WHEN THE STORM PASSED

It was Wednesday
The day after
The date of your birth
When I drove you 150 miles
For you to rehabilitate.
If it was another moment in time,
It would have been fun.
It would have been a road trip.
And we would have laughed and made fun of signs and people
And maybe when we were both so desperate to go to the washroom
We would have pulled over to the side of the road and peed in a bush
And it would have been funny trying to shield each other from oncoming cars –
But it wasn’t like that.
It wasn’t a road trip-
I wonder what your road trip was like with her-
When you drove 3 hours with her back to the city in which you met
And did your drugs
And fucked.
I wonder if you laughed with her
And joked around,
If you held her hand while you were driving.
I wonder a lot about things like that.
We didn’t talk much for the 3 and some hours
What was there to say?
I know you were trying to think your way out of it
Or maybe you were trying to figure out how you got to this point in life.
We stopped so we could pee-
You got a coffee
In this little burger joint that looked like a log cabin
and had dead animals hung in the walls,
And on we drove.
If not for the millions of thoughts running through my mind
I might have enjoyed the scenery more.
I might have seen the beauty surrounding us.
But I couldn’t look at anything and see beautiful- not right now-
Not today.
We when arrived, it was too early you said-
So we drove back into town and ordered some fries and gravy
from a little restaurant that only had 2 tables.
It smelt like old people
We ate them in a car; I parked in a carwash lot.
Let’s do this before I change my mind you said
And I thought that was odd of you to say.
There was no choices here-
This was not an option.
And may I remind you-
This was all your idea
And all of your doing
And all of your bad choices and stupidity
And selfishness
And betrayal.
You did this-
You have used up your 50/50, ask the audience and your phone a friend.
No more.
When we walked in
A man was there to greet us.
It was the man you had been talking to on the phone all those times.
He told us a few things
And showed us around.
It was uncomfortable.
I was nervous but I wasn’t sure why.
I could see your face
I could smell the fear.
We went out for a smoke
We were stalling
Both of us were I guess
And you said
I don’t want to do this.
And when I looked at you
You looked like a little boy.
So scared and nervous and I wanted to grab you
And hold you and stroke your hair and tell you
It was all going to be ok and that you should be strong.
But I didn’t.
I smoked my cigarette and you reached to hug me,
your hands still in your coat pockets
you pulled me inside your jacket and I started to cry.
Silently of course
But you knew I was crying- I couldn’t stop my shoulders from shaking.
And you said
Don’t cry
Don’t cry.
And I backed away and wiped away the tears
And tried to contain myself.
We went back inside and asked a few more questions.
And then you said you would walk me to the car.
We hugged and kissed and I told you I loved you
Which I still do
But I can’t imagine why.
And I struggled to hold back the tears until I drove away.
You looked at me and I could read your mind
I could almost see the words scrolling across your eyes.
You wanted me to say
Fuck this-
Get in
Let’s go home.
And I almost did.
I almost wanted to do that I felt so sorry for you.
But I knew I couldn’t.
I knew this had to be.
I know you are so scared
And shy
And hate talking in front of people
And most of all being told what to do.
I know it
And I want to save you from it
But I have been saving you from things
Our whole lives
I have been baring the burden of everything
For 16 years
While you get off so easily
Time for you to bear the burden.
Time for you to have that boulder sitting upon your shoulders.
You did the reaping
Now you do the sowing.
So I drove away- down an unpaved road
Crying so hard I could barely catch my breath.
Coincidentally
BREATHE ME came on just as I was leaving.
That song makes me cry on a good day
And so the tears fell from my eyes like a storm
So much so I had to pull over
I couldn’t see the road
And it would soon be dark
And I was scared to death.
I have never driven so far-
To an unknown place
Alone
Ever.
I calmed down a little
And drive on, watching the sun slowly set
My fingers aching
Knuckles white
From holding the steering wheel so tightly.
9 and 3
not 10 and 2 like they teach you.
I was driving over and under around and through
Landscape everywhere.
I have never seen so many trees
Or rocks.
And then suddenly
I was driving into the sky
It was pink and a brilliant blue and it felt as if I was driving
Right into it
It was a very calming feeling.
Soon the sky turned to fire.
I wished I had my camera with me
You know,
The one you just bought me to make you feel better?
I used your cell phone to take some pictures as I was driving
You know, the phone you used to text message your girlfriend?
Anyway you can’t really get the full effect,
But it was wonderful.
But then, it got dark- real dark
The cars coming the other way were blinding
And I was scared
And alone.
And I just wanted to be at home yelling at one of the kids.
I wanted to pull over and ask you to drive.
I wanted to wiggle my nose and be in a familiar place
I chained smoked
one after the other
but mostly I just held it
wheezing
and the ash became as long as the cigarette was
and my fingers burnt by the filter.
I felt like I had to pee- pretty much right after I left you
and I held it the rest of the way home
bladder screaming
eyes watering
I wanted to pull over a million times
But I was so afraid of getting lost
Of not finding my way back on the highway.
When I left you said
make sue you call when you get home-
I won't sleep if I don't know you are home safe.
And I thought
since when are you worried about me?
Were you worried when you were fucking her?
Or doing line after line spending all of the money?
Where you worried when I found out?
Funny, I don't think you were at all
I think you knew I would hold it together
and I would suck it all up and make you feel ok about things
like I always do
I think you thought I would let it all go and work on fixing you
like I always do
it's funny to hear you worry
I don't think you are capable.
And you not sleep?
Come on
You didn't have any trouble sleeping while I was collapsed on the bathroom floor puking and crying and screaming
you didn't have any trouble when I took the kids and left
you didn't have any trouble sleeping
when I couldn't keep food down for days and days
or when I slept only an hour or two a night because I was so floored
because I was so hurt
so devastated.
When I got home I called there
They said I could, that I should
(not because you were "worried")
I left a message
And you called back an hour or so later
You sounded angry
Or sad
I couldn’t tell.
You said
It is what it is
And again I wondered if you were just angry and sulking about being there
Or if you had already read the letter
I snuck into your bag
The one that told you I had not forgotten
All the things you had done to me
That I had not forgotten that you fucked her
And ran away from home
That I hadn’t forgiven you
And that I had only been civil for the sake of the children
And of Christmas
And that even when your 35 days are up
You have a whole other “program” to go through
If I choose to let you
I didn’t ask if you saw it
And you didn’t tell me you did
I also put together a photo album for you
Of the kids
And us
And your family
I was up last night until 4 in the morning
Did you know that?
Did you figure it out when you saw it?
Did you appreciate it?
You aren’t supposed to have any contact now for 7 days
And you have to use a calling card to call me
Or her
Isn’t that what you did with her?
So I couldn’t track the number down?
Yes, I believe it was
You asked me to buy you a bathing suit
I think maybe I will pretend to look
And even if I do find one
I will not buy it for you
I’ll tell you I searched everywhere
But I won’t.
I think though,
It will be hard for me not to jump every time the phone rings
Thinking it is you
It can’t be
But I will think that every time I bet
How the hell do you have such a hold on me?
I will never understand.
Even though I am worried about you
And shouldn’t be
I am more relaxed than I think I have been in 16 years
I know exactly where you are
I know you can’t be fucking anyone else
Or doing drugs
Or drinking
And this my friend
Is exactly how I should feel all the time
Every minute of the day
I should never have to worry about those kinds of things
I wonder if you realize that ….
Or if you even care...