YESTERDAY

Yesterday
I drove alone
150 miles to visit you.
When I arrived
you were waiting outside smoking.
I got out of the van and walked to you
and you hugged me very tightly.
You asked how the drive was
which I said was fine.
But really it wasn't.
3 1/2 hours is a long time to be alone with yourself
and your thoughts
when you're not used to having five minutes alone- ever.
You asked if I could give some of the guys a ride into town.
I didn't mind.
So there we were,
me and 7 drug addicts in my mini-van
driving into town
making small talk.
What do you say?
And secretly I was wondering what they thought of me.
Why should I care?
But I did.
And I thought about how much time I had taken to get ready that morning.
And how I stopped down the road and made sure I looked just right before I pulled in to meet you.
And I don't know why.
I am not like that.
I throw my hair up in a ponytail most days and that suits me just fine.
I don't wear make up or buy the newest trendy clothing.
But yesterday I made sure I looked good.
Put on my skinny jeans- the ones I haven't been able to put on for,
well, for years.
My hair cooperated
and I even had some eyeliner and mascara on.
And I don't know why.
I'm not sure if I wanted you to notice and to say something
or if I wanted your "friends" to look at me and wonder how you could have cheated on someone that looked like me.
I don't know why I made such an effort.
But I did.
So the whole ride I was wondering what they thought-
after all they have heard all the stories I am sure.
I'm sure they all know more about it than I do.
And that bothered me.
Maybe I don't want to know it all-
I'm not sure yet.
But I was angry because these complete strangers knew more about my life than I did.
We dropped them off at a barbershop and we drove on.
Where do you want to go you asked.
How the hell did I know?
This is a town of one thousand people, one store, one gas station, one barbershop and a used clothing store.
Where the hell were we supposed to go?
We drove around a little and you talked-
a lot.
About some of the guys that were in there
and what they had done-
their horror stories-
their rock bottoms.
And I asked you
what was your rock bottom?
Or had you even gotten there?
And you said
that your rock bottom was loosing me and the kids.
And that whether I believed it or not-
you would never have cheated on me if not for the drugs and alcohol-
it made you a different person
it wasn't you
you were insane.
And I thought about it
but I didn't respond.
I just looked at you-
tried to look right into your eyes
and beyond.
So many times I had looked at you
but you would look away
never being able to make eye contact
never being able to speak without stumbling over your words.
Trying of course to come up with the best lie
or remember the last one.
But this time
you looked at me back
eyes wide open-
no hesitation
you spoke with such confidence and such valor.
You spoke.
You said there were some things you couldn't deal with yet.
that you have had to put on the "back burner"
because you feel too badly about it.
Because you cannot face it yet.
But it is there waiting and it's not going to go away until you deal with it.
One of those things you said
is what you did to me.
You are still to ashamed,
still hold so much guilt that it is physically painful to talk about
and deal with .
but that you will.
that you have to.
And then you told me that your drug problem wasn't just a problem
for the last few months like you first told me.
Or, the last year like subsequently told me.
But for years- at least 8 or 9.
8 or 9 years?
The the glimmer of hope I had inside started to be overtaken by anger.
Not only had my world fallen apart before my very eyes
but now I come to find out
that the last 9 years of my life have been an absolute lie.
That I had been oblivious to it all
ignorant and stupid for 9 years
not just one.
Things started flashing in my mind.
occasions of fights and the nights you never came home and the money going missing and everything.
It started reeling through my mind
and I thought how many lies there were.
You said
"you don't even know Jen- you have no idea how bad it was"
And you're right- I don't even know
but how did I not know?
I don't understand.
How did you get away with it for so long?
I was slightly
ok more than slightly taken aback by this-
and confused
and hurt all over again.
But at the same time,
oddly amazed by your honestly
and you forthcomingness.
We started talking about some other things
and then I took you to get your hair cut.
There are rules there you tell me.
You have to shave everyday
hair must be short
beds made.
