick a switch and make it all go away for just a little while, just so I could think or not think- and sleep.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
WHEN THE STORM PASSED
It was Wednesday
The day after
The date of your birth
When I drove you 150 miles
For you to rehabilitate.
If it was another moment in time,
It would have been fun.
It would have been a road trip.
And we would have laughed and made fun of signs and people
And maybe when we were both so desperate to go to the washroom
We would have pulled over to the side of the road and peed in a bush
And it would have been funny trying to shield each other from oncoming cars –
But it wasn’t like that.
It wasn’t a road trip-
I wonder what your road trip was like with her-
When you drove 3 hours with her back to the city in which you met
And did your drugs
And fucked.
I wonder if you laughed with her
And joked around,
If you held her hand while you were driving.
I wonder a lot about things like that.
We didn’t talk much for the 3 and some hours
What was there to say?
I know you were trying to think your way out of it
Or maybe you were trying to figure out how you got to this point in life.
We stopped so we could pee-
You got a coffee
In this little burger joint that looked like a log cabin
and had dead animals hung in the walls,
And on we drove.
If not for the millions of thoughts running through my mind
I might have enjoyed the scenery more.
I might have seen the beauty surrounding us.
But I couldn’t look at anything and see beautiful- not right now-
Not today.
We when arrived, it was too early you said-
So we drove back into town and ordered some fries and gravy
from a little restaurant that only had 2 tables.
It smelt like old people
We ate them in a car; I parked in a carwash lot.
Let’s do this before I change my mind you said
And I thought that was odd of you to say.
There was no choices here-
This was not an option.
And may I remind you-
This was all your idea
And all of your doing
And all of your bad choices and stupidity
And selfishness
And betrayal.
You did this-
You have used up your 50/50, ask the audience and your phone a friend.
No more.
When we walked in
A man was there to greet us.
It was the man you had been talking to on the phone all those times.
He told us a few things
And showed us around.
It was uncomfortable.
I was nervous but I wasn’t sure why.
I could see your face
I could smell the fear.
We went out for a smoke
We were stalling
Both of us were I guess
And you said
I don’t want to do this.
And when I looked at you
You looked like a little boy.
So scared and nervous and I wanted to grab you
And hold you and stroke your hair and tell you
It was all going to be ok and that you should be strong.
But I didn’t.
I smoked my cigarette and you reached to hug me,
your hands still in your coat pockets
you pulled me inside your jacket and I started to cry.
Silently of course
But you knew I was crying- I couldn’t stop my shoulders from shaking.
And you said
Don’t cry
Don’t cry.
And I backed away and wiped away the tears
And tried to contain myself.
We went back inside and asked a few more questions.
And then you said you would walk me to the car.
We hugged and kissed and I told you I loved you
Which I still do
But I can’t imagine why.
And I struggled to hold back the tears until I drove away.
You looked at me and I could read your mind
I could almost see the words scrolling across your eyes.
You wanted me to say
Fuck this-
Get in
Let’s go home.
And I almost did.
I almost wanted to do that I felt so sorry for you.
But I knew I couldn’t.
I knew this had to be.
I know you are so scared
And shy
And hate talking in front of people
And most of all being told what to do.
I know it
And I want to save you from it
But I have been saving you from things
Our whole lives
I have been baring the burden of everything
For 16 years
While you get off so easily
Time for you to bear the burden.
Time for you to have that boulder sitting upon your shoulders.
You did the reaping
Now you do the sowing.
So I drove away- down an unpaved road
Crying so hard I could barely catch my breath.
Coincidentally
BREATHE ME came on just as I was leaving.
That song makes me cry on a good day
And so the tears fell from my eyes like a storm
So much so I had to pull over
I couldn’t see the road
And it would soon be dark
And I was scared to death.
I have never driven so far-
To an unknown place
Alone
Ever.
I calmed down a little
And drive on, watching the sun slowly set
My fingers aching
Knuckles white
From holding the steering wheel so tightly.
9 and 3
not 10 and 2 like they teach you.
I was driving over and under around and through
Landscape everywhere.
I have never seen so many trees
Or rocks.
And then suddenly
I was driving into the sky
It was pink and a brilliant blue and it felt as if I was driving
Right into it
It was a very calming feeling.
Soon the sky turned to fire.
I wished I had my camera with me
You know,
The one you just bought me to make you feel better?
I used your cell phone to take some pictures as I was driving
You know, the phone you used to text message your girlfriend?
Anyway you can’t really get the full effect,
But it was wonderful.
But then, it got dark- real dark
The cars coming the other way were blinding
And I was scared
And alone.
And I just wanted to be at home yelling at one of the kids.
I wanted to pull over and ask you to drive.
I wanted to wiggle my nose and be in a familiar place
I chained smoked
one after the other
but mostly I just held it
wheezing
and the ash became as long as the cigarette was
and my fingers burnt by the filter.
I felt like I had to pee- pretty much right after I left you
and I held it the rest of the way home
bladder screaming
eyes watering
I wanted to pull over a million times
But I was so afraid of getting lost
Of not finding my way back on the highway.
