I HAVE LIVED THIS LIFE BEFORE

It's funny, but any one who knows me at all knows I have written poetry for years and years (not the past couple but I have a feeling that will change). Anyway, I used to write and sometimes I didn't know where it would come from. I would just write- write about things that I had no personal knowledge of- like certain things I would write people would ask if that had happened to me- but it hadn't- I just wrote about it- anyway it's strange but most of my "stuff" is like that- stuff not about me per se- just stuff I wrote that others happened to relate to I guess. So I was sitting here- as I have been all day- just going through papers and wasting time, filling time- trying not to think too much, and I came across some folders with some of my stuff I wrote years ago and man, I tell ya what- it's kinda freaky cause the stuff I am reading is how I am feeling now- and I can't imagine why I would have wrote this stuff back then- what was so horrible then to make me write such things that I can now so easily relate to? I have certain poems that I wrote about all the baby stuff and what not- those are obvious- but I don't know- it just seems like back then I shouldn't have had reason to write any of this- and now it seems like stuff I should have written in the last month or so.. maybe I was just too mellow dramatic back then I don't know- anyway here's a few.. there pretty crappy- most of them and cheesy- but so true to my life right now- it's just all weird that's all...


Time does not heal all wounds,

the years don't help them fade

you always hope you'll one day loose

the memories that remain.

But the scars, they stay forever

to remind you of what was then

to torture you

to limit you

to relive it all again.

Some days it only hurts a little

some days it hurts a lot,

so many tears

so many years

nothing makes it stop.

And sometimes you fight to stay awake

afraid to close your eyes

no more dreaming

no more dreaming

no more midnight cries.

Living in the echoes

of who you used to be

trapped behind the shadows

wanting to be free.

You wait to be forgiven

what is it that you've done?
You look for someone else to blame

but you must be the one.

You'll hold the hurt inside of you

'til you break apart

slip away

fade away

die of a broken heart....

*******************************************************

Everything happens for a reason-

that's what they always tell me.

They say that

when they want to give me something to think about-

something to reflect upon.

It's supposed to enlighten me.

It's supposed to make me grow-

make me stronger.

Well-

I want someone to blame.

I want someone to confess to this travesty-

I want someone to stand up and tell me

they did this-

that they made this happen.

And then

I want

to hurt them back...

*********************************************************

Don't Let Go

Hold me.

Help me to forget.

I don't want to remember this day.

There is too much pain here.

keep talking to me.

Help my mind to clear.

Make me laugh.

I need to forget-

or I cannot take another

breath,

I cannot take another

step

alone

again.

just keep holding me.

Don't let go.

Please.

I am still remembering-

don't let go yet....

************************************************

What if I told you

that I have never been so scared in my entire life?

What if I told you

that sometimes I can't get out of bed

and sometimes

I have to tell myself to breathe?

What if I told you

that night after night

I lay in the dark-

unable to close my eyes.

And that I was afraid to sleep-

afraid to dream?

Could you save me then?
Could you make it all go away?

What if I told you

you couldn't touch me.

And that if you did

I would break into a million pieces?
And what if I told you

that sometimes

I cry so hard

that I cannot catch my breath?

What if I told you that sometimes

I feel I cannot take anymore

and that sometimes I do not want to go on?

Could you fix me then?
Or would you walk away?

****************************************************

*Side note: I know I said these reflect how I am feeling now- but I assure all of you out there- I am in no way thinking or have thought about killing myself- I would never ever do that- I couldn't leave my babies after all now could I? So ignore those parts- but everything else is still pretty accurate oddly enough....