Lots of rules.
And you sounded almost proud that you had been doing it all.
After the haircut we went to get coffee
in the town restaurant where everyone knew each other
and sat and talked about their kids
and the local hockey team.
You talked a lot
and mostly I just listened.
I'm not used to having conversations with you
It was nice and refreshing to hear you excited about things.
But of course I was distracted by the thoughts running through my mind.
Trying to grasp what you had told me.
You started talking about the future
about when you get out.
You said you wanted to start having dinner as a family -
every night sitting at the table together and eating and talking about our days
and that every Sunday we would go to your parents house or they would come to ours and we would all eat together no matter what.
I found myself having flashes of Leave it to Beaver or something and I pictured myself in an apron and high heels cooking in the kitchen-
and then I snapped out of it and stopped you
I told you that the kids and I had been doing that already- for their whole lives
and that you were never there.
That for five years the kids and I sit down everynight for dinner and talk and laugh and sometimes, hours later you would stroll in and grab a plate and sit in front of the tv and eat-
if you came home at all.
I didn't want you to think you came up with some grand idea and oh how wonderful it would be-
I told you I didn't yet want to talk about things like that.
I wasn't ready to talk about a future that I didn't even know that I wanted to have with you.
One day at a time you said
and I agreed.
Some of your rehab buddies came into the shop and you all were talking back and forth and I just watched, listened.
It was odd to see you joking with them,
saying some of the things you were saying.
It's not you.
Not the you I know.
And it is is so strange to me.
I am trying to keep focused
and not to get sucked in.
to put all my trust and faith back into you
even though are you are slowing emerging.
You are slowly subtly becoming the person I always pretended you were.
And maybe things will get better.
But I can't be sure
I have no reason to believe it will
I just have to keep telling myself to hold back
observe and absorb.
Keep the wall up
I'm not ready to let you in yet.
but it seems like a good start.
but then, it always did-
after a fight,
after you would tell me things will be different or you will change.
I fell for it every time.
I told you
that it would take a lot for me to trust in you again
that is if I can
I'm not sure I am capable of it.
I'm not sure my heart will let me.
you said you knew
you said "whatever it takes"
and we left it at that.
We picked up all your buddies
and headed back to the house.
they jumped out of the van and we sat and talked for a bit.
Visiting hours are over at 4.
When we said good bye we hugged and kissed a few times and you whispered that you loved me.
And I said it back
because I do
did
will.
And you said you missed me
and I think that is the first time
you've ever said that
or at least the first time
you ever meant it.
I don't know
its all so confusing.
I don't know what to believe or what to feel.
I left and headed home.
With 3 1/2 hours to think about it all.
I stopped while it was still light out
I realized I hadn't yet eaten - at all
and then when I got back on the road, everything looked unfamiliar
and I ended up somewhere I shouldn't have
and got scared and panicked.
It was dark and I was so nervous
but all I kept thinking was that you were going to call at 7:30
and that I wouldn't make it home by then.
There I go again-
I got back on the right track soon enough but I had gone the long way
I am so ridiculous with directions.
It's hard to believe I have had my license for 18 years and still can't find my way around.
Finally made it home -
your parents left almost immediately and you called
to make sure I was home ok.
you said you would talk to me tomorrow.
And that you loved me.
I spent the rest of the evening going over our conversations in my mind.
Trying to make sense of everything.
Thinking back to all the times I thought you were being real with me
but now knowing you couldn't have been.
I was up until about 4
couldn't sleep
afraid I guess of dreaming.
It's a sad state of affairs
to be afraid of your dreams.
But that I am.
I guess all I can do right now is live
one day at a time.
Just like you said.
and try to figure things out
day by day.
minute by minute
second by second.
I'm not sure what else I can do.
I do know, I am sick of crying.
And questioning myself.
And blaming myself for stupidity.
Today I do feel like the biggest idiot that ever lived.
But maybe I won't tomorrow.