When I left you said
make sue you call when you get home-
I won't sleep if I don't know you are home safe.
And I thought
since when are you worried about me?
Were you worried when you were fucking her?
Or doing line after line spending all of the money?
Where you worried when I found out?
Funny, I don't think you were at all
I think you knew I would hold it together
and I would suck it all up and make you feel ok about things
like I always do
I think you thought I would let it all go and work on fixing you
like I always do
it's funny to hear you worry
I don't think you are capable.
And you not sleep?
Come on
You didn't have any trouble sleeping while I was collapsed on the bathroom floor puking and crying and screaming
you didn't have any trouble when I took the kids and left
you didn't have any trouble sleeping
when I couldn't keep food down for days and days
or when I slept only an hour or two a night because I was so floored
because I was so hurt
so devastated.
When I got home I called there
They said I could, that I should
(not because you were "worried")
I left a message
And you called back an hour or so later
You sounded angry
Or sad
I couldn’t tell.
You said
It is what it is
And again I wondered if you were just angry and sulking about being there
Or if you had already read the letter
I snuck into your bag
The one that told you I had not forgotten
All the things you had done to me
That I had not forgotten that you fucked her
And ran away from home
That I hadn’t forgiven you
And that I had only been civil for the sake of the children
And of Christmas
And that even when your 35 days are up
You have a whole other “program” to go through
If I choose to let you
I didn’t ask if you saw it
And you didn’t tell me you did
I also put together a photo album for you
Of the kids
And us
And your family
I was up last night until 4 in the morning
Did you know that?
Did you figure it out when you saw it?
Did you appreciate it?
You aren’t supposed to have any contact now for 7 days
And you have to use a calling card to call me
Or her
Isn’t that what you did with her?
So I couldn’t track the number down?
Yes, I believe it was
You asked me to buy you a bathing suit
I think maybe I will pretend to look
And even if I do find one
I will not buy it for you
I’ll tell you I searched everywhere
But I won’t.
I think though,
It will be hard for me not to jump every time the phone rings
Thinking it is you
It can’t be
But I will think that every time I bet
How the hell do you have such a hold on me?
I will never understand.
Even though I am worried about you
And shouldn’t be
I am more relaxed than I think I have been in 16 years
I know exactly where you are
I know you can’t be fucking anyone else
Or doing drugs
Or drinking
And this my friend
Is exactly how I should feel all the time
Every minute of the day
I should never have to worry about those kinds of things
I wonder if you realize that ….
Or if you even care...
The day after
The date of your birth
When I drove you 150 miles
For you to rehabilitate.
If it was another moment in time,
It would have been fun.
It would have been a road trip.
And we would have laughed and made fun of signs and people
And maybe when we were both so desperate to go to the washroom
We would have pulled over to the side of the road and peed in a bush
And it would have been funny trying to shield each other from oncoming cars –
But it wasn’t like that.
It wasn’t a road trip-
I wonder what your road trip was like with her-
When you drove 3 hours with her back to the city in which you met
And did your drugs
And fucked.
I wonder if you laughed with her
And joked around,
If you held her hand while you were driving.
I wonder a lot about things like that.
We didn’t talk much for the 3 and some hours
What was there to say?
I know you were trying to think your way out of it
Or maybe you were trying to figure out how you got to this point in life.
We stopped so we could pee-
You got a coffee
In this little burger joint that looked like a log cabin
and had dead animals hung in the walls,
And on we drove.
If not for the millions of thoughts running through my mind
I might have enjoyed the scenery more.
I might have seen the beauty surrounding us.
But I couldn’t look at anything and see beautiful- not right now-
Not today.
We when arrived, it was too early you said-
So we drove back into town and ordered some fries and gravy
from a little restaurant that only had 2 tables.
It smelt like old people
We ate them in a car; I parked in a carwash lot.
Let’s do this before I change my mind you said
And I thought that was odd of you to say.
There was no choices here-
This was not an option.
And may I remind you-
This was all your idea
And all of your doing
And all of your bad choices and stupidity
And selfishness
And betrayal.
You did this-
You have used up your 50/50, ask the audience and your phone a friend.
No more.
When we walked in
A man was there to greet us.
It was the man you had been talking to on the phone all those times.
He told us a few things
And showed us around.
It was uncomfortable.
I was nervous but I wasn’t sure why.
I could see your face
I could smell the fear.
We went out for a smoke
We were stalling
Both of us were I guess
And you said
I don’t want to do this.
And when I looked at you
You looked like a little boy.
So scared and nervous and I wanted to grab you
And hold you and stroke your hair and tell you
It was all going to be ok and that you should be strong.
But I didn’t.
I smoked my cigarette and you reached to hug me,
your hands still in your coat pockets
you pulled me inside your jacket and I started to cry.
Silently of course
But you knew I was crying- I couldn’t stop my shoulders from shaking.
And you said
Don’t cry
Don’t cry.
And I backed away and wiped away the tears
And tried to contain myself.
We went back inside and asked a few more questions.
And then you said you would walk me to the car.
We hugged and kissed and I told you I loved you
Which I still do
But I can’t imagine why.
And I struggled to hold back the tears until I drove away.
You looked at me and I could read your mind
I could almost see the words scrolling across your eyes.
You wanted me to say
Fuck this-
Get in
Let’s go home.
And I almost did.
I almost wanted to do that I felt so sorry for you.
But I knew I couldn’t.
I knew this had to be.
I know you are so scared
And shy
And hate talking in front of people
And most of all being told what to do.
I know it
And I want to save you from it
But I have been saving you from things
Our whole lives
I have been baring the burden of everything
For 16 years
While you get off so easily
Time for you to bear the burden.
Time for you to have that boulder sitting upon your shoulders.
You did the reaping
Now you do the sowing.
So I drove away- down an unpaved road
Crying so hard I could barely catch my breath.
Coincidentally
BREATHE ME came on just as I was leaving.
That song makes me cry on a good day
And so the tears fell from my eyes like a storm
So much so I had to pull over
I couldn’t see the road
And it would soon be dark
And I was scared to death.
I have never driven so far-
To an unknown place
Alone
Ever.
I calmed down a little
And drive on, watching the sun slowly set
My fingers aching
Knuckles white
From holding the steering wheel so tightly.
9 and 3
not 10 and 2 like they teach you.
I was driving over and under around and through
Landscape everywhere.
I have never seen so many trees
Or rocks.
And then suddenly
I was driving into the sky
It was pink and a brilliant blue and it felt as if I was driving
Right into it
It was a very calming feeling.
Soon the sky turned to fire.
I wished I had my camera with me
You know,
The one you just bought me to make you feel better?
I used your cell phone to take some pictures as I was driving
You know, the phone you used to text message your girlfriend?
Anyway you can’t really get the full effect,
But it was wonderful.
But then, it got dark- real dark
The cars coming the other way were blinding
And I was scared
And alone.
And I just wanted to be at home yelling at one of the kids.
I wanted to pull over and ask you to drive.
I wanted to wiggle my nose and be in a familiar place
I chained smoked
one after the other
but mostly I just held it
wheezing
and the ash became as long as the cigarette was
and my fingers burnt by the filter.
I felt like I had to pee- pretty much right after I left you
and I held it the rest of the way home
bladder screaming
eyes watering
I wanted to pull over a million times
But I was so afraid of getting lost
Of not finding my way back on the highway.
When I left you said
make sue you call when you get home-
I won't sleep if I don't know you are home safe.
And I thought
since when are you worried about me?
Were you worried when you were fucking her?
Or doing line after line spending all of the money?
Where you worried when I found out?
Funny, I don't think you were at all
I think you knew I would hold it together
and I would suck it all up and make you feel ok about things
like I always do
I think you thought I would let it all go and work on fixing you
like I always do
it's funny to hear you worry
I don't think you are capable.
And you not sleep?
Come on
You didn't have any trouble sleeping while I was collapsed on the bathroom floor puking and crying and screaming
you didn't have any trouble when I took the kids and left
you didn't have any trouble sleeping
when I couldn't keep food down for days and days
or when I slept only an hour or two a night because I was so floored
because I was so hurt
so devastated.
When I got home I called there
They said I could, that I should
(not because you were "worried")
I left a message
And you called back an hour or so later
You sounded angry
Or sad
I couldn’t tell.
You said
It is what it is
And again I wondered if you were just angry and sulking about being there
Or if you had already read the letter
I snuck into your bag
The one that told you I had not forgotten
All the things you had done to me
That I had not forgotten that you fucked her
And ran away from home
That I hadn’t forgiven you
And that I had only been civil for the sake of the children
And of Christmas
And that even when your 35 days are up
You have a whole other “program” to go through
If I choose to let you
I didn’t ask if you saw it
And you didn’t tell me you did
I also put together a photo album for you
Of the kids
And us
And your family
I was up last night until 4 in the morning
Did you know that?
Did you figure it out when you saw it?
Did you appreciate it?
You aren’t supposed to have any contact now for 7 days
And you have to use a calling card to call me
Or her
Isn’t that what you did with her?
So I couldn’t track the number down?
Yes, I believe it was
You asked me to buy you a bathing suit
I think maybe I will pretend to look
And even if I do find one
I will not buy it for you
I’ll tell you I searched everywhere
But I won’t.
I think though,
It will be hard for me not to jump every time the phone rings
Thinking it is you
It can’t be
But I will think that every time I bet
How the hell do you have such a hold on me?
I will never understand.
Even though I am worried about you
And shouldn’t be
I am more relaxed than I think I have been in 16 years
I know exactly where you are
I know you can’t be fucking anyone else
Or doing drugs
Or drinking
And this my friend
Is exactly how I should feel all the time
Every minute of the day
I should never have to worry about those kinds of things
I wonder if you realize that ….
Or if you even care...
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